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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD friend's mum not picking up the phone..

621 replies

lunakitty2609 · 09/03/2018 22:25

So my Dd (9) is staying the night at her friend's house for the first time. The parents of the friend know this is her first time away. I tried texting friends mum at 8.30pm to make sure dd was okay, no reply. I have since tried phoning 7 times in 20-minute intervals, still nothing... Who does that? AIBU??

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 09/03/2018 22:57

Whenever I have others for sleepovers or mine at theirs, they normally send one text at some point in the evening, and maybe another once asleep.
Yabu I'm afraid. That's way ott. And what's the point of phoning more than once? She's probably not got her phone near as she'd text as soon as you left the first message.
9 years is late for a first sleepover around my way. 6 or 7 is fairly standard for first one.

Eltonjohnssyrup · 09/03/2018 22:57

*they’ll understand

MidniteScribbler · 09/03/2018 22:57

Don't kids in the UK go on camp by that age? Our school camps start at around 8-9, and parents cant keep ringing the teachers all night to be checking on their child.

QueenDramaLlama · 09/03/2018 22:58

YANBU.
You sent a 'how is she?' text - perfectly normal.
No reply and you worried. They should be contactable, what if you needed to collect DD due to an emergency? It's not on.

HaudYerWheeshtBawbag · 09/03/2018 22:58

If there was an issue she would call you, I’d be very surprised if your dd got invited to a sleep over again, 7 times is silly excessive

SpiceRack · 09/03/2018 22:59

YANBU, it's your daughters first sleepover and you want to know she's okay, I completely understand that. However PP are right her phone may just be at the bottom of a bag or it's on silent, she would ring you if there was an emergency!

Curtainshopping · 09/03/2018 22:59

You don’t need to give constant updates but you need to be contactable if you have someone else’s child. Some parents are anxious and you need to be mindful of that, even if you’re not. So she is out of order as far as I’m concerned.

SciFiRocker · 09/03/2018 23:00

You don't need a running commentary, just a quick text to say yes they've got on well and had fun, they had pizza for dinner and they're in bed but chatting.
It's reassurance - especially for an anxious mum who's kid is out overnight for the first time with people she probably doesn't know very well!

k2p2k2tog · 09/03/2018 23:01

My DD is 12 and in the past 4 or 5 years we've had dozens of sleepovers with probably about 15 different girls. I always make sure I have a parent's mobile and will say something like "i'll text you if there's a problem". No problem, no text. I have never, ever had a parent repeatedly texting me to check everything is OK. That is just weird.

One of DD's friends is autistic and the first couple of times she stayed I did text her mum before bed - once - to let her know everything was fine and that the kids were sleeping.

I never text when DD is at other houses either.

Puffycat · 09/03/2018 23:02

Just to clarify, concerned about the mum not DD, I’m sure she’s fine. I’ve just lent you the most important thing in my whole life and you can’t even pick up your effing phone to let me know she’s ok, slack lady! Is my baby ok? You, selfish, thoughtless.........

childmindingmumof3 · 09/03/2018 23:03

Presumably you don't have anyone texting repeatedly because if they text/call once you'd reply?

honeyroar · 09/03/2018 23:04

If they'd replied to her text with a simple "everything's fine, they're having a great time" or something, I'm sure the op wouldn't have bothered them for the rest of the night.

k2p2k2tog · 09/03/2018 23:07

Puffy - why would you think a child wouldn't be ok? Being OK is the default, and if for whatever reason the child wasn't OK, the other parent would have been in touch.

Childminding - phrased that badly. I don't get any texts from other parents when i have a child for a sleepover. Not until the next morning when I get a text saying "Hope they behaved, what time do you want me to pick her up?" I have never, ever had a call from a parent checking up. Or wanting to speak to their child to say goodnight.

Fattymcfaterson · 09/03/2018 23:07

"obviously she would call you if somethings wrong"

Thats not obvious at all. Especially since the woman doesn't seem to have looked at her phone for the last 4 hours, or been bothered to just text a quick update to OP.
YANBU
Especially as this is a first sleepover. I wouldn't be letting my kid go again.

Pinkponiesrock · 09/03/2018 23:07

My DD is on her first sleepover tonight, she’s 5. I am very good friends with her mum and the girls are best friends.

I’ve had a couple of pictures and a few updates tonight. Sometimes I do the same for my older 2 when they have friends over but sometimes there’s nothing until the next morning to let them know when to pick up/drop off.

My eldest was off on cub camps by 9 where you can’t get hold of them at all for a whole weekend.

Cavender · 09/03/2018 23:08

I would have rang and rang until she answered and if she still didn't answer then gone round there and refused dd to stay there again!

Pretty sure if you did that SciFi you wouldn’t have to worry about future invitations.

We have sleepovers regularly I do tend to send a text if the parents seem anxious or if it’s their first time away overnight.

However if I was away from my phone, dealing with the kids or getting organised for the next day I’d be pretty Confused to see seven missed calls.

Next time ask the parent to send you an update at bedtime.

I’m sure your DD is having a whale of a time. If there was a problem you’d have heard very quickly.

k2p2k2tog · 09/03/2018 23:10

If there was a problem you’d have heard very quickly.

DD still talks about the time one of her friends binged on sweets she's sneaked into the room and ended up vomiting copiously at midnight.

Her mum certainly heard about that pretty quickly...

Alexkate2468 · 09/03/2018 23:11

Op youre not crazy at all. I'm not sure sooner people commenting on this are actually parents. I was anxious the first time my DD went for a playdate after school without me and I remember the relief when the mum sent a text to say the kids were having fun and she's drop DD back off after food.

From then on when DD has friends over, I've text to say all is well.

I'd be anxious too OP but if you think logically it is most likely to be all fine. I would be a bit annoyed at v the fact that you haven't been able to contact them - what if there actually HAD been an emergency and you needed to get in touch??

Try not to worry.

QueenDramaLlama · 09/03/2018 23:12

I have never, ever had a parent repeatedly texting me to check everything is OK. That is just weird
There would be no need to do it repeatedly if the first one was replied to.

parkermoppy · 09/03/2018 23:12

I don't think you're crazy for checking, but maybe 7 times in 20 minutes is a little crazy. Most people have their phones on silent, so 20 minutes isn't all that long to not have responded!

sylvestersgallstone · 09/03/2018 23:13

i'm with you OP. She should have responded

Curtainshopping · 09/03/2018 23:14

I don’t text when my kids are on sleepovers but if someone texted or called when I had theirs, I’d make sure I responded. Maybe not in that second if you’re busy but definitely within two hours!

Puffycat · 09/03/2018 23:14

I know what you’re saying but I just feel for “us worriers” when it’s your first you need that reassurance

arethereanyleftatall · 09/03/2018 23:17

I think for people who aren't anxious it's difficult to understand/empathise what anxious people will be worried about iyswim.

So, it's Friday night, few glasses of wine and a movie maybe, phone charging in another room, children fine and giggling away in their room; since everything's fine, it wouldn't occur to them to have their phone to hand.

The emergency thing would be the other way round anyway. Adult looking after child, would need to be able to contact the child's parents in an emergency, not the other way round.

ohnomoresnow · 09/03/2018 23:17

I can understand why you’ve done it. It’s your child’s first sleep over, and you’re a bit anxious. She didn’t respond to the text, so you e slipped (slightly) into crazy mode. I don’t blame you. As the adult in charge, she should be contactable, in case there is an emergency. And should have at some point checked her phone. I don’t find that acceptable, even if you’ve gone a bit OTT. Hopefully she texts you in the morning.

This.

9 is NOT old for a first sleepover. Any younger than that is too young to be staying with people not known to you IMO.

You are right OP that the mother in question should be contactable.

I think they may all be in bed though, and you would have heard if anything has been wrong.

I gather your daughter does not have a mobile phone then? So she is not contactable for a quick text?

No news is good news. I am sure she's OK.