Aibu to have not stopped.

[Quiddichcup]

Dd went to my mum's after school yesterday due to bad weather. Mum lives very close to the school and has said dd is welcome. Dd gets there at 3.30 and I finished work at 4pm so it wasn't for long.

I text dd as I came out to say I was on my way. And she replied to tell me my mum wanted me to go into the house.

I only saw mum 2 days ago and didn't have time. I had a 10 minute walk to my car ( in the rain) and called her to say I was sorry but I couldn't come in as I had a text from my food shopping I had ordered to say it was on its way. I hadn't actually ordered the food to come till 5pm but last week when I got home at 4.20pm it was sat outside my house.
Obviously I didn't want to miss it, so just asked her what the matter was. She wouldn't tell me and just said I needed to go in. I kept saying I couldn't but what was wrong.

She then got cross and told me to ' use my bloody common sense but I still didn't know and said to use it over what?

I then got screamed and shouted at as it was for mothers day. She had for dd some flowers to give me and wanted to watch dd give them to me. She called me selfish and hung up.

I was upset. I drove to mums house. Dd came out. Mum would usually come to the porch and save but she didn't.

Dd said mum slammed the door on her and told her to tell me not to call her.

A bit later I get a phone call and shes demanding I apolgise for pressuring her to tell me why I needed to go in. All my fault apparently. Ww3 has kicked off and mud slinging in my direction.

We were meant to be meeting the rest of the family Sunday for mothers day. Last year's mothers day was ruined over a huge family row with my sister. I don't want a repeat of that and with this going on with mum, cancelled my invite but said sorry.

Which has now made everything worse. I wouldn't pick up the phone to her so just got text after text of crap from her. And I can't have explained more times that i just needed to get home as I had had a text saying my shopping was on its way.

It's really upset me.

Lizs- do you really think I would leave dd there when she was kicking off like that!!!

Absolutely no way.

Try to be nicer to your mum. lots of us will spend a bit of Mothering Sunday having a quiet moment thinking of our mums because that's all we can do.

ODFOD. What is it with this emotionally manipulative bollocks that people keep posting to try and guilt the OP? I lost my mum in 2016, I miss her every single damn day and there's barely a day goes by when I don't think about her. I still think the OP's mum reacted in an over the top manner, going from 0 - Batshit for what was, let's be real, a minor thing.

You should have gone in. You should also be complaining to your food supplier as if you book a 4-5 delivery, that's when it should come. Mine will call and ask permission to deliver it early occasionally but delivery drivers have told me they aren't even supposed to do that

Unless you hate your mother then of course you are being unreasonable.

Maybe ring up your mum and tell her she’s selfish and that she should have walked in the rain to help her gd give you flowers.

What is wrong with you? Only in MN world is she making it about herself and it should be the gd seeing the wonder on your face.

You lied about shopping and you didn’t understand when your mum said for you to use your common sense. Did she touch a nerve?

No one has explained why they think it would be best to leave dd with no dinner , or msybe food for a few days. Why my mum should come before feeding my child?
I've not said you're horrible or selfish, but I do think you have a tendency to over dramatize things, if what you have written here is accurate. Are you honestly saying your cupboards, fridge and freezer were completely empty of food prior to the food delivery? And you couldn't have nipped out Saturday for anything at all?

I didn't lie about any shopping?
What are you talking about?

The ' use your bloody common sense ' was her getting frustrared that i didn't understand why she needed me to go in. I said that i didn't understand what she meant, because why at 4.20 on Friday when I'm getting soaked walking to my car after a long day at work, would I have any clue what she was talking about? It was 3 days till mothers day!

Just go and do something nice with your DD, something really different like wall climbing, roller disco or some other random activity.

You know your mother is controlling step away enough to create more distance and better boundaries

No one has explained why they think it would be best to leave dd with no dinner , or msybe food for a few days. Why my mum should come before feeding my child?

You both seem well versed in catastrophising small problems!

If the shopping is booked between 5-6, it’s their fault if they’re there earlier. If has happened more than once-book a later slot!

You seem to be saying it was a choice between seeing your mum or your child having no food to eat. A little dramatic perhaps though I can see where you’ve got that from.

Fortunately. Nice you don't live on the bread line. No, there wasn't anything much and no spare money to nip out and get something else.

You're getting an unnecessary bashing here op. Yes your mum was unreasonable in her response.

It's not dramatic, it's a possibility..

I understand if you have enough money that it doesn't really matter and you can order a take away or go get something else. But I don't.

Lots of us have been insiders in this situation. We hear you. Please listen to the people on this thread saying you're not being unreasonable.

Someone who acts like this over one tiny incident is very recognisable to others who've experienced the same behaviour.

She's programmed you since birth to jump to her needs and her feelings. She won't have done this intentionally or to be cruel, there will have been reasons in her own childhood, she might just be repeating a pattern.

But the effect on you is similar to a form of abuse though. It's all about her and not you. The horrible part is that you end up looking like the crazy person to the outsiders like liz, and in some ways sadly you are. It breaks something inside us to grow up with irrational needy parents.

I suspect we'd tick a lot of boxes on attachment disorder checklists, it makes us more anxious, more desperate, dramatic in turn, until we tackle it.

You can spend years trying to convince people that you're not the cause of the problem, because if you can do that maybe you can change your Mum too. But you can't. All you can do is work on accepting the dynamics and not internalising the guilt and feelings anymore.

Have you ever had therapy? It's such a relief when you move past this stuff, honestly, and it can help you to create boundaries and "give" that parent some attention without it eating you alive inside. It could also help you with your daughter.

Op. Think you are taking things that posters are saying on here to personally, just like you are getting upset over what your dm has done and said.

Yanbu in the slightest. You know you are not, so why worry about what she or some people on here are saying? Try to be more confident in your own reactions. If you want to smooth things over then you can attempt to do so without admitting blame, as obviously it wasn't your fault and a complete overreaction from your mum. it doesn't matter if it was for shopping or anything else. That bit was irrelevant and didn't need justifying. The op just didn't have time on this particular day. That is all that is needed to know In this scenario

A simple text now "sorry you are upset over the misunderstanding. I didn't have time to come in and didn't realise it would only be for 30 seconds. I explained to you I didn't have time. Anyway shall we put it behind us?" Then the ball is in her court. Leave it to her to accept the olive branch or not. Don't feel guilty if mothers day continues to be spoilt for your dm. It is not your fault and you should continue tho enjoy it with your own dd.

No, there wasn't anything much
That's not the same as no food, though, is it? Don't assume I know nothing about living on the bread line either. I've been down to my last few green potatoes in the giant value bag. Cut off the green bits and eaten them. But at no point was there literally nothing in the house. Not enough for a nice, well balanced or tasty meal. But never literally no food. If this is the case, v unfortunate and I feel for you, but I'd be willing to bet there was something you'd have been able to eat if starving was the alternative.

Some of the replies on here are insane! It's like Chinese whispers with people adding their own little bits to the OP and the hammering the OP for the bit they've added on!

When I started home delivery I, like you, used to panic about missing the delivery - it's a normal response, especially when you get a text to say it's on the way.

You did nothing wrong here, your Mum's reaction was OTT. I think a break from contact is a good think. Please try and have a nice day tomorrow with your DD.

Mother's Day isn't ruined. Have a lovely day with your wise daughter doing whatever the two of you enjoy. YANBU.

Sounds like your mother needs to adjust her expectations. Keep your phone switched off until you're ready in the morning, for starters. 5-6 calls a day, at inconvenient times? Wow.

Me and dd are very close. But in a heathly way. I parent very very differently to my mother who tells me off about it quite a lot and we have had blazing rows about it.

Dd is very well adjusted and has that internal confidence. She knows her thoughts, options and feelings are as valid as any one else's. This was so important to me as it's probably no surprise that i ended up in a domestic abuse situation. We split up when dd was tiny and I've been on my own since.

katieflorins

Agreed. All this arse about Mothers Day bringing out the worst in daughters (who of course, are usually also mothers here) suggest lack of experience of that personality type in the family. My DM still bears the scars of my DGM.

And of course inability to actually read the OP's posts.

Loving the fact that PPs assume that because their own hamper from Fortnums arrives reliably no-one else has problems and that the OP can just nip down to the shops for another pot of caviar if it doesn't arrive.

It's like Chinese whispers with people adding their own little bits to the OP and the hammering the OP for the bit they've added on!

Did you miss the bit where the OP threatened to burn her mother's house down and smashed the windows with a tin of beans hmmm?

(I totally agree, some of the responses here are almost as ridiculous as the mother's reaction.)

So now it's the better option to feed my dd green potatoes to put my mother first??

Seriously??!!!

I'm sorry but that's just crazy and I don't think there are any people that would legitimately do that.

YANBU at all OP.

I can't understand why people are so keen to tell you that you are, or why they are making up crap like childcare or shopping on doorsteps or you not phoning.

You are not a mindreader. You had no idea your mother had bought flowers. She wouldn't tell you what she wanted. You're a single mum with a full time job and had a reason to need to get home.

On top of all of that, you have described some worrying behaviour from your mother, that she's controlling, that she holds a grudge, that she can never apologise but that she can't accept an apology either without constant digs for years, that your sister has walked out and not seen anyone for a year now, that your DD often wants to leave her out of things because she spoils them, that you love her but that you all know she's like this.

If you were saying this about a partner people would be telling you to leave.

I can think of similar things with DH's parents. Going passed their house without calling in could result in hours of phone calls, MIL sobbing, FIL shouting, DH being disowned, his siblings calling to say that we'd upset PILs and needed to sort it out, PILs telling the whole world they don't know what they did to upset us but now we're ignoring them. The fall out from nipping to the shop to get some milk could last for weeks, with DH being expected to apologise and MIL still bringing up the argument months later.

MIL once spent an hour complaining about her other DIL's mother. PILs were staying with BIL and his wife and they noticed SIL's mum going by. She waved and carried on going. PILs thought this was basically child abuse, why wouldn't she call in if she was passing, what does that say about her and her relationship with SIL, how cold must she be to ignore her daughter and grandchildren, they would never ignore their own child like that. The poor woman was going to work, she wasn't doing anything wrong.

People on this thread don't know what it's like to live with someone who is so high maintenance. I think you do OP.

Yes, your mother bought flowers and wanted to surprise you. But it seems to have been more about her than you, judging by her reaction.

She wanted to see your DD hand them over and she wanted you to read her mind about it. It wasn't about you having the flowers, it was about her seeing you get them.

And you've explained over and over that now she's blown up at you she will drag this out for weeks or months. That's not normal behaviour.

Op you need to ignore the crazy on here and not engage. Ditto your mother. Stop engaging. I can see why things escalate with your mother. You can't detach and see the crazy for what it is. Just step away.

Do people really think the point here is about the food?

The OP doesn't need to defend her right to boundaries. For whatever reason, she didn't want to go into a house.

Her mum's reaction was and is and will be disproportionate.

Quiddich, I'm not surprised at all that you ended up in a domestic abuse relationship as an adult, it's textbook. I'm so glad you escaped and also stopped the cycle with your daughter - seriously, thats amazing and must have been so difficult.

But now you need to work on dealing with this stuff about your mum internally, and how it affects your reactions to everything. It's so hard, we're hardwired differently because of it all, and it takes decades for us to realise what's going on and that we're not just going to grow out of it.

Hygge- that's exactly what it's like. All I got last night was text after text over how could I treat her like this after everything she has done for me. How I should be ashamed of my behaviour. How I make the family look bad etc etc.

Do people really think the point here is about the food?

It’s hard not to when the OP has mentioned the bloody food shopping about 50 times