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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why would you want to work full time when your dh earns enough?

158 replies

NaiceToMeetYou · 09/03/2018 18:29

^ my dm. The woman who's been 'on the sick for 25 years. I'm neglecting my children apparently. Fwiw dh has a decent wage which pays the bills but we're by no means rich. I've always worked, only part time for the last few years and this new role is actually a promotion I was very proud of.
Wibu to tell her to piss off back to the 1950's?

OP posts:
g1itterati · 09/03/2018 20:21

It depends what you mean by "DH earns enough". How much is "enough?" This will vary, person to person.

For instance, I don't think I would have become a SAHM if the loss of my income had made a noticeable difference to the family finances. Well, maybe I would have stayed home while they were pre-school, but probably not long-term. I would have gone back to work if I felt I might be financially exposed in the event of a separation, or if I was worried about old age / pensions, etc. It's not about being in the 1950s - it's about the impact on the family's disposable income and the family wealth strategy and long-term asset planning.

reallyanotherone · 09/03/2018 20:34

This thread really shows for me the inequality in the workplace. It is mad how 99.9% of women give up work because wierdly, the dh always earns more....

Dh has found though that in his male dominated career at least, men aren’t allowed to work pt, and stuff like time off for kids is frowned upon.

FleetwoodSmack · 09/03/2018 20:38

Because the fact that a large baby emerged from me through a small incision did not mean I was any less career-minded or less invested in the career I had spent eight years at university qualifying for, and ten years building up. How much DH earns is completely irrelevant.
.

Bluntness100 · 09/03/2018 20:46

It is mad how 99.9% of women give up work because wierdly, the dh always earns more....

That's a thought provoking comment. It is a common dynamic. But I'm not sure it says anything about the workplace, more it says something about couple dynamics.

Maybe sub consciously women who want to give up look for a partner who they know earns enough to pay for them in thr future, irrelevant of how much that is, the old marrying well thing. They maybe want a partner who earns more than they do. And the man likes the partner earning less than him, makes him feel more successful. He also gets the little woman at home thing, like his mum as he was growing up doing his cooking and cleaning for him. Dunno, but it's an interesting comment because it is indeed a dynamic that's very common.

g1itterati · 09/03/2018 21:04

Being at home does not make you a "little woman". Hmm My DH respects me for it. There are "little" women and men in all walks of life - it's an attitude of mind.,

Bluntness100 · 09/03/2018 21:05

Ffs glitterati, I didn't say it did. Are you just looking for comments to be offended by? I was stating this could be some men's mindset in wanting a low earning partner.

Teateaandmoretea · 09/03/2018 21:08

We've always earned fairly equally. I've earned more at times, he's earned more at times.

Yanbu at all op, the idea that women's careers are over the second they have a child is Confused

g1itterati · 09/03/2018 22:05

Sorry Bluntness, I accept that. I just get tired of the type of terminology used in these discussions and the whole 1950s drivel.

goldentriangle · 09/03/2018 22:12

How are the women who do t work " just living off their partners"? They are presumably providing childcare that working families pay for , and possibly cleaning etc surely if you work and pay others for these roles you can't then say the stay at home parent is living off a partner?

Mrskeats · 09/03/2018 22:17

The 1950s reference are because during that time (and later) women had to give up work when they married and so were financially dependent on their husbands if they wanted to be or not. This made them trapped if the marriage was unhappy, for example. And it’s only recently that there has been fairness of split of assets in divorce, for example.
There are plenty of examples every week of women who are stuck because they gave up all financial independence.
Some people seem v touchy when this is mentioned.

goldentriangle · 09/03/2018 22:26

And more recently women feel obliged to work to maintain their careers who are also miserable and wish they could spend more time with their children. No one way equals happiness it's about choice individuality and not disrespecting others who make a different choice. Referencing 1950's is argumentative, there are couples who make a positive choice for one partner to be at home and take on all that responsibility and it's a positive respected choice for their family.

goldentriangle · 09/03/2018 22:31

bluntness I'm sorry that to you someone cooking and cleaning is a little woman. It's not viewed like that for many couples anymore than a man working is a wage slave/ worker rat. Both offensive but for many couples they respect and value each other's roles.

Mrskeats · 09/03/2018 22:37

I disagree that it’s argumentative. I think some people don’t realise how far we have come in the last 50 or 60 years. Women nor have choice. I think we just need to ensure that we protect ourselves. Be a working or sahp but just be aware of the consequences of those decisions is my view.
Admittedly I’m probably biased lately as a friend of mine has 4 kids and her partner has left her high and dry. They weren’t married and he’s self employed and has hidden assets. She gave up a high flying career so now what? Things can change so be prudent.

speakout · 09/03/2018 22:38

A risk I was willing to take.

RaindropsAndSparkles · 09/03/2018 22:40

Hmm. In 1995 I gave up work to be a SAHM because I wanted to. At thst time DH was not "rich" and we spent 18 months on brass tacks. I gave up six figure salary to be a sahm.

I went back to work 7 years later because I needed to for me. 7 years later DH was a very high earner. I did it for me and I tjink our marriage is better for it and the DC grew up mote resilient and independent.

Plus my pension and the joy of drawing out my own money and spending it.

Empower your daughters I say.

Custardo · 09/03/2018 22:42

tell her to fuck off

g1itterati · 09/03/2018 22:47

Sorry to hear about your friend Mrs Keats, but on the other hand, I know a few SAH women who are have been left very wealthy indeed following a divorce, far more so than if they had been working all those years. I don't recognise the stereotype of. The "trapped little women" with "no independence", wasted lives and doom and gloom. Mostly they're enjoying a lot of freedom and know exactly where they stand.

BrazzleDazzleDay · 09/03/2018 22:47

This thread has made me realise ive not had a 'proper' job in nearly 10 years, ive done freelance and bar work etc around dh for a few of them years but I cant believe its 10 years Shock

Im midway through my degree, youngest two will go to school on my final year, he has said hes happy for me to stay home.

I cant wait to get out there again, but ive certainly learnt from my parents who have always worked 6/7 days a week (dad does overnights then to next job) that work really isnt everything. My family means more

speakout · 09/03/2018 22:49

I've not had a "proper job" for 20 years. I am having a blast.

Mrskeats · 09/03/2018 22:53

That wealthy after divorce comment has really depressed me.
I’m with you rainbow

ceeveebee · 09/03/2018 22:54

Well I manage to work part time (4 days a week) and still earn almost double what my DH earns for his fulltime job so maybe he should give up work instead!

allinclusive · 09/03/2018 23:14

Surely she should be suggesting that you and DH both go part time? I'm in a similar position to yourself, and told DH that if he thinks I work too much and need to spend more time at home then he needs to scale back his career and take up the slack at home himself. I'm part time as it is.

I normally respond with ' I don't feel the need to justify why I work'.

Momo27 · 09/03/2018 23:18

My dh earns enough for us to live on his salary and vice versa. Doesn’t mean either of us should give up!

Sounds like on some level she’s jealous if she’s been unemployed 25 years and is seeing you being offered a promotion.

Tell her to fuck off

topsyandtimison · 13/03/2018 08:38

My husband earns enough to support both of us. I have lots of time with my little one and would not change a thing. Have no desire to go back to work, they are only little once and being with my little one more important to me at this stage. Everyone different though but I love being a SAHP and don't see why i would work when I don't need to.

Sashkin · 13/03/2018 08:47

I’d be more than happy to stay PT forever if we could afford it. But I’m a doctor, so three days a week plus on calls is still over 40 hrs a week Angry

Quite happy for DH to go PT too - he dropped to three days a week when I was on mat leave so he could spend more time with DS, and he is finding the switch back to FT employment pretty hard too Grin

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