Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD friend's mum not picking up the phone..

621 replies

lunakitty2609 · 09/03/2018 22:25

So my Dd (9) is staying the night at her friend's house for the first time. The parents of the friend know this is her first time away. I tried texting friends mum at 8.30pm to make sure dd was okay, no reply. I have since tried phoning 7 times in 20-minute intervals, still nothing... Who does that? AIBU??

OP posts:
seventh · 10/03/2018 05:34

That mother sounds like someone who doesn't look at her phone. Which is very annoying

You are NOT being unreasonable AT ALL @lunakitty2609 and I wouldn't want my child going back to that house again.

slashlover · 10/03/2018 06:03

OP did you ASK for a text or arrange a time to chat to DD? If not YABU.

Maybe next time tell the parents that you'd like a text or that you want to call DD to say goodnight.

FlouncyDoves · 10/03/2018 06:07

YABU. They’ll have been eating/having fun etc. Just chill out.

victorhelmet · 10/03/2018 06:17

You are definitely NOT bu, I think I would be feeling exactly the same as you are xxxxxx ThanksThanksThanks

Aridane · 10/03/2018 06:20

Sounds like OP isn’t ready for a sleepover

Aridane · 10/03/2018 06:22

i'd be round in the car to be honest - its a bit late now

And you would be that Mother

AjasLipstick · 10/03/2018 06:29

God. I had a child here last night (I'm in Oz) who we hadn't had for a sleepover before and it didn't occur to me to text to the parents that she was fine. She's 10. I assumed that they'd assume she was fine!

Wouldn't most hosting parents only contact or expect contact if something had gone wrong??

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/03/2018 07:07

My 9 yo dd has a medical condition and I do worry about her as if it happens (luckily rare), she can seriously hurt herself. Were I as anxious as you op, it would have perhaps been better to get in the car at 8.30 on the pretext of dropping off an item. I agree with a pp we can come across as neurotic because phones show the number of missed calls etc, which is a shame. You’ll just have to front that out and own up to your angst. It’s fine to worry about your child but you need better strategies to deal with this next time.

SukiPutTheEarlGreyOn · 10/03/2018 07:11

Ajas, unless the parent specifically asked me to at drop off, it would not occur to me to text either. Similarly, would not expect text from hosting parents.

Can sympathise as to why you're feeling a bit worried, op but there are lots of innocent reasons why the parents won't have texted back. As someone who rarely checks phone in the evenings, I've probably been guilty of this myself without realising.

Hope you were able to sleep and that you learn today that all went well.

Xeneth88 · 10/03/2018 07:21

This is hilarious. All the helicopters in one place. Unclench you weirdos, the kids 9 not little. They'd call if there was a problem and you won't need to worry as after the 7 stalky phone calls she won't be invited back.

SciFiRocker · 10/03/2018 07:25

Xeneth88 - congratulations on throwing stigma at mental health again. It's people like you who make others keep it to themselves and suffer when there is no need.
Anxiety can be pretty serious.

WheresYouWheelieBin · 10/03/2018 07:34

I’d assume that no news is good news, and I’d get on with my night. When my children go for sleepovers, I make sure I have my phone with me in case the parent needs to call me (last time my child forgot his hayfever medicine and I had to drive it over as he started having a reaction to flowers in their garden). I wouldn’t expect the parent to be waiting for my calls though, they are too busy caring for the kids. If I wanted to make sure the parent would definitely answering the phone (not sure why I’d need that though) I’d make sure I let them know when I dropped my child off.

Teateaandmoretea · 10/03/2018 07:36

I don't think 9 is too old for a first sleepover at all. My dd has only ever had them with my closest friend and her daughter not with school friends. I'm not overly anxious at all it's because I actually need my sleep at the weekend and having other people's dc keeping me up all night I don't want whether it is a 'normal childhood activity' or not. Thankfully dd's friends parents don't seem overly keen on them either so they come round during daytime hours. My friends's dd just goes to sleep so that works for me.

She's been away with brownies and is going to pgl in the summer.

Presumably someone will come along in a minute and accuse me of ruining her life. I don't really understand why parents are so keen to start them personally.

treaclesoda · 10/03/2018 07:37

Anxiety can indeed be pretty serious. But it's not up to other people to manage your anxiety. I used to suffer terribly from anxiety, particularly health anxiety, I really was unable to function like a 'normal' human. But my anxiety wasn't helped in any way by other people indulging it. The only thing that helped was dealing with it myself (in the form of medication and CBT).

Mrscaindingle · 10/03/2018 07:44

Id have to disagree that anxiety can be pretty serious, it feels absolutely horrible but it won't kill you unlike some other illnesses, esp MH ones.

Sounds like the op could do with some help in managing her own anxiety or she could pass it on to her own DC. Op your GP will be able to refer you for CBT which can be very effective in managing anxiety.

BertrandRussell · 10/03/2018 07:44

I think the OK was unreasonable to have rung so often. As the mother of one who was sometimes “wobbly” on sleepovers at this age and had to be collected, I always assumed all was well unless I heard otherwise.

However, I can’t understand why the other mother didn’t respond the minute she realized that the OP was trying to get in touch with her. I would have assumed it was something really important- something heath related or activity related forgotten, change to pick up - something. And (I never say this!) if it turns out that she was deliberately ignoring, although I can’t really believe that could be true, she doesn’t sound a nice person and I would only have the other child at mine in the future. Not because I thought my child at risk, but because I wouldn’t want her staying with nasty people!

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 10/03/2018 07:49

My son had a medical condition which required clear instructions to hosting parents in case he needed to use his medical kit (I’m still so grateful, I don’t know how they put up with it) but I cannot imagine going to check my child was ok hours after dropping him as I would have taken the precaution of telling parents I would be on call if they need me.

Never got a call and that was pretty natural. He was not dying or upset under their care, what can be so wrong if the have not contacted you???

This reminds me of DS’ first day at nursery, DS was sleeping in his car seat so no dramas, but before leaving it for the looong 3 hours he was going to be there, I spent quite a good time going through DS’ little foibles with the woman in charge until she calmly put a postit with their telephone number on my hand, walked me to the door and told me “call us if it helps, the children are always fine, it is the mums who find it difficult”

She was right, when I came back DS was still happily asleep in his car seat.

Mintychoc1 · 10/03/2018 07:54

Caring about how your child is getting on, during their first night away without you, is not anxiety! It's normal. OP is perfectly entitled to want to know that all is well, and it would worry me too if I'd been unable to get a response to a text or phone call.

If you're one of those chilled out parents who happily wave your child off anywhere without a backward glance, well bully for you. But I think in the real world (not MN "I'm so cool and laid back" world) you'd be in the minority.

BertrandRussell · 10/03/2018 07:54

In this particular scenario, both the OP and the other mother were in the wrong!

stayathomer · 10/03/2018 07:55

When you're picking up make sure to say there was something wrong with your phone or something and sorry, but at the same time, yes they should have replied to your text in the first instance.

Cheby · 10/03/2018 08:01

Did she ever reply OP? She’s an idiot; as others have pointed out the emergency could have been with your family, and you needed to collect DD immediately or something.

Threehoursfromhome · 10/03/2018 08:10

I would guess that if your daughter wanted to contact you, she would ask? So I think you can take from that all is well. But I think in future, agree upfront what contact you would like because people have clearly have different expectations. I'm another one who doesn't routinely check my phone in the evening.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 10/03/2018 08:13

I wouldn’t make a fuss of it, especially if nothing untoward has happen at night. At the end of the day, children have their groups of friends and this may last for years. If you look like the deranged over worried mum, you will get a child upset because the other kids continue to have sleepovers and other after school activities and she will be the one who is not invited anymore.

I doubt very much she was ignoring you deliberately. Some people just keep their phone silent at night. Especially nowadays when the phones are beeping with emails, app notifications and offers the whole night.

GeorgeTheHippo · 10/03/2018 08:18

No. The rule on sleepovers is - they contact you if they need to. You don't contact them.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 10/03/2018 08:19

Wow! Another MN thread that makes me realise what a completely lax parent I've been. Wouldn't occur to me to contact host like that unless your DD had been unwell or worried about going.

She's 9 not 3!!

In a couple of years she'll be at secondary school and you won't even meet most of the parents of her new friends!