AIBU to think MIL brought this on herself...?

[thedishwasherdoesntemptyitself]

Mother's Day coming up. MIL will get nothing from DH and (unless she buys it herself which she has been known to do) no card from DH's sister.

MIL has always bought gifts to send to others from her children and, here's where she went wrong IMO, continued to do this when they were adults. When I met DH she was still buying Christmas presents for various aunts and uncles and pretending they were from DH and SIL.

I spoke to DH about this (once we were an established couple and I knew his relatives) and said that I didn't want her sending gifts from me as I could buy my own. DH spoke to MIL, she stopped sending them from DH and I but continued sending them from SIL.

And so we bought our own presents. DH actually began to enjoy it ("oooh Auntie Margaret would like this..." etc.) but, as I learned later, FIL had always bought the Mother's Day cards (under orders from MIL) and because I don't buy Mother or Father's Day cards (my parents are dead, too painful to even look) they don't get anything. DH knows it's Mother's Day, he takes DD out to get me something, but he wouldn't think to get a card for his own mother.

MIL complains to me. I tell her to complain to her adult children. She told me she had bought a card and got SIL (lives near her, we don't) to write in it. I think she expected sympathy but I think she is just compounding the problem.

I think she brought it on herself, do you?

No, whats odd is that your DH and SIL never started behaving like adults.

Yes, I agree. And I think it is because MIL did everything for them. Still does for SIL I think.

OP you sound very cold. Your husband sounds selfish and lacking in emotional intelligence.

Of course his mom wants a card. No mom wants to have to beg their offspring to appreciate them on a day that couldn't be more obviously about celebrating having or being a mother. What a sad conversation to have to have.

I wouldn't want to buy one either if I were you as I can see that would be tough but if you've tried to prompt your husband to do this small but significant thing for his mother and he still can't be arsed, why on earth would you a) decide that's her fault and b) come on MUMSNET looking for people to agree it's this mother's fault her family won't even buy her a card??

WetPaint4 Because if she mentioned anything this year I was going to say something like "I said to DH to send you a card but he says you don't bother with MD. If you do want DH to start sending you cards you will have to tell him. I don't think he ever did because you and FIL always bought cards from him."

But now I'm not going to say anything because I think I will put my foot in it.

"I think she brought it on herself, do you?"

No, I think your husband and his sister sound incredibly selfish. I feel very sorry for your MIL and if I were you I would tell your dh to grow up.

Maybe one day your dh will stop pushing your kids to get a card for you and you will understand what it feels like to be unappreciated.

I understand that she’s being a martyr, but if I were I’d still concentrate on your DH. Tell him to get a grip, have a stern word! Say of course she wants a card, flowers. If you don’t no one else will.

Do a good deed for mothers!

I feel so sorry for your MIL. She's got selfish children and an uncaring DIL who thinks it's more important to stand by her beliefs, than show a little kindness.

I've lost my dad, yet I always reminded my DH to get a father's day card, when FIL was still alive. I even wrote it (from all of us, not just DH) because my handwriting is neater than DH's scrawl.

Can't you even get her a grandmother card from your DD? It's the least you could do.

I'm really really dreading the day I become a MIL. Seriously fcucking dreading it.

I'm really really dreading the day I become a MIL. Seriously fcucking dreading it.

I'm really really dreading the day I become a MIL. Seriously fcucking dreading it.

OP you must have a lot of time on your hands to carry on with this nonsense.
I have 4 kids & will probably receive 2 cards (from the girls doubt the boys will have noticed) but I am not bothered.
My mother was obsessed with getting a card/ flowers even though we didn't particularly get on & I wouldn't have dreamt of not sending one! Disingenuous probably but so What?
You are coming across as spiteful, petty & seemingly rather jealous of MIL

What an odious shit your MIL seems to have raised

Seriously op this is HER fault?? if your dh takes dd to get something then he knows it's Mother's Day and could easily go and get her something, he really shouldn't need to be taught this. And you are facilitating the behaviour by not prompting him when you could?? Just why? Poor woman!

but he wouldn't think to get a card for his own mother.”

That's just mean.

Neither of you will encourage your daughter to send a card to her grandmother either.

Yes ^ this.

Please don't teach your DD to be as unpleasant as you and your DH seem to be

I’m with you OP.

I think she has brought it on herself. If she was fine instructing her DH to buy a card for her ‘from the kids’ she should have been fine instructing him to take them out to get them for her, as you did with your DH.

It strikes me that all the card and present giving she does is for show, which is why she does it on behalf of other people so much. And why she was happy to accept a card ‘from the kids’ that had zero input from them. If my mother had been happy to receive such meaningless cards her whole life I would rather less inclined to start buying them for her now.

Maybe this is a joke / spoof thread combining as it does the tropes / touch points of MILS, Mother’s Day, pigshit DPs and a recalcitrant OP???

The fact that the MiL doesn’t care whether the sentiments in the cards she receives are even remotely genuine, she just wants the ridiculous charade of a card on her windowsill means OP’s DH is fully justified in opting out of the whole deal, in my mind.

Nobody ever taught me to buy Mothers Day gifts as I was raised in a single parent family, so no Dad to "teach" me.
I sent her £100 worth of wine this year. Why? Because its bloody Mother's Day and she has bent over backwards to care for me and SHE'S MY MOTHER.

Whilst I think your MIL sounds like she does too much for her children, that doesn't mean she doesn't deserve kindness. There's an argument there that she especially deserves recognition, sounds like her hearts in the right place.

You DH sounds like a brat and tbh you're not coming off great either. Buy the poor woman a £1 card and remove yourself from the situation. It'll mean the world to her and cost you nothing.

Or give me her address and I'll send her a card, cause it sounds like her own family don't give a fuck.

Haven't read the full thread but has anyone suggested going NC over the faux present buying?

It'll mean the world to her

This is what I mean - if the MiL receives a mother’s day card purporting to be from her son, with some kind of gooey sentimental message in it, but she knows in fact he had absolutely nothing to do with it, and she is happy and satisfied with that, then the whole thing is utterly meaningless.

But surely it depends on whose feelings you are considering? If she is happy to receive a card under those circumstances it isn't "utterly meaningless" to her!
I didn't get on particularly well with my mother so always ensured that I did not select a gooey sentimental card.

I know my MIL always bought presents for BIL to give, even once he was an adult. She probably still does but its no longer anything to do with us as we are NC with BIL. However, the present buying was symptomatic of a larger issue of how MIL generally deals with her children and the fact that BiL was (is?) a massive man child and allowed for the whole ridiculous situation to occur. The situation went far beyond present buying to micro managing his money and bailing him out regularly rather than letting him find out the consequences for himself. I wonder whether it is a similar thing in your case OP, where the present/card buying issue is actually part of a wider problem with your MIL seeing and treating her adult children with respect and acknowledging them as adults, therefore they have not developed that mutual adult respect and relationship with her that would usually compel them to WANT to buy a card for their mum.