AIBU to think MIL brought this on herself...?

[thedishwasherdoesntemptyitself]

Mother's Day coming up. MIL will get nothing from DH and (unless she buys it herself which she has been known to do) no card from DH's sister.

MIL has always bought gifts to send to others from her children and, here's where she went wrong IMO, continued to do this when they were adults. When I met DH she was still buying Christmas presents for various aunts and uncles and pretending they were from DH and SIL.

I spoke to DH about this (once we were an established couple and I knew his relatives) and said that I didn't want her sending gifts from me as I could buy my own. DH spoke to MIL, she stopped sending them from DH and I but continued sending them from SIL.

And so we bought our own presents. DH actually began to enjoy it ("oooh Auntie Margaret would like this..." etc.) but, as I learned later, FIL had always bought the Mother's Day cards (under orders from MIL) and because I don't buy Mother or Father's Day cards (my parents are dead, too painful to even look) they don't get anything. DH knows it's Mother's Day, he takes DD out to get me something, but he wouldn't think to get a card for his own mother.

MIL complains to me. I tell her to complain to her adult children. She told me she had bought a card and got SIL (lives near her, we don't) to write in it. I think she expected sympathy but I think she is just compounding the problem.

I think she brought it on herself, do you?

OP - This isn't possible or sensible BUT:
If you could put MiL's details up on here dozens of us would send her cards because she's a mum and would like to feel appreciated and remembered. Some without mothers would do it in memory of our own mothers. Most would just do it because we'd want her to know someone cares whether she gets a card. You don't.
I hope you'll find it in your heart tomorrow to get your husband to buy a card, write it and post it with your daughter, perhaps, sending her grandmother greetings too.Yes, it will arrive late, on Monday, but what a surprise for the poor woman.
You call yourself a newcomer but must have been in the family, her family, a few years, do something nice for the woman who brought up your husband.

'Ask like a normal person'???
I've never asked for Birthday or Christmas cards but am fortunate enough to get some. I thought that was, for all but the loneliest, 'normal'. Oh dear.

A normal person doesn't ask their own (adult) children to buy them a mother's day card. They don't have to. Most adults are able to work this out for themselves.

The fact that you don't buy cards because your own parents are dead is irrelevant. So are mine but I think it's lovely that my DH is still able to and does do cards and gifts for my MIL who is very much alive. You sound really selfish sorry.

MIL has never had a card from her adult children all their lives so how else is she suddenly going to get one if she doesn't tell them?

I used to purposefully ignore MD and FD until I had DD. It did not occur to me until then to ask DH whether or why he didn't send a card. It was just not a day on our calendar until then. When I did ask him, he said they never did MD but he thought FIL sent a card.

If it wasn't a cryptic message to me to pass on to DH (and it certainly wasn't to pass on to SIL, I've met her twice, don't even have any details) and I now believe it wasn't, then nothing will ever change.

I'm not going to interfere with their family dynamic. I don't understand it.

Do what you like op. How sad that your husband thinks so little of both your opinion and his mother's feelings.

We're clearly not going to change your mind. Just remember this if your daughter ever breaks your heart.

Gosh you and your husband are horrible to your MIL. Please show him this thread. I don’t hold out much hope but maybe he will get it after reading what all the pp had to say.

A little kindness goes a long way you know. Hopefully you won’t one day be widowed with dc who don’t give a shit but I think that’s what it would take for you to understand.

DalekDalekDalek You can't change my mind about what? I said I would ring her, you said don't. I changed my mind and said I wouldn't. People said it wasn't a message, I thought it was. I changed my mind and decided it wasn't.

Lorraine265 I have been widowed. What's that got to do with anything?

What I'm struggling to understand is that you say your FIL used to do the cards for your MIL for Mother's Day. So year in, year out cards went up in their house for Mother's Day and yet your DH is insistent that his mum doesn't do Mother's Day. Yes, it sounds like poor communication within their family, it sounds frankly bizarre that one parent could be buying a card for the other parent 'from the kids' and those kids have literally no awareness of that happening throughout the entirety of their childhoods, when presumably they lived together, saw the cards etc. It sounds like better communication would have helped. However, your DH now knows his Dad used to send a Mother's Day card to his Mum, on his behalf, and he also knows his Dad is no longer around to do this. It is not a massive leap for him to consider now taking on that responsibility for himself.

I agree you shouldn't have to pass messages on, but there was never a message to pass. Your DH could have been sending these cards all these years just because it is a nice thing to do. He could certainly step up now and start doing it, because it is a nice thing to do. He really shouldn't need to be asked, told, reminded, cajoled by his mum, you or anyone else.

I agree it's not your responsibility to send a card from him. However, your MIL is your daughter's granny so I would see it as your shared responsibility to support your daughter in whatever she might want to do for her granny for Mother's Day. In other words, either you, your husband, or both of you could ask your daughter if she would like to make a card for granny and either you, your husband, or both of you then help her do that if she wants to.

There you go op. A reply from guinnessguzzler that should help you understand. Though I very much doubt you will.

Because YOU don’t have a mother, you refuse to get MIL a card? What the hell is wrong with you?! My DF is dead. I miss him more than I can say. I don’t begrudge FIL a Father’s Day card because of it. FIL happens to have the same birthday as my DF. I don’t refuse to send him a birthday card.

Why? Because I’m not petty and spiteful, and if I behaved the way you are, I know my father would have been ashamed of me. Do you think your mother would have been pleased you are choosing to behave this way towards your MIL? Of course she wouldn’t. Just get the woman a fucking card!

I do understand. I am not going to send a mother's day card to someone who is not my mother. DH is his own person, it is up to him.

There was never a message to pass.
I passed one on anyway thinking there was.

DH is actually doing what his dad did - sending a card from DD - except he takes her out to choose it, not just get it and give it.

I think MIL and FIL had this stuff sorted out between them and now that FIL has gone some of it no longer gets done.

You need to talk to DH if you think he should send a card. Good luck with that. I tried it. He doesn't think there was a message. He told me that a year ago.

FenellaMaxwellsPony I don't think she expects a card from me.

I'm genuinely interested in your reason for starting the thread OP?

I'm sorry but you and your husband are both either stupid or selfish. We've tried to help you but you must be too thick to listen to everyone on here's advice. What the hell was the point of starting this thread? All you have done is make people feel sad for your MIL. Unfortunately, you are unable to feel the same compassion as we are all feeling.

Thebirthdayparty Because if MIL says something again this year I was going to say to her that I think DH and SIL don't send cards because someone has always done it for them. Because that is what I think.

She expects a card, full stop. If your DH cannot see his way to buying one because he’s a thoughtless twat, then you should buy one, not because you are turning into MIL, but because that’s what a kind person would do.

I think your FIL spent years giving your MIL cards waiting for their children to figure out that they were supposed to take over doing it. Most children start doing this during primary school. They must have been banging their heads against a wall wondering when your DH and SIL would start behaving like adults.

Well you made up your mind before you posted it and your mind is closed to any alternatives.

Neither of you will encourage your daughter to send a card to her grandmother either.

It seems to me that you and your DH are well suited.

DalekDalekDalek Maybe. It's odd that they didn't take them out to choose them though.

Thebirthdayparty I didn't post asking whether I should send a card. I was never going to send a card.