Aibu to have not stopped.

[Quiddichcup]

Dd went to my mum's after school yesterday due to bad weather. Mum lives very close to the school and has said dd is welcome. Dd gets there at 3.30 and I finished work at 4pm so it wasn't for long.

I text dd as I came out to say I was on my way. And she replied to tell me my mum wanted me to go into the house.

I only saw mum 2 days ago and didn't have time. I had a 10 minute walk to my car ( in the rain) and called her to say I was sorry but I couldn't come in as I had a text from my food shopping I had ordered to say it was on its way. I hadn't actually ordered the food to come till 5pm but last week when I got home at 4.20pm it was sat outside my house.
Obviously I didn't want to miss it, so just asked her what the matter was. She wouldn't tell me and just said I needed to go in. I kept saying I couldn't but what was wrong.

She then got cross and told me to ' use my bloody common sense but I still didn't know and said to use it over what?

I then got screamed and shouted at as it was for mothers day. She had for dd some flowers to give me and wanted to watch dd give them to me. She called me selfish and hung up.

I was upset. I drove to mums house. Dd came out. Mum would usually come to the porch and save but she didn't.

Dd said mum slammed the door on her and told her to tell me not to call her.

A bit later I get a phone call and shes demanding I apolgise for pressuring her to tell me why I needed to go in. All my fault apparently. Ww3 has kicked off and mud slinging in my direction.

We were meant to be meeting the rest of the family Sunday for mothers day. Last year's mothers day was ruined over a huge family row with my sister. I don't want a repeat of that and with this going on with mum, cancelled my invite but said sorry.

Which has now made everything worse. I wouldn't pick up the phone to her so just got text after text of crap from her. And I can't have explained more times that i just needed to get home as I had had a text saying my shopping was on its way.

It's really upset me.

OP i think id give up on this tgread arguing with people who dont get that your mum wasnt doing you a favour. She sounds absolutely awful.

You have learnt from this thread that apparently you don't need to worry about the shopping van coming early. Like you I would be mortified leaving people waiting. Like you I would worry that they might not do my delivery and find a reason to go especially on a Friday night. I can only imagine what a pain in the arse it is to haggle with Sainsbury's or something over where the hell is my shopping?

Yes you could have gone in it really wouldn't have taken much time but you know your mum and how she would have taken more than a few minutes of your time and not let you go from what you're saying. also it sounds like she has form for talking about completely unimportant things.

I think you're right to stay away on Sunday just do something with DD. Don't be stubborn about demanding an apology from her but just be calm and say that you're not going to put up with being shouted at or put up with demands and screaming.

I think I take the high road and just ignore her hopefully it will get swept under the carpet eventually.

I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong OP.

Your Mum’s pissed off that you didn’t do what she wanted and you stood your ground, good for you!

Why posters are focusing on the shopping delivery is beyond me.

As for Sunday , will your absence make the drama harder to repair?

Before I had even got to the car mum was shouting down the phone at me and then had hung up on me.

So I couldn't have gone in then either..she then slammed the door on dd and told her to tell me not to call her.

She called me a bit later and just shouted at me so I cancelled Sunday as I know this won't blow over by then and it's not fair on the other family or dd.

Looks like you’ve inherited the same “never wrong” attitude from your mum OP, I’m sure your DD will be saying the same thing about you in the future

No she hasn't - she was perfectly reasonable to get home on time to ensure her and her daughter had food for the next few days. Sheesh. There are some nasty bullies on here.

Totally agree nottheduchess.

ENOUGH WITH THE SHOPPING!

Op didn't go in - for what many of us think were perfectly valid reasons. Even those of you who think her reasons were not good enough must surely accept that her 'offence' doesn't warrant the abuse her mother has heaped on her. And that it's not now a simple case of apologising and moving on (for reasons the op has explained).

What time did the delivery come yesterday OP?

Personally I’d stay away Sunday but I’m a hard faced type who finds the whole Mother’s Day thing best ignored.

Pressed send too soon.

Does your mum have form of flying off the handle like this?

Ah yes, the offended silence, my mother was queen at that tactic too.

My mother would have reacted like this too, it was partly a character trait and partly a shrinking world where the surprise gifting of the flowers would have been a Big Thing in her week. She also wasn’t good at communication and never managed to get to grips with the fact that I couldn’t read her mind/feelings. It was like playing a mind game where the requirements of you constantly shifted but no one told you what they were.

I would also have pulled out of mother’s day to try and minimise any impact on the third party, as my mother would have been snippy with looks and remarks even if I’d apologised a hundred times in advance of it.

Not much advice but I know where you’re coming from - you can’t win.

If you have booked your food shop to come between 5&6 and if they turn up early and your not there they have to try again in the allocated time they were given.

It didn't come till 5.30 in the end.
So it did come within the time slot time.
But my text at 4.07pm said it was on its way. Hence me racing to get there.

Delivery drivers won't always wait, even if they're early. They have set time for each delivery (as in 5-7 minutes), if they've got a full load with deliveries quite spread out they won't hang about because then they might be later further down the line and they get penalised for being so. Yes they would have to redeliver but could end up being the following day.

I think the OP has had an unreasonably hard time off people. Looking at some replies I've felt like I'm reading something completely different. If the flowers had been about the OP and her daughter and not the mother wanting to hold court then she would have just sent them out or came to the car with the OPs daughter. That's how anyone who wasn't selfish or manipulative would have played it. They would have understood OPs rush to get home and not wanted to create any further issues. A nice gesture is only that if given without strings.

If my mum asked me to come in for 5 minutes I'd be struggling to get out of there half an hour later

Fortunately my mum put some things in a bag for dd to give to me after dd had been at theirs for dinner and her grandpa dropped her off. I did the same for stuff for granny. Neither of us really needed to see a reaction, was more for dd....

My mum is well known by everyone for this sort of thing, flying off the handle and being very controlling.

We all love her but she's very difficult at times.

I didn't forsee that she was going to kick off as I would have tried to defuse it but it escalated very quickly. The whole conversation on the phone to her was maybe only 3 mins and went from me asking how her day was to being shouted at and hung up on.

I’d love to know who gets a text saying the shopping is on its way, when they’re not even home, and doesn’t feel a slight sense of panic! Let alone steps into someone’s house for what could be a long chat. If I asked someone to come in - for any reason - and they said no, shopping’s on its way, I’d change my plans, not expect them to change theirs. And IRL, not MN, I think it would be exactly the same.

Wow. There’s a lot of projecting going on here. Not all mums are saints you know.

Yes ops mum did her a favour by looking after her daughter, but that doesn’t mean op has to do whatever her mum asks, she was busy and had to get home. And had explained that to her mum.

So many times on mumsnet you read about people getting trapped in situations that they feel unable to say no to and they’re told to put their big girl pants on and say no. The op has done this and her mother has completely over reacted. And people are now saying that she’s nasty and selfish! Really?

Saying that history repeating itself is really low. Hopefully ops dd will have learnt that it’s not ok for your mother to scream and shout at you. That it’s ok to say no to people who are demanding that you do something that you are not able to do at that time. That it is ok to not apologise when you’ve done nothing wrong.

I hope, op, that you are able to speak to your mum at some point this weekend and that she will listen to you and can resolve and get together.

No matter the why's and where fors about the shopping, yanbu. Your mum seems to have "lost it" and had a complete overeaction. She needs to take a chill pill quite frankly!
It sounds so much like situation i had with my ils before we stopped all contact (narcs).

God there are some asses on here. Your mum was/is totally unreasonable about this. Why such a biggie to see ‘your’ daughter give you flowers that your mother had bought? I thought it was Mother’s Day not Daughter/mother’s day?

And typical mumsnetter response: ‘but she might die before you see her again’. What the actual fuck?

Oh, and you should apologise? Why? I’m so sorry Mum for wanting to get home to feed my family, after a long day at work and not wanting to stand around while you blather on. I’m so sorry that Idon’t want to get screamed at?

Dear god, ‘some’ of you really are vipers.

OP, don’t worry. Your mum sounds like a manic, unhinged harpy. Keep your dad away from her toxicity.

OP you are NBU. Your mum sounds controlling and horrible.

I have been lying in bed with my other half who is devastated by her mothers cancer. I had a call late last night from a very close pregnant friend to say she has been phoned by the hospital to come in immediately as something is wrong. Spend an hour with your mum and the rest with your daughter. Life really is too short.

You were at fault, she was doing something nice for you and helping you out by looking after Dd. She over reacted but I can see why she was upset. The shopping thing is just an excuse. It's common sense if it is there early it's not going to leave before your time slot.

I'm just wondering if some posters think I should have gone in after she was shouting at me and then hung up.
Because to me, when she did that, that removed the option and going into her house would be like pouring petrol on a fire.

Like I say it escalated quickly. I asked how her day was said I couldn't go round as the food shopping was on its way and I still had a long walk to even get to the car. She said no come in. I said I couldn't and what was the matter. She said she wasn't going to tell me to just go in and to use my bloody comment sense. I said I didn't know what she meant be that and then she started shouting , told me she had got dd flowers to give me and I was selfish and hung up on me.
Then dd tells me about the door slamming and I was told not to call her.

YANBU in my opinion. You were the one in a rush, you explained this in advance. I don't see why she couldn't have come out to the car with your DD and flowers. Instead she chose to tantrum and expose her poor grandchild to her rage. Who slams a door on a child like that anyway?

Mum has told me to stay away so I don't think she wants to spend any time with me.