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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD friend's mum not picking up the phone..

621 replies

lunakitty2609 · 09/03/2018 22:25

So my Dd (9) is staying the night at her friend's house for the first time. The parents of the friend know this is her first time away. I tried texting friends mum at 8.30pm to make sure dd was okay, no reply. I have since tried phoning 7 times in 20-minute intervals, still nothing... Who does that? AIBU??

OP posts:
HarrietKettle · 09/03/2018 23:17

But you've sent her to a friend's house to have a nice time in a safe place.

You've not sent her to the cotton mills for christ's sake.

Original poster
lunakitty2609 · 09/03/2018 23:22

but maybe 7 times in 20 minutes is a little crazy. Most people have their phones on silent, so 20 minutes isn't all that long to not have responded!

It wasn't 7 calls in 20 minutes.. it was 7 calls from 8.30 to 10pm..

OP posts:
GinnyJumperoo · 09/03/2018 23:23

I dunno I’m quite an anxious parent. I don’t like leaving my kids even with grandparents (I do it but I don’t like it) and I get stick for that.

I know they’re safe. I know if anything bad happened, they’d call. But I worry about things like, what if they are upset and worried and I’m not there?

QueenDramaLlama · 09/03/2018 23:30

The emergency thing would be the other way round anyway. Adult looking after child, would need to be able to contact the child's parents in an emergency, not the other way round
No, there could be a family emergency that the parents may need their child home for....

ohnomoresnow · 09/03/2018 23:31

If they need the child home for a massive emergency (though fuck know what THAT could possibly be!) they can go to the house to get her. Presumably they know where the child is?!

arethereanyleftatall · 09/03/2018 23:34

Drama llama - what emergency at home would require you to wake a 9yr old asleep safe in another house up for?

Original poster
lunakitty2609 · 09/03/2018 23:34

ohnomoresnow
Yes, I know where she is, I dropped her off there at 5pm.
I just worry because I'm not going to see her until 5pm tomorrow as they are driving to Crealy for the friends birthday.

OP posts:
NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 09/03/2018 23:34

I think it depends very much on the child and the mother. The age is irrelevant. DS had had more sleepovers that I could remember by the time he was 9 and we had hosted a similar number of kids. The vast majority of them didn’t get upset in the night and their mums didn’t even ring, once we had a child-mum combo where both were checking on each other the whole night and there was one I would never invite again because the child was fine but the mum was beside herself.

One thing I have understood with so many sleepovers is how many people have set the phone to go automatically silent between x and y time at night. So I have had the case when we needed to ring a mum and she didn’t pick up the phone until the morning as she had forgotten to cancel the setting. It may be, Op, that the woman that has your child is sleeping or reading in her bed without realising you are trying to contact her. If there is something wrong, they will call you.

PinkAvocado · 09/03/2018 23:34

She should have responded. 7 times would be excessive if she answered each time and you were wanting twenty minute updates but to not respond to any calls or a text would bother me too.

MagnaWiles · 09/03/2018 23:42

FWIW I'd be worried too. If it was a child's first sleepover I'd also always text the parents to let them know how it had gone and if the child was safely asleep etc.

Hateloggingin · 09/03/2018 23:44

She should have responded.

Maybe I’m weird but my dd likes me to phone her to say good night when she’s on a sleepover too.

Puffycat · 09/03/2018 23:45

I totally agree with you, but I’m sure all is fine. I worry, and I think it’s shite to offer platitudes. Best thing you can do is snuggle into bed, you’ll get your hands on DD tomorrow and she’s probably had a great time.

ohnomoresnow · 09/03/2018 23:45

I am sure you will hear something in the morning OP.

Don't worry...

IamPickleRick · 09/03/2018 23:48

Yanbu.

She doesn’t know why you are calling, it could be that you need her back because of an emergency, that you’ve forgotten to pack something, that you won’t be there in the morning to collect because of change of plans, anything.

And if she’d answered the first, maybe second or third calls, you wouldn’t have phoned 7 times. The fact she’s ignoring you is making you stress. She’s being inconsiderate.

CadyHeron · 09/03/2018 23:52

It's her first night away, I get you with the anxious thing. I'm the same.
It wouldn't have killed her to send a quick message back - "all is good,watching a film and having fun" or whatever. Just to put your mind at rest. Basic niceness.
7 times ringing though? That's a bit excessive, she'll think you're overreacting and be ignoring you.

AcrossthePond55 · 09/03/2018 23:54

You were calling every 13 minutes over a 90 minute period! That is a bit much.

Mine were doing sleepovers from around aged 7 or 8. And this was well before cell phones/texts were even thought of. We dropped them off with a "Hey, sure everything will be fine, but don't be afraid to call us any time if needs or wants to come home" when they were young. Other than that, we didn't expect 'status' or 'good night' phone calls.

gingergenius · 09/03/2018 23:55

Op. This is more about your own separation anxiety than it is about your anxiety about your DD.

I wonder if you're projecting your own fears and insecurities on to this scenario rather than taking a rational look at the scenario.

And I say that a a single mother of three, the eldest (16) of whom is autistic. He also struggles with adhd and did not comfortably sleep away from home until he was 11/12. If you don't feel your child is ready for a sleepover, that's fine, and there is definitely a crossover in terms of comfort for kids (ie they think they want to do something and then don't and we have to suck it up as parents ).

I've had many occasions where I've collected one of my children from a sleepover, who has decided they're not quite ready, after declaring it was what they wanted, and that's part of growing up. Now they still love home but also love sleepovers because they know it's not scary.

so there are two scenarios here: either you're worried about your child not enjoying themselves because of your own worried projections or you're worried the parent is will fully ignoring your concerns?

Only you know which is the case.

childmindingmumof3 · 09/03/2018 23:55

she'll think you're overreacting and be ignoring you.
She's an adult and a parent so I think (hope!) we can assume she isn't doing that!

KeepServingTheDrinks · 09/03/2018 23:59

I think that families are different. My DD was regularly sleeping over at her GPs by the time she was one. She did sleepovers with cousins and then friends quite early. So by 9, sleepovers were a very regular thing.
Also, in my DD's school, the first overnight residential was in Yr 2. So age 7 - 8 they were away for 2 days/1 night.

Other families aren't the same. OF COURSE the first night(s) your child isn't under your roof is a tense one for you. OF COURSE you're worried and you want to know they're ok.

But it isn't about you. And you have to trust that if anything happened, you'd be contacted. And you need to let them get on with it and (hopefully) enjoy it.

Swishswish26 · 10/03/2018 00:00

My DS is 10 and I have two of his friends here tonight on a sleepover. I texted their parents after school to say they got here fine etc and again around 8ish to say what they were doing. I expect/like to receive the same when my son stays over elsewhere as gives me peace of mind.
OP I’m sure everything is fine but I would feel the same as you if I was in your position x

RubyFlint · 10/03/2018 00:03

I don't think 9 is old for a first sleepover.

And what if OP wanted to reach the parents because there was an emergency at home. It's not great that they're not picking up.

greenlanes · 10/03/2018 00:03

My DS, age 12 has never done a sleep over nor had,one at home. It is a really odd idea for primary school age children . I would be furious if a family who were hosting didn't respond to the first casual text just to see if everything was ok. It is shocking. They are responsible for your child, yet aren't responding on mobile? Just awful behaviour. Hope everything is ok.

CadyHeron · 10/03/2018 00:03

She's an adult and a parent so I think (hope!) we can assume she isn't doing that!

Well,I don't know, I mean she ignored the text message and all the phone calls, so sounds like she is ignoring to me. As you say though, she's a grown adult so you'd think and hope she wasn't being so childish!
Not everyone wants to use the phone, I get that. A text takes seconds though and she should have answered.

SciFiRocker · 10/03/2018 00:10

Cavendar - I wouldn't want my child going to someone's house that was that inconsiderate / rude / ignorant tbh so that would be a relief.

Texting a 'reassurance' message to the parents is just basic common sense, especially at a young age and on a first ever sleepover!

ineedaholidaynow · 10/03/2018 00:34

greenlanes has your DC done school residentials, scout camps etc?

DS was never interested in sleepovers when he was younger, and as family were too far away he had never slept at GPs without us.

However, before he went on his first cub camp, so about 8, we thought it best to do a sleepover, so we had reciprocal arrangement with a fellow cub, who was also a good friend.

At Primary age I would usually send a text/message to say all was well at some point during the sleepover.

For anxious parents the first sleepover is hard, but continually phoning is OTT. Maybe next time arrange with the other parents a phone call/text just to put your mind at rest.

When children are at cub camp, residentials there is usually no contact allowed from parents. Although sometimes parents will receive group message from school etc to say all arrived safely, had a good day.

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