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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to have not stopped.

765 replies

Quiddichcup · 10/03/2018 06:26

Dd went to my mum's after school yesterday due to bad weather. Mum lives very close to the school and has said dd is welcome. Dd gets there at 3.30 and I finished work at 4pm so it wasn't for long.

I text dd as I came out to say I was on my way. And she replied to tell me my mum wanted me to go into the house.

I only saw mum 2 days ago and didn't have time. I had a 10 minute walk to my car ( in the rain) and called her to say I was sorry but I couldn't come in as I had a text from my food shopping I had ordered to say it was on its way. I hadn't actually ordered the food to come till 5pm but last week when I got home at 4.20pm it was sat outside my house.
Obviously I didn't want to miss it, so just asked her what the matter was. She wouldn't tell me and just said I needed to go in. I kept saying I couldn't but what was wrong.

She then got cross and told me to ' use my bloody common sense but I still didn't know and said to use it over what?

I then got screamed and shouted at as it was for mothers day. She had for dd some flowers to give me and wanted to watch dd give them to me. She called me selfish and hung up.

I was upset. I drove to mums house. Dd came out. Mum would usually come to the porch and save but she didn't.

Dd said mum slammed the door on her and told her to tell me not to call her.

A bit later I get a phone call and shes demanding I apolgise for pressuring her to tell me why I needed to go in. All my fault apparently. Ww3 has kicked off and mud slinging in my direction.

We were meant to be meeting the rest of the family Sunday for mothers day. Last year's mothers day was ruined over a huge family row with my sister. I don't want a repeat of that and with this going on with mum, cancelled my invite but said sorry.

Which has now made everything worse. I wouldn't pick up the phone to her so just got text after text of crap from her. And I can't have explained more times that i just needed to get home as I had had a text saying my shopping was on its way.

It's really upset me.

OP posts:
Dobby1sAFreeElf · 11/03/2018 07:34

Who else is going? Is there anyone other than your DB and DM? If so, and its someone decent, I'd be inclined to call them and say that you're stuck in a bind as you can't afford to pay for today and ask if they would be able to sub you. You may just find out that not everyone has been asked to pay.

AlonsosLeftPinky · 11/03/2018 07:34

Wow. Seriously don't pay. I can't believe people actually charge their families to eat at their house!!!

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 11/03/2018 07:35

Thing is I had been asking him since mid Feb what he wanted to do for mothers day, we agreed something and then the next day he said he has changed his mind and we are all invited round his.

He has never hosted before so this is new and makes a change from me doing all the work.

I offered to take a dish or two, as you do, but was told no it wasn't needed. And now get a text to say how much it is.

Honestly so gob smacked.

Just off the top of my head last year I must have had him and his family round here 7ish times. Never asked for more than soft drinks and a packet of sausages ( if it was a bbq) or a desert.

Never comes close to coveting the cost but that's fine and that's not why I invite them.

Just fucking unbelievable.

OP posts:
Dozer · 11/03/2018 07:37

Sorry your family are so difficult.

He hasn’t “charged” you, he has asked for £15: cheeky fuckery! just say no.

Get over to the Stately Homes threads for advice.

As for the food delivery, if they offer delivery windows they should not be delivering early without your agreement or dumping food on your doorstep! If you get texts saying it’s on its way early reply saying you would like it delivered in the window you booked!

Dozer · 11/03/2018 07:38

Don’t “suck it up”: don’t pay.

blueskypink · 11/03/2018 07:43

ust off the top of my head last year I must have had him and his family round here 7ish times. Never asked for more than soft drinks and a packet of sausages ( if it was a bbq) or a desert.

Never comes close to coveting the cost but that's fine and that's not why I invite them.

Say that to him! Text him back and say you're in a bind because it never occurred to you that you'd have to pay because [insert above] and you can't afford to. Then ask if he still wants you to come.

TERFragetteCity · 11/03/2018 07:46

You most definitely need to say no to the charge.

HolyMountain · 11/03/2018 07:47

It’s not money you can afford to give him so don’t take any cash, tell him you can’t afford it and leave it at that.

daducky88 · 11/03/2018 07:47

If you can't do that, bring a bunch of daffs to mum thus a.m. early and either a) apologise that you won't can't make lunch at bros as you,re stomach is off colour. And you know, he can make some lovely dinner from the leftovers tomorrow. Or b) you,re not going as you can't afford to pay £30.

I say the latter. But I put in option a in case. And tell your bro you're not going. If he complains about having already bought the food, in the style of Granny from Beverly Hill Billies, tell him, "Nyep, fresh foods almost as good as leftovers"

m.youtube.com/watch?v=uFjav300GbQ

The actress who played Granny, looked exactly the same as my mother's mother. So in secret, we used mutter phrases like, Nyep, fresh food n,all, almost as as leftovers, like Granny Clampett.

Good luck.
Aldi £3 for or bunch of daffs or nick from the park like we did when we were kids, he he

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 11/03/2018 07:48

I can't. Not off the back of what happened with mum.

So I'll have to go and find the money from next week's food budget , jacket potatoes for the week for us!

And then that's it for me. No more.

OP posts:
blueskypink · 11/03/2018 07:51

Without refusing outright to pay, could you at least register your surprise and say something like, "oh, I didn't realise we'd have to pay as I've never charged people when I've hosted. Bread and water for me and dd then for the rest of the week!"

LimonViola · 11/03/2018 07:52

I'll have to suck it up.
It's going to really leave me in the shit though.
I can't see that I can back out now , not after all this stuff with mum but that really is it.

So I'll have to go and find the money from next week's food budget

OP why on earth do you continue to give your family so much power over you? They say jump and you ask how high. This weird dynamic will continue forevermore until you learn how to unmesh yourself. It all sounds like very hard work and not really worth it.

Your daughter is looking to you as an example of a strong adult and every time you roll over to your family's weird demands or fits you're teaching her it's okay to be treated like crap.

I mean taking money from the money you use to feed her to give to your brother when you don't actually believe he is right to request it? Take a step back here. What's important??

Dobby1sAFreeElf · 11/03/2018 07:54

I cannot believe you'd put yourself and your DD through a week of excess hardship just to appease family who are complete arsewipes quite frankly.

Your sister other than the violence clearly had the right idea.

Ask your DD what she wants. Does she want to go through a week of not affording things just to appease some bullies?

LimonViola · 11/03/2018 07:55

"Today 07:51 blueskypink

Without refusing outright to pay, could you at least register your surprise and say something like, "oh, I didn't realise we'd have to pay as I've never charged people when I've hosted. Bread and water for me and dd then for the rest of the week!"

No reason for OP not to refuse to pay. She needs to learn fast how to stand up for herself and her daughter, not live her life fretfully readjusting to every noise her family make.

If you don't respect yourself enough OP to not pay this batshit charge at least respect your child enough not to take food from her mouth to appease the family.

You need therapy asap and that is meant kindly from someone who has had it. You can't go on like this without creating a world of hurt for you and your poor daughter.

LimonViola · 11/03/2018 07:56

Ask your DD what she wants. Does she want to go through a week of not affording things just to appease some bullies?

I'm sure you didn't mean this literally but no, don't drag your small child into this family psychodrama. Of course she wants to eat. It's your job as her mum to prioritise that above all else. But it's all so twisted in your mind you somehow think it's preferable to appease your family over feeding your child. There are no words!

LIZS · 11/03/2018 07:58

Ignore the request for money. Just say you'll bring a bottle or plate/cake/pudding from whatever you have in.

Dobby1sAFreeElf · 11/03/2018 07:59

Yes lemon, I did. Her DD is old enough to see her GM for what she is and has been actively asking OP to stop including her in things as she's, in her words, a bully. So yes, ask DD if that's what she wants. I suspect DD would probably rather avoid the family anyway.

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 11/03/2018 08:01

If I don't go now and refuse to pay the fall out with be horrific.

You have seen what has happened over me not being able to pop in to mums.

I'll go. Pay. And then quietly drift away.

People always turn up late when I do things. I end up stressed as the food is getting ruined. Dd actually said to me last time, that she thought I wasn't having people over any more bevause they always do this.
And they do.

Again, I wouldn't dream of doing that.

I'll go and be on time because I'm the better person. And then never again.

OP posts:
HolyMountain · 11/03/2018 08:02

I mean this in the nicest possible way; stop being so passive!

You don’t need to pay up to keep the family peace, you simply can’t afford it and going along with it for a quiet life isn’t fair on you or your dd.

Lizzie48 · 11/03/2018 08:02

You really don't have to pay, @Quiddichcup you honestly don't. You really shouldn't put yourself and your DD through hardship to appease these people. So what if it's Mother's Day? You really have been conditioned well. Sad

I second the advice to go on the Stately Homes thread, you get tonnes of good advice and support on there. Thanks

Dozer · 11/03/2018 08:03

You don’t “have” to.

Don’t prioritise unreasonable demands from your “family of origin” over your and DD’s food budget!

If this is “it” for you your family will be pissed off with you soon enough anyway!

The Stately Homes posters can help.

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/03/2018 08:03

You are deciding that you have to suck it up. We are here telling you that this really isn’t the case. You must prioritise your dd and eating over a bully. If your brother refuses to host you without contributing, you will have to apologise to your mother. If you do pay, what the message do you think you will be teaching your dd?

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 11/03/2018 08:03

Course dd doesn't want to go. We had decided we were going to get sour dough and boursin and go sea glass hunting on the beach.
That's what I would rather be doing too.

OP posts:
blueskypink · 11/03/2018 08:04

Limo Viola - I agree that the op shouldn't pay. But she had already said she would have to suck it up and my wording was suggested as a compromise. So she could at least make her brother aware of the unfairness but in a non-confrontational way so that she doesn't rock the boat today. Who knows, that might be enough to shame her brother into forgetting about the charge. At the very least it puts a marker down that he's being unfair.

People piling and telling her what she has to do is not really helpful.

HolyMountain · 11/03/2018 08:04

The fall out will be horrific?

Well if it is it’s an opportunity for you to draw that line in the sand and tell them all to fuck off, you’ve had enough.

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