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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to have not stopped.

765 replies

Quiddichcup · 10/03/2018 06:26

Dd went to my mum's after school yesterday due to bad weather. Mum lives very close to the school and has said dd is welcome. Dd gets there at 3.30 and I finished work at 4pm so it wasn't for long.

I text dd as I came out to say I was on my way. And she replied to tell me my mum wanted me to go into the house.

I only saw mum 2 days ago and didn't have time. I had a 10 minute walk to my car ( in the rain) and called her to say I was sorry but I couldn't come in as I had a text from my food shopping I had ordered to say it was on its way. I hadn't actually ordered the food to come till 5pm but last week when I got home at 4.20pm it was sat outside my house.
Obviously I didn't want to miss it, so just asked her what the matter was. She wouldn't tell me and just said I needed to go in. I kept saying I couldn't but what was wrong.

She then got cross and told me to ' use my bloody common sense but I still didn't know and said to use it over what?

I then got screamed and shouted at as it was for mothers day. She had for dd some flowers to give me and wanted to watch dd give them to me. She called me selfish and hung up.

I was upset. I drove to mums house. Dd came out. Mum would usually come to the porch and save but she didn't.

Dd said mum slammed the door on her and told her to tell me not to call her.

A bit later I get a phone call and shes demanding I apolgise for pressuring her to tell me why I needed to go in. All my fault apparently. Ww3 has kicked off and mud slinging in my direction.

We were meant to be meeting the rest of the family Sunday for mothers day. Last year's mothers day was ruined over a huge family row with my sister. I don't want a repeat of that and with this going on with mum, cancelled my invite but said sorry.

Which has now made everything worse. I wouldn't pick up the phone to her so just got text after text of crap from her. And I can't have explained more times that i just needed to get home as I had had a text saying my shopping was on its way.

It's really upset me.

OP posts:
BakedBeans47 · 10/03/2018 08:35

Honestly I think you were BU and your mother overreacted as well.

And were you waiting for food shopping OP? You should have mentioned it. Do you know that if you arrange a certain timeslot and they come early they will have to wait or come again at the right time?

CarolineForbes · 10/03/2018 08:36

Will people give up about the vans waiting? Most normal people wouldn’t want to leave someone sat there even if they were ‘wrong’ for being early on their round. Regardless, I’ve experienced a driver leaving after turning up early (I was still walking home) and they wouldn’t come back until the end of their round that night which was gone 10pm. My dinner had been on that van!

It seems most posters are imagining a selfless gran giving all this free childcare and buying flowers for an excited five year old to give mum and imagining joy and excitement on their faces. What the op has actually said is teenage granddaughter (who probably is of an age she buys her own presents for her mum anyway) popped in to see her gran due to the rain and op was swinging by the pick her up on the way home.
OP you are not wrong for saying no I don’t have time at this precise moment. Especially as you said your mum has form for not respecting others time by going on about trivial and unrelated matters which is fine during a long visit or chat but not when someone is telling you they are time pressured.

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 10/03/2018 08:37

I did tell her I had to get home for the food shopping. I've said that from the start that i said that.

Numerous ops have also said they don't always wait and don't always come back. I don't have enough money to risk it as our dinner was on that van.

OP posts:
BMW6 · 10/03/2018 08:38

Nah, yanbu at all. Your Mum is a right drama llama.

Cameron2012 · 10/03/2018 08:38

What if your Mum had had some really dreadful news she couldn’t share over the phone?.
When she said she couldn’t tell you over the phone you had absolutely no idea if it was something silly or serious.
Your Mum totally overreacted but you should of at least gone to the door

YellowMakesMeSmile · 10/03/2018 08:39

I think you were very rude too, happy to take the free childcare as a given right. If somebody had looked after my child going in for a few minutes would be the minimum I would do as it gives chance to say thank you.

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 10/03/2018 08:39

Carolineforbes, that's exactly what it is. That's the situation. Dd has got my presents which I have her money for and she just stopped in because if the rain.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 10/03/2018 08:40

I'm just wondering if some posters think I should have gone in after she was shouting at me and then hung up.

No, I think you should have gone in at the start. The shopping would have waited just like it did last week. That doesn’t excuse how your mother over reacted and behaved afterwards though.

TheFifthKey · 10/03/2018 08:41

It doesn’t matter if her mum wanted to tell her she was giving her a million pounds, she still had to get home as soon as possible! Some things have to wait sometimes and that’s ok - other people are not at your beck and call 24/7 and normal people - all the people I know in the real world - get that and wait for a better time if someone’s busy. It happens literally every day.

FrozenMargarita17 · 10/03/2018 08:42

YANBU op. That's all I'll say about that!!

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 10/03/2018 08:42

Even though many people have said food shopping doesn't always wait.

I had no food for dd and I. And no spare money. So you are sayinh it would be ok to leave dd hungry with msybe no food till 10pm or even the next day, to appease my mother?

OP posts:
MissBartlettsconscience · 10/03/2018 08:42

It wasn't free childcare. The ops teenage daughter stopped off to say hello to her grandmother.

When does it stop being childcare and start being 'keeping an eye on grandma' because it certainly seems to me that it could be read that way.

Okadas · 10/03/2018 08:44

I think if she had bad news for the OP she wouldn't have got the granddaughter to text!

Honestly, my mother was like that. She'll be sitting waiting for you to come grovelling.

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 10/03/2018 08:45

Dd doesn't need childcare. She is over the age where anyone provides childcare.

She's ok to be left all day though I wouldn't like to do it often just because I think it's not nice. Not because she's not capable.

It was raining and dd decided to go there rather than walk home.

OP posts:
IfYouDontImagineNothingHappens · 10/03/2018 08:49

Your mother is acting in an abusive manner. She'll continue like that unless you tell her otherwise.

Really people- if a friend acted like this or a husband would it be ok? Slamming doors and screaming- she'd be told to leave the bastard.

Gazelda · 10/03/2018 08:50

I think you should have gone in when your dd asked you to.
But your DM has totally over reacted.
The shopping delivery van would have waited.
Maybe book it for 6-7 next time?
How is your dd now? Could you try to demonstrate to her the adult way to resolve situations - ie agree with dd to disagree, thank her for looking after dd, thank her for the flowers, give her a card (and gift?) on Mother's Day. Your DM may not be as gracious in making peace as you, but your dd will see that you tried. She will see you demonstrate adult behaviour and learn that the best way to deal with conflict is calmly rather than sulking or escalation.
Drop a card round to your mums on Sunday then spend a happy day with your DD. It sounds as though you could really do with a relaxing day, just the two of you. Thanks

SimplySwimming · 10/03/2018 08:51

I have been lying in bed with my other half who is devastated by her mothers cancer...Spend an hour with your mum and the rest with your daughter. Life really is too short

I hate this kind of emotionally manipulative bullshit. You can't let someone treat you like shit just because they might drop dead Hmm

Yanbu op...your mum behaved badly. Yes she got you flowers, lovely...but she could have avoided the argument in so many ways. She's a grown up and it was her CHOICE to react like she did and shout/slam doors.

Fortunatelymine · 10/03/2018 08:53

Why posters are focusing on the shopping delivery is beyond me.
Because the vast majority of posters have said that the driver is obliged to deliver in the time slot booked, and this is useful to know. But op hasn't acknowledged it, apart from just now, when 'numerous' ppl (but a small minority ) have said the driver won't wait.
It takes two to get to this stage. I think op would be modeling valuable conflict resolution behaviour to DD if she approached DM in a mature manner and resolved the problem instead of perpetuating it. After all, even if DM was unreasonable in her response, it was caused by op repeatedly refusing to pop in to see DM (from dm's point if view) who had flowers for her. So she probably felt slighted, if nothing else. No excuse for a big scene, but someone has to be the bigger person and accept there was a misunderstanding. What's the alternative? Going NC? As a single parent that might not be the best move for DD ( the df side of the family hasn't been mentioned).

OliviaStabler · 10/03/2018 08:53

Delivery drivers won't always wait, even if they're early. They have set time for each delivery (as in 5-7 minutes), if they've got a full load with deliveries quite spread out they won't hang about because then they might be later further down the line and they get penalised for being so. Yes they would have to redeliver but could end up being the following day.

I've shopped online regularly for years but have never had this happen. The drivers have been early at times but never tried to drive away before the booked slot.

RJnomore1 · 10/03/2018 08:55

I'm going to ask again because I think you missed it - is there a reason your mum couldn't pop out to the car with dd when she knew you were in a rush to save you the stress?

pastabest · 10/03/2018 08:55

ITS FUCK ALL TO DO WITH THE SHOPPING

OP could have been off for a vjazzling appointment for all it matters, the point is she had somewhere to be, it was pissing it down and she didn't have time to hang around unplanned at her mums, someone it sounds like she sees on a very regular basis anyway.

Her mum wasn't providing childcare, she wasn't doing anyone a favour and is now throwing a tantrum because OP hasn't gone along with her plans which presumably had been made on the hoof anyway as her granddaughter had basically popped in on her way back from school.

I watched my grandma pull this kind of crap on my mum for years.

Fortunatelymine · 10/03/2018 08:56

ITS FUCK ALL TO DO WITH THE SHOPPING
Nope, as this was the reason given for not going in.

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 10/03/2018 08:58

So. Just to get this right. Screaming and shouting and hanging up are perfectly fine ways to behave if someone doesn't do as I say, when I say, despite me not telling them any reason why they must do as I say?

And then takinh it out on a child is also fine. And not my fault and it's up to others then to manage the conflict I caused by not getting my own way?

OP posts:
Littlebelina · 10/03/2018 08:59

I'm in the YANBU camp op. Not seen any sign of dripping feeding either. Your first post was quite clear.

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 10/03/2018 08:59

No there is no reason mum couldn't have popped out to the car.

OP posts: