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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I’ve lost haven’t I? He’s got what he wanted

994 replies

CatLadyToddlerMother · 08/03/2018 09:15

On Sunday afternoon I was attacked by my husband and he threatened to kill me.

On the advise of the police I left my home with my DD who played two foot from us when this happened.

And I haven’t been back. Because he has. And it doesn’t feel fair. The tenancy is in joint names so he can’t be evicted, and he has the legal right to live there. He won’t sign the form to have his name taken off the tenancy so I can move in.

I’m trying to get an occupancy order but a solicitor won’t act until I can prove I’m entitled to Legal Aid, which I can’t as all my benefits letters are at my flat which I’ve been advised not to go back to by the Housing Association and the Police - I don’t work as DD has a few extra needs so claims DLA and CTC which is my entitlement to LA. I’m waiting for Women’s Aid to assign me a Support Worker so I can prove it another way but they’ve told me as I’m not in immediate danger it could take up to 3 weeks. The housing association have no legal obligation to house DD and I while my name is on that tenancy, and if I sign my name off the tenancy they can place me anywhere in the county which takes me away from my mum and brother (I’m living there atm) who are my biggest support at the moment.

I feel like I’ve lost. He gets to break the law, and still wins. I can’t go out on my own because I’m so scared, I tried to get to DDs Nursery alone yesterday morning and got a quarter of the way and had to call them saying I couldn’t get any further. They were lovely and bought the Nursery car and a car seat and took us both to the Nursery but walking back alone I was shaking and it took ages to get home. My mum had to pick DD up from Nursery.

It’s so unfair. I can’t live like this for another month. My DDs got no toys or clothes, and I feel guilty using my mums bread and milk and food when she’s on a low income herself. I just want to go home.

He’s won hasn’t he? I’m up shit creek without a paddle, still liable for a flat I don’t live in and have no money or clothes.

I feel like such a crap mum, I’ve let my DD down, has I ignored the police and stayed home he wouldn’t have been allowed back and then he’d have had to have tried to get me out which with me having DD would have been hard for him to do.

And I’m so worried he’s going to petition the courts for access to our DD, I don’t like her being out of my sight atm but I know he’s her dad and I can’t stop him seeing her (I never would but I just want time to get my head together and have a home)

OP posts:
Original poster
CatLadyToddlerMother · 17/03/2018 22:46

BirdShit I'm now home with my DD but thank you. Yes the police have it on record but they're not treating it as a Domestic Violence case because we were arguing.

OP posts:
Original poster
CatLadyToddlerMother · 18/03/2018 12:15

Decided to take DD for a play in the snow which is my achievement of the day! Only went as far as the park which is sort of opposite our block of flats but you go off our road, turn down onto a little footpath and walk for about 2 mins to get to it, but it can actually be seen from our kitchen window.

Got back and DD is now having a nap after her lunch. Have let me rules on food slip a bit while we settle down so she's has a cheese spread sandwich, cucumber sticks and a mini milky way bar as that's what she wanted.

OP posts:
elisenbrunnen · 18/03/2018 17:21

It's lovely to be 'normal' isn't it? I hope it continues.

Have you heard from him?

Original poster
CatLadyToddlerMother · 18/03/2018 18:26

I have, but only to be told he into my dad, who I rarely see or speak to. Apparently my dad glared at him, so he reckons my brother has told him as my brother sees him a lot more than I do.

OP posts:
Original poster
CatLadyToddlerMother · 18/03/2018 18:27

*he bumped into

OP posts:
Original poster
CatLadyToddlerMother · 19/03/2018 13:06

I am about to cut my mother out completely...

Moaning that I only got her a card for Mother's Day, apparently after everything she's done for me she should at least have got some flowers. And apparently I am also responsible for the fact my brother completely forgot to get her even a card Angry. Anyone would think I'd told her I was growing a 2nd head the way she's going on.

OP posts:
MrsMozart · 19/03/2018 14:12

Goodness me. Not the most supportive family.

Do what you need to do to get through this period lass.

Original poster
CatLadyToddlerMother · 19/03/2018 16:04

Just spoken to my downstairs neighbour for the first time since the incident. She asked I I was ok as she’d seen the police here when it first happened, so told her what happened.

She’s offered to babysit for DD if I ever need and says she was a single parent to two from when her youngest was 5 and while it was hard she said it was so much easier than being with their dad.

Feeling ok today. Bought myself a Bluetooth speaker for the kitchen and room DD swimming, which she loved! She threw a tantrum when we got out of the pool because she didn’t want to leave. Definitely taking her again Grin

OP posts:
Jux · 20/03/2018 11:15

That all sounds good. You're on the up now. So glad your neighbour is understanding and helpful.

MrsMozart · 20/03/2018 13:09

Sounds like an excellent day lass.

elisenbrunnen · 20/03/2018 14:12

A bit of distance from your mother sounds good. Does she actually do much for you or your dc? In other words - is it going to hurt her more than you if you go LC?

I'm completely NC with Father and sis and LC with brother and mother. I built a strong network of supportive friends who have done more for me than family ever did. I hope you can do the same.

Original poster
CatLadyToddlerMother · 20/03/2018 14:26

Very LC with my father anyway due to a falling out while I was pregnant. We never got on well anyway, so no major loss in my life and he's only met DD once when I bumped into him at a hospital appointment (he still lives in the local area, not exactly sure where though)

My mum I see once a week but she doesn't actually have DD on her own ever or very rarely as she can't manage her extra needs well. I do borrow my mums car a lot though as I drive but don't own a car as I can't afford it all by myself, but I'm perfectly able to get public transport and can make other arrangements for when I desperately need the car (hire one etc).

OP posts:
AnxiousAllTheTimeNow · 20/03/2018 14:58

OP I've just read through the whole thread, I just wanted to say wow!! You've done SO well! I really admire your bravery and strength.
Did you sort out the housing association issues?

Original poster
CatLadyToddlerMother · 20/03/2018 17:41

Nope not sorted them yet, my solicitor has never heard of a transfer order, so doesn't know why the Housing Association are going on about it. I've put it on the back burner for a bit while I rebuild myself a bit.

He's still not happy about this bank account. He says it's his money and I'm not entitled to it, but from what my solicitor says it classes as savings so would class as an asset when we get divorced.

I don't feel strong. I was supposed to tidy the flat today while DD was at Nursery I managed two jobs; the cat litter tray and putting bleach in the toilet. I feel so weak and like crying most of the time. I also feel my anxiety levels rising whenever I tell DD off, but I'm trying not to let the quiver appear in my voice because if it does then I'm afraid I'll let her get away with whatever it is she's done.

I still jump everytime the intercom buzzer goes, I cry if I see his name on my phone, I am sick being in the same vicinity as ExH. He's calling me vindictive and a bad mother, saying he wishes he'd never married me. I feel like I've lost everytime he tells me he won't see DD until I give him what he wants (the bank account back).

I cry for what I thought we had, we had our problems like any couple, but all the problems could have been sorted with parenting classes. He's never been violent like this before. I do hope he comes out the other side of this never doing this again to whoeever he's with next and he becomes the dad to DD that he needs to be.

OP posts:
Jux · 20/03/2018 18:39

Maybe you just need to cry a bit; take some time out when dd's at nursery, and pamper yourself a bit. I think getting some bleach down the loo and dealing with the litter tray is basically the important hygeinic stuff, and once you've dealt with it, well, yes. Time for you.

It won't always be like this. You won't always be exhausted by your emotions. In the meantime, be gentle.. You are a wounded sparrow who needs some tlc. Give it to yourself.

One big job a day or a couple of small ones.

FancyNewBeesly · 20/03/2018 18:44

You are an amazing mother. I watched my step dad beat the crap out of my mum for years, then he started on me so she threw him out - for a day. This is hellish and awful but it’s temporary, and her life will be so much better because of you. You may feel he has won but he hasn’t - he’s lost everything. My father, who I haven’t seen for decades, is now a lonely old man who wasn’t even invited to his own sons funeral and will never meet his grandchildren.

Motoko · 21/03/2018 09:56

Just do the basics to keep the kitchen and bathroom clean for now. You're still reeling from what happened, so take one day at a time.

Speak to your GP and ask to be referred for therapy, although you'll have to wait a while as the waiting lists are so long, the sooner you get on the list, the better. I think it will help you to process things.

Get a cucumber, then when you have had a cry, cut a couple of slices, then lie back with the slices on your eyes. They'll be cooling and will help with the puffiness.

Remember, it's still all very new, but know that you will get through this, and you have a happy life to come.

Original poster
CatLadyToddlerMother · 21/03/2018 12:41

This is getting messy...

ExH has got his parents to message my mum about the blocked bank account and my mum has rung me shouting that I best not bring trouble to her door...

OP posts:
MrsMozart · 21/03/2018 12:56

Well that's all a bugger lass.

Blank your mum. Tell the ex-laws it's nothing to do with them.

Jux · 21/03/2018 13:02

Flying monkeys - the call of the desperate.

As MrsMozart said. If it continues can your solicitor write a letter telling him to stop? And tell your mum that it's nothing compared to what you've had to deal with, and aren't families meant to support each other? Also, how does she expect you to control him.

Keep notes, with dates, though. Diarise everything.

NotAnotherNoughtiesTune · 21/03/2018 13:42

Your Mum is a nasty peace of work herself.

No wonder you put up with crap from ex when you've probably had a life of emotional abuse from her.

Get a new phone and only give the number to those you want to have it. Otherwise, blank the lot of them.

TatianaLarina · 21/03/2018 13:42

Now seems like a good time to block your mum.

elisenbrunnen · 21/03/2018 14:43

Agreed. Block your mum, or get another SIMcard and tell her that number. Use it for her and fit it once a month to read any messages.

Re him - your solicitor should be fielding any queries about the marital assets. Refer anyone who asks, to your solicitor. End of.

Mxyzptlk · 21/03/2018 18:13

I guess your Mum is scared that Ex and his family of bullies are going to harass her.
No excuse for getting on to you like that, though.

LittleOwl153 · 21/03/2018 18:39

Have you got access to the shared account - or is it totally locked? What has happened to the money in it? If it is still there can the solicitor arrange to have the money split, or the money moved to another locked account, but the account released - with your name removed. I'm thinking that whilst you do dnot owe him anything I can see why not being able to access your only functioning account would cause problems. (I guess he can open his own though).

I can see that your mother doesn't want to get hassle fro his parents but she just needs to say nothing to do with me. Speak to solicitor about blocking them from contacting you/Her if need be. And yes, get a new phone/number but keep the old one as an 'idiot' phone so you can contact when you choose - switch it off until then though!

Make sure younger secure at home if they are likely to visit. And make sure nursery know not to release to anyone but you. Not sure they can stop her dad from taking her if it has pr but they can stop his parents eta.