AIBU to think MIL brought this on herself...?

[thedishwasherdoesntemptyitself]

Mother's Day coming up. MIL will get nothing from DH and (unless she buys it herself which she has been known to do) no card from DH's sister.

MIL has always bought gifts to send to others from her children and, here's where she went wrong IMO, continued to do this when they were adults. When I met DH she was still buying Christmas presents for various aunts and uncles and pretending they were from DH and SIL.

I spoke to DH about this (once we were an established couple and I knew his relatives) and said that I didn't want her sending gifts from me as I could buy my own. DH spoke to MIL, she stopped sending them from DH and I but continued sending them from SIL.

And so we bought our own presents. DH actually began to enjoy it ("oooh Auntie Margaret would like this..." etc.) but, as I learned later, FIL had always bought the Mother's Day cards (under orders from MIL) and because I don't buy Mother or Father's Day cards (my parents are dead, too painful to even look) they don't get anything. DH knows it's Mother's Day, he takes DD out to get me something, but he wouldn't think to get a card for his own mother.

MIL complains to me. I tell her to complain to her adult children. She told me she had bought a card and got SIL (lives near her, we don't) to write in it. I think she expected sympathy but I think she is just compounding the problem.

I think she brought it on herself, do you?

Lollipop30 Do you know your MIL well? Apart from the fact I don't want to go and look at MD cards, I don't know her very well at all.

Hang on - Is this the first Mother's Day since your MIL's DH has died?

TELL your DH to grow up, have some compassion and to give a damn about his mother enough to buy her a Mother's Day card!

SciFiRocker 2nd

Poor woman. She is probably lonely and sad and thinks her kids don't care.

She was trying to do a thoughtful thing by sending gifts from her kids. She's not brought it on herself.

Just explain to your DH what's happened in the past and that it's now up to him & his Mum will be hurt if he doesn't.

I HATE mother's day. I think it's commercial and rubbish. I tell DD not to do anything or get me anything on that day. I tell her to appreciate me on any other day and that I'll love that.

My mum is the same, so I don't do anything for her.

When I got married, I never thought about it for my MIL because it isn't a big deal in my family.

When she got nothing, my MIL was upset. So after that, every year I made sure he sent her flowers. And we did that every year until she died.

for you, OP, for not having a mum yourself.

But you've married into this family, and your MIL clearly cares. So I would say that you need to care on her behalf. And for that you are BU. You don't need to do the buying/writing/sending, but you could (and I would say - should) oversee that it is done.

This is what families are.

Christmas gifts get given to grandparents from our kids with their names on, but we chose the gifts - granted they are under 5 but I think your MIL just never stopped.
It's nothing malicious.

My dh never got his mum anything, i did, otherwise she'd have got nothing. i knew it was his place to do it but i didn't care. i wasn't going to see her hurt just because her son was thoughtless.

OP you keep saying you don't know your MIL but you know her well enough for her to complain to you about the lack of cards from your dh and sil so it's not as if she's a virtual stranger to you

SciFiRocker No I don't think it is malicious. I don't know why someone would do that but I don't think it is malicious.

So your hubby has the sense that u should have a card from your DD, but the woman who gave birth to him btw very easily forgets... and it still is her fault since she had been sending gifts on behalf of here kids.....sorry OP i think YABU.

I do feel a bit bad for her, but it's not down to you! I'm not close to my MIL (we live 900 miles apart for starters) but if she started messaging me, giving out because she'd received nothing for Mother's Day - I'd be shocked and understand her upset, but I would have to tell her "what can I do about it? Take it up with your son" I would however say to my DP that he should've at least sent the old boot a card! He's remembered to help our 2 year old "get mummy a present" so it's not hard for him to send something even if it's just a card to his own mother.. I'm not close to my own mum, but I'll be getting her a card and a small gift, it's just a nice thing to do

So if its the 2nd Mother's day after her husband died she raised it with you after her first.

That poor women was probably in bits last year without her husband and the frank realisation that her kids didnt care. That's horrible.

I really really want you husband to comment in here as to why he thinks this acceptable.

Ruffian She has never complained about a lack of card from DH. I thought that was what she was hinting at when she said that she had bought a card for SIL to sign. Actually, maybe she was hinting that I buy a card for DH to sign. I don't know.

LouHotel She should speak to her adult children then. I can't pass on a message I wasn't given. I have no idea how upset she was.

Well OP, as pinkavocado pointed out the thread hasn't moved on at all - it's unanimous that YABU to suggest your MIL is somehow responsible for the staggering thoughtlessness of your dh and sil.

What you choose to do about that is obviously up to you but I certainly agree with the poster upthread who observed that simple kindness is very underrated.

You sound totally devoid of emotion op

Ok you've said about a million times that your husband doesn't think his mother is bothered about a md card

The fact is she bloody well is!

Sit him down and spell it out for him

Tell him his dm has bought cards in the past because your husband and his sister are selfish fucks

What a horrible man. Poor woman 😕

What cost a card?. 99p from the card factory the woman has brought him up ffs the hurt from not receiving one is really not nice. It's a shame to see that MIL get such a bad rap on here. As we get older it's not the bunch of flowers mums remember it's those cards with the special words in or the little hand print pictures from the DGC imagine how you'd feel if you didn't get a Mother's Day card? Remind me again of MIL 'crime? Putting your names to gifts ? Maybe MIL appreciated that you both might be too busy with your dcs to remember to by a gift and didn't want it to appear that you didn't care enough to buy/send one personally...your DH seems cruel and you are going along with it.

You literally state in your first post that she complains to you, had you considered that it would actually be quite embarrassing to ask your kids directly to get you a card. It would be like reminding people to buy you a birthday present.

I'm fully onboard with the fact its not your job and my DH organises every lunch, gift with his parents. But you seem adament to justify your DH's behaviour by somehow placing the blame on his mum.

You have nothing to answer for but your DH is being cruel in his inaction.

How have you not realised that this would upset her. She bought herself a card from her own daughter. If she didn't care about cards why would she have done that?

She's been getting cards from her husband since her children were born. Her husband then dies and the next mother's day she get's no cards at all. So she buys one for her self from her daughter and "mentions" it to her daughter-in-law. How have you not figured out that she is desperate for a mother's day card?

Both of you are being unkind. You know she would like a card but still she doesn't get one because no one can be bothered.

My MIL died last year but yesterday my dh went out and bought, wrote and posted a card for my mother because I was unable to get out. He signed it from nokids and nokidsdh. The same way they are always signed regardless of which one of us buys cards, or to who's relatives they are going.

It's just a small kindness done, regardless of how you feel personally about it, to make someone happy.

OkPedro Yes, I think she is, that is why she told me about SIL's card though it's a roundabout way of going about it. Why not speak to her son? And her daughter for that matter?

I have spoken to DH, he says his mother doesn't do MD. I doin

Of course she hasn’t brought it on herself. That’s really nasty. And your DH is mean and should be ashamed of himself.

DalekDalekDalek Yes, I think she wants one but I don't think she wants one from me.

Why not speak to her son? And her daughter for that matter?

Because she is embarrassed that she has to ask her own children to buy her a mother's day card!