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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD friend's mum not picking up the phone..

621 replies

lunakitty2609 · 09/03/2018 22:25

So my Dd (9) is staying the night at her friend's house for the first time. The parents of the friend know this is her first time away. I tried texting friends mum at 8.30pm to make sure dd was okay, no reply. I have since tried phoning 7 times in 20-minute intervals, still nothing... Who does that? AIBU??

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 13/03/2018 14:29

that stranger is uncontactable

If I trust someone to have my child then I dont need to conatct them continuously to make sure they are ok.

GnotherGnu · 13/03/2018 19:41

People who feel they have to be able to phone to check up on their children every time they're out of the house: how does that go down with school?

mathanxiety · 13/03/2018 19:54

If you feel the hostess of a sleepover is that much of a stranger you really should say no to the sleepover invitation.

Who sends a child off with a stranger for the night?

Maybe when people get all twitchy at 8.30 pm they should think back to the point where they made the decision to say yes to the sleepover? Were they talking to a perfectly nice woman at the time? A woman whose child's behaviour qualifies them for friendship with their child? A woman who has never made them think 'now THAT'S a weirdo'?

KERALA1 · 13/03/2018 20:04

Exactly math.

My mother (normally very relaxed) got a bad feeling about a play date, not even a sleep over. She didn't ring but went to the house - the marriage had recently broken up, the mother suddenly got into hard drugs and she had left my sister and her own dd and an even younger sister totally alone. They were "helping" by doing ironing Shock! And this was a "nice" middle class family in a pretty village. The kids were eventually taken into care. If you have your suspicions you act on them, not fanny about trying to text. Or not agree to the sleepover in the first place.

TheMythicalChicken · 13/03/2018 22:14

bastardkitty, that's because on Mumsnet, if you display any concern at all for your child's welfare beyond that which the poster would themselves, you must be mentally ill.

PinkCrystal · 14/03/2018 00:04

Yanbu I always ask kids staying over if they want to ring their parents or text them goodnight. I would always reassure any if it was first time. My girls did sleepovers from about 7 but my boys were more like 10. Different kids ready different times.

mathanxiety · 14/03/2018 03:25

If you have a genuine concern for the child's welfare, don't send them on the sleepover with that particular family, TheMythicalChicken.

If you won't send your child on any sleepover because you hold a belief about all other people that is not borne out by facts, then it might be a good thing for your children if you were to address the problem you have.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 14/03/2018 03:53

TheMythicalChicken you are making huge assumptions about other people.

My phone is on vibrate only permanently. I have to have it like hat for work, and as we have no mobile reception at home it stays like that. I do check it in the evenings for Whatsapp messages but not always.

My dc are now grown up so when they were little there weren't smart phones, and although there were mobiles there wasn't the widespread usage there is now. I cared about my children but didn't feel the need to phone the parents of their friends when they went there gor sleepovera.

I think you are displaying a level of anxiety above what is normal.

treaclesoda · 14/03/2018 04:01

bastardkitty, that's because on Mumsnet, if you display any concern at all for your child's welfare beyond that which the poster would themselves, you must be mentally ill.

You could just as easily point out that on mumsnet if you display any less concern than another poster you are quickly labelled neglectful. And subject to snide comments implying that you clearly don't love your children as much as you should.

In fact in this case, it's not even about being less concerned. It's about dealing with your concerns on your own without putting the onus for dealing with them onto someone else who has no idea what you are expecting of them.

Lizzie48 · 14/03/2018 06:44

bastardkitty, that's because on Mumsnet, if you display any concern at all for your child's welfare beyond that which the poster would themselves, you must be mentally ill.

That's not true. But the OP's anxiety was disproportionate to the situation. Other posters are not less concerned for their children because they don't get into a lather about not being able to speak to them on the phone during a sleepover.

BertrandRussell · 14/03/2018 06:44

“bastardkitty, that's because on Mumsnet, if you display any concern at all for your child's welfare beyond that which the poster would themselves, you must be mentally ill.”

Actually, on Mumsnet if you don’t think a child should be constantly supervised by a parent, preferably a mother, then you should be reported to social services. Or at the very least logged by ringing 101!

TheMythicalChicken · 14/03/2018 07:50

TheMythicalChicken you are making huge assumptions about other people.

Maybe. I don't live in the UK, so maybe we just do things differently here. Thinking back a few years, my DH did not answer his phone for 3 hours and his boss thought he had been kidnapped.

On reflection, I wonder if it's a middle-aged, Middle England thing, this switching your phone off or on silent. I can only talk about how I would react if someone with care of my child did not answer the phone as in my world it would be unusual.

TheMythicalChicken · 14/03/2018 07:51

Actually, on Mumsnet if you don’t think a child should be constantly supervised by a parent, preferably a mother, then you should be reported to social services. Or at the very least logged by ringing 101!

Unless it's outside of the house, when it is completely fine apparently to let your child roam free from a young age and - again - if you don't do so you are 'mentally ill'.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 14/03/2018 07:56

No that's not what this is about TheMythicalChicken. Leaving your child with someone you feel comfortable with and that you trust ( because let's face it nobody is going to leave their dc with someone they don't trust ) should be enough to reassure you that unless you hear from them for whatever reason it's ok to assume all is well.

There's no reason to worry about them just because they're out of your sight, doing so means you do have anxiety issues which need addressing.

GnotherGnu · 14/03/2018 08:00

I can only talk about how I would react if someone with care of my child did not answer the phone as in my world it would be unusual.

So how does that work with schools? Presumably you manage to cope with the fact that your children's teachers don't answer their phones?

TheMythicalChicken · 14/03/2018 08:07

So how does that work with schools? Presumably you manage to cope with the fact that your children's teachers don't answer their phones?

We're not talking about school though, are we? We are talking about a situation where the child is under the care of 1 adult and that adult is non-contactable.

I have never called a parent whilst my DS was at a sleepover, just in case you were wondering. However, if I did, just say I had forgotten to give instructions on my DS's anti-epilepsy medication for instance, I would be concerned if I couldn't get through.

TheMythicalChicken · 14/03/2018 08:07

And a question for those of you who switch off/have your mobiles on silent... do you also do the same with your landline? If not, then why not?

EmmaGrundyForPM · 14/03/2018 08:15

I've already explained that. I have to have my phone on silent for work, and as I don't get any reception at home I don't usually bother to switch to unmute.
Hardly anyone phones me on my mobile - I've just looked at my phone log and my husband phoned 8 days ago, my dad phoned 2 weeks ago and my gym.also phoned 2 weeks ago to let me know my class was cancelled. It really wouldn't occur to me to check my mobile in case someone rang it as no one ever does.

LimonViola · 14/03/2018 08:18

I don't have a landline. I don't know anyone who does except for my nearly seventy year old father.

TheMythicalChicken · 14/03/2018 08:22

Me too, LimonViola. The only people I know with a landline are my in-laws who are in their 80s Grin.

Lizzie48 · 14/03/2018 08:28

A lot of people have landlines actually, @LimonViola we do and we're not anywhere near in our 70s. I didn't realise so many people didn't until I came on Mumsnet.

Might be worth not having one, as at least I wouldn't have to cope with MIL calling over and over until we call her back. Grin

treaclesoda · 14/03/2018 09:10

I have a landline because I don't have reliable mobile reception. If I don't respond to my mobile it's not because I'm ignoring people, it's because the call is not actually getting through.

People are free to ring on my landline I'd they choose.

(However, on a lot of threads on mumsnet people say they don't ever answer their phone because it's a gross invasion of their privacy to ring them. )

Rawhh · 14/03/2018 09:23

Massive over reaction and I'm surprised by the people who give sleepover updates. I was regularly sleeping over at friends from about 6 years old. In the days before mobiles I can remember the 1 time my mum rang to check on me and that was because I had been upset in the morning about something.

dustyparadeground · 14/03/2018 09:33

Lol enjoyed that one - with us it's my FIL (control freak) who once tried 7 times in 30 mins. And never leaves a message, then it's my poor missus who gets it in the neck. Once tried explaining how pointless and annoying this habit was - wrong move! Essentially when HRH calls we must be available to answer!

Motoko · 14/03/2018 09:36

Everyone I know has a landline, and we all tend to ring on the landline first, only ringing the mobile if there's no answer on the home phone.

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