Aibu to have not stopped.

[Quiddichcup]

Dd went to my mum's after school yesterday due to bad weather. Mum lives very close to the school and has said dd is welcome. Dd gets there at 3.30 and I finished work at 4pm so it wasn't for long.

I text dd as I came out to say I was on my way. And she replied to tell me my mum wanted me to go into the house.

I only saw mum 2 days ago and didn't have time. I had a 10 minute walk to my car ( in the rain) and called her to say I was sorry but I couldn't come in as I had a text from my food shopping I had ordered to say it was on its way. I hadn't actually ordered the food to come till 5pm but last week when I got home at 4.20pm it was sat outside my house.
Obviously I didn't want to miss it, so just asked her what the matter was. She wouldn't tell me and just said I needed to go in. I kept saying I couldn't but what was wrong.

She then got cross and told me to ' use my bloody common sense but I still didn't know and said to use it over what?

I then got screamed and shouted at as it was for mothers day. She had for dd some flowers to give me and wanted to watch dd give them to me. She called me selfish and hung up.

I was upset. I drove to mums house. Dd came out. Mum would usually come to the porch and save but she didn't.

Dd said mum slammed the door on her and told her to tell me not to call her.

A bit later I get a phone call and shes demanding I apolgise for pressuring her to tell me why I needed to go in. All my fault apparently. Ww3 has kicked off and mud slinging in my direction.

We were meant to be meeting the rest of the family Sunday for mothers day. Last year's mothers day was ruined over a huge family row with my sister. I don't want a repeat of that and with this going on with mum, cancelled my invite but said sorry.

Which has now made everything worse. I wouldn't pick up the phone to her so just got text after text of crap from her. And I can't have explained more times that i just needed to get home as I had had a text saying my shopping was on its way.

It's really upset me.

If the slot is from 5 till 6 than they cannot drive off with your shopping before 5pm.

They shouldn't, but it happens.

The driver shouldn't drive off with shopping before 5, but he might actually do so and it is a hassle to rearrange. If you don't have any food in the house it's pretty stressful.

YANBU op. Have a good day with your brother.

Complete overreaction from your mum OP, and one I recognise because my mum would have done exactly the same. Hope you're ok

Wow, have just read the full thread - there are some horrendously bitchy replies on here, with people determined to slag off the poor OP! I'm pretty convinced that one poster, who kept repeating 'When are you going to say sorry' is actually the Narcissistic Grandmother herself. And the post negatively commenting on the OP's relationship with her DD is just plain spiteful in my opinion.

OP - you were not being unreasonable. I'd agree with previous posters that you shouldn't waste any energy with engaging with the crazies on this thread. I hope that your brother has managed to make you feel a bit better, and that you manage to resolve things.

My personal advice (feel free to ignore it!) is that your mother is toxic and that you need to radically reduce contact with her. She is overly invested in your life, seems to be controlling you and any time you try to push back you'll get all this shit again. Life is too short.

My brother told me to sort it out as he had made an effort for tomorrow. He said it doesn't matter but just to sort it and he said he told her the same.

Obviously I have heard nothing from her so it will have to be me to try.

And so it goes on.

Thank you to everyone who has been supportive. It does mean a lot as I started to question my sanity. To those who enjoy sticking the boot in, maybe try to remember there is a real person on the other side of the screen.

She's toxic and controlling. I can't believe people in their happy families that have no idea of what it's like to have a nutter parent who can turn on a dime.
Here OP have some 💐

So what he's made an effort for tomorrow? You don't have to sort anything. You have done nothing wrong. You know what will happen if you go tomorrow, even if you have apologised and tried to smooth things over (even though I really don't think you should apologise).

Your brother knows that she'll spend the day bitching about you no matter what. If he doesn't like that then he needs to tell her to stop.

Stick to your guns and do what is right for you and your dd.

Quiddich - are you going to try to talk to her today, or just leave it til tomorrow? I think, if I were you, I'd leave it til tomorrow because things could potentially get worse before then if you try to talk it out or she refuses to speak to you today.
Can you not just turn up wherever you're supposed to be tomorrow and see what happens?

So does he live by the same OP. Would he listen to you saying that if he was in your shoes?

So there's your 1st flying Monkey, your brother.

The only way for you to sort this out is by sweeping all of her behaviour under the carpet and letting her get away with it again.

If you do apologise then it just give her the right to continue to behave like this every time you and your DD do not do exactly like this time and time again and nothing will change.

Aw OP just wanted to send you my love.
This thread has actually been really hard to read (probably shouldn't have done). I also have a difficult mother and difficult relationship with her, I went down the abusive relationship route too, more than once, and ended up having a lot of counselling untangling it all. I don't know if there's any chance of that being an option for you?
Happy Mother's Day to you for tomorrow anyway, regardless of what happens. x

I think you’ll be making a big mistake apologising to her, she’ll make you feel even more rubbish than you do now.

Tell your brother you’ve done nothing wrong and there’s nothing to apologise for.

Think I would leave until tomorrow and merely text "I'm happy to accept your apology for the way you to spoke to me, I'll leave it with you"

Then go out and enjoy yourself with DD

If you do go, focus on being breezy, count to 10 endlessly, and don't even acknowledge her behaviour. Just ignore the guilt tripping completely.

She'll get bored and from the sounds of it your brother will tell her off too.

Also, limit your time. Plan when you'll leave and do it. If she whines or complains just grit your teeth and smile and nod, and leave. Plan a little treat when you get home (like punching a pillow and crying, then having some nice food and watching something good on tv).

Do not apologise! Ignore ignore ignore.

He told me to go round and see her or at least phone which I said I won't do as it's highly likely to blow up again.

He told me he told her to sort it which is at odds with her ' stay away text but has promised me if he will not allow anything bad to happen tomorrow. Which he isn't in control of, so means nothing.

I'm just exhausted by it and sat here crying again.

Obviously I have to text her and I think I'm going to say something about sorry there was a mis under standing yesterday. I did not know she had a surprise and was in a race to get back home for my shopping. And that we should draw a line under it and I'll see her tomorrow.

And then I'll be civil and leave as quick as I can do.

He told you? He doesn't get to tell you to do anything. He sounds as bad as her.

They both sound like pieces of work, sorry. I have been in a similar boat to you and I think thumbwitch's advice is good. Drop in briefly tomorrow if you feel like it, but draw boundaries about how much you are going to let this get to you. This is emotional abuse and if it's going to get better, it will have to get worse first. Because you will need to keep saying no to her, like you did the other day, and develop a thick skin. You were right to not go in, and the guilt and anguish you are feeling is directly in proportion to the emotional battering you've received from your mum.

Poor you op

Could you text and say you're sorry she feels annoyed with you but would she like to see you tomorrow. And leave it up to her? I wouldn't be apologising outright when you've done nothing wrong, but I would give her a chance to see you - if she wants

I think you have to consider this from the point of view of 'you can't argue with crazy'.Its the only way I can get along with my parents-and their increasingly bizarre and negative behaviour.
If you feel you'll be able to send that message and then be bright and breezy no matter what comes back tomorrow then I think that's the best way to go.(whilst knowing that actually you are in the right but choosing to be magnanimous). If you feel it's going to be too upsetting and you won't be able to do that then I would say don't go-it nots worth the ramifications if it all blows up.

virtual tissue from me. Can you make some nice hot tea? Lots of sugar.

Don't do or text anything while you're crying.

So your brother, who ignores your DM as he says its the best way, says that because he's made an effort you need to do whatever to placate her? Sounds like he'd rather have you in the firing line than be in it himself.

Have you asked your DD what she would like to do tomorrow? After yesterday she may not want to be around your DM.

She sounds like a child throwing a tantrum and needs to be treated as such, by being ignored. Total massive over reaction on her part. I'd actually go as low contact as possible.
Toxic parents book is always being recommended here - order it from the library.
Really feel for you. She sounds seriously unhinged. Not sure how or why you put up with this. Sounds like your family are enabling her behaviour, which is understandable but needs to end. You wouldn't put up with it from a child.

So your brother, who ignores your DM as he says its the best way, says that because he's made an effort you need to do whatever to placate her? Sounds like he'd rather have you in the firing line than be in it himself.

^^ This. Sounds like he is worried if DM falls out with you then she will switch her attention to him. He is happy to have you taking all the grief.

Right. Text sent.

Let's see what happens.

I just said sorry there was a mis understanding and her surprise didn't work out how she planned it, let's draw a line under it and I'll see her tomorrow.

I don't even know what response I'm going to get from that, if any.

Well fuck me. I'm actually dumbstruck.

She said sorry for mis understanding.

That counts as an apology in my book.