I’ve lost haven’t I? He’s got what he wanted

[CatLadyToddlerMother]

On Sunday afternoon I was attacked by my husband and he threatened to kill me.

On the advise of the police I left my home with my DD who played two foot from us when this happened.

And I haven’t been back. Because he has. And it doesn’t feel fair. The tenancy is in joint names so he can’t be evicted, and he has the legal right to live there. He won’t sign the form to have his name taken off the tenancy so I can move in.

I’m trying to get an occupancy order but a solicitor won’t act until I can prove I’m entitled to Legal Aid, which I can’t as all my benefits letters are at my flat which I’ve been advised not to go back to by the Housing Association and the Police - I don’t work as DD has a few extra needs so claims DLA and CTC which is my entitlement to LA. I’m waiting for Women’s Aid to assign me a Support Worker so I can prove it another way but they’ve told me as I’m not in immediate danger it could take up to 3 weeks. The housing association have no legal obligation to house DD and I while my name is on that tenancy, and if I sign my name off the tenancy they can place me anywhere in the county which takes me away from my mum and brother (I’m living there atm) who are my biggest support at the moment.

I feel like I’ve lost. He gets to break the law, and still wins. I can’t go out on my own because I’m so scared, I tried to get to DDs Nursery alone yesterday morning and got a quarter of the way and had to call them saying I couldn’t get any further. They were lovely and bought the Nursery car and a car seat and took us both to the Nursery but walking back alone I was shaking and it took ages to get home. My mum had to pick DD up from Nursery.

It’s so unfair. I can’t live like this for another month. My DDs got no toys or clothes, and I feel guilty using my mums bread and milk and food when she’s on a low income herself. I just want to go home.

He’s won hasn’t he? I’m up shit creek without a paddle, still liable for a flat I don’t live in and have no money or clothes.

I feel like such a crap mum, I’ve let my DD down, has I ignored the police and stayed home he wouldn’t have been allowed back and then he’d have had to have tried to get me out which with me having DD would have been hard for him to do.

And I’m so worried he’s going to petition the courts for access to our DD, I don’t like her being out of my sight atm but I know he’s her dad and I can’t stop him seeing her (I never would but I just want time to get my head together and have a home)

Wasn't supervised by only Ex-FIL, Ex-MIL and ExHs best friend where there, my solicitor told me to let this contact go ahead as planned, I'm assuming she knew it'd go wrong one or another and we could use it to prove he can't put her first so therefore have reason to prevent future contact?

Still sounds pretty dodgy to me, and unfair to try it out on DD if that's what solicitor meant.

Anyway, they've now all proved themselves untrustworthy so no need to give them another chance.

I agree that it was wrong for DD to be put in danger.

This solicitor is the one that is based at the WA offices where I go to see my Support Worker and to have counselling, has apparently worked with them for many years.

I'm assuming she knew it'd go wrong one or another
Think about the other ways it could have gone wrong. Maybe mention to your WA support worker and your SW that this happened on the solicitor's advice.

It must be so difficult for you, being in the middle of this situation with demands and weird behaviour from your ex and also advice from a variety of official people.

His family, and friend are totally on his side. Having them "supervise" is as good as having no one supervise! I can't believe your solicitor advised this!

What if they wouldn't give her back at all? Do not let him have contact unless it's at a contact centre.

Wow! I've just read the whole thread. I think you're doing amazingly well and are a fantastic mother.
I hope that you realise that before too long.
Keep on keeping on. You're doing a brilliant job.

I'm calm now, had a scour of the internet of how to go to court. I might have to pay for it but hoping it's the best £215 I ever spend.

I didn't want to have to but I'm left with no choice now, I know he won't organise or pay for a contact centre so I'm hoping a judge can make him see how foolish he's been. I refuse to be bullied anymore and I refuse to let them doubt my own parenting when he does fuck all, DDs told me that "grandma change my nappy" "grandma cook food" "grandma give plaster*" which just shows it's not about him at all but about his family.

I wanted to avoid court as I know it'll have a huge impact on DD whose already got a lot going on for one so young but he's given me no choice. I want there to be repercussions for him pushing the boundaries and not returning her at the agreed time. I've been reasonable for to long.

*She fell over, I'm not overly concerned, it's just a scrapped knee and her GDD means she's more likely to fall than other nearly 3 year olds.

👏👏👏 OP, You are inspirational with your strength.

Please note/photo the fall scrape as his family will use the injury minicat had whilst with you- people play dirty and you do need to put your gloves on x (Mini had loads of family looking after and she still fell over is a good come back for when they, undoubted, attack you)

I know nothing about going to court so why will it have a huge impact on DD?

Please note/photo the fall scrape as his family will use the injury minicat had whilst with you- people play dirty and you do need to put your gloves on x (Mini had loads of family looking after and she still fell over is a good come back for when they, undoubted, attack you

I was just about to say the same - I don't know if you could hold it in abeyance just in case they bring up Mini's fall with you, but if you say nothing about the scraped knees, and if they do bring up her fall whilst in your care, you will be kicking yourself. Something to discuss with your solicitor definitely.

I have already been told by SS that even if they do bring up her falling down the stairs with me all the Judge will ask is if I took appropriate action to ensure she was cared for i.e. did I take her to A+E?

But will get copies of the home incident forms from Nursery and take photos of her knee.

I didn't want to go to court because if Cafcass get involved which they likely will it's more people coming into DDs life, they'll visit her at Nursery and want to observe her with her dad etc. She just has so much going on which is overwhelming her.

Haven't managed to get through to Solicitor yet as I want to know if the hearing would be postponed if it ended up being on the day she's having her operation.

You need to play the long game here OP. Yes, maybe the whole court thing might affect your daughter, but it will only be short term. The long term stability is worth it.

The long term stability is worth it.

This is exactly what I want for her, a regular arrangement with her dad where he returns her when he's supposed to. I've already offered to give her her main meal at lunchtime when he sees her so he just needs to give her a sandwich or something small if he can't possibly adjust his own mealtimes to fit in with her so I know I'm not being UR.

The thought of court scares me but I know I need to. Not only for DD so she knows what's happening but also to put healthy boundaries in between ExH and I so he and his family can no longer bully me - I deserve that as much as DD does.

Poor DD is all over the place today, keeps randomly bursting into tears. Took her to the park, and she kept crying and wanting me to play with her which I of course don't mind but is unlike her, she's usually happy to play by herself or make a new friend or two to play with.

Oh bless her! Yes, I think court is the right way to go. There are times when things need to be written in stone, and this is one of them.

Oh poor little thing, my heart goes out to her.

Court seems the right course now, he's had a chance and what happened is he failed. And he let his fil bully you again.

Good luck xx

Catlady you are amazing. I have rtft and am only thinking what a wonderful mother and role model your gorgeous daughter has to grow up with.

I have just (when I say just, I mean over the course of this afternoon) read this whole thread. You have been through so much and been so strong. You are an amazing Mum!

I know a little girl, age 9 now who has GDD. I think this in itself brings our the lioness in Mums, never mind all that your Ex has done!

I am not amazing, I am just a mother doing what she has to do, I'm sure many of you would do the same in my position.

Yes you are!!! Hey, all mothers are amazing at one time or another, aren't we?

So just take a bow and accept the kudos graciously

Love how loved DD is at Nursery.

Rang the bell at the entrance to the room she's in (separate entrances for each room) and another child comes running up to us

"Hiya Mini, will you play with me today?"

Mini gives nods her head with a big grin on her face and then gives her a hug. When I asked her "Is that your friend?" she smiled and said "yes that (childs name)".

After I'd left the building I sneaked round the side to the parents window and saw her giving a different child a hug

Why is she so adorable?

She obviously just like her Mum - that's why!

Sorry - missed out the is (doh!)

Seconded!

WA have put me in touch with a different solicitor who I've got an appointment with next week.

Great stuff!