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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH forces me to get a driver's license

426 replies

hairdressserintown · 09/03/2018 13:02

DH and I have always wanted to buy a house on the countryside.

He has however recently started demanding that I get a driver's license before we proceed on the plans, so I can take DC to and from school, as it wouldn't be fair if he was to do all the school runs. Tbh this has never crossed my mind as I and DC get around fine on the bus or cycling. They are not in school yet though so dunno how it will be and I do work full time.

I'm terrified of the thought of driving a car and he knows this. It never appealed to me. Although never diagnosed, I also struggle with simple things in my day to day life, such as telling left/right apart, telling the clock, etc. I also get very easily confused and cannot follow a lot of simple , especially verbal and visual instructions. I need a lot of things in text for it to make sense in my head. It seems so dumb but I dread the thought of driving a car with my DC and potentially putting them at risk.

He says I am selfish for not even giving it a try and refuses to talk about moving until I get it sorted. AIBU?

OP posts:

dingdongdigeridoo · 10/03/2018 11:46

Being in the countryside is a total pain without a car. When mine broke down I could do the school run on foot, but had to rely on DH for everything else. I couldn’t even get a pint of milk without asking him. 5 days without a car was enough. And if your DH is controlling then the situation will be awful.

Stay where you are for now and have a good think about your relationship. Spend the driving lesson money on therapy.

AnathemaPulsifer · 10/03/2018 11:49

This is also a man who keeps telling me to get tests done as I clearly have some kind of learning disabillity as I struggle so much every day with simple tasks

hate the idea of being potentially diagnosed with anything and my DH looking down on me. He sometimes likes to test my math skills - if we are having a conversation, he'd randomly ask me what 24+9 is, even though he knows I have no clue - and I find it so humiliating.

For these reasons and the general tone of your messages, your husband sounds very emotionally abusive. What do you want? Do you want to move away from your friends to a rural location where even if you can drive you'll probably be reluctant to go out because winding country lanes are unnerving in cars or on bikes?

SimonBridges · 10/03/2018 12:30

No Simon. But that's a separate issue from being expected to drive for a move rurally.

But the only reason the op is thinking of living rurally is because her DH wants it.

I agree that living rurally without being able to drive is a complete ball ache. However, reading more than the original post will tell you that it’s not really the question.

LimonViola · 10/03/2018 12:45

SimonBridges And yet her OP states they both want to move to the countryside, and it's only after a chorus of YABU she then added she doesn't really want to and it's more DH's wish....

user1495443009 · 10/03/2018 12:48

If you are moving to the country you will need to drive. You need to get a diagnosis with the GP for whatever you have then you know what help you need.

BanginChoons · 10/03/2018 12:51

OK your symptoms sound similar to mine and I have dyslexia. It took me ages to learn to drive and I hated it. But equally it is the best thing I ever did. With three round children it made my life so much easier. I live really and being able to drive has opened so many doors for me.

SimonBridges · 10/03/2018 12:53

SimonBridges And yet her OP states they both want to move to the countryside, and it's only after a chorus of YABU she then added she doesn't really want to and it's more DH's wish....

And then she added how her DH asks her random maths questions to make her feel stupid.

Honestly, what happened to ‘we believe you’?

blastomama · 10/03/2018 12:55

That doesn't mean we have to believe literally everything.

wentmadinthecountry · 10/03/2018 12:59

I live in the country. I absolutely could not cope without a car - it's very hard with children, particularly when they start to go out independently. You'll spend hours in the car, especially if they cut your bus route.

Slippery · 10/03/2018 13:00

OP, I hate driving too. It took me four attempts to pass my test. I've been driving now for 25 years, and still hate it. But I live in a rural area, so it really is a necessity.

However, you can compromise on "countryside" by living in a rural village that has a school , is on a bus route and has a shop, so you're okay to get the children to school without a car.

So you if you could find a village like this, you could continue as a non-driver, but take your time to try to pass your test. It gives you so much more independence.

Nkhutch · 10/03/2018 13:09

In one way I can understand where your dh is coming from, however if you are generally really scared of driving he can't force you. But you need to consider how you would get about. If you move near a school that's fine but if not you need to have a plan

Dancingmonkey87 · 10/03/2018 13:10

I’m dyslexic and passed my test 7 months ago! I had been learning on and off and aged 30 I passed. Personally I think it depends on your instructor. I also got my left and right mixed up.

AcrossthePond55 · 10/03/2018 13:11

Another thing to think about hairdresser is that if you DO decide to get your license, that it doesn't mean that you'll be taking off on a 1500 mile road trip on crowded motorways. You can limit your 'driving area'. As my mum got older (and a bit less confident behind the wheel) she started adapting to it by first stopping driving after dark, then stopping driving on the (Calif) freeways, then finally only driving to certain familiar close locations (my house, grocery store, church). She was 89 when she finally quit driving!

So if you do get a license, chances are you will be able to so something similar; school run, shops, doctor's. As you build confidence you can enlarge your 'driving universe'.

But first, please see your doctor about testing regarding any physical problems. If nothing else, it may shut your DH up about driving if the Dr says you do have limitations or it will shut him up trying to 'label' you if you don't!

Skiiltan · 10/03/2018 13:26

It depends on what you mean by "in the countryside". If you mean a large village (with shops) or small town somewhere pretty, it might be possible as long as there is decent school transport provided. However, it's difficult to buy houses in places like this as so many people want them for holiday lets. If you mean a small village with few or no facilities, I think it would be impossible without your own transport. Most such places have been taken over by people who work some distance away and don't support local businesses, which therefore close.

You can't rely on buses in the country. Where I used to live there was one bus a day to the nearest town; after I'd been there a couple of years this was cut to one bus a week. Cycling is dangerous owing to reckless drivers and lack of street lighting. While there might be school buses if you're more than a certain distance from the nearest school, this would still leave you very isolated.

KickAssAngel · 10/03/2018 13:52

You mention finding some land to build on. Have you ever done that before? Do you have a lot of money and can you afford somewhere to live while the building takes place?

your DH sounds like a really nasty bully, btw. Perhaps he can feck off to the country by himself, and you stay where you're happy with the DCs. Maybe if you didn't have a great big bully breathing down your neck, your anxiety would drop and you'd be able to do half the stuff that bothers you right now.

Send him on a long weekend somewhere to find his country idyll, and see how you feel without him around.

CPtart · 10/03/2018 13:53

I've seen two women recently who didn't ever learn to drive, their husbands have left them/are now unable to drive due to illness and they are struggling massively. It's so restrictive. Think long term. Your DC will want running around increasingly as they get older, it really isn't fair to expect this of only one parent. What if your DH was ever not around for any length of time?
It took me four attempts to pass my test and thirty years on I'm so glad I persevered.
Try an automatic?

zinutujor · 10/03/2018 14:16

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

PoorYorick · 10/03/2018 16:23

If your husband is a turd, being able to drive is a very good thing.

Oliversmumsarmy · 10/03/2018 19:03

For those that said it was not possible to live in a rural hamlet 25 minutes drive from Oxford Street I can assure you it is possible.

There is countryside very close to Central London.

PoorYorick · 10/03/2018 19:48

Where?

YesitsJacqueline · 10/03/2018 19:54

Op I am like you . I cannot drive , I have tried and failed many times and the thought gives me anxiety.
For this reason I would not even contemplate moving to the country side.

TentUpFirstBunkUpLater · 10/03/2018 19:55

Many of you are ignoring the OP's difficulties especially the post at the below time
Fri 09-Mar-18 14:56:17

YOU are the turds

@hairdressserintown

LoniceraJaponica · 10/03/2018 20:18

"For those that said it was not possible to live in a rural hamlet 25 minutes drive from Oxford Street I can assure you it is possible."

I'm struggling to believe that there is a rural hamlet a 25 minute drive from Oxford Street in normal daytime traffic conditions.

TalkinPeace · 10/03/2018 20:59

There is countryside very close to Central London.
Using this website
www.commutefrom.com/
I call bullshit

train in 30 mins maybe but not drive

Rainbunny · 10/03/2018 21:00

Sorry but I strongly think you shouldn't move to a rural area if you can't drive, for your DC sake if nothing else. My parents moved us all to the countryside when I was young and it totally impacted my childhood in a negative way. Both my parents can drive but my dad worked long hours and my mum really disliked driving when she didn't have to and very early on refused to give me or my sibling lifts to sports clubs/guides/friend's houses etc... which all required a car ride because we were in the bloody countryside. I hated weekends as I never saw my friends and couldn't go anywhere. I changed from a confident extrovert into a shy introvert with nothing to do but read books. I will NEVER do this to my own children and there's a part of me that will never forgive my parents for uprooting us from our pleasant town life to the countryside to live the rural dream - which ironically left my parents more isolated and lonely than they had expected as well. Within two years of me and my sibling going to university my parents upped and moved back to a town.

Also, please consider what you plan to do if there is an emergency and your DH isn't around?

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