I’ve lost haven’t I? He’s got what he wanted

[CatLadyToddlerMother]

On Sunday afternoon I was attacked by my husband and he threatened to kill me.

On the advise of the police I left my home with my DD who played two foot from us when this happened.

And I haven’t been back. Because he has. And it doesn’t feel fair. The tenancy is in joint names so he can’t be evicted, and he has the legal right to live there. He won’t sign the form to have his name taken off the tenancy so I can move in.

I’m trying to get an occupancy order but a solicitor won’t act until I can prove I’m entitled to Legal Aid, which I can’t as all my benefits letters are at my flat which I’ve been advised not to go back to by the Housing Association and the Police - I don’t work as DD has a few extra needs so claims DLA and CTC which is my entitlement to LA. I’m waiting for Women’s Aid to assign me a Support Worker so I can prove it another way but they’ve told me as I’m not in immediate danger it could take up to 3 weeks. The housing association have no legal obligation to house DD and I while my name is on that tenancy, and if I sign my name off the tenancy they can place me anywhere in the county which takes me away from my mum and brother (I’m living there atm) who are my biggest support at the moment.

I feel like I’ve lost. He gets to break the law, and still wins. I can’t go out on my own because I’m so scared, I tried to get to DDs Nursery alone yesterday morning and got a quarter of the way and had to call them saying I couldn’t get any further. They were lovely and bought the Nursery car and a car seat and took us both to the Nursery but walking back alone I was shaking and it took ages to get home. My mum had to pick DD up from Nursery.

It’s so unfair. I can’t live like this for another month. My DDs got no toys or clothes, and I feel guilty using my mums bread and milk and food when she’s on a low income herself. I just want to go home.

He’s won hasn’t he? I’m up shit creek without a paddle, still liable for a flat I don’t live in and have no money or clothes.

I feel like such a crap mum, I’ve let my DD down, has I ignored the police and stayed home he wouldn’t have been allowed back and then he’d have had to have tried to get me out which with me having DD would have been hard for him to do.

And I’m so worried he’s going to petition the courts for access to our DD, I don’t like her being out of my sight atm but I know he’s her dad and I can’t stop him seeing her (I never would but I just want time to get my head together and have a home)

LittleOwl Nursery have been told by Social Services not to release to her dad so no worries there.

Account is completely locked, money is locked in the account. ExH has said he's opened a new account as of today. I have my own account that I've always had the DLA/CTC/CB paid into.

My flat is secure, it's in a block which you need a keyfob thing to access then I have my own front door which I've had the locks changed on and I keep locked. He gave me the fob and keys back but had the locks changed anyway, and the key fobs have to be activated by a company that come out and do it occasionally and can only be ordered/book through the HA so there's little to no chance of them getting in.

Sounds good CatLady! So you are secure at home dd is secure at nursery, your immediate finances sound secure and you have plans to finish that. Now you need to work on your head - find yourself some secure/happy space! :) You are doing so well.

He’s trying to make out I’m the one that’s lost it now...he’s phoning the Social Worker tomorrow to “express concern for mine and DDs welfare as I’m behaving irrationally” he’s really desperate for that money isn’t he?

He’s unhinged - keep the messages about the money. Think about it - he’s said he won’t see his DD until you give him money! He wants to be paid to see his child! The social worker will love that I’m sure.

I feel like I've lost everytime he tells me he won't see DD until I give him what he wants (the bank account back).

Why? He's the one who is losing out. Let him call the social worker as much as he likes, I'm sure they hear this kind of thing all the time from vindictive ex's. Just make sure you sound calm and collected when you next speak to the social worker, and explain what provoked his phone call.

my mum has rung me shouting that I best not bring trouble to her door...

Your mother sounds like the type who loves drama, the ones who shout about it loudest usually do. So don't give her anything to get stuck in to. Tell her to block them, and just say she doesn't know anything.

Just ignore ignore ignore

KOKO

He's gone to SS? i think if they had a £ for every Ex who (maliciously) claimed the OH was 'unhinged' they wouldn't need funding from the Gov! They've heard it all before, and they have proof that he is the unhinged one! Don't worry yourself about that.

Re your mother - I'd def go LC. After all, she can't complain - she's asked that you 'don't bring trouble' and you can't if you see her v little.

Re his family - there are things you can do - police, solicitors letter, non-mol. Your sol should advise

Have spoken to my doctor this morning (planned call anyway) and I told her what's been happening and she's happy to tell SS that while I am anxious and understandably depressed I have not told her anything that would cause her to be concerned for either mine or DDs welfare. She's taking me off the sleeping tablets as they're not actually helping, but keeping me on the antidepressants.

Social Worker is coming over at about 1pm, but she's also going to have the Health Visitor with her because HV wanted to check DD was ok.

Had a message from Ex-FIL this morning threatening to take DD from Nursery if I don't sign the forms to unblock the bank account - bar the fact DD is here with me as Thursday isn't a Nursery day, he's never been to the Nursery before so wouldn't be known to staff to get her anyway. And the ExH asking me what it would take for me to unblock them. I've ignored both.

*Unblock the account

Well done. Good luck with the HV and SW, I'm sure that, like your gp, they will have no concerns about you (but might about ex). Keep a note of all contacts, how did he contact you this time? And exFIL? If they're texts keep them, possibly show them to SW and HV too, in fact definitely show them.

I find the idea of keeping your daughter from you in laws is horrific. She is their granddaughter and part of the family.

I get you are angry and upset. If you don't trust her not to have your ex there find a neutral venue such as a park or soft play.

Do you know how MiL feels about this? If either of my son's did anything like this I would be so angry I'd cut them out of my life in favour of my DiL an grandchildren.

You've lost your ex please don't make you daughter lose other loving family members

Had a message from Ex-FIL this morning threatening to take DD from Nursery if I don't sign the forms to unblock the bank account

I find the idea of keeping your daughter from you in laws is horrific. She is their granddaughter and part of the family.

WTF? The family that are talking about abducting this small child with additional needs from nursery as blackmail? I don't think she's missing much.

goose - pardon? Did you actually read the OP? The poster was attacked by her husband, in front of the child - this is abuse to both OP and child.

You've lost your ex - she's 'lost' him? No, she has quite rightly removed him from being able to abuse her and her child any more. The Ex will not be able to have unsupervised access to the child - on account of the ABUSE he committed ON THAT CHILD!

I find the idea of keeping your daughter from you in laws is horrific. She is their granddaughter and part of the family. Grandparents do not have any right of access to grandchildren. 'Horrific' is what the Ex has done to OP and their child. And is still doing. Why don't you reserve your sympathy for them?

If either of my son's did anything like this I would be so angry I'd cut them out of my life in favour of my DiL an grandchildren. - then I suggest you teach your sons that abusing the mother of their children, and abusing the children, will result in consequences, like you not having any right to see your grandchildren.

None of this is OPs fault. She is removing a source of abuse from her home, ad from her child's life. THIS IS A GOOD THING! As shown by the support of the SS in not allowing Ex to have access unsupervised, and not being able to collect his child form nursery etc.

Fuckin hell, I've read some victim blaming and violence-excusers on here, but you take the fucking biscuit! - there you go. Educate yourself on violence and abuse.

Elisen - spot on

Goose do you really expect OP to allow her in laws to take the child when her fil is threatening to take a sn child from nursery against her mother's wishes just because she has - at the advice of her solicitor - blocked a bank account? Does that show any love/respect for the child? Or does it continue with the fathers attitude of he wont see the child until the account is unblocked? So £500 or whetever he thinks he can clear from the account is more important than the child's safety?

Well said Elisen

Goose please read a thread before commenting on such delicate manners.

Ugh there's always apologists!

Goose - victim blaming dangerous ridiculous nonsense from you. The op is also understandably SCARED both for her own safety and that of her child - none of which the ex or in laws give a stuff about! If ex fil did take child from nursery for financial gain I'd call that kidnapping and holding to ransom!

Elisen - another saying very well said

I am ignoring pathetic comments.

I'm actually so happy right now. Both the HV and SW have said they have absolutely no concerns about my abilities as either a mother or to keep DD safe, the Nursery have said that I am a good mother and have always been open and honest with them about DD and the things happening in my life and are encouraging me to ask for any further help I need with childcare as they'll happily oblige.

ExH didn't call the Social Worker but she says if he does then she wants to ask him why he continues to harass me and allows his family to harass me and my mum when he should be working to sort his own mental health so that he can parent his daughter. SW is backing my decision to block the account and says if her marriage broke up then she'd have any joint accounts blocked to decide her next move too, health visitor agreed with her as well.

Big weight lifted off my shoulders, as I've also been told that ExH could be seen as putting DD at risk if he takes her from Nursery as he won't have any of her medication at his house and while he could get it from the Doctors it takes 48 hours to process a prescription so it would need to either pre-meditated or he'd have to wait. She needs an orange inhaler 3 times a day, if she even misses one dose she gets really ill and generally ends up in hospital. GP has put a note on DDs medical notes that if anyone orders the prescription it goes through her first, and she will only prescribe it on my say so, so basically I'll be contacted if he tries anything.

And this is why people who don't have the first clue what they're talking about really shouldn't comment on these threads.

The police were very wrong hete,going on what you have said,unless you refused to make a complaint,but still be committed an offence and should have been arrested regardless of your complaint

If you'd read the thread, you'd see the ex was arrested. Even if he wasn't, the police have to abide by Code G of PACE. There has to be other criteria than just committing an offence, in order to arrest someone.

he would have,if sufficient evidence,been charged and held over for court the next day,then later released by the court with bail conditions not to go to the home address or contact you directly or indirectly
Nope, not all DV charges result in overnight remands to court. I'd say less than 30% do.

In your position is make contact with your local police,state that you wish to make a complaint of assault and that you are unhappy with the action taken by the police i.e.none,they didn't do their jobs

She made a complaint of assault. He was investigated, charged and given a caution. How did the police not do their jobs?

For immediate help contact your local women s aid they will go with you to collect paperwork if you really need it before the police arrest him.
I've never known them to do this at all. The police will, however it will be at a time suitable to them (resources dependant)

To allow him to remain comfortable at home whilst you and a small child are homeless is a disgrace and the officers should be spoken to by their Sgt.
Why? For following the law? Post charge the police cannot dictate where the suspect goes or lives

Make it clear that if charging him you want the above bail conditions

He was charged. Bail conditions are therefore irrelevant. Even if he wasn't charged and was waiting for court/charging decision, the bail act has stopped police bail for all but the most very serious of offences. The victim also doesn't get to demand bail conditions in any of those cases.

**

OP ignoring the amateur Rumpole of the Bailey here, are you sure the officers said they're not treating it as a domestic? The fact you were arguing is irrelevant. It would still be treated as a domestic by government guidelines which can't be ignored. That sounds very very wrong to me.

CatLady, I am so pleased for you that you were able to get him evicted. I will just echo what everyone else is saying. You have done the right thing. I'm living in an abusive relationship and apparently 'not violent' enough for any change to happen. In order to 'protect' myself and my ds, I was told not to 'antagonise' him by womens aid..and so, he keeps taking advantage of us and I shut up and watch. I have nowhere to go. I don't know how far will this go. I called the police too. They fucked up. They took too long to take actions for fear of repercussions and ncdv said too many days passed by. More than 2 weeks. I tried to get a social worker onboard but ss did not take the case. Now my stbeh or so I wish, is warned and careful in his approach. He won't leave the property. Financial abuse, etc. I feel such a shit mum too everyday for not being able to do better for my ds. It's eating me up. You've secured a safe place for your dd. So you're not s shit mum.

Finally heard from Women's Aid, seeing them next week. So anxious right now and today hasn't helped.

Considering calling the police on Ex-FIL he's bordering on harassment now, 3 phonecalls and multiple texts today. And he's not repeatedly ringing me. I've turned my phone off to stop it, but might just call 101 when DDs in bed to see what they say. But I'm worried about adding fuel to the fire iyswim.

Why don't you block his number?

I have twice and he keeps ringing and texting me from various other numbers.

Sod it, ordered a new simcard and will put this one I have in my old phone, ExH can contact me on there and I'll give a new number to those I want to have it.

That's a very sensible decision!