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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to have not stopped.

765 replies

Quiddichcup · 10/03/2018 06:26

Dd went to my mum's after school yesterday due to bad weather. Mum lives very close to the school and has said dd is welcome. Dd gets there at 3.30 and I finished work at 4pm so it wasn't for long.

I text dd as I came out to say I was on my way. And she replied to tell me my mum wanted me to go into the house.

I only saw mum 2 days ago and didn't have time. I had a 10 minute walk to my car ( in the rain) and called her to say I was sorry but I couldn't come in as I had a text from my food shopping I had ordered to say it was on its way. I hadn't actually ordered the food to come till 5pm but last week when I got home at 4.20pm it was sat outside my house.
Obviously I didn't want to miss it, so just asked her what the matter was. She wouldn't tell me and just said I needed to go in. I kept saying I couldn't but what was wrong.

She then got cross and told me to ' use my bloody common sense but I still didn't know and said to use it over what?

I then got screamed and shouted at as it was for mothers day. She had for dd some flowers to give me and wanted to watch dd give them to me. She called me selfish and hung up.

I was upset. I drove to mums house. Dd came out. Mum would usually come to the porch and save but she didn't.

Dd said mum slammed the door on her and told her to tell me not to call her.

A bit later I get a phone call and shes demanding I apolgise for pressuring her to tell me why I needed to go in. All my fault apparently. Ww3 has kicked off and mud slinging in my direction.

We were meant to be meeting the rest of the family Sunday for mothers day. Last year's mothers day was ruined over a huge family row with my sister. I don't want a repeat of that and with this going on with mum, cancelled my invite but said sorry.

Which has now made everything worse. I wouldn't pick up the phone to her so just got text after text of crap from her. And I can't have explained more times that i just needed to get home as I had had a text saying my shopping was on its way.

It's really upset me.

OP posts:
Okadas · 10/03/2018 10:07

There was no text.

This whole exchange happened by phone call while the OP walked to her car.

Her shopping last time was not left on the doorstep. The van was waiting outside.

Delivery drivers sometimes don't wait.

Her mother did not collect the teenager from school.

Her mother was not providing free childcare.

The OP cancelled the cheque.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 10/03/2018 10:09

*Aridane

I agree with orphanblack. Mother’s Day seems bring out the worst in daughters on mumsnet*

Really?! The mum bares no responsibility here?

I don’t think YABU OP, but then my mum would have realised I was in a hurry and either spoken up or not pressed the point. Which I think is the more normal reaction.

LimonViola · 10/03/2018 10:09

*Today 10:04 Quiddichcup

Limon. It will. She will go on about it for years.
And it's hsrd to have a nice time when I know that's hanging over my head. If I go have a nice time with dd that will be seen as a personal insult and more proof of what a horrible person I am.*

But don't you see, her words and behaviours only have power because you're buying into them. So what if she thinks you're a horrible person? You know you're not and that she's BU. So what if she goes On about it? You're an adult. You get to say 'oh, you're mentioning that again? Anyway I gotta go' and remove yourself from the situation.

You sound very enmeshed with her and very unable to separate yourself from her drama. Which isn't unusual to be fair if the family has been conditioned to gasp with fear at every sharp word or offer grovelling apologies every time she decides you've done something wrong.

Have you ever had therapy regarding managing your relationship with her? It's no way to live.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 10/03/2018 10:09

Why did you even bother posting, OP? You clearly don’t think you’re being unreasonable.

HolyMountain · 10/03/2018 10:11

WhatToDoAboutThis2017

To get it off her chest?, to see what the opinion of strangers is regarding her Mother's controlling behaviour and anger?

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 10/03/2018 10:12

Yesterday was basically ' sorry I've got to go' And look what happened!

Plus it's about 50/50 To me bring a horrible person who deserves it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Quiddichcup · 10/03/2018 10:14

Being a horrible person.

No one has explained why they think it would be best to leave dd with no dinner , or msybe food for a few days. Why my mum should come before feeding my child?

OP posts:
katieflorins · 10/03/2018 10:15

Lots of people here can't understand not adoring their own mums, or how hard it is to have a difficult parent over the course of your lifetime. Tiny things like this are just emblems of the bigger problem: your mum is melodramatic and self-centred.

You're not horrible. You'll just have to internally roll your eyes and put up with her unfortunately - and the judgement from people who can't fathom having a tricky parent so assume it's your fault. Thanks

Dobby1sAFreeElf · 10/03/2018 10:15

OP you need to start listening to your DD. She's asking you not to include your DM in things, she's telling you to ignore your DMs behaviour. She has a better grip on your DM than you. Why are you going to let your dm's tantrum ruin your DD spending time with you? Put your DD first and ignore the batshittery

RandomMess · 10/03/2018 10:16

Your Mum seems to have issues, she dealt with it completely inappropriately - if DD had come out with flowers she. Oils have watched anyway!

The 0-60 screaming vitriol became you didn't obey without question sounds unhinged.

UnRavellingFast · 10/03/2018 10:17

I like the word batshittery

LIZS · 10/03/2018 10:17

Noone has said you're a horrid person Confused you clearly both have difficulties communicating and avoiding conflict. She tried to do a nice thing and feels it was thrown back at her. You feel she is demanding on your time. If dd was not expected to drop by where did the flowers come from. Can you really not ring and apologise for hurting her feelings?

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 10/03/2018 10:17

But really. My choice was get home so I had food to feed my child or pop into my mum's for a reason she wouldn't tell me.

I don't understand what other choice I had really and struggle to see from posters points of view when they say they would go see the mum. Even if it meant no food for your child?

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 10/03/2018 10:18

You are where I was a few years ago. Trust me it does get easier if you put your boundaries up, albeit it gets harder at first. You sound frightened and hurt and very much like a needy child.

The language you’re using illustrates how you allow yourself to be in the role of child and your mother of parent.

For example adult mother told you off. Wtf! You’re not 6. You will have this situation hanging over you for years. These are not the actions of a loving and caring mother.

The more you post, the more you sound like I was. Trust me you can overcome this. Your dd really wants you too as well. Put her and your relationship first.

LIZS · 10/03/2018 10:18

But you could have gone home, dealt with the delivery and returned. Then you have food and flowers.

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 10/03/2018 10:18

Lots of people have called me selfish and that my behaviour is nasty.

OP posts:
katieflorins · 10/03/2018 10:19

They're just not thinking about you OP. They're thinking of themselves and their own parents and kids, and projecting.

Also on Mumsnet everyone has several weeks of food supplies according to quite a recent thread, and can't get that most people don't live like that.

GlubGlubGlub · 10/03/2018 10:20

OP you are not unreasonable and I say this as someone whose mother died very young. I miss her terribly however your mother sounds batshit! She completely over reacted.

Sometimes I think that posters on her live in another world. I’m not a single parent and can’t even begin to imagine how stressful it is trying to juggle everything.

Flowers to you OP. Have a lovely day with your daughter.

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 10/03/2018 10:20

Linz- I couldn't do. Because when I said o couldn't she shouted and hung up. Therefore removing that course of action.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 10/03/2018 10:20

Well you’re not either of those things. People who don’t have toxic parents can’t understand.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 10/03/2018 10:21

No one has explained why they think it would be best to leave dd with no dinner , or msybe food for a few days. Why my mum should come before feeding my child?

Don’t be so ridiculous, OP. This was never even a possibility.

katieflorins · 10/03/2018 10:24

Yy to everything that mummydragon is saying.

OP, your mum isn't rational.

Other people's parents are, so they can deal with "not now" or "I'll be back in ten minutes".

They cannot get that it isn't like this with some mums and dads. It's like thinking that there's no sky, or air, or something. They can't get their heads fully around it. Don't try to convince them, you won't.

Many of us have been there though.

It's not really about popping in to see her this time. It's about the fact that she just wants you to play a part in her play, and you didn't jump right in when she ordered you to, she lost it like a toddler.

She wasn't being loving at all.

It's not you who's selfish and broken but it is easier to think that when you begin to realise how toxic your parents can be.

Huge sympathies from me.

LIZS · 10/03/2018 10:24

She may have hung up but she still did not force you to pick your dd up there and then.

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 10/03/2018 10:25

But is is a possibility. As lots of people have said, the drivers don't always wait. If they didn't and couldn't 're deliver till 10pm or the next day, what was I to do with dd?

And how would anyone know 100% that this wasn't going to happen?

You wouldn't. No one would.

Don't pretend other wise.

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 10/03/2018 10:26

OP I don’t think you were wrong. You’re not a mind reader. You didn’t know it was for Mother’s Day. Your mum was dramatic and unfair.

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