AIBU to think MIL brought this on herself...?

[thedishwasherdoesntemptyitself]

Mother's Day coming up. MIL will get nothing from DH and (unless she buys it herself which she has been known to do) no card from DH's sister.

MIL has always bought gifts to send to others from her children and, here's where she went wrong IMO, continued to do this when they were adults. When I met DH she was still buying Christmas presents for various aunts and uncles and pretending they were from DH and SIL.

I spoke to DH about this (once we were an established couple and I knew his relatives) and said that I didn't want her sending gifts from me as I could buy my own. DH spoke to MIL, she stopped sending them from DH and I but continued sending them from SIL.

And so we bought our own presents. DH actually began to enjoy it ("oooh Auntie Margaret would like this..." etc.) but, as I learned later, FIL had always bought the Mother's Day cards (under orders from MIL) and because I don't buy Mother or Father's Day cards (my parents are dead, too painful to even look) they don't get anything. DH knows it's Mother's Day, he takes DD out to get me something, but he wouldn't think to get a card for his own mother.

MIL complains to me. I tell her to complain to her adult children. She told me she had bought a card and got SIL (lives near her, we don't) to write in it. I think she expected sympathy but I think she is just compounding the problem.

I think she brought it on herself, do you?

Perhaps I ought to ring her hen and ask her to tell DH whether she wants a MD card?

It's all a bit odd though, you would think she would tell him herself. He's in his late 40s and she's never mentioned it to him.

*then

She’s not spoken about it to her son because he is a self centred fucker and she hoped you’d be able to get through to him.

Again. You’ve told him she wants one. He doesn’t give a shit/thinks you’re lying.

That’s it.

She doesn't need to know who bought the card. Buy it, stick it under your DH's nose and say sign. Job done. MIL feels loved and your DH can carry on being inconsiderate!

I spoke to DH about this (once we were an established couple and I knew his relatives) and said that I didn't want her sending gifts from me as I could buy my own. DH spoke to MIL, she stopped sending them from DH and I

And NO! I am not turning into MIL and buying a card from him

So it is ok for you to take over buying gifts from your DH and yourself.
Contradiction?

Your DH sounds like a selfish thoughless jerk.
You sound ridiculously immature (not principled) for not making sure that the woman has a bloody card ALONG with one from your daughter to her grandmother, as you KNOW how much it would mean to her.
You and your DH deserve each other. You clearly haven't posted for anything other than affirmation that you are right. You are not!

I don't want to buy one. I will ring her and tell her to tell her children if she wants them to buy one.

Can you just show him this thread where a 100 women actively telling him to get off his insensitive ass and buy his mum a card.

I can see this women in 10 years sitting in a care home and your DH saying to you ''we dont need to visit mum never asks me too''

Thebirthdayparty DH and I buy gifts together. Before we were married I bought his family gifts from myself.

I don't want to buy one. I will ring her and tell her to tell her children if she wants them to buy one.

Don't do that. You will basically be telling her that her children don't give a shit about her ffs.

DalekDalekDalek Then there is nothing I can do. I am not going to start sending out pretend cards.

My MIL was a very hard woman to get along with and never really made an effort to get in with me, no she would never be my DM but every MD she'd get flowers and a card, many cards now say special person on MD maybe you could push the boat out and buy her one each if you are so against signing a MD card with mum on it??

Then take your husband to a supermarket tomorrow. Tell him his mother wants a card. Make sure he buys one.

Plenty of people buy cards on behalf of their partner. It isn't unusual. All he needs to do is sign it and it will be from him.

I can't imagine treating my mum so badly.

I know my MIL enough. We’re not similar at all and I can count on one hand the amount of times they’ve ever visited us, but like you, I know her well enough to know she’d like a card.

There comes a point in life, extreme cases aside, when you have to stop blaming your parents for your shortcomings. Unless your husband parents your daughter in exactly the same way your MIL parents him, then I'm guessing he's realised that he has the power to do things differently to her. That means that he could choose to give her a gift just to be nice, even if he does think that she's not bothered, to show that he is. Especially if he knows that she has always bought gifts for others, and particularly since you've told him that she'd appreciate one. Blaming her is a cop out unless he's making some degree of effort to be kind the rest of the year, but it sounds like you are both happy to let her go without on the basis that you have a convenient excuse to 'justify' it to yourselves.

If DH doesn't want to send a card I am not going to bully him into doing so.

I am not going to try and second guess MIL any longer either.

If she wants a card she should speak to her family. They are all adults. I'm the newcomer and I've decided I'm not going to be used to pass on indirect messages (indeed, if it was a message, who knows).

I have no idea how upset she was.

or if she was upset at all.

I have no idea why you are even bothering about this situation. You are clear that you are not responsible for your dh's family cards etc so why on earth are you asking whether MIL brought "this" on herself? what is "this" ? The only person who seems concerned or bothered is you.

Well, let's hope your DD doesn't take after either of her parents then. Otherwise you are going to be very upset in a few years.

You've had lots of good advice here op. I'll just add the pain you feel for the loss of your parents is probably shared by your mil. She has recently lost her husband and has two adult children who can't be bothered.

I've decided I'm not going to be used to pass on indirect messages (indeed, if it was a message, who knows).

The only person who thought it was a message - important enough to post on MN - was you. Everyone else seems just perfectly fine about it all.

I mean this kindly, but do you think the loss of your own parents is making you look on this perfectly normal situation - no one in a family gives much of a fuck about mother's day - differently?

pallisers Because she complained to me (if the whole "I had to buy a card from SIL" thing was a complaint, perhaps it wasn't, I don't know) last year and I wondered whether she would do it again this year.

pallisers Well if it wasn't an indirect message, that changes everything. I will not say anything else to DH and just keep out of their communication.

Thanks all.

I think pallisers is right, it probably wasn't a message. I just read more into it. MIL has always bought cards for others to sign. I just think it is odd.

Crikey. You sound like you're sneering and revelling in this woman's misery. Her husband is dead. Her kids don't give a shit and her DIL is starting a thread about how 'she brought it all on herself, don't you know'. Just awful.

Another pointless thread.

OP: AIBU?
Everyone: Yes.
OP (4hrs later): Well I'm not doing anything about it anyway.

DalekDalekDalek Gosh I was going to do something. I was going to ring her and you said not to!

I'm not going to do anything now though, no. I think previous posters are right. There was no message, it was just a passing comment that I read too much into.

So no, MIL didn't bring anything on herself because here was nothing to bring. She buys cards from other people, that is just what she does. If she minded that much about not getting a card she would ask like a normal person.