DH forces me to get a driver's license

[hairdressserintown]

DH and I have always wanted to buy a house on the countryside.

He has however recently started demanding that I get a driver's license before we proceed on the plans, so I can take DC to and from school, as it wouldn't be fair if he was to do all the school runs. Tbh this has never crossed my mind as I and DC get around fine on the bus or cycling. They are not in school yet though so dunno how it will be and I do work full time.

I'm terrified of the thought of driving a car and he knows this. It never appealed to me. Although never diagnosed, I also struggle with simple things in my day to day life, such as telling left/right apart, telling the clock, etc. I also get very easily confused and cannot follow a lot of simple , especially verbal and visual instructions. I need a lot of things in text for it to make sense in my head. It seems so dumb but I dread the thought of driving a car with my DC and potentially putting them at risk.

He says I am selfish for not even giving it a try and refuses to talk about moving until I get it sorted. AIBU?

I absolutely see your DH's POV and in itself it isn't unreasonable, but every driving instructor I've ever known well enough to chat at length to (a handful!) has said that a small but significant proportion of people are ultimately just entirely unsuited to driving, always will be no matter the rigour of training or caliber of instructor, and for the safety of all should really not try and force themselves to be drivers.

Posted too quickly there!

If you feel you are indeed a member of this category - and I would suspect that you are, although another shot might be worth a go - then looking at this practically, you will have to shelve living somewhere remote. It is absolutely true that being the sole driver can be a source of stress and misery, but ultimately if your fear is too fundamental to be shaken then to be blunt you'd be a danger on the road. It's no small responsibility being a driver and very much up to you whether or not you attempt to take it on, at the end of the day.

I live in the countryside and I don't drive. I get about quite well on public transport. Even holidays abroad. Tonight after a night out is the 2nd time in 5 years that I've used a taxi. Public transport differs depending on where you move to, and you can research bus time tables online before you move so you know which places have good transport links and which don't.

Your husband sounds awful though, belittling you and pressuring you into doing something that you have good reason not to do.

Perhaps in time as you get older and other things work out (diagnosis, divorce, better self esteem etc) you'll have the confidence to learn to drive but I think doing it now just because your husband is putting you under pressure is the absolute worst thing for you to do.

Given there are only a few houses it would be too outing.

If you are dyslexic (I am and have some of your symptoms)It may take longer, but I am sure you will be able to learn. It helped ds when I gave him some lessons bc I understood his confusion.

You need to drive if you live out off bus line.

We live in the countryside and whilst it’s lovely it would be impossible without a car. We are four miles to the nearest (corner!) shop, 1.5 miles to the primary school, 8 miles to the dentist, and so on.

The bus goes once an hour between 7am and 7pm is to get the kids to school for 9am I’d need to get the 7.38 bus there, then wait around for 50mins until school started. If the need to wait another 30mins to get the bus home. And repeat for the journey back.

Living in the countryside is incompatible with not driving, (unless you’re an old person who never goes out and is happy with a fortnightly Tesco delivery - many of our neighbours).

I don’t think dh is BU. It sounds like he’s being realistic. Which do you want more - to live in the countryside or hang onto your fears of driving?

I’ve just read many of the comments from people saying they ‘can’t drive through fear’. My dm was in this position for years then did something about it and has happily been driving for the last twenty years.

Whilst I’m sympathetic to your fears, that’s all they are. Essentially it’s all in your head and a little bit of NLP or hypnotherapy should sort it out. Very sad that you’re letting your lives be limited in this way when a solution is so simple.

I consider it unsafe for me to drive as i cant control my reactions to the fear and anxiety i feel.

I'm sorry you never got the support you needed to move on from this. Anxiety isn't something you get and then can never ever improve or get rid of. There are lots of therapies aimed at helping you to understand it and then be able to re engage with normal activities it's been holding you back from.

I'm not saying for a second I doubt what you say is true but I can see your husband's frustration if you have never tried to get help for the anxiety and try learn to drive. It's easy to say 'I can't' when someone else is doing it, but I often wonder whether those people think that drivers never had to overcome their own fear and anxiety to do so! Few people hop into a car the first time and feel totally chilled.

Can’t believe I’m reading some of these of these comments... poor lady, hairdresserintown.... you are obviously nervous as hell about it and struggle with a lot of daily things... you shouldn’t be trying to learn to drive as well! Driving is wonderful and great-for your independence but involves daily decision making and good eyesight and following instructions during the test.. could you put off this move for a while and get some adult education and therapy to get yourself in a better state of mind?? Also don’t put yourself down too much... EVERYONE has their skills and strengths...presumably your amazing with hair!! Good luck

If you feel you are too nervous to drive and you don’t want to learn, then don’t, but you may need to reconsider your plans as you may feel isolated living in the countryside without becoming a driver.

Therapy for anxiety is available on the NHS btw OP. If being nervous is playing a part in your decision not to drive.

Please don’t learn to drive, you sound like an accident waiting to happen!

My DS has dispraxia with similar symptoms, was told she would never drive. But there are coping mechanisms you can learn, she found a patient driving instructor and took a lot of time to practice driving and eventually passed the driving test.

It completely transformed her life and she actually really enjoys driving now and the independence it brings.

I did not drive until 35 and two kids. Similar story, my DH nagged me on the basis of practicality (school run, GP appointments, grocery shopping etc). Was a reluctant driver but looking back it did make a big positive change in the family’s life once I started driving and now, 3years on, I too really enjoy it.

DS = DSis

I failed my test three times and passed on the fourth. It's hard but I'm afraid learning to drive is a life skill you need as an adult. I was the only driver when I first got married and being the taxi driver everywhere is a nightmare and definitely not fair on your OH. Cowboy up and pass your test.

It's hard but I'm afraid learning to drive is a life skill you need as an adult.

This (and the other related) thread have been fascinating to me, I agree with you fully and wouldn't have believed the number of other grown adults who have somehow managed to get through life without learning. It's something I've seen once or twice in my life, but nowhere near as common as people here make out.

Hi OP, I’m a bit of a lurker but saw your post and wanted to say I think it sounds like you have dyspraxia. My son has been diagnosed with dyspraxia which is a neurological condition which affects lots of things like hand eye co/ordination, planning movements. There’s info on NHS choices. I agree learning to drive in an automatic would take the pressure off as it’s one less thing to think about. I think I have some dyspraxia traits myself (I mix up left and right, have bad co ordination and take in information better in a written form rather than verbally), and it took me 4 attempts to pass my test but I’m really glad I can drive as it gives me freedom. It makes a big difference having the right instructor - my first one was dreadful and really dented my confidence.

If you want more info about dyspraxia message me and I can give you the name of a Facebook group which offers loads of info and advice. I think they have specific info about getting diagnosed as an adult and also advice about learning to drive.

Hi op,

Have you had a look at a condition called auditory processing disorder? Similar to dyspraxia. I understand your reservations op as I feel the same. Good luck.

YABU.

Driving anxiety can be overcome - I achieved this when we moved to somewhere where two drivers was desirable as the public transport is shit! And roads dangerous for cycling.

I think you can’t be forced to drive (although agree with those saying to maybe try an automatic & looking into help for the anxiety around driving - driving is truly liberating) but I would not be moving to the country in your husband’s shoes either. Round here rural means a weekly bus service, not daily. I can’t see how it would be workable with children.

I remember my mum learning to drive in the 70’s because we’d moved to a village.

If you really can’t drive then I would shelve the moving plans.

IA with your DH. he's going to shlepping you all around all the time.

FWIW i have coordination issues like you describe and only could tell left and right (without stopping to think about it) once i learnt to drive although i took my test 5 times and had a good hundred+ hours of lessons i've now been driving 10 years and I'm very confident and have never injured my child or had an accident and i am quite good at parking now! i still drop stuff and break stuf and open doors into my head and walk into walls all the time though

My brain sounds a bit like yours! Funnily enough though I got very clear on my left and right when I learned to drive because you learn it in a kind of kinesthetic way and it sticks. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Driving gives you a lot of freedom and independence. I was in my thirties when I learned to desrice and very glad I did I love it. Go for it.

I know how you feel. I actually have got a license, after over 100 lessons, 2 failed tests and having to re-take the theory, as the first one has expired. I drove, hating every second of it, for about 2 years, before we had a baby. I was told I was a good and careful driver by my instructors and DH alike; only I knew that I didn't have a clue for the most of the time, and only by sheer luck didn't turn into the oncoming traffic on several occasions or suddenly get the priorities wrong at the roundabouts. These "blank moments" have never disappeared with experience. I also struggle to judge the speed, the distance and the intentions of the other cars, and that never got better with the experience either.

After the first baby, I stopped driving (a combination of sleep deprivation, the new - much harder to drive- car and the fear of killing the child) and never got back to it, 11 year on now. DH, quite rightly, is very annoyed. I hate myself for this, sometimes to the point of self-harm, but I know I'd rather jump of the bridge than potentially killing my kids in the car accident. I am constantly told "i just need practice" and "it's all in my head". People just don't understand, although they'd happily accept conditions like dyslexia, etc.

In your case, maybe it is worth a try, and you'd discover getting better at it with time, but if not - you are not on your own! Good luck and hope it works out well for you!

Desrice! “To drive”

I agree. If you wont even think about driving no way should you move to the country. You being very selfish to not try. Yabu and selfish as your poor husband be the only driver. Dont move to the country