I’ve lost haven’t I? He’s got what he wanted

[CatLadyToddlerMother]

On Sunday afternoon I was attacked by my husband and he threatened to kill me.

On the advise of the police I left my home with my DD who played two foot from us when this happened.

And I haven’t been back. Because he has. And it doesn’t feel fair. The tenancy is in joint names so he can’t be evicted, and he has the legal right to live there. He won’t sign the form to have his name taken off the tenancy so I can move in.

I’m trying to get an occupancy order but a solicitor won’t act until I can prove I’m entitled to Legal Aid, which I can’t as all my benefits letters are at my flat which I’ve been advised not to go back to by the Housing Association and the Police - I don’t work as DD has a few extra needs so claims DLA and CTC which is my entitlement to LA. I’m waiting for Women’s Aid to assign me a Support Worker so I can prove it another way but they’ve told me as I’m not in immediate danger it could take up to 3 weeks. The housing association have no legal obligation to house DD and I while my name is on that tenancy, and if I sign my name off the tenancy they can place me anywhere in the county which takes me away from my mum and brother (I’m living there atm) who are my biggest support at the moment.

I feel like I’ve lost. He gets to break the law, and still wins. I can’t go out on my own because I’m so scared, I tried to get to DDs Nursery alone yesterday morning and got a quarter of the way and had to call them saying I couldn’t get any further. They were lovely and bought the Nursery car and a car seat and took us both to the Nursery but walking back alone I was shaking and it took ages to get home. My mum had to pick DD up from Nursery.

It’s so unfair. I can’t live like this for another month. My DDs got no toys or clothes, and I feel guilty using my mums bread and milk and food when she’s on a low income herself. I just want to go home.

He’s won hasn’t he? I’m up shit creek without a paddle, still liable for a flat I don’t live in and have no money or clothes.

I feel like such a crap mum, I’ve let my DD down, has I ignored the police and stayed home he wouldn’t have been allowed back and then he’d have had to have tried to get me out which with me having DD would have been hard for him to do.

And I’m so worried he’s going to petition the courts for access to our DD, I don’t like her being out of my sight atm but I know he’s her dad and I can’t stop him seeing her (I never would but I just want time to get my head together and have a home)

It sounds like ex FiL is stoking up the fire, all on his own, especially if his texts are threatening, like the one you quoted earlier.

Yes, excellent idea re the phone. And you don't have to check it, or don't look at all - you have no need to after all. Just make sure that anyone you give the new number to really, really won't pass it on to ex (or mil/fil etc) even by mistake.

Great news about the hv and sw. Well done there! So they have no worries about you! Remember that - the people who actually know have no worries about your ability to look after your child and keep her safe.

The Nursery agrees, and said they will help if you need it.
WA are coming online and you'll see them next week.
You have a solicitor who is on board.
Your mum is helping you.

You have no need to worry about those idiots associated with ex or with ex himself. They are shooting themselves. Let them. Don't delete anything from that phone, but don't wwaste your time looking att it unless you have to.

Look out world! Hannabee's coming!

Keep it up, love. You will find the serenity you need.

I would contact the police CatLady and keep them in touch with the actions of FIL. Changing your simcard is sensible and will allow you to answer your phone worry free, checking the other one when you need to.

I worry that FIL will think he can just turn up if he can’t get you by phone though. I know he can’t get in but with your mother’s stance, and the potential for increasing frustration in your FIL it would be better if the police knew now that he is making so many attempts to contact you and that’s you are having to take evasive action.

You are being so strong and careful and methodical in your actions at the moment. Well done. One step at a time will get you there.

Just wanted to say that you are doing really well. I am very impressed by all you have done. Just take all of the help you can get for now, look after yourselves and don't bother with people who aren't good for you. Life can be so much better , take care. Big hugs.

OP just seen that you get DLA for your DD and income support. Have you applied for Carer's Allowance? You can get if you're on a low income/income support and caring for someone getting DLA. It lessens how much income support you get a little but you work out much better off!

She only gets LRC atm, but HV is going to come again in a few weeks time when DD is in Nursery and help me gather evidence for MRC, and possibly mobility as well which I should then get carers allowance for.

Good idea to change your number. I also think you should log it with the police, and give your solicitor a ring on Monday to let them know. They might be able to sort out a harassment order to stop him trying to contact you.
I know you said no-one can get in the block where you live, but he might hang around outside, or turn up at the nursery when he knows you'll be there.

Despite this, you're doing really well, and you have the important people on your side. You'll get through this, keep telling yourself "This too shall pass".

I alerted the Nursery to the harassment on Friday and they've said if they see anyone they don't know hanging around outside the Nursery they'll call the police.

I've called 101 myself last night and they can't do much apparently as it's a civil matter about the breakdown of a marriage but at least if something happens they're aware i hope.

I also text the Social Worker as they keep threatening to call her boss and say that the SW is giving wrong advice to separate a child from her father after they asked to have her today and I said no because the SW told me to make it in a public place supervised by a mutual friend or someone else I am comfortable with and ExH wanted her at his parents house supervised by his parents, I'm also not confident I'd have got her back either. SW rung me and said that her boss was aware of the situation and supports her views on it, they don't think ExH or his parents will call either of them but if they do then they're both prepared to ask certain questions of ExH.

My GP also bcced me into an email sent to the SW. There was a form on it that was called a "fitness to parent" form. The GP has completed without me being there (says this in the email) but she's confident of the answers and has basically said I'm mentally fit to parent DD. The only one point I fell down on was the question about being on any kind of antidepressant, but the GP has put in the email that she feels that me being on antidepressants helps me to be able to parent and help me sleep so basically keep me mentally fit to parent. I passed all the other questions which asked things about accessing support and the network I have around me (my mum, my brother, my granddad, I have a couple of very good friends who all live within 20 miles of me, I also go to a couple of support groups for her delay and other medical conditions) so I'm not overly worried about them all.

it's a civil matter about the breakdown of a marriage

You haven’t been in a marriage with FIL. If he harasses you then it may be a police matter. I hope he has stopped now you have your new simcard.

He's still messaging my mum so I've got her to block him on Facebook but I haven't heard anything. New Simcard isn't here yet but Ex-FIL is blocked. ExH hasn't messaged me today.

I've got home from being shopping with my mum to a letter from the bank asking me to sign the forms to hand the bank account over to ExH but it says in big bold letters YOU DO NOT HAVE TO DO THIS and then that if I don't sign the account will remain frozen until we can "reach an agreement to the contents" apparently ExH will also be getting the same letter.

Also my mums apologised for her reaction the first message off Ex-FIL she's just worried she's going to be dragged into something that isn't really any of her business. She says she only cares about DD and I and doesn't want me being bullied into anything I'm not comfortable with. She even gave me a hug which I've not had off her since I was about 12!

A lot going on then CatLady. The best news is that you and your DM have talked and you are both feeling better about how you are with each other. It does sounds as if she was shocked and bewildered by the sudden escalation of the situation and a little time has allowed her to work out what she really feels. Glad you got that hug. It must have been a special moment.

The messages, calls and even the bank letter can just be ignored for the time being. How’s your DD? Not picking up on the changes in a troubling way I hope. You are a great mum. One step at a time.

DDs had a massive regression, she's using a dummy again, will only drink out of bottles, has to be fed unless it's finger food like toast, wakes in the night for a cuddle and is napping for 2-3 hours at a time rather than an hour. But the HV isn't worried and told me t do whatever makes her feel secure right now. At Nursery she's a bit reluctant to get involved in things but with a bit of encouragement is ok, she's had a 1-1 worker for the last few weeks so she's almost back to her normal self there now.

She's actually really trying my patience this morning with her unintelligible shouting and her throwing things around...nearly nap time...

I haven't commented before but just wanted to say how well you're doing & your DD is lucky to have you as her mum. Hopefully she was a bit better behaved after her nap.

Your DD is reacting to all that's going on, I'm sure you know that. Just keep doing your best for her, as you are doing.

It's your dd's way of expressing herself. It breaks our heart. My ds is worried, staring in space and sobbing out of the blue. I'm meeting someone at WA today. Have you been able to transfer the tenancy? There a form called d50b.

You are doning so well OP. Your dd is obviously just reactig to the sudeen changes; in time when everything is calmer, so will she be.

Re the Bank - just sit on the forms for now, until you have had proper advice. You don't need to do anything, regardless of any bullying and threatening from him or FIL.

How's things going OP?

I'm Going through slightly similar, so hugs, it's so hard.
Can you get a non-molestation order against the FIL?

Just spoken to Shelter.

Apparently an occupation order should force his name off the tenancy but they (the HA) don't have to accept it and do not have to contact him to sign his name off. So basically he could re-enter my flat at anytime and ask to move in How is this allowed to happen?

I guess you need a molestAtion (?) order so he can't come within x distance of you or your home?

See a solicitor about a non-mol.

So, an Occupation Order could force his name off the tenancy, but he could still demand to move in? I think I've read that wrong.

If the HA don't have to contact him to take his name off, and do accept the Occupation Order then you're quids in. If they take his name off the tenancy then he won't have any right to enter.

Jux Basically the HA are telling me they're not accepting the Occupation Order which according to Shelter they don't have to do, and they will not contact him to get his name off the tenancy, he has to contact them. They won't even give me the forms to meet him with to get him to sign as I could forge his signature.

So yeah basically I need an Non-Molestation order or to get him to contact the HA which he won't because he doesn't do phone calls - he called me maybe 6 times in the 6 years we were together, he wouldn't even make doctors appointments by phone he'd walk down and do it that way.

Ha want to do fuck all as far as I can tell, and have told me they can only transfer the tenancy to me only if I get a transfer order which doesn't actually exist according to either Shelter or my Solicitor.