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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I’ve lost haven’t I? He’s got what he wanted

994 replies

CatLadyToddlerMother · 08/03/2018 09:15

On Sunday afternoon I was attacked by my husband and he threatened to kill me.

On the advise of the police I left my home with my DD who played two foot from us when this happened.

And I haven’t been back. Because he has. And it doesn’t feel fair. The tenancy is in joint names so he can’t be evicted, and he has the legal right to live there. He won’t sign the form to have his name taken off the tenancy so I can move in.

I’m trying to get an occupancy order but a solicitor won’t act until I can prove I’m entitled to Legal Aid, which I can’t as all my benefits letters are at my flat which I’ve been advised not to go back to by the Housing Association and the Police - I don’t work as DD has a few extra needs so claims DLA and CTC which is my entitlement to LA. I’m waiting for Women’s Aid to assign me a Support Worker so I can prove it another way but they’ve told me as I’m not in immediate danger it could take up to 3 weeks. The housing association have no legal obligation to house DD and I while my name is on that tenancy, and if I sign my name off the tenancy they can place me anywhere in the county which takes me away from my mum and brother (I’m living there atm) who are my biggest support at the moment.

I feel like I’ve lost. He gets to break the law, and still wins. I can’t go out on my own because I’m so scared, I tried to get to DDs Nursery alone yesterday morning and got a quarter of the way and had to call them saying I couldn’t get any further. They were lovely and bought the Nursery car and a car seat and took us both to the Nursery but walking back alone I was shaking and it took ages to get home. My mum had to pick DD up from Nursery.

It’s so unfair. I can’t live like this for another month. My DDs got no toys or clothes, and I feel guilty using my mums bread and milk and food when she’s on a low income herself. I just want to go home.

He’s won hasn’t he? I’m up shit creek without a paddle, still liable for a flat I don’t live in and have no money or clothes.

I feel like such a crap mum, I’ve let my DD down, has I ignored the police and stayed home he wouldn’t have been allowed back and then he’d have had to have tried to get me out which with me having DD would have been hard for him to do.

And I’m so worried he’s going to petition the courts for access to our DD, I don’t like her being out of my sight atm but I know he’s her dad and I can’t stop him seeing her (I never would but I just want time to get my head together and have a home)

OP posts:
Dandeliontea123 · 29/06/2018 22:08

Glad you both had a lovely day. And what a great Grandad you have!

CatLadyToddlerMother · 02/07/2018 15:06

Get praised by the Social Worker this morning for being a good cook, then serve up turkey dinosaurs, mash and beans this afternoon Halo Grin

OP posts:
Mxyzptlk · 04/07/2018 00:07
Grin
CatLadyToddlerMother · 04/07/2018 17:53

Feeling really happy that DDs been invited to two of her Nursery friends birthday parties Grin both the parents are aware of her SN and have said I am welcome to stay and "support" her and if she doesn't need it I can sit back and help with food etc. which I am happy to do.

Could cry. All I have ever wanted is for my DD to be accepted and have 1-2 friends.

OP posts:
kaitlinktm · 04/07/2018 18:29

She is going from strength to strength - which just shows what a good job you are doing.

AcrossthePond55 · 04/07/2018 18:42

Oh how lovely! You see how life is now turning around for both of you? There will still be 'those days', but there will also be wonderful days with friends and sunshine!

Jaynedoe99 · 04/07/2018 18:54

Just wanted to say wow. How incredible you have been. What an amazing mom you are. Xx

Motoko · 04/07/2018 21:37

How exciting for you both! She'll have a great time, and it's lovely that she's making friends.

Mxyzptlk · 07/07/2018 20:10

That's wonderful, CatLady. Smile

CatLadyToddlerMother · 07/07/2018 22:46

I've been struggling to get hold of a solicitor to sort this (both the ones I've previously spoken to appear permanently busy).

Has anyone ever self represented before? I really want to get this sorted ASAP

OP posts:
Motoko · 07/07/2018 23:05

I'm not sure that would be wise in your case. I've never been to court, but wouldn't you have to face him? You're not strong enough for that yet. Just keep trying the solicitors.

CatLadyToddlerMother · 07/07/2018 23:19

wouldn't you have to face him?

Probably. I'm just so angry still. I am doing everything. He hasn't contacted the Nursery, he never asks about her, any photos or updates he gets are because I send them not because he's asked. I'm organizing her education, I'm contacting all the charities to organise her EHCP, I do all Nursery runs.

Why should I have all the mental load, all the emotional strain, all the financial hardship? When he can just swan in and take her if his bloody mother told him to (I'm 100% certain he only sees her when his parents remind him she exists hence only seeing her every 8-10 weeks).

OP posts:
Motoko · 08/07/2018 01:04

But he can't just swan in and take her, he has to ask you, and he has to be supervised. He's not asking about her because he's not interested in her. As you say, it's all being pushed by his mother.
If she wasn't toxic, she could probably have a relationship with her GD, even if he never saw her, but she is as toxic as her son, so she knows the only way she'll get to see DD is if he has access, so that's why she's pushing him for it.

Motoko · 08/07/2018 01:10

But he can't just swan in and take her, he has to ask you, and he has to be supervised. He's not asking about her because he's not interested in her. As you say, it's all being pushed by his mother.
If she wasn't toxic, she could probably have a relationship with her GD, even if he never saw her, but she is as toxic as her son, so she knows the only way she'll get to see DD is if he has access, so that's why she's pushing him for it.

AcrossthePond55 · 08/07/2018 01:56

I agree, you need to keep trying to find a solicitor. I don't think self-rep would be wise at this point.

My friend was in a similar situation, her ex was worse than useless. She said she had to give herself a mental shake and tell herself that, yes, she has to do it all but that's ok she was doing all herself anyway. She had to make herself get rid of the feeling of resentment, the feeling that he should be doing more. She had to focus on the fact that she wasn't wasting her time trying to engage him with his son. She wasn't using up her emotional energy watching him sit on the sofa doing jack-shit whilst she was caring for their son. She said it became easier to do it herself once she accepted that she had no control over him, and because he wasn't in front of her, a focus for her resentment.

She said doing all herself was well worth the price, which was peace and self pride.

Floradoranora · 08/07/2018 02:07

The poster known as The Formidable Mrs C self represented. She also has a child with profound needs. Her ex and his sidekick were extremely nasty pieces of work. Hopefully someone who knows her will give her a nudge and direct her to your thread.

CatLadyToddlerMother · 08/07/2018 11:17

No Social Worker has said while she doesn’t think it’s a good idea for him to see her unsupervised while he has PR with no court order he could walk in and take her and Id have to go to court to get her back as SW doesn’t have the power to say “no contact at all” due to the circumstances

OP posts:
fourquenelles · 08/07/2018 11:21

@TheFormidableMrsC is on this thread atm

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3290569-help-i-m-being-accused-of-child-abuse

Worth a read OP

Mxyzptlk · 08/07/2018 12:33

The flat is yours and he has no key, right? So he can't just walk in there.
The nursery won't let anyone other than you pick DD up.
You are always with DD and do not have to hand her to him just because he asks.
Do not ever let him have contact with DD unless it is supervised by someone you trust, such as your DB.

RedHelenB · 08/07/2018 12:39

Nursery have no legal right to stop a person with PR taking their child. They may be able to delay it . If you don't want unsupervised contact then it needs to be done properly through the courts.

CatLadyToddlerMother · 08/07/2018 13:13

Nursery have no legal right to stop a person with PR taking their child. They may be able to delay it

Exactly, they can't actually stop him. SW has told them not to let him but as there is no order stopping him from picking her up they can't legally stop him.

OP posts:
TheFormidableMrsC · 08/07/2018 14:36

Hi! I have been nudged...can I help? I've not read the full thread but am a self-repper and have achieved residency and a reduced contact order

CatLadyToddlerMother · 08/07/2018 14:55

TheFormidableMrsC As the thread is nearly full quick brief is in March my husband attacked me and threatened to kill me our then 2 year old was in the room. We've previously had the police out to us when he's lost his temper and smashed up doors and furniture. He has also harmed our DD, who has a number of SN. I had been letting him have supervised access supervised by both his parents, but both his parents have threatened me and told me they're taking me to court for custody. He's been seeing her on average every 8-10 weeks, so he's seen her 3 or 4 times since we split. It's not enough for DD who is confused. He's also returned her late from contact and told me he never agreed a return time despite it being in both written letter format (which I know he got because I sent it signed for) and on email.

I'm really not sure where to go from here. I want him to have regular supervised contact but the nearest contact centre is 40 miles away so I know I need. We have a Social Worker but she won't supervise contact so I feel at a bit of crossroads. I'm struggling to get hold of a solicitor so debating whether to self represent just to get the CAO with sanctions for not returning her on time.

OP posts:
TheFormidableMrsC · 08/07/2018 14:58

Have read back a little. OK, so he can't just "take her from you". It doesn't work like that. DD is currently settled and at nursery. He is apparently living off his parents and sitting on his arse. That is not a good case (or ANY case). You can make a residency application AND an application for proposed contact yourself. It's very easy to do. If you are in receipt of benefits, it's also free.

You would raise your welfare concerns and a Section 7 report by Cafcass would most likely be requested. You would both be subject to long interviews. All medical records/social services records/police/nursery...anything like that will be sought by Cafcass in the first instance. I don't want to blind you with information right now, but you CAN do this and it's not as daunting as you might think. I am happy to help and talk you through it so please so get in touch if you'd find that useful.

Flowers
TheFormidableMrsC · 08/07/2018 14:59

We've cross posted, bear with me and I'll read what you have said!