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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why would you want to work full time when your dh earns enough?

158 replies

NaiceToMeetYou · 09/03/2018 18:29

^ my dm. The woman who's been 'on the sick for 25 years. I'm neglecting my children apparently. Fwiw dh has a decent wage which pays the bills but we're by no means rich. I've always worked, only part time for the last few years and this new role is actually a promotion I was very proud of.
Wibu to tell her to piss off back to the 1950's?

OP posts:
KochabRising · 09/03/2018 19:04

In local councils as recently as the fifties, prob later, you had to leave your job when you got married if you were female, it wasn't even about kids.

My mum encountered this as late as the seventies. Only teachers and nurses seemed to be able to keep their jobs.

PumpkinPie2016 · 09/03/2018 19:07

YANBU I work full time and recently took a promotion.

I worked bloody hard to get where I am and I wouldn't want to give up.

Plus, I would go mad at home (much as I love my 4 year old). I take my hat off to anyone who can be at home but it isn't me.

g1itterati · 09/03/2018 19:07

Nobody actually lives in the 1950s, SAHM or not, because it's 2018.

Elabear · 09/03/2018 19:09

Well it's none of her business. She's entitled to an opinion but should keep it to herself unless asked.

You do seem on the defensive though so she's obviously hit a nerve.

Being a sahm also doesn't mean you're stuck in the 1950s. Different things work for different families. You're doing what's best for yours so tell your mum to button up.

ohnomoresnow · 09/03/2018 19:09

Your DM is just very old fashioned. It's fine for women to be SAHMs, but also fine for them to be in careers if that makes them happy. I know of plenty of women who DON'T work who are shit mothers, and plenty of working mothers who are great mothers (like you OP...)

Why has your DM been 25 years on the sick? How does anyone even DO that?

Bluntness100 · 09/03/2018 19:10

I am aware of that Bluntness, but it is no longer the 1950's and it still seems to be the default for the women to sacrifice her earning power in many relationship

I agree with you, but I think we hav to factor In that many women want to give up and have no desire to go back to employment.

However for those forced into it, it's often due to lower earnings than the husband or if one has to give up, the husband often simply wouldn't consider it.

It's not common though now, I think the stats are more than 80percent of mothers work, less than 20 percent don't. For men it's much much lower. I think a large chunk of the 20 percent who don't work, are probably doing it through choice.

"Housewife" is even more uncommon, where there are no kids but the woman just lives off her husband and doesn't work although fully able.

himalayansalt · 09/03/2018 19:13

It's annoying but not too difficult to deal with.

Just say "that's a ridiculously old fashioned view mother" and have done with it. She won't be able to argue with it.

Bluntness100 · 09/03/2018 19:14

Nobody actually lives in the 1950s, SAHM or not, because it's 2018

Sure. But plenty folks have attitudes that belong there. Particularly common in some older folk who were brought up to believe something, or when it benefits the person personally to have that opinion.

It's 2018, both genders can chose to work or not as per their personal desires and family needs. The attitude of why would a woman work belongs back in the fifties, we work for many reasons and should never have to justify ourselves as the op is having to.

ohnomoresnow · 09/03/2018 19:16

@Bluntness100

"Housewife" is even more uncommon, where there are no kids but the woman just lives off her husband and doesn't work although fully able.

I don't think I know ANYone without kids who doesn't work, and just lives off her husband. I would feel so bad doing that.

Not attacking anyone who does; just that I couldn't do it, even if he was worth 25 million quid. If you have kids under 16, then yeah, but no kids? Nah, couldn't do it...

DragonNoodleCake · 09/03/2018 19:18

Your DM should be proud of her daughter that contributes to her family income and just got a promotion!!! (Go you!!) rather than making outdated comments.

AnnabelleLecter · 09/03/2018 19:19

DH could pack up work and we could live off my wage which is what we will do if he gets made redundant before he retires.
We're very modern Hmm

JaneEyre70 · 09/03/2018 19:20

I am unashamed to say that I don't work through choice, I love being at home too much and DH earns more than enough to cover the bills and a few luxuries to boot. But I've actively encouraged my DDs to start their career paths off early before having children, so they have the choice to carry on if they want to. It's all about choice.
We're all individual and it's what works for each family. But I agree OP that no one else has the right to comment on it and make you feel bad - if we choose to work we're neglecting our children, if we don't we are lazy and risking a financial disaster if our DH wanders off. Meh.

Blackteadrinker77 · 09/03/2018 19:22

I would be worried if either of my DDs became a SAHP.

I think it is important for every able adult to be financially independent.

speakout · 09/03/2018 19:26

I prefer to work part time. I like the balance and I earn enough.

My youngest is 17.

I have no intention of working full time again.

Graphista · 09/03/2018 19:29

My mum had to fight to keep her job when she married in the 70's!

As someone who was a sahm I regretted it as it left me VERY vulnerable when we split.

It's not only relationship breakdown either, look at the HUGE seemingly would "be around forever" companies that have gone bust in recent years. So redundancy, illness/disability or even death striking the ONE earning partner would leave the whole family vulnerable.

Plus all the other reasons previously given.

Original poster
NaiceToMeetYou · 09/03/2018 19:30

I didn't say there was anything wrong with being a sahp or imply they're lazy or spongers Hmm

My mother on the other hand is lazy and doesn't understand why anyone would want to work of they didn't have to. She used to tell me to say dh had left me so I could 'claim'

OP posts:
VivaKondo · 09/03/2018 19:34

Please don’t feel guilty.
I’m sure your DH doesn’t feel guilty of leaving his dcs in childcare. And nor should you (or not more than he does).

chocolateworshipper · 09/03/2018 19:34

Tell her that DH is going to be a SAHP

KochabRising · 09/03/2018 19:36

Basically your mum is trying to validate her choices. Your choices are different to hers and in some level she’s not happy with that. This is about how she feels, I think.

Interestingly my mum did once say that she doesn’t know how we hold it all together both working (by a shared slatternly approach to housework and as much equally of effort as we can is how.) she’s only said it once in a kind of ‘did you ever think about taking a career break so you’re not both so frazxled’ Way, not in a critical way, then reflected on how different things were when we were kids.

If I had an independent income, I wouldn’t work. If I win the lottery I wouldn’t, or if dh earned enough to replace my wage, plus pension plus bonuses large enough to wipe out the mortgage in a few years I’d think about it. Since none of these are likely, I plan to continue.

The sahm/ wohm bashing these threads usually end up in is pointless. We all do what we feel is best within the restrictions and situations we have. Neither option is morally superior or right in all situations

banannabreadforme · 09/03/2018 19:43

Congratulations on your promotion. Work is a super place to go to meet other adults and not young children who talk about pepper pig. Well done!

DalekDalekDalek · 09/03/2018 19:46

I think you need to send your mother a calendar so she can see that it's 2018 and women can work if they chose to even if they have children.

kinorsam · 09/03/2018 20:02

I was sick of working and I couldn't wait to say 'good riddance' to my job and be a sahm. Especially after 15 years of infertility. We didn't have much money and it was a hell of a struggle for us at times, but looking back I'm glad I did it.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 09/03/2018 20:06

Just tell her it's not the 1950s any more and lots of women don't like to be kept Hmm

Working is not just about money, it's about job satisfaction, self respect, work ethic, role modelling and sharing the financial burden with a spouse rather than opting out and giving them no choice but to work, I'd not want a selfish partner who thought it was ok to not work yet expected me to pay for his every single need.

OutyMcOutface · 09/03/2018 20:08

I wouldn’t if I could trust my husband to be financially responsible but he’s a bit crap at that so it’s good to have a second person who is able to get work as required. Obviously if I stopped working that would affect my ability to get a job if he got himself into trouble.

reallyanotherone · 09/03/2018 20:16

I’d be inclined to reply that yes, you can live off one wage, so dh is going to give up his job.

Watch her get her head around that one.

My dm pushed me into university (away from my chosen career path) and was very proud to tell her mates what my job was. Then before i got pregnant she made blanket statements like women should stay at home until the child goes to school. Then apparently they are supposed to get back into their previous career as if they’d never been away.

I worked from home for 5 years. This is not a “job” apparently, and i got constant comments about being bored all day stuck at home with nothing to do, and it was such a waste of my education.

Now i have a ft job a dh is a sahp. Oh lord you’d have thought i’d castrated him. “Men” apparently don’t handle not being the breadwinner and aren’t capable of looking after house and kids properly. I am some sort of lesbian who wears trousers and has dh chained to the hoover like an s&m slave. Me “making” him sah is an insult to masculinity...