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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I’ve lost haven’t I? He’s got what he wanted

994 replies

CatLadyToddlerMother · 08/03/2018 09:15

On Sunday afternoon I was attacked by my husband and he threatened to kill me.

On the advise of the police I left my home with my DD who played two foot from us when this happened.

And I haven’t been back. Because he has. And it doesn’t feel fair. The tenancy is in joint names so he can’t be evicted, and he has the legal right to live there. He won’t sign the form to have his name taken off the tenancy so I can move in.

I’m trying to get an occupancy order but a solicitor won’t act until I can prove I’m entitled to Legal Aid, which I can’t as all my benefits letters are at my flat which I’ve been advised not to go back to by the Housing Association and the Police - I don’t work as DD has a few extra needs so claims DLA and CTC which is my entitlement to LA. I’m waiting for Women’s Aid to assign me a Support Worker so I can prove it another way but they’ve told me as I’m not in immediate danger it could take up to 3 weeks. The housing association have no legal obligation to house DD and I while my name is on that tenancy, and if I sign my name off the tenancy they can place me anywhere in the county which takes me away from my mum and brother (I’m living there atm) who are my biggest support at the moment.

I feel like I’ve lost. He gets to break the law, and still wins. I can’t go out on my own because I’m so scared, I tried to get to DDs Nursery alone yesterday morning and got a quarter of the way and had to call them saying I couldn’t get any further. They were lovely and bought the Nursery car and a car seat and took us both to the Nursery but walking back alone I was shaking and it took ages to get home. My mum had to pick DD up from Nursery.

It’s so unfair. I can’t live like this for another month. My DDs got no toys or clothes, and I feel guilty using my mums bread and milk and food when she’s on a low income herself. I just want to go home.

He’s won hasn’t he? I’m up shit creek without a paddle, still liable for a flat I don’t live in and have no money or clothes.

I feel like such a crap mum, I’ve let my DD down, has I ignored the police and stayed home he wouldn’t have been allowed back and then he’d have had to have tried to get me out which with me having DD would have been hard for him to do.

And I’m so worried he’s going to petition the courts for access to our DD, I don’t like her being out of my sight atm but I know he’s her dad and I can’t stop him seeing her (I never would but I just want time to get my head together and have a home)

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 13/06/2018 18:10

Super! Sit down and write down examples of his and his family's behaviour, your concerns, and what you would like to see for access rules to give to the solicitor. It's always good to present things in an orderly, factual manner.

BadassUnicorn · 13/06/2018 18:31

Someone suggested calling the police - non-emerency - and having them go with you to the flat for protection while you get your paperwork. Do that, you can also pick up things that belong to you and your daughter which you might need.

You did the right thing getting out of there. It must be really hard to see it this way right now, but you might have been more scared staying in the shared flat alone with your daughter than where you are now. At least you have your mum and brother there for support/protection.

And if he attacked you and threatened with killing you in front of your daughter I doubt any judge in their right mind would allow him near her, especially alone.

Hope you get all the support and help you need right now FlowersFlowersFlowers

CatLadyToddlerMother · 13/06/2018 21:48

BadassUnicorn I am now back in the flat as this thread was started over 3 months ago. Thank you though Smile

OP posts:
Jux · 14/06/2018 11:04

That's good news. We're keeping our fingers crossed that she's a SHL for you!

CatLadyToddlerMother · 15/06/2018 19:48

Oh now he decides he wants her fathers day and suddenly wants DD for contact.

Bet mummykins reminded him as he never remembered parent days when we were together, my sodding best friend used to tell him about mothers day.

DD made a card at Nursery which I will pass on, but I don't know how to handle contact. Not sure whether I could be seen as UR in court for not letting him have his parent day with her,

OP posts:
Justonedayatatime11 · 15/06/2018 19:51

Given the run around they gave you last time he had contact, I'd say you would definitely NOT be unreasonable to say no. I wouldn't risk it

CatLadyToddlerMother · 15/06/2018 21:05

I just feel horrendously guilty as the way it was worded "As it's Father's Day surely we can ignore the 7 day rule just this once", but I know if I give in now he'll say "well you did it before".

I forgot to ring the solicitor today, as I meant to ask her about contact between now and getting the CAO. I've been so tired so just slept all day.

OP posts:
Justonedayatatime11 · 15/06/2018 21:16

Please don't. I know it's hard, and I know you'll be doubting yourself and worrying it'll reflect badly on you. But just remember what he's put you and your DD through! He doesn't get to cherry pick when he wants to be a parent. Nobody is going to think less of you for standing your ground and saying no. Please don't give in to him, he'll see it as a weakness he can exploit

ForeverBubblegum · 15/06/2018 21:30

Father's day hasn't exactly been sprung on him, if he was that bothered he should have remembered / looked up when it was and asked to have it as contact a week ago.

CatLadyToddlerMother · 15/06/2018 21:37

ForeverBubblegum Good point, you can actually google "Father's Day" and then a year and it comes up yes I did just try that

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 15/06/2018 22:16

Honestly, if at all possible, I'd ignore the message. Can you claim you lost your phone or your device went on the fritz and you didn't see his message/email until 'too late'?

Motoko · 15/06/2018 23:16

DO NOT LET HIM HAVE CONTACT!

Sorry for shouting, but it's important. He's not allowed unsupervised contact, and having his parents or a friend as the ones supervising is not suitable.

After the stunt he pulled last time, he now needs to wait until it's gone to court. Don't worry about looking unreasonable, you're not. He's brought this on himself, and you need to protect your daughter.

chicken2015 · 16/06/2018 00:00

Just wanted to say ive read your story and ur such an inspiration, im first time mum to 16 months old and i find it hard and thats generally speaking, u have had so much thrown at u and its clear u r doing everything for your daughter. Wishing u the best

Tistheseason17 · 16/06/2018 13:41

Please do not allow contact - too risky as he does not have minicat's best interests at heart - his only interest is to control you

CatLadyToddlerMother · 16/06/2018 15:46

My granddads bought me an Amazon Echo Dot as an early birthday present (birthday is on Friday).

DDs already worked out how to make her sing [grin[

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 16/06/2018 16:21

Clever girl!

My cousin has one and it scared the bejeebers out of me! She forgot to turn it off and late one night walking to the loo I said 'hello' to my cousin's cat, only to hear a voice answer me in the dark!

CatLadyToddlerMother · 16/06/2018 16:31

a voice answer me in the dark!

Grin that did make me laugh.

OP posts:
sunshine99789 · 16/06/2018 17:03

I agree with others, please don't allow contact, Fathers Day hasn't just 'popped up' It's been advertised for weeks. Please don't put yourself or Mini in that situation. Happy birthday for Friday x

Gemini69 · 16/06/2018 17:21

don't give him Fathers Dy contact Flowers

CatLadyToddlerMother · 16/06/2018 17:44

I've replied to him

"All contact needs to be arranged 7 days in advance and as you gave me less than 36 hours notice I will not be allowing contact on 17th June 2018"

I will call the Solicitor Monday and ask about any other contact between now and getting the CAO. Wondering if we might be able to get an immediate/rushed hearing as there's risk of DA and DV for DD from her dad.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 16/06/2018 18:05

Perfect!!!!

sunshine99789 · 16/06/2018 18:06

Well done! I really admire you. Please don't ever doubt yourself, you are a fantastic mom and have handled everything thrown at you with such grace and maturity.

He will come back all guns blazing undoubtedly, stand your ground, you have done everything correctly. He will never have a leg to stand on. Dont be intimidated by him or his asshole family.

Gemini69 · 16/06/2018 18:28

you worded that perfectly and appropriately Lady... enjoy your Sunday Flowers

Motoko · 16/06/2018 22:08

Is he contacting you on your old sim or new sim? If it's the old one, just take it out for now. You don't need to be subject to his rantings.

Or if it's via email, just ignore and don't open any emails from him/his parents.

Mxyzptlk · 17/06/2018 09:15

You said there's risk of DA and DV for DD from her dad.

So why would you even consider giving him contact with only his family or friends present?

I'd think a court would expect you to refuse contact, in that situation.

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