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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD friend's mum not picking up the phone..

621 replies

lunakitty2609 · 09/03/2018 22:25

So my Dd (9) is staying the night at her friend's house for the first time. The parents of the friend know this is her first time away. I tried texting friends mum at 8.30pm to make sure dd was okay, no reply. I have since tried phoning 7 times in 20-minute intervals, still nothing... Who does that? AIBU??

OP posts:
QueenDramaLlama · 10/03/2018 00:50

Drama llama - what emergency at home would require you to wake a 9yr old asleep safe in another house up for?
It could be anything - a family member taken ill so you are leaving late at night / early morning to see them. I could think of 100 things but it's not the point, the point is they should be contactable.

Beeziekn33ze · 10/03/2018 01:06

OP - how well do you know the family? To me that would be the important factor when arranging a sleep over.

HuskyMcClusky · 10/03/2018 01:26

9 is NOT old for a first sleepover. Any younger than that is too young to be staying with people not known to you IMO.

Huh? I’m pretty sure they’re not ‘people not known to [her]’, cause that would be really strange. Confused

I find this thread completely bonkers, tbh. You either trust someone to look after your child as their own, or you don’t. Blowing up their phone after 8:30 pm is just irrational.

Thebirthdayparty · 10/03/2018 01:28

I would text again in the morning OP and if they don't respond, I would ring again. TBH at that stage I wouldn't care how crazy I looked, it is bad form not to respond. The other family are 'babysitting' your child. You'd expect to be able to get in touch with your babysitter if it was a reasonable time. At the very least, you'd expect a text update saying everything is ok, if you saw seven missed calls from the mother of a child staying in your house.

Is your child due home tomorrow?

I would not allow my child to go to that house again.

TheQueenOfWands · 10/03/2018 01:30

I expect they'll drop her home first thing.

Be shit for them trying to have a day out and the phone going constantly.

mathanxiety · 10/03/2018 01:31

Seven calls in 90 minutes is a lot of calls.

I sent five DCs off to sleepovers from about age 5 in the days before mobile phones, and after everyone had one, and have hosted dozens of children myself.

I only knew most of the families via their children. Most of the time I knew only one of the parents at acquaintance level from school, but sometimes I had not even met either one.

I would not expect a reassurance text. Managing my anxiety is up to me. If I had reasonable qualms about sending a child off to a particular family home for a sleepover, then the child should not have been sent. If the qualms are unreasonable and brought on by sitting in an unusually quiet house at night, then calming down is a better idea than a barrage of phone calls.

A reassuring text would also be meaningless. My child might or might not be fine. The parents might or might not be off their heads on coke. If they could type a coherent message of reassurance, how would I know what was gong on?

Sometimes you have to just weigh the probabilities, and relax.

HuskyMcClusky · 10/03/2018 01:42

I would not expect a reassurance text. Managing my anxiety is up to me. If I had reasonable qualms about sending a child off to a particular family home for a sleepover, then the child should not have been sent. If the qualms are unreasonable and brought on by sitting in an unusually quiet house at night, then calming down is a better idea than a barrage of phone calls.

Spot on.

CadyHeron · 10/03/2018 01:51

How hard is it to just send a "all is good,having fun" text though?
It's just called being considerate for others.I'd do the same if I was nutty enough to host a sleepover in the first place

Olikingcharles · 10/03/2018 01:59

I'm sorry but that's just ott. Parents need to be kept informed of what exactly?? There was time not so long ago when there were no mobile phones and hold onto your hats some didn't even have a home phone. Parents managed to get by without a constant up date on what their child was doing on a sleep over. I that it's the first time but hells bells calm down just a bit.

Thebirthdayparty · 10/03/2018 02:06

I agree charles but times are different and the world really has changed and not necessarily for the better.

Parents also parent differently these days and imo they parent more actively than how it was when I was growing up, with good reason.

kungpopanda · 10/03/2018 02:07

The OP shouldn't stress too much about her calls not being picked up. The sleepover mom is probably supervising very closely as the guests' organs are being harvested.

Cavender · 10/03/2018 02:09

I do think it’s odd that several posters are assuming that the lack of response is deliberate.

Surely it’s far more likely that she’s left her phone in another room or her bag and hasn’t thought to check it?

Olikingcharles · 10/03/2018 02:15

I agree birthday the world has changed in a lot of ways and not as you say necessarily for the better. In terms of parenting styles being different yes it's great parents are more involved but in some cases they are imo to involved. Give them some room to move just a little. All this constant texting and updating on what the child is doing is just crazy imo. You either trust the people your child is with or you don't let the child go in the first place.

WetPaint4 · 10/03/2018 02:39

If the woman had picked up the phone when she heard it, there wouldn't have been a further six calls. It's not like the OP has been calling and speaking to the mom every twenty minutes.

If she didn't hear it or it's on silent, no harm done.

I think it's nice, when you have someone else's child in your care, to just let the parents know they're okay and having fun.

macbethh · 10/03/2018 02:49

I would not expect a reassurance text. Managing my anxiety is up to me. If I had reasonable qualms about sending a child off to a particular family home for a sleepover, then the child should not have been sent. If the qualms are unreasonable and brought on by sitting in an unusually quiet house at night, then calming down is a better idea than a barrage of phone calls.

Couldn't have said this better

treaclesoda · 10/03/2018 02:58

I don't understand why so many people are convinced that the other parent is ignoring the texts. Until recently, I lived in a mobile blackspot. Sometimes texts didn't reach me for days. And it could take me hours of hitting 're-send' to send a text. And my mobile wouldn't ring, it would go straight to voicemail. I'd be mightily pissed off if my child's friends parents labelled me as inconsiderate and irresponsible for the crime of not being able to respond quickly to texts.

PinotMwah · 10/03/2018 03:00

I think some of you are being quite harsh: yes 7 calls is perhaps a bit OTT but if you're looking after someone else's kid I think you owe it to them to provide an update and to be available in case of an emergency.

My DD (7) has had a friend sleep over a couple of times and on both occasions I sent a reassuring text to the mum (who is an old friend) before bedtime and again in the morning. I would have made a point of checking my phone periodically in case she was concerned. And I'm a pretty laid back parent. I can't really see why people think its odd or neurotic to want to check on the welfare of a child.

If she'd replied to the first text you wouldn't have needed to chase.

ihatetosay · 10/03/2018 03:03

she should have picked up

QualityDogWrangler2 · 10/03/2018 03:17

I don’t like sleepovers, and never have. And the other parent appears rude.
However, you will probably find she never heard the phone.
Never do a sleepover again. It’s not a necessity, no matter what people on mumsnet often say. 😀

Cavender · 10/03/2018 03:51

Never do a sleepover again

Confused So the child, who is more than likely having a wonderful time has to miss out on a pretty normal childhood activity to serve her mother's anxiety?

That’s neither fair nor healthy.

IslingtonLou · 10/03/2018 04:02

You sound incredibly overbearing. Fair enough, you’re worried about your child but the reality of the situation is that they’re probably sleeping/relaxing and are fine. In your situation after the first missed call, I would have just sent a text asking her to ring you when she has a minute and left it at that. 7 times is ridiculous, it is not an emergency situation. Chances are she has probably hosted sleepovers before and doesn’t feel that minute by minute updates are necessary, and if she saw your text than she would have called back. The fact that she hasn’t responded yet means that her phone is off/not on her/they’re asleep so further calls aren’t useful until she actually checks her phone

YouCantGetHereFromThere · 10/03/2018 04:09

The OP shouldn't stress too much about her calls not being picked up. The sleepover mom is probably supervising very closely as the guests' organs are being harvested.

This was my first assumption too Grin

nocoolnamesleft · 10/03/2018 04:22

Unless I'm oncall, my mobile would often be on charge in a different room. I would be unlikely to hear it ring, I certainly wouldn't hear a text. Though trying to remind some people of the existence of a landline, which has way better reception, is an uphill battle...

claraschu · 10/03/2018 05:16

I hate mobile phones and texts.

If we were still in the age of home phones, I might have rung, and said something along the lines of: "Sorry I am being a bit silly but it's DDs first sleepover and I just wanted to check she was ok". Sleepover parent would have laughed and said- "Oh they are fine, just eating ice cream; do you want to say good night?" etc. If sleepover parent didn't hear the phone, I could ring again 20 minutes later, and no one would have known I had tried to call earlier, so my looniness would have gone undetected.

fuzzyduck33 · 10/03/2018 05:20

I'm with you op, I think it's fair to expect a small amount of reassurance that your child is ok. Just a quick "yes she's having a great time" text would have eased your mind, so other mum is being a bit thoughtless. They probably are absolutely fine though Smile