AIBU to think MIL brought this on herself...?

[thedishwasherdoesntemptyitself]

Mother's Day coming up. MIL will get nothing from DH and (unless she buys it herself which she has been known to do) no card from DH's sister.

MIL has always bought gifts to send to others from her children and, here's where she went wrong IMO, continued to do this when they were adults. When I met DH she was still buying Christmas presents for various aunts and uncles and pretending they were from DH and SIL.

I spoke to DH about this (once we were an established couple and I knew his relatives) and said that I didn't want her sending gifts from me as I could buy my own. DH spoke to MIL, she stopped sending them from DH and I but continued sending them from SIL.

And so we bought our own presents. DH actually began to enjoy it ("oooh Auntie Margaret would like this..." etc.) but, as I learned later, FIL had always bought the Mother's Day cards (under orders from MIL) and because I don't buy Mother or Father's Day cards (my parents are dead, too painful to even look) they don't get anything. DH knows it's Mother's Day, he takes DD out to get me something, but he wouldn't think to get a card for his own mother.

MIL complains to me. I tell her to complain to her adult children. She told me she had bought a card and got SIL (lives near her, we don't) to write in it. I think she expected sympathy but I think she is just compounding the problem.

I think she brought it on herself, do you?

Poor woman.

It is objectively meaningless. A mother’s day card that is chosen, bought, written and delivered with zero input from the (adult) dc, means absolutely nothing. And yet she was happy to accept it, which means she doesn’t care about getting cards from her son, she just wants cards. I would be fairly insulted if I was her child.

He knows it's mother's day, he knows that a card/token gift is appropriate and he knows his mother would like to receive something as you told him last year.

So what is his excuse for not bothering?

As other posters have pointed out to you OP, kindness goes a long way. So many posters are begging you to talk to your husband/show him this thread in order to be kind to an elderly, bereaved woman.
You bat every comment away by saying it's not your job to show some empathy or carry out an altruistic act. You sound chillingly detached and very unkind.
It's too late now anyway. This is one of the nastiest original posts on Mumsnet I have ever encountered, made worse by you mocking your MIL and 'lolling' about the situation.
I hope away from Mumsnet you give some real thought to advice from other posters and act with compassion.

My DH is awful for this, got me nothing for my birthday once.... nothing zero zilch not even a card from the kids I went ballistic!

He does it with his family too, I don't get involved he has a brain and a calendar on his phone both of which he can use.

People don't 'forget ' these things they just don't care enough about them, and you can't change that.

Sometimes people's feelings are more important than being "right"

@Frakka "It is objectively meaningless"
Clearly not to the recipient, which is the point of giving a card in the first place.

So the women sorted out your husbands presents for other for years but he can’t be bothered to get her a card.
What a dick.

My DH was extremely fond of his mother but resents buying cards (For any occasion). So whilst she was alive I bought the card he wrote it from all of us (including the kids). She probably knew that was the case but enjoyed receiving it anyway.
Like PP I just find your attitude to MIL (whatever her faults) incredibly sad.

What a horrible comment to say that "she brought it on herself" . A heavy price to pay for the proxy present buying!
I was rather hoping that when my son's find partners I might get MD cards too (joking)..

Just send the poor woman a card! It won't hurt!
Not her job. Her husband has hands.
So why not remind him to.
Because he knows to, really.

Honestly are your husbands really this pathetic?

OP your mil has not brought this on her self, your husband is a bellend. He is a grown up now, he knows how to buy a fucking card.

My husband sends his mom a card. But buys me lovely things and for his mom
He couldn't really give a rats arse. It would mean a lot for her if he made an effort. I encourage this and suggest things he can get. But ultimately she's his mom. So I leave it in his hands.

I am in the minority on this thread but I must say I wouldn't buy a card either. All this hinting and having to guess at what people actually want is painful. If op's DH wants to ignore the day despite being advised to buy a card, then that's on him. If op's MIL wants to skirt around the topic and not directly say 'I would like a card please dear' to her DC, then it is not the op's responsibility to sort it out. It sounds like op has it sorted out in her own house, with her DD aware that this is a day for children to thank their mum and that effort on her part is appreciated, so I don't understand the 'You'll be sorry when it happens to you' messages either.

Do let us know what happens (if anything) this year op. You never know, she might actually use words to communicate her feelings clearly to her DC....

Look, I know what you’re saying. That because she had always sorted the cards and presents in the family, they’ve never had to think about it, and were only vaguely aware that it was happening, if at all. So they’ve been raised not to think about cards and therefore attach no importance to them. You have a point there, in that MIL created this situation.

However, you and your DH have new information. Cards and presents were happening, they are important to your MIL (to the extent that she went to the time and effort of sorting them all out all the time) and she is feeling sad that she is not getting anything back. It’s the fact that your DH is choosing to ignore this information that makes him a bit of twat, especially when the solution is so simple, to buy a card.

No point trying to reason with this OP. This sort of thing really gets to me knowing she will be sat there probably still grieving over her dp with nothing knowing her children and their DP's didn't give a shit to even think about her. How sad. I wish I could send her a card and some flowers or take her out. She deserves more than a medal for putting up with her selfish selfish family.
OP, using your own loss as an excuse for unkindness isn't an excuse however hard it is. Multiple women on this thread have lost people and still gone out of their way to buy a card for their DP's family with who they've lost on.. My brother committed suicide and he was my soul mate. I miss him so much it hurts. But I still buy a card with brother on for my mom if she can't get out.
There's no excuse. It's a card. No one is asking you to swim the channel for her. Just asking you and your prick of a dh to have some fucking empathy and compassion.

But theres no point reasoning. You deserve each other. I've never seen so much unkindness and one day if your DIL if you have one hurts you this way, you think about this. Because if you carry on I think all of you will one day have a lot to regret.

My brother committed suicide and he was my soul mate. I miss him so much it hurts. But I still buy a card with brother on for my mom if she can't get out

IN the kindest possible way that has nothing to do with the OP whose husband is still very much alive and capable of not being a selfish arse.

It's also not her mother, and her mil hasn't lost a son.

WHy is it the OP's job, why not the FIl's? He's always done it. Or god forbid her actual dh? The op is not even related to the MIL, she happen to marry one of her relations. That's it.

Here is the crux of it:

There was never a message to pass.
I passed one on anyway thinking there was.

You have assumed your MIL wants a MD card, your DH has assumed his mother does not want a MD card.

Neither of you actually know.

Either of you could ask.

YANBU not to buy MIL a card.

DH however is a bit of a shit not to buy his mother a card, considering he helps his DC choose one so he’s in the bloody shops anyway. He sounds bloodyminded and weird.

Why is any of this OPs fault? She is trying to get her arse DP to do something nice for his own mother.

If OP was not on the scene, he would still be an arse. Why is MIL talking through her to her own son?

MIL meeds to stop being a martyr and talk to them. SIL seems to be an insensitive twat too.

Is your husband a bit fucking thick to be so oblivious to occasions such as Mother's Day, birthdays, Christmas etc? You keep trying to excuse his behaviour by saying "MIL bought the cards and presents and DH wasn't even aware it was such and such occasion". Of that is true you aren't just married to a thoughtless bastard you are married to a thick one too

The point was its the kind thing to do even if it hurts to look at the cards if her dh is thoughtless or just an asshole. She knows how much it'd mean to her.

WHy is it the OP's job, why not the FIl's? He's always done it.

@MingerDynasty I agree it’s bit OP’s job but FIL is dead Hard to buy cards from beyond the grave.

I don't understand the ladies who say MIL needs to talk to them.
How embarrassing would it be to ask your own children for a card for you? How degrading for her

How embarrassing would it be to ask your own children for a card for you?

Why would it be embarrassing or degrading to point out to adults that you’re hurt by their actions?