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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I’ve lost haven’t I? He’s got what he wanted

994 replies

CatLadyToddlerMother · 08/03/2018 09:15

On Sunday afternoon I was attacked by my husband and he threatened to kill me.

On the advise of the police I left my home with my DD who played two foot from us when this happened.

And I haven’t been back. Because he has. And it doesn’t feel fair. The tenancy is in joint names so he can’t be evicted, and he has the legal right to live there. He won’t sign the form to have his name taken off the tenancy so I can move in.

I’m trying to get an occupancy order but a solicitor won’t act until I can prove I’m entitled to Legal Aid, which I can’t as all my benefits letters are at my flat which I’ve been advised not to go back to by the Housing Association and the Police - I don’t work as DD has a few extra needs so claims DLA and CTC which is my entitlement to LA. I’m waiting for Women’s Aid to assign me a Support Worker so I can prove it another way but they’ve told me as I’m not in immediate danger it could take up to 3 weeks. The housing association have no legal obligation to house DD and I while my name is on that tenancy, and if I sign my name off the tenancy they can place me anywhere in the county which takes me away from my mum and brother (I’m living there atm) who are my biggest support at the moment.

I feel like I’ve lost. He gets to break the law, and still wins. I can’t go out on my own because I’m so scared, I tried to get to DDs Nursery alone yesterday morning and got a quarter of the way and had to call them saying I couldn’t get any further. They were lovely and bought the Nursery car and a car seat and took us both to the Nursery but walking back alone I was shaking and it took ages to get home. My mum had to pick DD up from Nursery.

It’s so unfair. I can’t live like this for another month. My DDs got no toys or clothes, and I feel guilty using my mums bread and milk and food when she’s on a low income herself. I just want to go home.

He’s won hasn’t he? I’m up shit creek without a paddle, still liable for a flat I don’t live in and have no money or clothes.

I feel like such a crap mum, I’ve let my DD down, has I ignored the police and stayed home he wouldn’t have been allowed back and then he’d have had to have tried to get me out which with me having DD would have been hard for him to do.

And I’m so worried he’s going to petition the courts for access to our DD, I don’t like her being out of my sight atm but I know he’s her dad and I can’t stop him seeing her (I never would but I just want time to get my head together and have a home)

OP posts:
Original poster
CatLadyToddlerMother · 16/03/2018 15:29

Does this class as emotional blackmail? Message from ExHs mum today:

"Hi Catlady, hope you and Minilady are ok, wondered if we were going to see MiniLady anytime soon? I can make sure (ExHs name) is out of the house if your more comfortable, it's just I'm so sad I haven't seen her for ages and your mums seen her everyday since you split which is a bit unfair. I know you said it's up to (ExHs name) whether we see her or not but you know what he's like, he'll take months to sort out supervised contact and all the time she's losing the relationship with this side of her family, and (MILs DN1), (MILs DN2) and (MILs DN3) are missing her too, (DN3) is only little he doesn't understand where his friends gone. Just let me know" then there's a list of her work shifts

Even if it isn't she can quite frankly fuck off, I have enough to do with DDs extra needs and currently being the only parent in her life and i don't believe she'd keep DD from ExH either. My Solicitor has offered to send a cease desist letter to his parents for free if they keep bothering me threatening an injunction if they keep bothering me, they've already accused me of being vindictive and using DD as a weapon against ExH when all I've done is what the Police/Social Worker/Doctors have told me to do.

Feel like I'm failing DD keeping her from her family but I honestly don't think her grandparents would keep her from their son and I'm not comfortable with him having unsupervised access at the moment which the Social Worker says is fine and understandable but he eeds to arrange a contact centre not me (as if I/SS arrange me or they have to pay for it, whereas if ExH does it he has to pay)

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 16/03/2018 15:35

I don’t trust her to keep DD away from ex.

You can put her off for the moment by saying that there is so much to sort out between the end of your relationship and DD’s needs that there’s no time but you will be in contact when things quieten down.

I’d be ok with letting her see DD at your place but never at hers unless you’re with DD.

If she continues to cause a fuss then go for the cease and desist.

NoFucksImAQueen · 16/03/2018 15:55

Message seems fair enough to me but then I don't know her like you do.

katmarie · 16/03/2018 16:12

The thing about that message is it's all about her isn't it? Not you and DD and all the shit you've been through thanks to her son. No acknowledgment of his behaviour, and no mentions of help or support for you. If she really gave a shit she'd be asking what she can do to get contact set up between Dd and your ex, or whether you and dd need anything, not demanding time with your dd because it's not fair.

I would let your solicitor send the letter, and I wouldn't bother replying. If you really do want to reply, just reiterate that it's up to your ex to sort out contact, and she should be bothering him not you. Repeat ad nauseum if she replies.

Leostar · 16/03/2018 16:16

Occupation orders are free. Go online and look at NCDV www.ncdv.org.uk/

Best of luck. I left. I’m in my house with an occupatikn order

ParadiseCity · 16/03/2018 16:18

'Hi MIL, I'm far from ok sadly. I'm still dealing with the aftermath of the assault so it's one day at a time. I'm not making plans for DD and I to go visiting right now.'

Jux · 16/03/2018 16:22

Ignore. If more come then take the solicitor up on their offer.

You're not keeping dd from her family, your mum sees her regularly and I expect other members of your family would too if that could be arranged. The one who is letting her down wrt relationships is exh. As you say, you've got enough to do without trying to arrange all that for him. Your exmil can nag him into doing the right thing, she just thinks you're an easier target; you're not.

PeaPodPopper · 16/03/2018 16:23

Hi catlady I remember your previous threads, though didn't comment on them. I'm so glad to see you're out and safe.

Re your last post, it's a big YES from me, the message from your exh's mum IS emotional blackmail, this line>>>>>>>. it's just I'm so sad I haven't seen her for ages and your mums seen her everyday since you split which is a bit unfair . says it all. No way have you been unfair.

Any decisions re your Ex and your DD need to be made by you, WITHOUT any 'woe is me' messages from his mum. She should be adult enough to:
step back,
accept what he has done,
accept the consequences of his actions,
give you plenty of space and respect,
and accept any decisions you make, regardless of whether she likes them or not.

Stay safe and strong my lovely, it might not seem like it at the moment as it's early days, but you have lawful right to a safe, peaceful and happy life on your side. Make sure you get it. Flowers

MovingAgainOhWhy · 16/03/2018 17:45

catlady

As per previous posters, the text is very manipulative. It's all about how MIL is so sad , it's all about her feelings and she's said not enough about how you and your DD might be feeling. She's using her supposed sadness of not seeing your DD to make you feel bad, when it's actually a very difficult situation where her son attacked you! MIL needs to look beyond her own feelings right now and not go on about how it's 'unfair' on her. FFS her son attacked you! That's very unfair

NoFucksImAQueen · 16/03/2018 17:50

Actually Iv changed my mind since retreading the its a bit unfair. Could you respond and say your mum has been supporting you deal with the aftermath her son has left behind and it's a bit "unfair" that she's not offered any support at all to you and mini at a time when your lives have been turned upside down but that she's not getting in touch to say how hard it is for her and the other kids.

Original poster
CatLadyToddlerMother · 17/03/2018 15:11

My lovely granddad. He's 85 in a few weeks time. Called me up "can you pop round I've got something for you?"

Walked down to him in the snow with DD. He said he hopes I wouldn't be offended but he was so upset by what my husband had done by me he'd got one of my aunts to go and get some cuts of meat from the butchers and also bought DD an extra large Easter Egg from Thorntons. He's told me to do whatever I want with the meat and if there's anything I don't like to pass it to my mum. He's got me; 6 chicken breasts, 1kg of beef mince, a joint of beef, 2 lamb chops, 20 rashers of bacon, 18 pork sausages and 10 beef sausages. I'm not a big lover of lamb so going to cook the chops up and take the meat off the bone for the cat as she loves lamb.

He's a proper gentleman and has always looked after his family. Feel guilty I won't be able to spoil him on his birthday in a few weeks time Sad.

OP posts:
Original poster
CatLadyToddlerMother · 17/03/2018 15:14

Also meant to say I've given the beef sausages to my mum, as DD won't eat them, but the rest will freeze and do meals for at least the next month, possibly longer!

OP posts:
Motoko · 17/03/2018 16:14

Aww, what a lovely thing for your granddad to do! That's going to save you quite a bit of money. I'm sure he'll understand that you won't be able to spend much on his birthday, and wouldn't want you to. He'll just love having you and DD there to celebrate with him. That's the important thing.

MrsMozart · 17/03/2018 18:20

How lovely of him.

Can you make him a cake for his birthday? Not need to be fancy. It's the thought.

NoFucksImAQueen · 17/03/2018 19:15

Your grandad sounds lovely

Graphista · 17/03/2018 19:22

Aww what a lovely man!

Mil is one of the people that raised your ex so no she can bog off at least for now.

Original poster
CatLadyToddlerMother · 17/03/2018 19:47

MrsMozart I'm the least creative person you can imagine but I'll get DD to make a card and try and make something for a present

OP posts:
Original poster
CatLadyToddlerMother · 17/03/2018 19:55

Hahahaha, one up on ExH.

Just froze the joint bank account, after his wages where paid in on Friday. Just over £1k is frozen in that account. He's not going to be homeless and his parents won't let him starve but he won't be able to smoke, buy video games or pay his phone bill for a month until he gets paid again.

He can feel the fear I've had for the last 2 weeks of having no money. He's just text me "Why the fuck has my card been rejected?" and then he checked the online banking app and text me again "It says it's fucking frozen why?" He doesn't have another bank account as he managed to go overdrawn on it and so we paid it off a few months ago but they closed that account as he was overrawn for too long and he "never got round to" opening a new individual account. It didn't matter really when we were together as all the bills went out of the joint account.

OP posts:
gamerwidow · 17/03/2018 20:07

OP I feel so much for you the support services for DV victims in this country are an absolute joke. Everyone says just leave but when you do you’re left with nothing and nobody wants to help, you just get shoved around the system.
You’ve done the right thing but it makes me do angry that the victim is the one who loses everything and has to jump through hoops to get their life back on track. My DSIS abuser was arrested 6 months ago for GBH when he last attacked her and she left for good. Her legal aid case through last week 5 months after we went to court to get an injunction against him and is absolutely fucking useless now. She had to represent herself in court because she couldn’t afford a solicitor. The police still hasn’t submitted evidence to the CPS because they mislaid the notes and forgot. This only came to light because we went to the MP because we are so pissed off of nothing being done while he swans around Scot free able to get on with his life as if nothing has happened.

Original poster
CatLadyToddlerMother · 17/03/2018 20:15

gamer I'm still waiting for Women's Aid to get in touch with me, I've had to contact other charities myself to get the support me and DD need. It's awful.

OP posts:
Snowysky20009 · 17/03/2018 20:24

OP stay strong. You are doing so well!

TatianaLarina · 17/03/2018 20:52

You could invite him round over Easter and cook the beef joint? And draw him some Easter pictures with DD.

Original poster
CatLadyToddlerMother · 17/03/2018 20:53

I’ll have to cook it at his house but yeah that’s a good idea!

OP posts:
Booboobooboo84 · 17/03/2018 21:46

Ha yes to the frozen account. I would also say it’s time to provide him with an email address for contact. Every Sunday send a photo of your dd and a brief account of her week. Block all other contact he has with you. And his families too.

I’d also reply to the ‘D’MIL thank you for your kind message asking how me and dd are getting in understandably following the harrowing attack by your ds in front of her DD is reluctant to be apart from me or to spend any time with your DS and his family. He can arrange supervised contact so that their relationship can be repaired in a safe setting where she feels supported. I’m sure As your keen to come along too you can take responsibility for ensuring your ds makes these arrangements. I won’t be stepping foot in your house with my dd as unfortunately the attack from your ds has irreparably damaged my trust in him.

Birdshitbridgegotme · 17/03/2018 22:10

I had a very similar situation. U will get legal aid if he attacked u the police have this on file right? U shouldn't need your letters to prove but u can call 101 explain the situation to them and ask for someone to accompany u home.
It was a long process for me and I had to stay at my mum's for 4 months while it all went thru court but eventually he was ordered to move out as our toddler needed their home.if u want more details pm me and I'll explain all the steps I had to do.