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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to have not stopped.

765 replies

Quiddichcup · 10/03/2018 06:26

Dd went to my mum's after school yesterday due to bad weather. Mum lives very close to the school and has said dd is welcome. Dd gets there at 3.30 and I finished work at 4pm so it wasn't for long.

I text dd as I came out to say I was on my way. And she replied to tell me my mum wanted me to go into the house.

I only saw mum 2 days ago and didn't have time. I had a 10 minute walk to my car ( in the rain) and called her to say I was sorry but I couldn't come in as I had a text from my food shopping I had ordered to say it was on its way. I hadn't actually ordered the food to come till 5pm but last week when I got home at 4.20pm it was sat outside my house.
Obviously I didn't want to miss it, so just asked her what the matter was. She wouldn't tell me and just said I needed to go in. I kept saying I couldn't but what was wrong.

She then got cross and told me to ' use my bloody common sense but I still didn't know and said to use it over what?

I then got screamed and shouted at as it was for mothers day. She had for dd some flowers to give me and wanted to watch dd give them to me. She called me selfish and hung up.

I was upset. I drove to mums house. Dd came out. Mum would usually come to the porch and save but she didn't.

Dd said mum slammed the door on her and told her to tell me not to call her.

A bit later I get a phone call and shes demanding I apolgise for pressuring her to tell me why I needed to go in. All my fault apparently. Ww3 has kicked off and mud slinging in my direction.

We were meant to be meeting the rest of the family Sunday for mothers day. Last year's mothers day was ruined over a huge family row with my sister. I don't want a repeat of that and with this going on with mum, cancelled my invite but said sorry.

Which has now made everything worse. I wouldn't pick up the phone to her so just got text after text of crap from her. And I can't have explained more times that i just needed to get home as I had had a text saying my shopping was on its way.

It's really upset me.

OP posts:
MayCatt · 10/03/2018 16:16

I find a lot of these responses utterly bizarre.

It seems quite clear that OP does normally pop in to see DM but today simply couldn't.

For a DM to call their own DD a "selfish cow" over something so trivial is appalling. I think your DM needs to apologise to you and to your DD.

YANBU. Hope you have a lovely Mother's Day with your own DD!

RandomMess · 10/03/2018 16:18

Perhaps what your DB said actually hit home to her I.e. he wasn't interested in her tale tattling?

RandomMess · 10/03/2018 16:20

Also remember that you do hold all the cards she wants to see DD, she wants you in her to abuse (as DSIS and DB won't let her). Practice not tolerating her sh*t.

katieflorins · 10/03/2018 16:22

Great! Now don't go overboard saying thank you or "oh no it was my fault". Just stay quiet and tomorrow stay calm.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 10/03/2018 16:23

Crikey that’s a turnaround OP. Really glad she’s apologised. Good on you for sending the text. Fingers crossed for tomorrow.

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 10/03/2018 16:26

Thing is, I don't do things like that anyway..

I did once go about 10 years not speaking to her as she has behaved appallingly. If we do go back to that and how we 're connected she paints a very different picture to the reality.

Fact is if even that didn't make a difference there isn't a lot that will.

I guess I just need to firm up my boundaries and lower my expectations of her.

OP posts:
Storminateapot · 10/03/2018 16:29

Yep I reckon that's as close as you'll get. Go and have a lovely time - don't rise if she tries to go on about it. I'm glad it's working out as best it can so far - don't keep the conversation going today in case she starts escalating or guilt-tripping.

Didoofcarthage · 10/03/2018 16:47

So pleased.

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 10/03/2018 16:50

I think a lovely time might be pushing it a bit!

Rock and a hard place and it doesn't really change anything.

OP posts:
Whocansay · 10/03/2018 17:12

Glad you got a reasonable resolution OP. Hope it all goes well tomorrow.

64BooLane · 10/03/2018 17:15

Doubling down on the Flowers OP.

People whose mothers are reliably reasonable/kind to them really struggle to comprehend the particular type of shaken-up-ness this kind of thing can leave you with. Even once you’ve defused the bomb, the effects of the tension spike linger. Brew

Well done, and enjoy your dd’s company tomorrow.

Lizzie48 · 10/03/2018 17:48

I have a DM who can overreact and turn on the waterworks so I've learned to keep some distance from her for my own sanity. I think it's very hard for people who don't have toxic parents to understand how they can make you feel, and how important it is to protect yourself from them.

You could have a look at the Stately Homes thread on the relationships board, OP, you will find non-judgmental support from posters who really get it. Thanks

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/03/2018 18:02

Well done for being the grown up. Make this the start of a new era in sticking up for yourself. As for your brother, I’d actually be pretty pissed off with him. He ignores the drama and expects you to continue to enmesh yourself in it so he doesn’t have to. Time to take a big step back from your family perhaps and be the best mum you can to your dd.

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 10/03/2018 18:12

Thing is, it's sticking up for myself that is the cause of the issue.

It would be solved if I hadn't have done so.

Dd says she is a bully and I just should not show a reaction and we are kind of verring away from doing things with them mostly Because they ruin it. It's sad but it is true.

OP posts:
Hygge · 10/03/2018 18:23

Quiddich it's not sticking up for yourself which has caused this.

Your mother has caused this.

It's not you, it's her.

Listen to your DD. It's often hard to see things clearly when you're so close to the epicentre of them but your daughter has a little more distance and clarity and she's telling you the truth.

Have you looked at the Stately Homes threads on here? They might help you if you do.

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 10/03/2018 18:45

I might have a look on there.

It's a long running issue. I do love her but it's very difficult sometimes.

There are a lot of issues at the moment and I'm wondering if it's to do with all of that. She is very competitive and doesn't like people to be doing , what she sees as being better than her. I got a new job and doubled my wage but she told me not to apply and then kept telling me I wouldn't get it. When I did she was funny with me for a few days before eventually saying she was proud of me but liked to think it was due to her support and if she was younger she would do something similar. She keeps getting fixated on exactly how much I earn and when I had a bad week was very keen to tell me to immediately leave amd she knew it wouldnt work. Maybe it's to do with all that. Plus I'm working later.
Maybe it's that. Maybe it's not. Who knows. She's a very tightly wound person.

I do love her. It's sad.

OP posts:
Beeziekn33ze · 10/03/2018 18:47

💐🥂🍾

Hygge · 10/03/2018 18:58

You loving her isn't in any doubt. It's clear that you do, and that's absolutely fine.

The threads might make you think that your situation isn't as bad as the ones on there, or that she isn't quite like the parents being discussed, but that doesn't mean that you can't ask for advice or help or read them to see if anything resonates. You might recognise something of your situation even if not all of it seems to fit.

And you're not going to be told you have to cut her off or anything.

But you might find ways that help you cope with times like this or focus on what you want and what you can and can't accept from her.

I promise you will get a more gentle reception than you have had from some people on this thread. They are very supportive.

Certcert · 10/03/2018 19:00

If she had told me it was a surprise or something then I would have gone in. But she didn't.

In my opinion, it seems you could have gone in then but you didn't seem it important enough for you to?

Your mum, however, completely over-reacted, but that's a whole other thread.

I still don't understand why you didn't go in, when you could have done. You've already admitted that the delivery wasn't due?

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 10/03/2018 19:06

For about the 50th time. I had had a text saying the delivery was on its way.

In any case it doesn't matter. Nothing should have warranted that reaction. That is not how grown ups should react.

OP posts:
Original poster
Quiddichcup · 10/03/2018 19:07

Hygge. Thank you.
If it helps in any way it's worth a look.

OP posts:
ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 10/03/2018 19:44

I commented very early in the thread OP and have read with disgust the absolute kicking you've received today. I'm sorry. You didn't need that on top of being your mother's punchbag yesterday.

I'm glad there's been a resolution of sorts, but I agree with your dd. Just pull right back and stop inviting her to as many things. What you describe really, really aren't the actions or words of a loving parent. I have similar issues with my mum and I have pulled back massively. When she has a tantrum - she specialises in silent ones to really ramp up the victim act - then I utterly ignore her. It's manipulation, pure and simple.

MrMeSeeks · 10/03/2018 19:52

my opinion, it seems you could have gone in then but you didn't seem it important enough for you to
Yes how dare op rush home to get her and her child's food for the week Hmm

Sunflowersforever · 10/03/2018 20:06

Just read a few of your other posts OP. You have a mother who is jealous of you, IMO. I've seen this before in people who haven't led the life they want (whether from gender inequality or lack of opportunity etc) and it can be nasty when the person becomes bitter with it. Quite a devastating sort of relationship and one that thrives under a 'divide and rule' culture. I thought your original post was touching on BU but as I posted before, the underlying issues is the problem not one incident that can't sum up all the historical stuff. I'd keep healthy boundaries where you can

StrangeLookingParasite · 10/03/2018 21:07

Your mum looks after your child after school to enable you to work. If you are so convinced that your mum is so unhinged and selfish why are you allowing your child to go there and be cared for by someone who you think is in need of help.

For FUCKS sake.

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