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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to have not stopped.

765 replies

Quiddichcup · 10/03/2018 06:26

Dd went to my mum's after school yesterday due to bad weather. Mum lives very close to the school and has said dd is welcome. Dd gets there at 3.30 and I finished work at 4pm so it wasn't for long.

I text dd as I came out to say I was on my way. And she replied to tell me my mum wanted me to go into the house.

I only saw mum 2 days ago and didn't have time. I had a 10 minute walk to my car ( in the rain) and called her to say I was sorry but I couldn't come in as I had a text from my food shopping I had ordered to say it was on its way. I hadn't actually ordered the food to come till 5pm but last week when I got home at 4.20pm it was sat outside my house.
Obviously I didn't want to miss it, so just asked her what the matter was. She wouldn't tell me and just said I needed to go in. I kept saying I couldn't but what was wrong.

She then got cross and told me to ' use my bloody common sense but I still didn't know and said to use it over what?

I then got screamed and shouted at as it was for mothers day. She had for dd some flowers to give me and wanted to watch dd give them to me. She called me selfish and hung up.

I was upset. I drove to mums house. Dd came out. Mum would usually come to the porch and save but she didn't.

Dd said mum slammed the door on her and told her to tell me not to call her.

A bit later I get a phone call and shes demanding I apolgise for pressuring her to tell me why I needed to go in. All my fault apparently. Ww3 has kicked off and mud slinging in my direction.

We were meant to be meeting the rest of the family Sunday for mothers day. Last year's mothers day was ruined over a huge family row with my sister. I don't want a repeat of that and with this going on with mum, cancelled my invite but said sorry.

Which has now made everything worse. I wouldn't pick up the phone to her so just got text after text of crap from her. And I can't have explained more times that i just needed to get home as I had had a text saying my shopping was on its way.

It's really upset me.

OP posts:
NotACleverName · 10/03/2018 08:59

Stop with the emotionally manipulative guff, Queenofwands. It’s irrelevant and just makes you look like an ass.

OP I do not think you were unreasonable at all. Your mother acted like a complete drama llama for no good reason. Leave her to stew.

Okadas · 10/03/2018 09:00

The reason doesn't matter. No one deserves that kind of reaction for not obeying an order. If a partner or husband spoke to her like that everyone would be saying he sounds awful.

Greene01 · 10/03/2018 09:01

YANBU. It sounds as if your mom hugely overreacted. Please do not beat yourself up. She sounds truly ungracious and willing to ruin an entire family get together for mothers day on a simple misunderstanding. It sounds like she wanted you to have a big emotional reaction to the flowers, but didn't take your busy life into account. For me the fact that there was a huge row last year that ruined it, and now her overreacting in a rediculous manner to your differences of expectations (her wanting you to come in, you not having time after explaining the reason), sounds like she is after another drama. I have several family members that thrive on drama, your mom sounds exactly like it. You are even questioning what to me sounds like normal behaviour. If she had a healthy approach, she would have told you it was a little suprise that couldn't wait. But my guess is, as you have stated before, she often gets involved in discussing others drama, so you would have expected this. I have a sister just like this who often wants a 'quick call when you have a spare moment', me tginking there is somethi g wrong, and it ending up being an hour conversation about someone else.

Fortunatelymine · 10/03/2018 09:03

Screaming and shouting and hanging up are perfectly fine ways to behave if someone doesn't do as I say, when I say,
Don't be ridiculous, no one has said this. But you seem incapable of seeing it from the other side.
And she's not exactly taking it out on a child, is she? DD said the door slammed behind her (you didn't say you heard it from the car, so it can't have been that hard) and DM shouted to tell you something. Hardly taking it out on DD.

And not my fault
But it was your refusal not to pop in which caused the meltdown, so although it was an extreme reaction ....

pastabest · 10/03/2018 09:04

What happened to the mumsnet mantra of 'no is a complete sentence'

Why does that suddenly not apply to dealing with emotionally manipulative people because: Mother's Day.

If this was a 'CF' Hmm thread about someone else making demands on the OPs time everyone would be piling in to tell the op not to give in.

Chugalug · 10/03/2018 09:05

She's yr mum.....you should of gone in when she asked...you caused this.you need to apologise

HolyMountain · 10/03/2018 09:05

The shopping isn’t the issue but a lot of posters are arguing the toss , for what reason I don’t know.

OP’s Mum is annoyed her daughter didn’t do what she wanted as soon as they first spoke to each other and became more agitated and angry as OP insisted she couldn’t stop at the house that’s the issue.

AtrociousCircumstance · 10/03/2018 09:06

Your mum sounds like a pain in the arse. What a lot of fuss over absolutely nothing.

Let the dust settle.

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 10/03/2018 09:07

But you are saying that is fine as that is what has happened.

I couldn't do what she wanted at that exact moment so that's what she did.

I wouldn't hear any door slam from inside the car with the radio on and music playing at a house 10 meters back from the road where there is a porch door in front of the door that slammed.

Dd told me my mum slammed the door behind her. Mum didn't shout at me from the house. I didn't even see her. She passed a message to dd to tell me not to contact her.

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 10/03/2018 09:09

Judging from the fact she had a terrible row with your sister last year it is clear she has form for aggressive over reaction.

You didn’t do anything wrong. It feels like she had stored up anger about other things.

youarenotkiddingme · 10/03/2018 09:09

I'm soooooo glad my mum is the type who when she helps ds big a gift for me she does it for him and me - not for her!
She'll send them home with him and isn't even there when I receive it! She knows I'll ring and thank her.

I don't get why your mums 'want' for you to go in trumps your 'need' to get home. And that now your 'disinvited' to Mother's Day because of your sister? Who's fault was the row? Are you the one uninvited because you started it?

I can't help thinking your mums plan was to I invite you all along - hence the massive fuss over it not being a 'thing' Friday evening.

StrangeLookingParasite · 10/03/2018 09:12

Is it ever your fault, op? Or is there always someone else to blame?

When was the last time you made a mistake and accepted responsibility?

What an absolutely outrageous load of bullshit.

And no, 'everyone' doesn't think she was being unreasonable - in fact most of us think she was perfectly fine and her mother is being, at the least, a total drama queen.
The gymnastics necessary to find a way that this is the OP's fault are quite...extreme. Some people, I wonder if you're like this to people's faces, and if so, do you actually have any friends?

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 10/03/2018 09:12

I cancelled going to the mothers day thing . It was obvious when we did try to talk that this wasn't going to blow over.
I was not going to put the other family in an awkward situation and I want going to ruin it for dd as last yesrs was horrific..

Mum is furious about that and said I never wanted to go to it anyway which is not at all true. But I know it would be awful and I don't want to put anyone in that situation.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 10/03/2018 09:13

What I don’t understand is how come your mother had the flowers for you in the first place. It’s not as though your dd had planned to go there yesterday. The flower giving is a nice gesture. But also a gesture, which could have waited until today as you were in a rush.

You actually sound like quite a devoted daughter, speaking to her every day, more than once, saw her 2 days ago etc. You say she never apologises. Is she used to getting her own way? She sounds quite nasty actually.

Under these circumstances, I would apologise (or say it was unfortunate) for not having had time this once to go in, iterate you make time for her whenever possible and say you’re really confused as to why you were shouted at and name called because you couldn’t do as she asked on that particular occasion. Don’t get drawn into a fight. When attacked, reiterate the above. I wouldn’t under and circumstances tell her when the food shopping arrived.

I would also be discussing this situation with your dd and apologising for her getting caught in the cross fire of an overbearing grandmother, who was unkind to her. I talk about my mother to my 9 yo dd when her behaviour is out of order - mother is a narcissist. I also have the confidence to talk to my dd about when I’m out of order too so it’s not a grandma is shit, I’m perfect type scenario. This approach allows my dd to make her own boundaries, which is something I wasn’t able to do as a child.

Cameron2012 · 10/03/2018 09:13

You are the one that asked opinions.. you seem to have made up your mind.

GlassHalfFullOfWee · 10/03/2018 09:16

If you’d have gone in and received the flowers I suspect your reaction would’ve been ‘wrong’ because you knew you were seeing everyone on Mother’s Day anyway, so I imagine you’d have just been a bit nonplussed.

Your mum sounds like a drama queen. She could’ve just sent your DS out with the flowers.

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 10/03/2018 09:17

Dd has been a star and actually told me to ignore her many many texts having a go at me. She knows what she is like.

I speak to her every day many many times. The first call is usually about 6.30 am. If you don't pick up she will keep phoning and phoning and eventually come round and then I get a guilt trip as no one else cares and something could have happened. My brother ignores her as he says it's best.

OP posts:
ArnoldBee · 10/03/2018 09:17

I think you are both to blame and need to relax.
You need to relax about working full time and getting your routines sorted along with being firm to your food delivery company if they are not fulfilling your delivery slot. You also need to relax generally so that serendipity can become part of your life hopefully in time this will come.
Your mum was trying to do something nice however her reaction to it going wrong was not at all appropriate and she needs to learn how to deal with these situations.

In my view you are both stressy people that need to relax and enjoy life more. You both can make the changes to enable this to happen if you want to.

BlondeB83 · 10/03/2018 09:21

Lots of selfish people on here today.

Beeziekn33ze · 10/03/2018 09:21

Ah, so last week the VAN was outside. Waiting. I was wondering which supermarket thought it was ok to leave the actual shopping on the doorstep. Glad that's sorted.
Could it be that the texts to say the shopping is on its way mean exactly that? Not that it's nearly arrived, but just a reassurance that it's in the van and that the van has left the depot. So the rush to be home before 5pm is not necessary.

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 10/03/2018 09:21

Arnoldbee 😂😂😂😂

OP posts:
Original poster
Quiddichcup · 10/03/2018 09:23

Beeze, thanks for that. Hindsite is a wonderful thing isn't it.

Next time I'll know. But also next time I'll tell dd never to go see my mum on a Friday so I'll go straight home!

OP posts:
NotACleverName · 10/03/2018 09:24

Just because your mum says “jump” doesn’t mean you have to reply with “how high?”

It was a total overreaction on the OP’s mum’s part. Screaming, shouting and slamming the door on her granddaughter. Who behaves like that over a tiny thing?

SugarPlumLairy · 10/03/2018 09:25

YANBU.

Some peeps here seem to lack reading comprehension and/or have never experienced a toxic parent and subscribe to the "but faaaaaaaamily" school of rug sweeping.

Your mothers behaviour was horrible. She could have come out with your daughter but wanted to show you who's bias again. When you ask a person to do something, "no" is a fully acceptable response and she had no business escalating past there.

I'd avoid seeing them for Mother's Day, it's YOUR day too. She told you she doesn't want to see you, take that as your cue. Stop accepting her calls so iften, start reducing the contact.

my mum and sister sound a lot like yours (right down to unhinged violent begaviour from sister), guess what.... I don't see either of them now and life is so much happier, peaceful, less stress etc. I don't regret that choice at all.

Good luck OP, and don't fall for the rugsweeping, YANBU , her behaviour us shockingly out of line.

pastabest · 10/03/2018 09:25

being firm to your food delivery company if they are not fulfilling your delivery slot

Yeah because TESCO are totally going to give a shit Grin

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