AIBU to think MIL brought this on herself...?

[thedishwasherdoesntemptyitself]

Mother's Day coming up. MIL will get nothing from DH and (unless she buys it herself which she has been known to do) no card from DH's sister.

MIL has always bought gifts to send to others from her children and, here's where she went wrong IMO, continued to do this when they were adults. When I met DH she was still buying Christmas presents for various aunts and uncles and pretending they were from DH and SIL.

I spoke to DH about this (once we were an established couple and I knew his relatives) and said that I didn't want her sending gifts from me as I could buy my own. DH spoke to MIL, she stopped sending them from DH and I but continued sending them from SIL.

And so we bought our own presents. DH actually began to enjoy it ("oooh Auntie Margaret would like this..." etc.) but, as I learned later, FIL had always bought the Mother's Day cards (under orders from MIL) and because I don't buy Mother or Father's Day cards (my parents are dead, too painful to even look) they don't get anything. DH knows it's Mother's Day, he takes DD out to get me something, but he wouldn't think to get a card for his own mother.

MIL complains to me. I tell her to complain to her adult children. She told me she had bought a card and got SIL (lives near her, we don't) to write in it. I think she expected sympathy but I think she is just compounding the problem.

I think she brought it on herself, do you?

But OP you said he had been enjoying sending stuff to 'Auntie Margaret' etc - so he does know that his family like presents on special days and, since it was your MIL who had previously been sending the presents/cards as if from him, he knows that SHE sets store by such things. It hardly needs a lot of thought from him to join up the dots and think to get her a card on Mother's day.

TheNavigator Not skirting anything. Not saying he "cant", I'm saying he doesn't. My AIBU was asking why...

I know your upset by your own parents, but you married him and you're a couple. Regardless she's still your MIL and if they do cards for grans etc now, you could quickly pick one up. There's no excuse.
My dps mom died when he was 16. He was taken in by his nan at a very young age as his mom was disabled and going down hill slowly. It's painful for him to buy mothers day things. But he's bothered with me for me from our dd and he's also bothered with his nan now they do cards for nans on mother's day.
By all means if you all want to sit there with no guilt or thought, you can.
But I hope your MIL gives no account or thought for you all again because she deserves better than this.
It wouldn't hurt you just to do this for her. It's about kindness and like it or not, it sounds like you don't like her at all, you married into it.

My AIBU was asking why...

No, your AIBU was "haha, look how stupid my MIL was buying cards on behalf of her family all these years and now no one can be fucked to buy her one. Isn't that hilarious!"

FFS, just tell him in the korn8ng that it's his last chance and that even though he's never done it before, it upsets her that he doesn't. If he gets her at least a card tomorrow then she'll get it on Monday or Tuesday and she'll be OK.

Next year, remind him to send her something a bit earlier. You don't hate her or anything do you? Just take pity on someone who has let you know that your dh upsets her every single yeat.

Despite how little I think of the OP’s husband, I don’t think she should buy the card on his behalf. I wouldn’t be enabling his behaviour.

Seriously OP, how do you not see how horrid he is in this?

Ruffian Yes, I think over 40 he is learning to buy gifts. But he doesn't think his mother cares about Mother's Day. He thinks I think she does because I care about it.

My AIBU was asking why. Because he is a selfish fucker. Glad I'm not married to one.

Totally agree by the way that you shouldn't buy the card - just tell him when he takes the dc out to get your stuff to make sure he gets for MIL as well. Tell him emphatically that you know she does care - you can do that much without compromising your principle.

Mother's day is a bit of a pita in many ways, my own DM always protests that she doesn't want anything and it's all commercialised but I still get her a card and small present anyway and actually she's always made up to get them.

Why? Well probably it is easier for him not to buy a card so he chooses the easier lazier option and justifies it by saying his mum doesn't care about cards.

If his mother cared enough, she would say it to him. Or maybe she feels embarrassed that her children don't think enough of her to buy a card so can't say it to them.

I don't know why you care to be honest. If you cared enough you'd spend a few minutes explaining to him that his mum actually does care about the cards and would he please buy her one when he organises yours. Would have taken you less time that to write your first post.

Both my parents are dead and I bought flowers for MIL today - not from DH - from me.

Kindness is the most underrated virtue there is ime.

Sorry, haven't read the full thread so maybe I have missed something. But why can't you or your DH just do the kind thing and buy her a card, even if it is not reciprocated in other ways. She sounds well meaning, buying cards for others. It is obviously significant to her. Why all the angst about it. Just buy the woman a card.

I kind of get what you mean OP. I think it's important to teach children how to give, and to be thoughtful, and if she never bothered to do that I would probably assume it wasn't important to her.

But yes, now you know, worth reminding him. My MIL does my head in but I still bought a card for her and put it in DH's bag for him to write and post at work. Just because while I do kind of think it's bullshit I have to do that, making my point isn't worth her hurt feelings. I know she likes it, I can't unknow that, and I'd feel like a dick ignoring it.

Jux She has never let me know DH upsets her every year. She has mentioned, once, last year, that she bought a card for herself for SIL to write and I assumed this was her round abut way of telling me to:

1. Send her a card myself
2. Send her a card pretending to be from DH
3. Tell SIL to send her a card
4. Tell DH to send her a card
5. Something else entirely I haven't thought of.

I told DH that I think it meant she wanted him to send a card. DH said I was wrong, she doesn't bother with stuff like that.

She doesn't bother with stuff ..... yet she ensures everyone around her has cards- even if she has written them herself??

Spottytop1 Good point. Though she would just get on and write Christmas cads etc. from everyone, she didn't show them to DH or anything.

All these bloody games in families. They only carry on because you are a party to them. Step away from it all and act as your conscience tells you, card or no card .

This really isn't that difficult op. Tell your husband to send his mum a card. How will you feel if your children can't be bothered with you in years to come.

IamaBluebird Yes, I have told him.

He is saying oh she isn't bothered by mothers day what that really means is he doesn't care enough to just buy her a card . Do you not think that is unfeeling and hurtful?

This thread has not moved on at all.

Your DH knows (of course he fucking does) that his mum would like a card. You keep saying he says he doesn’t know. Your MIL has a selfish son that you’ve married. She, like you, is not responsible for his actions.

You shouldn't have to tell your DH to send his mu a Mother's Day card. You really shouldn't. How can you marry man who has so little respect for the woman who gave birth to him FFS? He sounds like a selfish wanker.

this all seems so needlessly complicated. She told you she bought a card for sil and you have 5 different options as to what this might mean. Couldn't you just talk to her?

Why don't you ask her if she would like her children to send her cards on mothers day and then tell your dh and your sil her response?

Is your dh otherwise nice to his mother?

pallisers I did. I told her to talk to her adult children about it. She's had a year and said nothing.

Finding this thread really interesting as I probably could have written it!
Until I was on the scene MIL always sent the gifts and sometimes still does if it’s for something we have no intention of sending to but she feels the need (great great auntie Lucy who’s not a real auntie but lived down the road 20yrs ago’s bday!)

I think it’s MIL who has brought it on herself also from the way she’s always done it for him and SIL.
That said, I have bought a card for MIL. Not because I had to but because he wouldn’t have and whether he believes it or not she would feel hurt. (Yes she’s stupid for making out she doesn’t need/want it, to him, but truth is she does) And no, I have no intention of buying gifts on behalf of my own children. But I’ll bring them up that yes I would like something as would their DF and yes it is up to them to get something from them.

Well then thedishwasher she is probably not that pushed or maybe she would like if one of them gave her a card but is otherwise happy with them. Don't see why you have to think she brought it on herself if she isn't complaining. I think her weird gift/card giving thing (and it was weird imo) bothered you and you want her know she was wrong.

If I were you I'd tell dh that you think he should send a card. After that it is up to him.

I notice you are 5 years in. I know my MIL for more than 25 years. We have weathered lots of stuff together - as she has with her adult children. I don't think cards matter that much to her. She loves her children and their spouses and is glad they have good lives and are good husbands and fathers. I don't think a card matters that much one way or the other (although I did admire the decisiveness of the poster upthread who thought you should leave your husband because he didn't give his mother a card on mothers day - kind of a boss attitude as my kid would say)