Aibu to have not stopped.

[Quiddichcup]

Dd went to my mum's after school yesterday due to bad weather. Mum lives very close to the school and has said dd is welcome. Dd gets there at 3.30 and I finished work at 4pm so it wasn't for long.

I text dd as I came out to say I was on my way. And she replied to tell me my mum wanted me to go into the house.

I only saw mum 2 days ago and didn't have time. I had a 10 minute walk to my car ( in the rain) and called her to say I was sorry but I couldn't come in as I had a text from my food shopping I had ordered to say it was on its way. I hadn't actually ordered the food to come till 5pm but last week when I got home at 4.20pm it was sat outside my house.
Obviously I didn't want to miss it, so just asked her what the matter was. She wouldn't tell me and just said I needed to go in. I kept saying I couldn't but what was wrong.

She then got cross and told me to ' use my bloody common sense but I still didn't know and said to use it over what?

I then got screamed and shouted at as it was for mothers day. She had for dd some flowers to give me and wanted to watch dd give them to me. She called me selfish and hung up.

I was upset. I drove to mums house. Dd came out. Mum would usually come to the porch and save but she didn't.

Dd said mum slammed the door on her and told her to tell me not to call her.

A bit later I get a phone call and shes demanding I apolgise for pressuring her to tell me why I needed to go in. All my fault apparently. Ww3 has kicked off and mud slinging in my direction.

We were meant to be meeting the rest of the family Sunday for mothers day. Last year's mothers day was ruined over a huge family row with my sister. I don't want a repeat of that and with this going on with mum, cancelled my invite but said sorry.

Which has now made everything worse. I wouldn't pick up the phone to her so just got text after text of crap from her. And I can't have explained more times that i just needed to get home as I had had a text saying my shopping was on its way.

It's really upset me.

What the fuck is happening on MN where a thread can bring out so much bile?
If this is directed at me, it's actually in response to snide comments from op.

If you finish work at 4 having the shopping delivered at 5 is not leaving any time space for any disruptions. If the shop delivered earlier previously that would be an indication to make your delivery time slot a little later so that any early delivery and any delays in your journey could be accommodated.
Your mum looks after your child after school to enable you to work. If you are so convinced that your mum is so unhinged and selfish why are you allowing your child to go there and be cared for by someone who you think is in need of help.
You can't spare a minute or two to get out the car and speak to your mum and child and you think you are hard done by!
Oh dear

Her response is disproportionate to the situation, but can you please stop acting as if you didn't go in because of the food shop? You yourself have admitted that last week when it eas early, they were waiting outside your door. Which, common sense tells us they would do again. So that wasn't really the reason - at least not logically.

Generally I'd find it pretty rude to pick someone up from a close family members house but not pop in and say hi. She did tell you on the phone more than once that it was something she needed you to come inside for.

I agree she was BU in her reaction, but you also could have handled the situation differently.

Stillme1 - you're having a laugh right?

Especially if once the conflict is resolved, the DD is then expected to not say anything to the grandmother about what got said.

Again you are missing the point and assuming reasonable people on all sides.

There is never conflict resolution, in such a one sided relationship. There is only compliance and obedience. Until the next time you do something 'wrong' and it all flares up again. It is impossible to keep the DD out of it, so the example she sees is compliance.

Just have a calm discussion

If her mother isn't humanly capable of having a calm discussion at any time, she desperately needs to be on some kind of medication.

(Says a woman whose mother was rarely capable of having a calm discussion and these days is on several types of medication.)

Stillme1

Are you in some alternate reality reading a different thread where the DGM provides childcare so that the OP can work? Or just wanting to pile in?

My mum can be a bit of a PITA and she's also always right about everything. But serously, OP, if my mum behaved liked yours does, I'd move to a different town and try not to see her very often. She might be your mum, but she's not behaving in a very motherly fashion, is she? That stress is not what you and your DD need. You need to put up some boundaries, so that your mum knows that of she behaves in this crazy way, she won't get to see you or speak to you. Just don't answer her calls. Just don't go round there.
She'll soon start being more reasonable.

What snewsname said.
For what it's worth YANBU and I agree your mother overreacted. x

You yourself have admitted that last week when it eas early, they were waiting outside your door. Which, common sense tells us they would do again.

Unless it was a different delivery driver which it probably would have been. One incident is not a pattern.

OP, your mum has behaved horribly. And to all those people saying she could have popped in for one minute, she probably would've been criticised or had barbed comments thrown at her for that.

So what do you do from here?

Your mum has called you names, told you to stay away. I personally think people need to know there are consequences for saying stuff like that, so I'd take it at face value - you've been told to stay away - and stay away. I wouldn't do it in a nasty way, just focus on tomorrow for yourself and your daughter.

You could send a text saying you're sorry that this whole situation happened, you were worried about the food shopping and you had no idea she had flowers for you. However, I don't think logic is really going to get you anywhere, and I'd bet that would be turned around and end up with more criticism towards you.

I think you need to slowly disengage. The 6am phone calls are ridiculous. The family meal sounds like it will be shit if there are going to be constant snidey comments so honestly, I wouldn't go. If someone is going to sit there and be horrible to you why should you have to put up with it? And to the people who say life is too short - yeah it is. Too short to be treated like that.

Good luck OP.

Yanbu your dm behaved like a brat why couldn’t she just send the flowers out with dd? I think you need to take a step back with her and put some boundaries in place. She is your mum but you are not her possession she needs to know you have your own mind and life. Yes She was trying to do something nice but wanted it on her terms that’s not so nice. Empathy and understanding works both ways for all the pps saying how awful op is.

I think a lot of stress would have been reduced if the shopping delivery was slightly later.
Perhaps the child waits outside their own house when the weather is not so bad. I am not sure. It may be that the Gran was called last minute to have the child on a bad weather day.
It would be polite to collect the child and speak to the Gran just to say thanks. It looks to me like the OP does not have time for the Gran but does expect her the Gran to step in to babysit. Not very nice or fair. IMO.

StillMe1

Have you even read the thread in full because your last post suggests you haven't got a bloody clue what you're even talking about,

stillme

You clearly missed the bit where OP reiterated several times that her daughter is in high school and is not 'babysat'. She waited out of the rain at her gm's rather than walk home.

Sounds like much deeper issues going on in the family dynamics than just this one incident.

GM being overly dramatic with gestures and having high expectations, OP overly fending off going in knowing that must antagonise and escalates it and so on. Sister still not engaged after last years fiasco and now this years gathering impacted on.

In the middle of it all is DD watching and learning.

Something has to change or it'll be more of the same.

Well, that was a huge overreaction on your DM's part but she might feel a bit taken for granted. She'd been looking after your DD for you.

But her behaviour was still very poor, name calling and slamming the door in your DD's face. Not good at all.

She's your mum for God's sake. would it have killed you to go in for a minute and after the second time she asked you you should've realised it was something important, at least to her.
How are you going to feel when you're daughter whinges that she 'only saw you two days ago'.
I don't even get on with my mum most of the time and I still would've just gone in.
she annoys the heck out of me and yet i still don't count how many times I've seen her that week, I'll be glad to see her as much as possible

Obviously still hasn't read the thread. Just spouting sanctimonious nonsense.

just to add yes I agree with that your mum overreacted afterwards and she shouldn't have but it probably coudlve been avoided with you just going in for a sec

Goodness, it continues.

If the OP had said: "I forgot dinner (or whatever). DH has screamed, slammed the door, texted, and sulked at me, what do I do?", the correct answer would not be "get dinner ready earlier next time".

"She's your mum" is a stupid statement.

YABU. All this waiting for food delivery is bullshit, you had a timeslot. Not your error if the delivery turns up early.

What if you had been stuck in traffic getting back home? What would happen to your shopping then?

Your DM was trying to get you to pop in for 2 minutes so your child could give you flowers.

What if it had been some emergency that your DM didn't want to say in front of DD incase of scaring her?

You were being an arse. Would have taken you 2 minutes.

Stop making excuses.

Um I am probably missing the point here...

You book a slot. If the shopping comes early and he waits outside your door tough. He waits. It's not your job to plan their route/time. You cannot miss your shopping and buy all over again if they arrive 40 mins before the slot starts.

That's not how it works.

She's your mum for God's sake.

So the OP should put up with her acting like an overly-dramatic fishwife then?

FGS - the delivery is IRRELEVANT.

Even if there was no delivery and the OP made that bit up as an excuse (Not saying she did before any more wrong sticks are taken hold of) she was still justified in not going in.

End of the week, long day at work, speaks to her mum several times a day, her mum is abusive, op is tired and wet and just wants to get home. Why should she go in? Especially when her mum is unable to give a reason.