I’ve lost haven’t I? He’s got what he wanted

[CatLadyToddlerMother]

On Sunday afternoon I was attacked by my husband and he threatened to kill me.

On the advise of the police I left my home with my DD who played two foot from us when this happened.

And I haven’t been back. Because he has. And it doesn’t feel fair. The tenancy is in joint names so he can’t be evicted, and he has the legal right to live there. He won’t sign the form to have his name taken off the tenancy so I can move in.

I’m trying to get an occupancy order but a solicitor won’t act until I can prove I’m entitled to Legal Aid, which I can’t as all my benefits letters are at my flat which I’ve been advised not to go back to by the Housing Association and the Police - I don’t work as DD has a few extra needs so claims DLA and CTC which is my entitlement to LA. I’m waiting for Women’s Aid to assign me a Support Worker so I can prove it another way but they’ve told me as I’m not in immediate danger it could take up to 3 weeks. The housing association have no legal obligation to house DD and I while my name is on that tenancy, and if I sign my name off the tenancy they can place me anywhere in the county which takes me away from my mum and brother (I’m living there atm) who are my biggest support at the moment.

I feel like I’ve lost. He gets to break the law, and still wins. I can’t go out on my own because I’m so scared, I tried to get to DDs Nursery alone yesterday morning and got a quarter of the way and had to call them saying I couldn’t get any further. They were lovely and bought the Nursery car and a car seat and took us both to the Nursery but walking back alone I was shaking and it took ages to get home. My mum had to pick DD up from Nursery.

It’s so unfair. I can’t live like this for another month. My DDs got no toys or clothes, and I feel guilty using my mums bread and milk and food when she’s on a low income herself. I just want to go home.

He’s won hasn’t he? I’m up shit creek without a paddle, still liable for a flat I don’t live in and have no money or clothes.

I feel like such a crap mum, I’ve let my DD down, has I ignored the police and stayed home he wouldn’t have been allowed back and then he’d have had to have tried to get me out which with me having DD would have been hard for him to do.

And I’m so worried he’s going to petition the courts for access to our DD, I don’t like her being out of my sight atm but I know he’s her dad and I can’t stop him seeing her (I never would but I just want time to get my head together and have a home)

SW expect you to refuse unsupervised contact, and you already know taht whatever supervision he puts in place (his mum) is unsuitable, so you are actually only following the advice given by your SW anyway.

Do follow up with the solicitor; don't forget to tell them about the DV danger, and the lack of suitable supervision, also what happened last time, and the recommendations from SS.

I can't remember any other important points re contact, so if anyone else can, please jog my memory. There's enough there already for the solicitor to get a decent picture but any other evidence etc will help.

Well done! I hope you and DD had a nice day yesterday and that the hearing can be pushed forward.

Sorry I've not been replying. I've been exhausted so reading and running.

Have spoken to my solicitor and got a meeting with her in the next few days to take this to court. I've also been contacted by a mediator on behalf of ExH so think he's trying to go through courts too,

CatLady I'm sure you already know this, but as there was DV, you do NOT have to attend mediation, please don't let your ex try and convince you otherwise

just totally right. OP do not engage with him via his self appointed mediator. Any communication should be via your solicitor and his. The court hearing the case do a mediation hearing first anyway before taking it further. (I have been through it)

Remember if you are remanded to mediation, there is such a thing as 'shuttle mediation'. This is where both parties are in separate rooms and the mediator 'shuttles' between the two.

Hes bit of a twit trying to take you to court for access when he attacked you therefore poses a risk to DD, he's not going to get the response he wants

Keep feeling like I'm doing the wrong thing. Don't know why I keep wanting to bottle it.

Ex-FIL has been putting threads on Facebook, not naming me directly but tagging ExH and naming DD so I know they're aimed at me and I'm scared. I can't see them myself, but my mum and brother can/ They're screenshotting everyone for me, but I am sat here shaking. Don't know whether to just give them what they want.

Can you go home whilst he's at work and get the locks changed?

CatLady you have been incredibly strong through all of this, please do not let them wear you down now. I know how hard it is, that horrible sick, panicky feeling in the pit of your stomach, the constant shaking and self doubt. But you are doing the right thing. You have been so incredibly composed through all of this, you've taken all the right steps. Your ex FIL posting pathetic things on FB only shows how immature and thoughtless he is. You are doing so well. Keep on keeping on, and although it doesn't feel like it now, it WILL get better. Feel free to PM me if you want to chat.

You've come so far. Don't give up on your little lady! Read back through here and see how far you have come - and your letters from nursery.
Ask your mum to screenshot and store the fb stuff as evidence but you don't need to see it. It isn't helping you right now.
What you are doing is asking the court to decide what is best and to get everything straight. That is for all of you.
Stay strong!

Take a deep breath CatLady, I can feel your tension. See if you can breathe a bit of it away. Slow and deep and longer on the out breath than the in.

You are doing so well in the face of constant provocation and putting your DD her needs first every time. Do you think your DM and DBro could manage not to tell you about things that needn’t affect how you look after DD? The Facebook rubbish is an attempt to weaken you and that is not in DD’s best interest.

Remind yourself how lovely she is; what they think of her at nursery; how she enjoys the pleasures in life; and how she is so well mannered and kind. Remind yourself that you have helped her to be all those things and to do them when her disability can make things harder for her sometimes.

Her father and his family don’t believe in or understand her disability and needs; they don’t give her structure and dependability; they don’t even cope with good meals at a good time for her; and they think they can behave very badly when she is around.

You are good for her. Don’t give up. Can you talk with your WA contact for some RL support?

Thinking of you and sending you a hand hold and some

I know that feeling, I've been there before, you are doing the absolute best for her, look at the responses from nursery and social services, you can do this

Please don't give in. But do mention to your social worker/solicitor about it so that they can decide if it's possible evidence of intimidation and disregard for dc. Also tell your DM/dB that you don't want or need to know unless you ask.
Honestly, they should be protecting you from this stuff.

ILs are resorting to stupid attention seeking crap like this because you're not giving in. Anyone who knows the truth will know you're being a good parent by not exposing DC to them.

Ask your brother and Mum to carry on taking screenshots, and to keep them somewhere safe, but not to tell you or show them to you, until you ask for them for the court.

Ring your WA contact for support. You ARE doing the right thing. They are toxic for your daughter, think of them as poisonous snakes, you wouldn't leave your daughter in a room with poisonous snakes in, would you? You wouldn't be doubting yourself, wondering if you should. This is exactly the same.

They are trying to wear you down, so you give in and they can get their venomous claws into DD, not because they want her, but because they want to see you lose her, and you ex wants to break you.

Why do you care more about what they say, than what SS, Nursery, WA, and us, say? You need to learn to trust yourself, to know that you ARE doing the right thing keeping DD away from them.

Just keep breathing, take each day as it comes, and don't give in, or all the hard work you've done over these months will have been in vain.

You can do this.

It’s just so frustrating as all I’ve wanted through all this is to be able to live without fear and to have a good co-parenting relationship with ExH. I want DD to see him and have a relationship with him and yet they don’t seem to understand that.

I can sympathise with Ex-PIL, if I wasn’t able to see DD everyday I’m sure my mum/brother would be helping me to fight to see my child so they could see her too but they’ve gone about it the wrong way. And have backed me into corners.

I’m so scared of the court process and how it’ll effect DD. And I am worried they’ll win and have DD living with them, as I know that ExH is “stable” for a few weeks or months and then just gets angry again. He’s had counselling while we were together and he still hurt both me and DD.

They will not get custody, in any way shape or form, social services have said that already, listen to them!

They won't get custody!

I doubt the court procedures will have any effect on DD, she won't even know it's happening. The word "court" will have no meaning to her, and it's not as if she'll have to go to court herself. So put any worrying about that out of your mind, as it's pointless and draining to worry about something that she'll be oblivious to.

Big hugs OP! They won't get custody, so don't give in to what they want. Keep on doing what you are doing, which is being a wonderful strong mum for your DD. She sounds absolutely lovely, and she clearly gets that from you!

Deep breath. I don't know what FiL is putting all over FB, but chances are it's going to help your case, not hurt it. If you think it would help, ask your mum and bro to keep screen-shotting for the solicitor but not to tell you (unless there are threats or such) as it's upsetting. You know the gist of what's being said. You probably don't need the details right now.

I know court is scary. But in your situation, you really need the details of access spelled out and written in stone. It saved my BFF's sanity! Her ex would arrive when he felt like it, return their DS when he felt like it or not at all (she'd have to drive and pick him up). He wouldn't show up when he was supposed to or he'd show up on the wrong weekend and demand the child. Her order (I'm in the US, UK may be different) had actual hours in it. Pick up by 10 am, drop off by 6 pm. If he was 15 minutes late for pickup she could cancel his visit. If he was 15 minutes late for drop off, the next visit was cancelled at her discretion. All holidays and birthdays were spelled out (alternate years). She also could call for voluntary drug testing (so could he) and any changes had to be requested 5 days in advance. It was one of the 'tightest' orders I've ever seen. I think it helped that her ex was an arrogant wanker who didn't have the good sense not to lecture the judge on his 'responsibilties' during court.

Nobody is going to grant custody of a child to its violent father. You honestly have nothing to worry about there.

Don't know whether to just give them what they want.

Think about DD living with them - not getting her medication when she should - being in actual physical danger from her dad.

Of course you can't give them that.

Your FiL is being very immature, posting stuff on FB. It won't help them in court, and may harm their case.

(If you were the one who couldn't see DD every day, I'm quite sure you wouldn't act in the ways they have done.)

If you were the one who couldn't see DD every day, I'm quite sure you wouldn't act in the ways they have done.

If I couldn't see her everyday, I'd have taken it to court already and tried to get as much contact as I could, or if not would have followed the instructions and routines of the people looking after her as that's whats best for her. I'd have contacted her Nursery for updates on her progress, I'd have attended every appointment of hers that I could get to (ExH hasn't been to a single one since we split).

Stay strong, OP - he will not get custody xx

OP, you have shown again and again why DD will 100% be better off with you. The things you say that sound sensible to you, are sensible because you are a good parent. Remember this, and stay strong, you have got this