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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to have not stopped.

765 replies

Quiddichcup · 10/03/2018 06:26

Dd went to my mum's after school yesterday due to bad weather. Mum lives very close to the school and has said dd is welcome. Dd gets there at 3.30 and I finished work at 4pm so it wasn't for long.

I text dd as I came out to say I was on my way. And she replied to tell me my mum wanted me to go into the house.

I only saw mum 2 days ago and didn't have time. I had a 10 minute walk to my car ( in the rain) and called her to say I was sorry but I couldn't come in as I had a text from my food shopping I had ordered to say it was on its way. I hadn't actually ordered the food to come till 5pm but last week when I got home at 4.20pm it was sat outside my house.
Obviously I didn't want to miss it, so just asked her what the matter was. She wouldn't tell me and just said I needed to go in. I kept saying I couldn't but what was wrong.

She then got cross and told me to ' use my bloody common sense but I still didn't know and said to use it over what?

I then got screamed and shouted at as it was for mothers day. She had for dd some flowers to give me and wanted to watch dd give them to me. She called me selfish and hung up.

I was upset. I drove to mums house. Dd came out. Mum would usually come to the porch and save but she didn't.

Dd said mum slammed the door on her and told her to tell me not to call her.

A bit later I get a phone call and shes demanding I apolgise for pressuring her to tell me why I needed to go in. All my fault apparently. Ww3 has kicked off and mud slinging in my direction.

We were meant to be meeting the rest of the family Sunday for mothers day. Last year's mothers day was ruined over a huge family row with my sister. I don't want a repeat of that and with this going on with mum, cancelled my invite but said sorry.

Which has now made everything worse. I wouldn't pick up the phone to her so just got text after text of crap from her. And I can't have explained more times that i just needed to get home as I had had a text saying my shopping was on its way.

It's really upset me.

OP posts:
juliettaa · 10/03/2018 22:08

OP, your brother sounds as conditioned as you are to accept your mother's toxic, attention seeking, demanding behaviour, so his advice is going to be flawed.

It is not your place to 'sort things out' nor is it down to you to apologise.

I have been where you are now, it's not a good place. You have my sympathy being faced with decisions about your relationship with your mother which could be totally life changing for you and for your DD.

This thread was bad enough when I posted this morning; but the level of malice towards you has continued to be horrendous. I recommend that any future threads you may create about your mother are posted on the Relationships Forum and not on AIBU. You should have a read of the Stately Homes thread in Relationships too.

UnRavellingFast · 10/03/2018 23:33

Someone's mention of flying monkeys made me look that up and it led on to Identified Patient which made me realise that was me in my family who I love but who I have realised like to try and keep me in my box of the problem one. When I achieve stuff they are proud but also obstructive. It has made me realise I am actually doing better than them mentally speaking which is reassuring. I wonder if it would help you to look that up too and realise you are the sane one among your relatives! Good luck and take care.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 11/03/2018 02:29

Quiddich - I'm both astonished and cautiously pleased for you that the text worked out ok!
As you say, that's probably the closest to an apology you'll get.

I agree that your brother is conditioned to appease your mother, and isn't above throwing you under the bus to stay in her "good" books. What that says is you can't trust him. However, if you set your boundaries knowing that, then you will be safer in your family dynamic.

I also think that whomever said your mother is envious of you is quite likely correct - she doesn't want you to achieve more than she has, because it might show up her own shortcomings/feelings of missing out. Or she might suffer from Tall Poppy Syndrome (similar thing anyway) where she doesn't want to see anyone, especially you, getting "above themselves" and others, so she chops you off at the knees to "keep you down to size". This is a very toxic process and is completely aimed to keep you "in your place" - i.e. beneath her. Belittling any achievement you make, and trying to prevent you from bettering your situation, is classic in this scenario.

Anyway - good luck with seeing her tomorrow, and remember that you and your DD can walk out any time she kicks off, if she does. ThanksWine

MrsDilber · 11/03/2018 03:36

If your food delivery comes earlier than the slot you've booked, they still have to wait till the time they've stated.

If it's booked between 5-6 and comes at 4:20, they have to wait till 5. Cheeky bugger wants to clock off early for the weekend.

Your mum child minds, you really should have gone in and seen what was going on, took the surprise, kisses and thank yous all round, sorry mum, I've got to dash....

Not seeing her on mother's day isn't the way to build bridges, it's a day of appreciation for what she does, so please go and see her. Don't let DD think this is acceptable, or you'll be getting the same in 20 years.

It sounds like misunderstanding all round, you're not the devil incarnate, you're human, like all of us, and we all fuck up from time to time.

Earthmover · 11/03/2018 04:42

Hope you've made alternate arrangements for your daughter. I mean, surely you don't expect her to carry on watching her while you punish her with your absence.

On second thoughts, i'd put money on you still expecting her to accommodate you in the childcare department.

Selective huffyness. Nowt worse

StrangeLookingParasite · 11/03/2018 04:44

Selective huffyness. Nowt worse

Oh yes. There is. Arrogant idiots who don't bother to read the thread.

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 11/03/2018 04:48

Have the last two posters read the thread?
😕

Thanks thumb, I need a Google and need to spend some time thinking about how I can better deal with things going forward.

OP posts:
Original poster
Quiddichcup · 11/03/2018 04:49

Haha thanks strange! What are you doing up at this daft time?

OP posts:
StrangeLookingParasite · 11/03/2018 05:00

I'm having one of my very occasional bouts of insomnia, for no reason that I can see.

Oooh, these lazy latecomers who can't be bothered to read really piss me off.
You did nothing wrong, but I think trying to establish boundaries with your mum would be a good thing. Waaay easier said than done, though.

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 11/03/2018 05:44

Well i hope you manage to get off to sleep again.

I woke to a text to say we are being charged for the meal today. I did say I was happy to take a dish or something but was told no and now have a charge to pay. Pretty pissed off as I have never charged anyone anything and its usually me that hosts.
Fucking families.

OP posts:
Original poster
Quiddichcup · 11/03/2018 06:30

I think this is the final straw for me. I'm actually really cross.

It's always been me that has hosted. Always. If someone has asked if they can bring anything i akways say something small like soft drinks or a coleslaw if it's a bbq.

So years of me doing that and the first time my brother hosts and he is charging us!! And he is usually the one that brings two bottles of soft drinks from Aldi.

Obviously I can't say anything as it's going to be difficult today anyway.

But that's it. I'm not hosting anything again and not being the organiser ( it always falls to me) I'm just going to go off and do my own thing. Fuck that.

Luckily Easter is out of the way anyway as dd and I are going away.

Talk about taking the piss.

OP posts:
Dobby1sAFreeElf · 11/03/2018 06:50

Well the real reason your brother wanted you to make it up has been revealed. He needs you to cough up for part of it.
I get the impression from your earlier posts you cannot afford to. If you can't, send your apologies and don't go.

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 11/03/2018 07:05

I can't really, no.
But after this with mum I don't think I have any option really.

But I'm so bloody angry that i am drawing s line in the sand. That's it, no more.

I've been teetering on the edge of this for a few years. All the family organisation comes down to me, birthdays, events, get togethers and I've got frustrated over the years that people wouldn't reply to texts or turn up an hour late and the food is ruined. I felt like no one actually wants to do these things but mum assures me they do and I have to keep trying.

But fuck that. What a slap in the face.

OP posts:
ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 11/03/2018 07:07

He's fucking charging you?! How much?

If you can afford it, cough up and go, then afterwards pull back dramatically from the lot of them.

For the benefit of posters who don't read the thread, the DM was NOT providing childcare. Repeat, NOT providing childcare.

Dobby1sAFreeElf · 11/03/2018 07:12

Seriously, if you can't afford it then make it clear to them. Notice on the day is not reasonable. Leave it to them whether they still want you to come but do not put yourself into any debt or further hardship for them. Decent families do not pull shit like this.

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 11/03/2018 07:14

It's 15 pounds so probably to them not a lot.
But I've never charged anyone for anything. I'm just actually shocked.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 11/03/2018 07:15

Just because your brother has told you to pay, you don’t have to comply. Simply point out that you can’t afford to pay and you did offer to bring a dish. Would he still rather you brought a dish? This is manipulation if he’s been to yours on several occasions for no charge then expecting you to pay is seriously cheeky.

If he refuses to host you without contributing financially, I would text your mother and any relatives you would like to see and send your apologies you can’t go because you cannot afford to pay.

Don’t let yourself get caught in the bad daughter cycle.

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/03/2018 07:18

Having read your update of £15. That’s £30 for you and your dd.

I repeat. You do not have to pay. He is a cheeky fucker. He really is his mothers son.

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 11/03/2018 07:18

I'll have to suck it up.
It's going to really leave me in the shit though.
I can't see that I can back out now , not after all this stuff with mum but that really is it.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 11/03/2018 07:19

Well if this is it, don’t pay. Just don’t. It is pure manipulation. You’ve really been trained well.

daducky88 · 11/03/2018 07:22

Blind a bottle of tap water with a stone in the bottom. And you can concict some BS about it the minerals being good for his karma ;-)

daducky88 · 11/03/2018 07:24

Bring not blind I meant. Bloody spoll chucker.
Is there an edit button for posts? Can't find it. :-/

daducky88 · 11/03/2018 07:27

Re your brother charging, b£_&&cks to that. If asks for money face to face. Just laugh and tell he ways always a joker.
One doesn't invite friends or family round and expect to pay.
Go round and take the piss out of it with humour.

daducky88 · 11/03/2018 07:29

And if whinges about affordability, he could done beans on toast.

blueskypink · 11/03/2018 07:30

Could you send a text back saying this has reminded you that he didn't contribute last year when you hosted so can you call it quits?