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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to have not stopped.

765 replies

Quiddichcup · 10/03/2018 06:26

Dd went to my mum's after school yesterday due to bad weather. Mum lives very close to the school and has said dd is welcome. Dd gets there at 3.30 and I finished work at 4pm so it wasn't for long.

I text dd as I came out to say I was on my way. And she replied to tell me my mum wanted me to go into the house.

I only saw mum 2 days ago and didn't have time. I had a 10 minute walk to my car ( in the rain) and called her to say I was sorry but I couldn't come in as I had a text from my food shopping I had ordered to say it was on its way. I hadn't actually ordered the food to come till 5pm but last week when I got home at 4.20pm it was sat outside my house.
Obviously I didn't want to miss it, so just asked her what the matter was. She wouldn't tell me and just said I needed to go in. I kept saying I couldn't but what was wrong.

She then got cross and told me to ' use my bloody common sense but I still didn't know and said to use it over what?

I then got screamed and shouted at as it was for mothers day. She had for dd some flowers to give me and wanted to watch dd give them to me. She called me selfish and hung up.

I was upset. I drove to mums house. Dd came out. Mum would usually come to the porch and save but she didn't.

Dd said mum slammed the door on her and told her to tell me not to call her.

A bit later I get a phone call and shes demanding I apolgise for pressuring her to tell me why I needed to go in. All my fault apparently. Ww3 has kicked off and mud slinging in my direction.

We were meant to be meeting the rest of the family Sunday for mothers day. Last year's mothers day was ruined over a huge family row with my sister. I don't want a repeat of that and with this going on with mum, cancelled my invite but said sorry.

Which has now made everything worse. I wouldn't pick up the phone to her so just got text after text of crap from her. And I can't have explained more times that i just needed to get home as I had had a text saying my shopping was on its way.

It's really upset me.

OP posts:

Lovesagin · 10/03/2018 09:25

Ok op, sounds like this is possibly The Event that happens in families sometimes, 2 people massively overreact, neither apologises, so it never gets resolved.

There will be times when you both wish you had each other again,but you'll both be too proud to make the first move.

Personally, I'd bite the bullet, apologise first, explain about being stressed about shopping etc and take it from there. But if this isn't your thing, then fine but be prepared for it to never be resolved.

Kiki275 · 10/03/2018 09:26

Looks like you’ve inherited the same “never wrong” attitude from your mum OP

I think this is a big presumption. My mother was never wrong and never apologised, my father backed her up as it made life easier, regardless of truth. Spending most of your life genuinely bewildered at what just happened doesn't automatically give you the same attitude.... quite the reverse in my case. Maybe OP is genuinely sick of this treatment and is standing up for herself. If it was a partner in the same situation, she'd be told to LTB.

It does seem like a small issue that has escalated into something big. Not all families are best tackled in the same way. My family was a big 'let it all blow over and pretend it never happened'. Whilst this wasn't a healthy attitude, it isn't always possible for some families to talk about it. I know that and am resolved to never have my DC treated the same. OP, you know your family best and will know exactly how to treat your DD best so she isn't subjected to a lifetime of similar situations.x

Gide · 10/03/2018 09:29

YANBU and I cannot understand the people on here saying you are. Your mum sounds batshit!

CheeseyToast · 10/03/2018 09:29

Bloody horrible of your mum to put your daughter through that. She sounds like a pita.

TheFifthKey · 10/03/2018 09:33

OP - AIBU? I was on my way home from work when Tesco texted me to tell me my delivery was on its way. Because I’d booked from 5-6 and it wasn’t 5 yet, I stopped off at my mum’s as she said she had something for me. It was some flowers for Mother’s Day from DD. When I got home the shopping had been and gone. I have no shopping, nothing for tea, no money to buy more and I’ll be at work when they want to redeliver. AIBU ago be fuming at tesco?

MN - YAB MASSIVELY U! The warning text is there for a reason - you should have told your mum you didn’t have time to chat - surely she would have understood...

Lalliella · 10/03/2018 09:34

You are both BU. It wouldn’t have killed you to pop in for a couple of minutes, but she completely over-reacted. But it’s such a trivial thing, is it really worth falling out over? And is it fair on the rest of the family if you don’t go tomorrow? Life really is too short to fall out over stuff like this. Can you not just bite the bullet and apologise to your mum and try and make peace?

DancingHipposOnAcid · 10/03/2018 09:35

Your DM is crazy. Granted she wanted to set up a nice surprise for you but no reasonable person would get furious at the fact you had something pressing to deal with and you aren't a mind reader! Treating your DD like that was really nasty as well. She owes you both an apology

Original poster

Quiddichcup · 10/03/2018 09:37

To be honest I really don't know the best way forward.

If I contact her I'll have to grovel and Sunday will still be awful because rest assured she won't let me forget this for a very long time. So I'll have to subject dd to that.

Or I do as she has said and stay away.

Either way Sunday is ruined. But then it was ruined the moment she started shouting at me and hung up.

OP posts:

LearnFromThePast · 10/03/2018 09:38

YANBU. The appropriate reaction to disappointment or frustration is not screaming and shouting and then slamming the door on a teenage girl. If this was someone’s husband reacting this way then I think the replies would be different.

I have a difficult relationship with my mother and I am often told, aw but she is your Mum. That does not give someone the right to behave however they choose without consequences.

You saw her a few days earlier, explained you were busy. She could have said it was a surprise or waited until Mother’s Day or popped out with your daughter. Instead she screamed abuse and then upset your daughter all over some flowers.

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/03/2018 09:38

The more you post about your mother, the worse she sounds. How on earth did you get into talking to her at 6.30am? Your brother is totally correct that the way to handle your mother is to ignore her. He’s may be an ally. You seriously seriously need to get your own life. It sounds as though you’re being subsumed into hers.

buddhasbelly · 10/03/2018 09:38

I've said your mum has overreacted but out of interest, dd popped in since it was raining but your mum already had the flowers? Are they vase ones or planting ones?

If the latter surely they could've waited, if the former why did she have them already since dd just popped in?

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/03/2018 09:39

No Sunday isn’t ruined. You go and have a great time with your dd. You’re a mum in your own right.

I said upthread about the sort of apology I would give. And it wouldn’t be a grovelling one.

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/03/2018 09:39

Yeah Buddha. I also asked that question. Seems odd to me too.

Original poster

Quiddichcup · 10/03/2018 09:42

Vase flowers.

Mum got them for me to give to dd to give to me. They were going to wait till Sunday but since dd was there she thought she would give then to me early.

Mothers day wasn't even on my radar last night, not in terms of gifts anyway.

The earky phone calls are a pain in the arse. She starts work even earlier than me so calls before she goes to work but gets cross if I can't talk as I'm trying to put make up on or am in the shower.

OP posts:

buddhasbelly · 10/03/2018 09:43

mummy makes me wonder if OPs mum is really annoyed

Because she didn't get to see a
Because she bought the flowers too early and it was a case of give them now or they'd be a bit sad looking by Sunday. So actually annoyed at herself (granny that is)

Garmadonsmum · 10/03/2018 09:43

It's a bit of a family joke that she is never wrong and will never say sorry
You do sound like a chip off the old block in your posts, sorry! Watch it isn't repeated with your dd.
You shouldn't worry more about pleasing a delivery driver by being early than your mum.
You often by the sound of it collect your dd without going in (you say mum waves from the porch so it's not a one off) which could seem rude.
Either way you need to back off from the whole situation before it harms your dd. If you mum is not awful though I feel sorry that she has neither of her daughters in touch on Mother's Day.

Olympiathequeen · 10/03/2018 09:44

Why didn’t you just speak to her on the phone instead of texting? It’s much easier to assess a situation and smooth things over verbally.

mimibunz · 10/03/2018 09:44

YANBU! If my mum behaved like that we would have a serious conversation. She had no right to call you cow , to slam the door on your DD. Her reaction is violent and OTT.

Cloudyapples · 10/03/2018 09:44

Op I totally agree that your mum has behaved unreasonably here. However, am I right in thinking the big bust up last year was between your mum and sister? And since then she hasn’t seen your sister? So maybe she is just feeling a bit fragile at this time of year and - while she may have gone about things in the wrong way - she was just trying to do something nice for you to crate some nice memories? Because she is upset at what she sees as having already lost one daughter?

buddhasbelly · 10/03/2018 09:45

A reaction.

Right OP then I reckon the above applies. Enjoy your mother's day whatever you get up to

And I'll leave these here ....

LimonViola · 10/03/2018 09:45

YANBU at all and your mum sounds unhinged. Refusing to actually tell you why she wanted you in the house and expecting her word to be gospel is a power play. If she'd said 'I have a surprise gift for you' then you could have made the decision to go in or not based on that.

Is it possible she's sick of looking after your daughter or feeling used though? Cos this is a massive overreaction on her part that may have been sparked from something. Otherwise no, just ignore her. Don't feed the drama. Let it blow over and don't engage. YADNBU.

Olympiathequeen · 10/03/2018 09:45

Sorry didn’t finish the OP. Your mum was being pretty unreasonable.

viques · 10/03/2018 09:46

Why do you arrange your food delivery for such a tight margin of time when you know from experience that you can easily get held up by work,traffic, a chat etc etc. They deliver til late so book a later slot , that way you are not fretting about missing it /it being left on the doorstep(really???) and can do the important things like pick up your child on time or be friendly to people doing you favours.

Try to be nicer to your mum. lots of us will spend a bit of Mothering Sunday having a quiet moment thinking of our mums because that's all we can do.

LimonViola · 10/03/2018 09:47

The earky phone calls are a pain in the arse. She starts work even earlier than me so calls before she goes to work but gets cross if I can't talk as I'm trying to put make up on or am in the shower.

Just confirms it's a power thing and it's all about her. The normal reaction to ringing someone who's busy is 'oh sorry I'll catch you later!' not getting annoyed at them.

And who just rings someone without checking if they're free anyway? Does she really just ring out of the blue then get annoyed you can't drop everything to chat? Sounds like you already see and speak to her plenty! Maybe some distance is in order.

Original poster

Quiddichcup · 10/03/2018 09:47

But I do worry about feeding my daughter. Her dinner was on the van.

Fucks sake.

I am nothing like my mother and my dd is nothing like that either. Dd already asks if we can not include her in things as she always ruins it. She can and does create a drama/ argument over anything. We do love her but sometimes it's difficult.

Mum always waves from the porch. Always. She tells me off because I say goodbye and then shut the door. This is all the time. I have only been full time for 3 weeks so this isn't anything like a regular occurrence as dd has only been there a few times.

OP posts:

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