Why would you want to work full time when your dh earns enough?

[NaiceToMeetYou]

^ my dm. The woman who's been 'on the sick for 25 years. I'm neglecting my children apparently. Fwiw dh has a decent wage which pays the bills but we're by no means rich. I've always worked, only part time for the last few years and this new role is actually a promotion I was very proud of.
Wibu to tell her to piss off back to the 1950's?

It’s interesting re the role reversal. My family aren’t english & I have 1 female cousin who’s the high earner & her husband doesn’t work now & the youngest child is 2. My aunt her mother is v.judgy about this even though her son wife’s has barely ever worked, pregnant after uni & her youngest is 8.

At the moment the easier thing for me to do would be give up work. It's hard - I'm finding it tough working with two babies and a shift working DH (doctor).

But I know I would regret it - my job is really good, I enjoy it, get a lot more from work than money.

I need to keep going even though it is hard.

Again, this is something working women tell themselves to make themselves feel better. 'Oh at least I am independent,' When the fact is, if she splits with her husband, she will be no better off than a SAHM who splits from hers. (She will be worse off probably!)

It may have been the case 70+ years ago, but these days SAHMs will NOT be any more vulnerable than working moms if the couple splits.

The use of the words 'fact' and 'NOT' there are interesting. What are you basing this on? Do you follow trends in family law much kitty?

kitty I read a lot of threads on here where the woman wants to leave her husband but she feels like she can't because she is a SAHM and has no income of her own. Obviously your situation is different and I'm sure a lot of women are financially independent but I think you do have to protect yourself if you plan to be a SAHM. I was one and I had to go on benefits when I left my exh until I found work. I don't plan to put myself in that situation again.

kittythekatt I actually love your post. I was a sahm for a good few years. I managed all the finances and everything else. I had many friends criticise me for loss of financial dependace for example, Dp would laugh about It and has always been the first to say any money belongs to the family. Plus, I loved being a sahm. I work ft now, and really miss those days.

I certainly think more power to SAHMs who post to dispel some of the dafter comments like what do you do all day, kept woman and that kind of nonsense.

It concerns me, though, when they also throw in generalisations about how SAHMs will probably be richer in the event of divorce so you don't need to worry, because a couple of women they know got a good settlement. It's a complex area of law, most families aren't really high income enough for either parent to have enough assets/maintenance following a divorce to not have to work again, and the law is (often unfairly I think) moving away from long term spousal maintenance.

The issue of whether it's a valid choice shouldn't be blurred with the question of whether an individual is going to be legally and financially vulnerable or not, because they're two separate things. And the latter is not really a topic for rants.

Jack O, it is rude to not respect me because I would choose not to have a salary or career. I'm more than that. I work hard at home with my kids and house and I enjoy it. I provide different things to money. My husband and I are a team. We don't see it as him keeping me.
I also set up a run group aimed at helping people with mental health issues get into exercise to help them. It's free and I don't earn anything but it's been invaluable to some of the people who come.
I've helped a charity with funding applications, I've helped another acquire a building and set up a food co-op. These things can be done on my own time when kids are in bed and I don't have to have a regular commitment. I don't know why I'm justifying myself to you. I'm worth more than the money I earn. I can't imagine basing my self worth on my career and salary.

You don't have to get your head around my choice to stay at home. I just don't get how people can't respect that y choice is different and that my family being happy is what matters. I can totally understand and respect that some women enjoy work and that works for them. That old cliché of the world being boring if everybody was the same.

I live in an area where there are a lot of SAHMs. Probably, at the prep school, I would say 80% of mums are SAHMs. Some still have younger kids at home, many don't. I don't think there is one who doesn't have at least a degree or didn't have a professional job before.

Many people feel awkward calling a spade a spade, but if your DH is a high earner (and by high earner I mean anything over 200 k to multi- millionaire) he is not likely to work what most people think of as normal hours. There is a certain mentality. With money comes higher expectations all round - expensive housing, pressure to get into certain schools, expensive lifestyle habits, etc. It's a vicious circle, like anything else. The women who become SAHMs are far from downtrodden "little women" who would be destitute if their DH left them. They know what's what and they make a certain lifestyle possible. They are far from sat at home, "reliant" on their DH. If anything, the DH is more reliant on her because if you've never used nannies or childcare and your kids aren't used to it, this can seem alien and most men wouldn't know where to begin.

I wouldn't respect it in a man (not that that ever seems to happen) so I can't treat women differently.

It's not just that, the partner could get ill and be no longer able to work, lose their job or die. None of that is predictable or anyone's fault.

Well it’s up to you if you want to make sacrifices for peace of mind but personally I don’t think it’s ideal to live your life worrying about contingency in the case of death of a partner

sevenstars in reality though - most SATM's husbands don't earn over 200k?!

I have learnt a lot from mumsnet and one thug that keeps popping up is not to loose your earning potential it financial independence. What if the worst happened to the only earner in the family - I suspect (but don't know) that most sole earners are in reality not in the 200k and above bracket?!

I'm lucky that my husband works full time so I don't have to, tho I do work part time. We have no kids at home tho. I've pretty much worked part time since I had the eldest. It works for us as I'm at home to do the admin, kids, housework which suits us although he does all the cooking as he likes it (I'm not keen unless it's toast!) We have the weekends when we don't have to worry about housework etc as it's all done, I'm available in the week for grandkids, parents etc, which has been handy as they've had severe medical issues so I've been on tap to offer practical support.
I have good pensions sorted, as has he, we're not having to lick coal to keep warm and we're both very happy.
Different life styles suit different people , so ignore your mum. My daughter works full time so her lo goes to nursery, I look after him a lot (cos I don't work full time) plus other relatives chip in and her husband does his fair share. I would never comment on their set up as although it's different from ours it suits them.
Sounds like your mum is envious. Congrats on your promotion as well!

Why bother explaining yourself to someone with such outdated and frankly offensive views and a lifestyle that you have no wish to imitate?
She sounds very insecure and unpleasant and is taking her unhappiness out on you. You've already given yourself the best advice - ignore, ignore and ignore some more!

I like the fact that I earn the same as my DH, we both look after our DC alone one day a week.

I am finding it really tough and so is he. We could probably stop one of us working and just focus all efforts into the other.

I think we both get the benefits of working and benefit of childcare. Our two DC do nursery three days and then a day each with us so I think that is a good balance for them.

Im not sure why more people don't do this (or it isn't evident on here?) and then you have two incomes which added together are good? Spread the risk and the pressure?

I'm not saying it is the easy way though :)

We could live off one wage but to be fair I would be bored, I wouldn't like to ask DH for money , I can spend my money on whatever I want, MY pension and belt and braces - what if we split up and I have no job!!??

For her to insinuate you are neglecting your kids is rude to say the least and completely none of her business.

I'd just ignore her though and YANBU.

We could comfortably survive off DP's wages but like others have said, if we both earn we can comfortably enjoy life.

Also financial independence, a life outside the home, pension and actually feeling like I'm financially contributing to the household.

I've had periods of unemployment and have spent the time at home cooking and cleaning etc and also going stark raving mad!

Tell her to do one and mind her own business. How you both decide to support your family is between the two of you and not for anyone else to judge

Also I don't mean to be morbid but what if your DP died?

I for one would be stuffed financially if DP died and I didn't have a job.

ooft kitty that was a bit of a diatribe.

I don't think the is anything wrong with SAHMs I just know that I'd be finacially stuffed esp as DH has other chldren from another marraige should we split up.

Some woman I know have walked away in the divorce with the house and a great income from ex DH but others I know had to sell up , get a cheaper house and get a job to keep it all afloat. I know some people do make snide remarks to both camps so its a no win situation.

For me its a personal thing regarding asking DH for money I enjoy the percieved freedom my wage allows me. To be honest I shouldn't feel bad as if I was a SAHM I would be taking on the roles of childminding, cook, cleaner, etc etc enabling DH to go out to work .

Anyway I think i like to work as it makes me feel good. Other people have to work to make ends meet, other people enjoy the role of SAHM.

All choices are equally valid in my eyes.

My tip for this kind of criticism is to disengage and don't try and justify your choices.

I am in an Exec position, great salary working f/t often away for a night in the week. I have a great DH who is my partner and we work at our life together.

I have had the following said to me:
'money isn't everything' 'we didn't have anything but I was there for my children' 'I wanted to see my kids grown up' 'I couldn't stand somebody else bringing my kids up'

Looking at my lovely life; seeing my confident happy kids who have tons of friends, great experiences (that I could only dream of); and having a happy home where we are all doing more or less what we choose is my personal justification.

I honestly could not care less what other women choose to do; their life their choice. What does upset me is why women have to be so bloody hard on each other. No man has ever commented on my choice to work.

Enjoy your promotion and celebrate with like minded people. Just cut off the opportunity of conversations like this - it was refreshing when I did, and meant that I didn't open myself up to unwanted and unjustified criticism.

@369thegoosedrankwine

My tip for this kind of criticism is to disengage and don't try and justify your choices.

spot on advice

wow some really bitter posts and a lot of projection going on here.

OP- clearly some people, your dm included, cannot get their heads round the fact that many women work because they have good jobs, they find them interesting, they are perhaps in a role such as doctor, nurse, teacher or a million other things which society relies on....

And I don’t think WOHM really waste much head space worrying about other women and whether they work or not - it’s our own families we are concerned about

Having said that, the fact that women overall are financially more vulnerable than men, tend not to have enough pension etc is a bigger topic, and deserves to be highlighted

Wow Kitty in one post you have attacked people who don’t understand women who stay at home while simultaneously attacking women who who chose to work.

For me the way you chose to spend your days sound both completely mind-numbing and totally self indulgent. I couldn’t do that, but if it works for you then fine, but I just couldn’t do that knowing my husbands hard worked for salary was paying for my horse riding and coffee’s.

Skarcross - the reality is, if your DH earns significantly more than you, it's his income that determines your lifestyle, whether you're working or not.

Kitty, I'm happy for you! If I could retire now in my 30s, I would 😂.
There are so many lively things to do in life to give it meaning as well as work. I'd love to horse ride, get back into playing piano... I've got my hands full with little ones at the minute, but when they're older, of I find myself not working, I won't be bored.

To the pp who says she couldn't stand having her lifestyle funded by her husband, Kitty is retired and has her own income... And maybe her husband LIKES working and only does so by his own (equally valid) choice. Would you judge if he was retired too?

What should Retired people do with their time???

I don't think anyone was bothered that Kitty had taken early retirement.
I think it was more the epic rant :-)