Aibu to have not stopped.

[Quiddichcup]

Dd went to my mum's after school yesterday due to bad weather. Mum lives very close to the school and has said dd is welcome. Dd gets there at 3.30 and I finished work at 4pm so it wasn't for long.

I text dd as I came out to say I was on my way. And she replied to tell me my mum wanted me to go into the house.

I only saw mum 2 days ago and didn't have time. I had a 10 minute walk to my car ( in the rain) and called her to say I was sorry but I couldn't come in as I had a text from my food shopping I had ordered to say it was on its way. I hadn't actually ordered the food to come till 5pm but last week when I got home at 4.20pm it was sat outside my house.
Obviously I didn't want to miss it, so just asked her what the matter was. She wouldn't tell me and just said I needed to go in. I kept saying I couldn't but what was wrong.

She then got cross and told me to ' use my bloody common sense but I still didn't know and said to use it over what?

I then got screamed and shouted at as it was for mothers day. She had for dd some flowers to give me and wanted to watch dd give them to me. She called me selfish and hung up.

I was upset. I drove to mums house. Dd came out. Mum would usually come to the porch and save but she didn't.

Dd said mum slammed the door on her and told her to tell me not to call her.

A bit later I get a phone call and shes demanding I apolgise for pressuring her to tell me why I needed to go in. All my fault apparently. Ww3 has kicked off and mud slinging in my direction.

We were meant to be meeting the rest of the family Sunday for mothers day. Last year's mothers day was ruined over a huge family row with my sister. I don't want a repeat of that and with this going on with mum, cancelled my invite but said sorry.

Which has now made everything worse. I wouldn't pick up the phone to her so just got text after text of crap from her. And I can't have explained more times that i just needed to get home as I had had a text saying my shopping was on its way.

It's really upset me.

GreatDuckCookery

There's some right twats on this thread.

OP, plan a nice day with your dd. Stop answering your phone at 6.30am. You're going to get shit whatever so I'd ignore your mother as much as is humanly possible. It takes the power away from her.

OP

Again you are missing the point and assuming reasonable people on all sides.
There is never conflict resolution, in such a one sided relationship. There is only compliance and obedience. Until the next time you do something 'wrong' and it all flares up again. It is impossible to keep the DD out of it, so the example she sees is compliance.

Not only does this not relate in the slightest to what you've quoted me on, it's also a massive projection. You're assuming all dysfunctional or toxic relationship has the same dynamic that you're familiar with. They don't. And from what the OP has shared, I for one certainly can't see that this is a one sided dynamic.

Yanbu, at all.
The driver would not have waited for ypu to get home and you would have been lucky if they'd redelivered!
It wAs not ok for her to scream and text you abuse.
You are not a terrible person.
Enjoy your mothers day with your dd

Really shaoely? I see exactly that here and I'm projecting nothing.

Sorry, name typo...

Why is it so hard to just be nice? Your mum could have easily popped out to the car. You could have easily popped in and said 'Hi mum, got to rush, oh some flowers, how kind!'. But instead you both chose to stick rigidly to your guns and be awful to one another. You sound really similar so if you don't like the way your mum acts you're going to have to make a conscious decision not to be so much like her.

Like some here - both of you were unreasonable. It happens - it does a fair bit in my family - after a particular bad spate with my father one of my brothers suggested I make the first move as I was more self aware than my dad. Wot a diplomat! Anyway like a lot of people here, honestly, I think you’ll feel better if you go round to see her whatever happens (I’m thinking another screaming fit from your mum at the door). And I think the message your daughter will get would be great.

If someone had kindly looked after my child I think I might have taken the time to pop in say thanks and hello!

Christ I feel like I've walked into the twilight zone.

It doesn't matter if OP wanted to get home not to miss her shopping or go home as scratch her arse. She told her mum she couldn't drop in after work and that she would speak to her or see her later. That should have been enough for her mum.

Sometimes you can not just drop everything and do what some one else wants.

OP I don't think you did anything wrong, try to enjoy your weekend with your daughter and ignore you mum or any other flying monkey's your mu may send in to back you (and DD) back in the place she has deemed you place.

Jeezus there's some awfulness on this thread!!

I read your OP, and felt sorry for you because my mum had done similar to me several times, although never quite so ferociously. Then I started to read the replies and actually got upset because it was almost as though I was being attacked as well.

I had to stop reading for a bit, but then came back to it and saw that some people who can actually read had come on and answered you with some sympathy.

I believe that half the reason your mother kicked off in the way she did is because you ruined her "grand gesture". She had acquired some flowers for your DD to give to you, despite your DD having already got you presents, and she wanted to enjoy feeling like she'd done you a massive favour. Your refusal to come in at her say-so meant that her grand gesture was now wrecked and she was livid because of it!

Her pettiness afterwards, refusing to speak to you initially, refusing to wave at you through the porch (was it still raining, by the way?) and the abusive texts thereafter all show that she was determined to have her way and her moment, and you shouldn't have dared to thwart her.

YOu have experience of your mother's behaviour causing great damage to family relationships already - so it's not very surprising that you don't want to go on Sunday. But you're caught between a rock and a hard place here - if you do go, the atmosphere will be terrible and you and your DD will have a rotten time, to say nothing of the other family there. If you DON'T go, your mother will never forgive you.

So my advice, such as it is, is to go along, give her a card/present if you have already got them, and then LEAVE again. That way, you don't have the atmosphere, you don't have to put up with the snide shit, AND you don't get labelled as the "one who refused to see me on Mother's Day".

Ignore all the posters who can't be arsed to read the thread - their opinion is based on insufficient evidence or empathy.

In short, YADNBU and your mother is a controlling, manipulative, emotionally abusive bully.

lethal you haven't read this thread have you?

Just finished reading all 19 pages and YANBU OP. And I say that as someone who has lost her mother but my DM was not the same as your DM so I am not going to project my experience of a loving mother and use it as a stick to beat you with. Also, for all those who have not read the whole thread, The op's DD is a teen who had popped in to see her gran. THERE WAS NO CHILDCARE INVOLVED.

If someone had kindly looked after my child I think I might have taken the time to pop in say thanks and hello! What part do you not understand NO ONE looked after op DD.

DD is a teenager and called into see her grandparent for a VISIT not to be looked after or abused by her grandmother.

Sums it up perfectly Thumb. I hope some of the posters who've been nothing but horrible to the OP read it.

Oh and I could never "just drop in for a few seconds" because my mother was the same with the chat about people I didn't know - "a few seconds" would be half an hour before I knew it, much of it taken up with her having to remember exactly what Joan had said to Harry (neither of whom I knew) and who had been there at the time.

She did the same to me on the phone all the time as well - I used to have to tell her there were people at the door or I needed the loo after half an hour or so because she just would NOT stop or change the subject if I didn't.

She's dead now - been dead 10 years - but I don't miss these aspects of her one little bit.

Thanks, GreatDuck, but given they can't even be bothered to read all the OP's posts, I somehow doubt it!

Yes you're probably right Thumb, one can live in hope

YWNBU OP, I would, in all honesty, have done the same thing.

Plan something lovely for you and DD on Sunday instead

I have just not taken a call from my mother because I don't want to spend 45 minutes on the phone with her! I was planning to call her tomorrow for Mothers Day and will do so when I'm in the right frame of mind.

No I only read first post! Not the following 19 pages which is awfully remiss of me I know! Still having not read it all, i think I may still have popped in to see my mum if my kid had been there, whatever age, its a small gesture.

YANBU.

I didn't realise you have to nip in for 5 mins whenever your DM asks in order to be "grateful" for the "free childcare". Honestly, if you have to frame an hour with grandma after school as "free childcare" then I feel that's very sad - makes it sound like a chore, as if you'd actually resent spending that time with your grandchild without getting paid for it. Like OP is the only one who should feel grateful - grandma gets to see her grandkids, right? Shouldn't she also be grateful for that.

I shouldn't think OP's teenaged DD will be stopping in to grandma's on her way home from school ever again after this! However much it's raining!

If the slot is from 5 till 6 than they cannot drive off with your shopping before 5pm.