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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to have not stopped.

765 replies

Quiddichcup · 10/03/2018 06:26

Dd went to my mum's after school yesterday due to bad weather. Mum lives very close to the school and has said dd is welcome. Dd gets there at 3.30 and I finished work at 4pm so it wasn't for long.

I text dd as I came out to say I was on my way. And she replied to tell me my mum wanted me to go into the house.

I only saw mum 2 days ago and didn't have time. I had a 10 minute walk to my car ( in the rain) and called her to say I was sorry but I couldn't come in as I had a text from my food shopping I had ordered to say it was on its way. I hadn't actually ordered the food to come till 5pm but last week when I got home at 4.20pm it was sat outside my house.
Obviously I didn't want to miss it, so just asked her what the matter was. She wouldn't tell me and just said I needed to go in. I kept saying I couldn't but what was wrong.

She then got cross and told me to ' use my bloody common sense but I still didn't know and said to use it over what?

I then got screamed and shouted at as it was for mothers day. She had for dd some flowers to give me and wanted to watch dd give them to me. She called me selfish and hung up.

I was upset. I drove to mums house. Dd came out. Mum would usually come to the porch and save but she didn't.

Dd said mum slammed the door on her and told her to tell me not to call her.

A bit later I get a phone call and shes demanding I apolgise for pressuring her to tell me why I needed to go in. All my fault apparently. Ww3 has kicked off and mud slinging in my direction.

We were meant to be meeting the rest of the family Sunday for mothers day. Last year's mothers day was ruined over a huge family row with my sister. I don't want a repeat of that and with this going on with mum, cancelled my invite but said sorry.

Which has now made everything worse. I wouldn't pick up the phone to her so just got text after text of crap from her. And I can't have explained more times that i just needed to get home as I had had a text saying my shopping was on its way.

It's really upset me.

OP posts:
blueskypink · 10/03/2018 09:48

Please please please people - STOP with the delivery talk!!!

LimonViola · 10/03/2018 09:49

Try to be nicer to your mum. lots of us will spend a bit of Mothering Sunday having a quiet moment thinking of our mums because that's all we can do.

That's a pretty crappy thing to say, trying to make OP feel guilty by invoking the 'not all of us have mums' card. OP has every right not to be spoken to shittily by her mother and to be rightly annoyed by her behaviour. Other people not having their mums anymore doesn't change that.

And yes I'm one of those whose mother is dead. And if she were alive and acting like this we'd have been having words!

HolyMountain · 10/03/2018 09:51

Try to be nicer to your mum, why?

Not all Mothers are nice, loving and selfless and trying to make OP feel guilty is not a helpful post.

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 10/03/2018 09:51

For about the 5th time. My conversation with her was over the phone. I called her when I was walking to the car to tell her I couldn't pop in because the food shopping was coming.

A delivery slot an hour after I finish work when I have a 5 min commute is fine.

OP posts:
franktheskank · 10/03/2018 09:52

I disagree with everyone and think the op is not being unreasonable!

Her mum overreacted and sounds toxic!

LimonViola · 10/03/2018 09:53

Wtf, you speak every single day? Starting at 630am!?

That's a disturbing level of enmeshment. Do you want that from your relationship with your mum OP? Or is it all for her?

Time to start setting some boundaries.

snewsname · 10/03/2018 09:55

A simple "please come in. It will only take 30 seconds" will have done the trick. Yanbu. Total overreaction on her part.

Perhaps a quick apology from you early on might have stopped it escalating but that depends on the normal dynamics. You don't want to enable reasonableness regularly.
"Sorry mum I didn't realise it would only take a minute or two and I really need to get home quickly for the shopping" Would that have calmed the situation?

snewsname · 10/03/2018 09:56

unreasonableness

HolyMountain · 10/03/2018 09:57

If you don't pick up she will keep phoning and phoning and eventually come round and then I get a guilt trip as no one else cares and something could have happened

I think a break in communication for at least a few days is a bloody good thing , based on that ^.

viques · 10/03/2018 09:57

Lemon and Holy, I would rather have a living mum saying shitty things with the opportunity to make up afterwards than a dead mum . No, not all mums are wonderful, but OPs mum picks up her daughter at short notice , and buys her flowers. she can't be all bad.

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 10/03/2018 09:58

Every single day. Maybe 5 or 6 times.
I am nice to her.

I listen to every winge about work people and exact detail about what she has done that day.

I wouldn't have had any problem popping in on any other day. Just I had to get back home.

She is controlling and she is smothering. It is who she is. We all know that bit still love her but sometimes it makes things tricky.

I didn't want any of this to happen and sat crying like a child for a good few hours last night. I'm still very upset and don't really know what to do. But mothers day is now ruined again, whatever I do.

OP posts:
UnRavellingFast · 10/03/2018 09:59

Even if you were being a bit unreasonable in pressuring for an answer instead of popping in, your mum sounds very dramatic and self absorbed. Unless you've been the child of someone like that it's hard to understand. She had planned how it was going to play out in her head and was too inflexible to roll with it, getting furious and self pitying when it didn't go as planned and making it all about her, not a gift for you. Name calling is wrong too.

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 10/03/2018 09:59

She didn't pick my dd up. Dd is at high school and sloped off there as it was rainy and she didn't want to walk home.

OP posts:
LimonViola · 10/03/2018 10:00

It's just unfair viques to try make someone feel guilty for something unrelated, the fact that some people don't have their mums anymore.

It's like coming onto a thread where someone is moaning about their husband's drug use with a 'be grateful you even have a husband, mine died and I'd give anything to have him back with me even if he was snorting coke every day'

It's just not relevant and it's nasty. OP can feel however she does about her mum. She doesn't have to moderate or change that because a stranger has lost theirs.

blueskypink · 10/03/2018 10:02

Viques - OP's dd is high school age. She called in at her gm's house which is close to the school. No picking up necessary.

LimonViola · 10/03/2018 10:02

OP I mean this kindly but please stop being so dramatic about Mother's Day being ruined. You being so upset is undoubtedly exactly what she wants from this.

It's just a day. You're a mum. Spend time with your daughter if you want to. Ignore the whole day if you want to. In a year from now none of this will even matter.

LIZS · 10/03/2018 10:02

You both sound ott. You see her regularly anyway. If your shopping delivery was such a priority why not head straight home and collect dd later or she walk home as usual. Why text and say no rather than just explain on arrival?

HolyMountain · 10/03/2018 10:03

viques each to our own but making OP feel guilty when she 's already feeling bad is pretty low of you.

C8H10N4O2 · 10/03/2018 10:03

YANBU but I think if your OP had mentioned the age of your daughter then the hordes wouldn't have framed you as the "ungrateful daughter whose elderly, frail DM was tirelessly providing free childcare" Grin

I was the DD in your situation many years ago. My DGM was exactly like this and my parents were bloody saints in what they put up with over the years.

Home delivery is far from infallible.
I've had home deliveries since they started in the 90s. Wouldn't go back to supermarket shopping but the idea that things don't go wrong is nonsense. I've certainly had deliveries go wrong and arrive at the wrong time and had to wait a day or more for redelivery. And yes, you don't get the refund for a few days for a failed delivery.

Fortunatelymine · 10/03/2018 10:04

But you are saying that is fine as that is what has happened.
If you were replying to me here op, no, I didn't say it was fine. I have said it was an overreaction but I could imagine why she might have reacted like this.

Mum didn't shout at me from the house. I didn't even see her. She passed a message to dd to tell me not to contact her.
I know. I didn't say DM shouted at you from the house :). DD said DM slammed the door and shouted to tell you something ie DD was to tell you something.

Give sunday a miss if you think it best, but if someone doesn't back down, you've probably soured your and dd's relationship with DM for good...

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 10/03/2018 10:04

Limon. It will. She will go on about it for years.

And it's hsrd to have a nice time when I know that's hanging over my head. If I go have a nice time with dd that will be seen as a personal insult and more proof of what a horrible person I am.

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 10/03/2018 10:05

All these Mother’s Day threads are driving me fucking daft!
It’s not even happened yet. Got that to look forward to tomorrow.😝

LimonViola · 10/03/2018 10:06

Give sunday a miss if you think it best, but if someone doesn't back down, you've probably soured your and dd's relationship with DM for good...

If this did happen it'd have been her mum who did that, not OP.

Giving in and rolling over every time just encourages her to keep going with this shit.

OP I highly recommend the grey rock technique with your mother. The best response to her kicking off like that would have been 'oh, are you okay? You seem really upset. Thanks for the flowers. I've got to get off so I'll see you sunday' and either ignore any further messages or reply with a 'has something happened to make you so upset about this? I hope you're okay. Gotta dash, see you soon' and so forth.

Remove the fuel from her fire.

HolyMountain · 10/03/2018 10:07

I wouldn't stop thinking of tomorrow as being ruined.

Go to the cinema or watch something funny on the tv with your dd and try not to feel obligated to making your Mum feel better.

She's punishing you for not doing what she wanted , ignore her and stick a metaphorical two fingers up at her.

pinklemonade84 · 10/03/2018 10:07

Absolutely crazy that people seem to be choosing to ignore the fact that you have been in to your mum’s several times in the week already. Just yesterday you had a reason that you needed to get home earlier.

Op yanbu in the slightest. Your mum shouldn’t have flown off the handle like she did. If she knew she would be seeing you tomorrow, I don’t see why she didn’t save the flowers until then