I’ve lost haven’t I? He’s got what he wanted

[CatLadyToddlerMother]

On Sunday afternoon I was attacked by my husband and he threatened to kill me.

On the advise of the police I left my home with my DD who played two foot from us when this happened.

And I haven’t been back. Because he has. And it doesn’t feel fair. The tenancy is in joint names so he can’t be evicted, and he has the legal right to live there. He won’t sign the form to have his name taken off the tenancy so I can move in.

I’m trying to get an occupancy order but a solicitor won’t act until I can prove I’m entitled to Legal Aid, which I can’t as all my benefits letters are at my flat which I’ve been advised not to go back to by the Housing Association and the Police - I don’t work as DD has a few extra needs so claims DLA and CTC which is my entitlement to LA. I’m waiting for Women’s Aid to assign me a Support Worker so I can prove it another way but they’ve told me as I’m not in immediate danger it could take up to 3 weeks. The housing association have no legal obligation to house DD and I while my name is on that tenancy, and if I sign my name off the tenancy they can place me anywhere in the county which takes me away from my mum and brother (I’m living there atm) who are my biggest support at the moment.

I feel like I’ve lost. He gets to break the law, and still wins. I can’t go out on my own because I’m so scared, I tried to get to DDs Nursery alone yesterday morning and got a quarter of the way and had to call them saying I couldn’t get any further. They were lovely and bought the Nursery car and a car seat and took us both to the Nursery but walking back alone I was shaking and it took ages to get home. My mum had to pick DD up from Nursery.

It’s so unfair. I can’t live like this for another month. My DDs got no toys or clothes, and I feel guilty using my mums bread and milk and food when she’s on a low income herself. I just want to go home.

He’s won hasn’t he? I’m up shit creek without a paddle, still liable for a flat I don’t live in and have no money or clothes.

I feel like such a crap mum, I’ve let my DD down, has I ignored the police and stayed home he wouldn’t have been allowed back and then he’d have had to have tried to get me out which with me having DD would have been hard for him to do.

And I’m so worried he’s going to petition the courts for access to our DD, I don’t like her being out of my sight atm but I know he’s her dad and I can’t stop him seeing her (I never would but I just want time to get my head together and have a home)

He hasn't got a hope in hell given what you've posted.

You may be entitled to legal aid given DV. However, they are hard to find and it's limited. I have found self repping to be stressful but it was well worth it and I did it through my divorce/financial proceedings too.

I would put in an application for residency in the first instance.

I'm just worried I'm not strong enough yet, plus worried about filling out the forms wrong.

I'll DM you.

Thank you, I’ll check it when I can get on my laptop. If I get it out while DDs still awake it’ll end up on the floor with her watching YouTube videos!

Ha! I feel your pain! I think we could do with a chat...and a bit of reassurance. It'll be OK, I promise

Oh CatLady, it's fab that MrsC is here - she's not called TheFormidable for nothing!

MrsC I lurked on your threads cheering you on. (Would you recommend op gets a pineapple? )

Jux Waves!!! You did, I know, I am both humbled and pleased that I can use all the support I received to assist anybody who needs it! I most definitely recommend a pineapple, indeed, I had a pair of pineapple sunglasses in my bag for my latest proceedings. I will never look at a pineapple in the same way

Wave wave!! So glad the pineapple still lives on, if only in memory and 😎

CatLady, you've got a valuable resource in Mrs C.

@Jux Oh it's still going strong...I so wish I'd posted up some of the court stuff, you would have all laughed your heads off! Also, cheered!

@Across Oh you lovely lady, I think of you often and SO need to email but I know it would be literally a novel and you'd be so "WTF". I will get round to this asap. Always in my thoughts though xxx

So OP, get on the pineapple parade and we'll get you sorted, won't we ladies?

I'm just reading your threads now MrsC so I'll know what your all talking about

Oh @CatLadyToddlerMother, you'll be there for days! My story at that point was not so much to do with our DS but more to do with me arriving here on MN in a proper state and then not being in that state months on...it's a good story but don't feel you have to read. I haven't posted up my children's proceedings only because my ex-h and OW know my user name so I have kept it all quiet and also am much much stronger now. However, if it gives you any sort of inspiration, then do read. I am here for you regardless!

I don't sleep much so don't worry!

Social Worker doesn't want me to go to court and is suddenly offering to mediate between ExH and I, says she agrees with my terms re supervision but doesn't want us to go to court.

Anyone know why she might say that? And can she stop any applications?

Could it be that it would help your case (not that it needs help by the sounds of it) to attempt mediation first?

However assuming SW knows DHs violence plus his failure to drop off DD after previous supervised contact, what alternative is there to court?

Someone more clever than I will be along, keep going Cat, rooting for you and DD

She knows about the violence towards both me and DD, it wasn't her who was involved when I reported him hurting DD but one of her colleagues who she's spoken to about it.

And she knows he handed her over late before and has also spoken to DDs Health Visitor who has expressed other concerns re ExH.

This is really weird. You are exempt from mediation automatically with DV history. You can't mediate with this man! She is completely overstepping here...she is not a legal adviser and telling you not to go to court is well outside of her remit. She should be telling you to go to court, not the other way round! She is also not qualified to mediate either. What an absolutely bizarre thing to do. Have you asked her why she doesn't want you to go to court?

Has somebody not done their job properly and she is worried it might come out?

Has somebody not done their job properly and she is worried it might come out?

This is what I'm thinking, although I can't see how, ExH knows she's still involved with us.

I am very suspicious about this. Can you ask her why she is recommending that you don't seek an order from the court?

It might be a good idea to ask her why she would recommend not going to court in writing (email), so you have a record of her advice, too.

I agree with @GiraffeCat. You need her to put that in writing...will be interesting to see if she is prepared to do that!

I think it's a gambit to make you look willing to cooperate and to show that he won't. So often men like your ex either refuse mediation point blank, or show willing but keep finding excuses very valid reasons why they can't do it now or just storm out before it's got off the ground.

Any of these actions on his part will underline his basic unwillingness to work with in the best interests of dd. If he does that everyone in Court will know what sort of person they're dealing with.

In contrast, they will also know that you tried, you want to sort out access for dd's sake.

Great to see you on here MrsC!!

Does sound odd from the social worker... is your ex utterly charming until you get to know him?

Do you have the SW email? If you do, email her to ask why, only phone if you can't email her.