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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why would you want to work full time when your dh earns enough?

158 replies

NaiceToMeetYou · 09/03/2018 18:29

^ my dm. The woman who's been 'on the sick for 25 years. I'm neglecting my children apparently. Fwiw dh has a decent wage which pays the bills but we're by no means rich. I've always worked, only part time for the last few years and this new role is actually a promotion I was very proud of.
Wibu to tell her to piss off back to the 1950's?

OP posts:
BitchQueen90 · 13/03/2018 08:57

I'm single but I'd work even if I wasn't. Was bored to tears when I was a SAHM.

TheHulksPurplePants · 13/03/2018 09:13

I'd say "you know I really don't want to work full-time, but my Valium dealer is currently in the slammer and I'm not sure where to hide my day-gin, so I work instead."

LaurieMarlow · 13/03/2018 09:16

Sounds like she's jealous of your career success OP. I wouldn't feel the need to justify yourself to her, you work because you want to. And congrats on the promotion.

Beetlejizz · 13/03/2018 09:21

There are a few SAHPs who have found themselves very wealthy after divorce, but they were never more than a small minority, and anyone who keeps an eye on the trends in family law will be aware of the move towards expecting SAHPs/homemakers to find work instead of rely on spousal support long term. I think that's often quite unfair really, but it's the way things are going.

SweetheartNeckline · 13/03/2018 09:36

I must admit I personally don't understand why a couple with young kids would choose to work 80 hours between them, when often 60 or 70 hours between them would afford a financially ok lifestyle. This is just an opinion and of course ignores the fact that employers sometimes don't offer PT and everyone's idea of financially comfortable is different.

However I absolutely don't think PT work is for everyone and anecdotally, round here at least, there is less progression and less opportunity for work at a higher level of intricacy, pro rata pay and interest for PT hours.

I think this new opportunity sounds fab, well done OP. It sounds like a chance to progress which may not be available PT. Enjoy getting stuck in.

Beetlejizz · 13/03/2018 09:49

Yeah, the PT thing isn't always available, which is really unfortunate.

80 hours a week between us is not something DH and I would ever choose while we have young children either, but to be fair it's often a choice between one FT job and one SAHP or two FT jobs. It isn't always possible for people to think right, we need 50k or whatever to cover all our bills and have a few treats, and we can earn that in 60 hours a week between us, so we'll just do that.

Jaygee61 · 13/03/2018 09:51

I am an adult and would have no desire to be financially dependant on anyone. I think it puts a women in a very vulnerable position, married or not.

This. If anything should happen to the DH or the marriage a job can be a lifeline in more ways than the purely financial.

LaurieMarlow · 13/03/2018 09:56

Lots of industries/employers aren't open to part time working. They just don't want to know.

And this is a huge problem. In fact, never mind the lack of part time, for some industries even restricting expectations to paid hours (40 per week) would be a huge step forward.

I'd love to see pressure put on businesses to be more family friendly. This 60 hours or nothing culture is so damaging.

Original poster
NaiceToMeetYou · 13/03/2018 09:58

She added 'terrible mother' into the mix this weekend, I'm just going to ignore her.

Dh doesn't have the option of part time for pp who suggested it.

OP posts:
Beetlejizz · 13/03/2018 10:10

YY laurie, especially when so many are under-employed. I appreciate that many people need to work long hours in order to have enough money to pay the bills, but there are plenty of people who would like to and could afford to work less, but aren't allowed to. If everyone who could afford to go down to 0.8 and was in a job where this genuinely would be possible without causing detriment to the employer was able to do so, our society would be a much better place!

Wonkydonky1 · 13/03/2018 10:22

I dont think OPs MUM should p* of back to the 50's.
Back then there wasnt much of a choice, the difference now is there is choice and so she finds that weird, so what that was how it was then.

Why should her or anyone elses opinion matter now? in this day and age we have choices, we are luckier than she was. Why get defensive at the fact that there are more options open to us and we can choose if we work or not.

Well done op for your promotion, you like your job and you get a lot from keeping it up and your happy.

I personally , if I could manage on my husband wage I would choose the 'old fashioned way'.

Its horses for courses now. You just crack on and do it your way.

lazyleo · 13/03/2018 10:23

Personally I think its a reasonable question with a reasonable answer. Why would you want to work full time when your DH earns enough? Everyone has their reasons and sometimes other people can't see through anything except their own point of view. Presumably your mother thinks it would be good to be able to stay at home and not have to go to work. What are her reasons for thinking so? She may have had a terrible time in the workplace herself in years gone by, come from an era where working was even less tolerable for women than it is now. It may be that she sees child rearing / home life as the single most important thing in life for her or indeed woman as a whole.

Your point of view may be around sanity, independence, making a contribution to not just the household but society as a whole.

Personally I don't work, I am SAHM and have been since my eldest was born. We delayed having kids until into our 30's as we wanted to have enough money in the bank to enable me to give up working and we have pensions and life insurance sorted.

For the most part of our lives my husband has always earned substantially more than me - we left uni and he walked into a graduate role earning 3 x what I did. Which meant he paid 2/3 of our bills and I paid 1/3. Moving on his career was one he enjoyed and we knew he was likely to succeed in. Mine got to a point where I kept being pushed to move up the ladder but I didn't like the roles - more and more of a sales basis and more and more travelling around the country and time away. I frequently worked in London from Mon-Fri and was only home sat lunchtime- sun lunchtime.

Giving that up was so easy for me when it became affordable to do so.

So if your mother is disrepectful of your choice to work and tells you that you shouldn't be doing so then absolutely you would NBU tell her to head back to the 50's, if she is just trying to understand why you want to then explain, just open a conversation and don't be UR by telling her to head back to the 50s.

SweetheartNeckline · 13/03/2018 10:40

Beetlejizz it's a shame isn't it. Guess I didn't mean to say I don't understand it on a personal level as I know loads pf couples like you - just it seems society missed a trick and there must be a huge untapped resource of intelligent parents held back by a system that assumes 40 hours plus per week is normal or desirable.

HeavyLoad · 13/03/2018 10:41

She added 'terrible mother' into the mix this weekend, I'm just going to ignore her.

Shock that is unacceptable. I would be making DH have serious words with her and be avoiding her for a while.

Beetlejizz · 13/03/2018 11:24

DH and I both work part time in professional careers sweetheart! We are the very lucky ones. I was speaking about others I'm aware of, sorry if that wasn't clear. I certainly agree we as a society are missing a trick though. It seems loads of the country are underemployed and desperate for more hours, loads of the country are the opposite and there's only a few in the middle who are suitably provisioned.

reallyanotherone · 13/03/2018 22:20

Personally I think its a reasonable question with a reasonable answer. Why would you want to work full time when your DH earns enough?

I don’t think it’s a resonable question at all. It is not her decision to make alone. Does her dh want the responsibility of sole wage earner? What if he would like to be a SAHP? Or go part time so they can both share work and parenting load.

It is a 1950’s question when it assumes man =work, woman = sahm, with no thought to any other possibility. The question “why would you want to work when your dh earns enough” automatically puts the female in the “little woman” role, needing a man to pay her bills while she looks after the house.

Again, you are making the assumption that the dh earns more. He may be “earning enough”, but she may be earning more.

nowater34 · 13/03/2018 22:59

Babyroobs are you me?! I’m not even sure how I got myself into this position & finding it hard to choose.

For me working is an escape & as I’m in my 30s I was scared of having a long time out & struggling to get back. Times are different now plus tech moving so quickly. Also 95% of my friends work so what would I do, I need structure & routine.

Agree with bluntness that a 4 day week would make society so much happier & probably more productive.

cuckooplusone · 13/03/2018 22:59

I earn more than my partner at the moment and he has stepped back to work 3 days a week to support my career progression. It's archaic to default to the woman being SAHP. Ideally we would both work 4 days.

allinclusive · 13/03/2018 23:10

pp, I was implying that sometimes the question is never asked about why the husband should consider part time, especially if it can be afforded.

My MIL is similar, thinks I'm mad, it's all about money etc. I think some people just don't understand someone might work when it's not necessary for financial reasons. I would accept that she doesn't have the capacity to understand as she is only drawing from her own experience, and maybe in her own way, she'd like to see her daughter have an easy life, or maybe she wishes you didn't work so she could spend time with you. I'd feel bad myself if I'd have had a perceived better quality of life than my children and would want the same for them.

GreenTulips · 13/03/2018 23:24

she'd like to see her daughter have an easy life

Being a SAHP isn't the easy option!

Look at all the women who can't work due to disabled children or having a multiple birth, those with parents to look after.

There's only personal choice based on family needs .....

I stayed at home for 5 years and I feel lucky that I had that option and whilst 'off' studied for a change in career - I don't feel it was the easy option by along shot - but kids aren't little for long.

allinclusive · 13/03/2018 23:29

I don't think a sahm is an easy life at all, I just think the OP's mum might see it that way and that's why she might want it for her daughter.

Oly5 · 13/03/2018 23:31

Because I enjoy my job, it’s rewarding, I have a brain and I want to use it?
I’ve made working ft work for me with flexible working.
My kids don’t miss out, I keep my career going. It’s win win for us

Skarossinkplunger · 14/03/2018 06:20

I am an adult and would have no desire to be financially dependant on anyone. I think it puts a women in a very vulnerable position, married or not.

This. I don’t understand women who are happy to be ‘kept’.

sevenstars · 14/03/2018 06:46

OP, I think times have changed a lot and probably in your MIL's generation, one parent (the DH) could work 9-5 in a fairly decent job and easily pay the mortgage and the family could have a good quality of life. This is not really the case anymore, especially in the south-east. It often takes two incomes just to make ends meet.

I would have suggested that maybe she felt a bit concerned for you - maybe she feels that the pace of your family life is too frenetic and she sees you struggling to juggle everything? However, if she more recently called you a terrible mother to boot, than that's another level. What does your DH have to say about that?

My DH (let alone MIL) would not have wanted me working away from the kids, but that was ok from my point of view because I wouldn't have had it any other way. The point is, nobody should have to put up with snide comments. Tell your DH to have sword with her.

sevenstars · 14/03/2018 06:46

A word - not a sword!