I’ve lost haven’t I? He’s got what he wanted

[CatLadyToddlerMother]

On Sunday afternoon I was attacked by my husband and he threatened to kill me.

On the advise of the police I left my home with my DD who played two foot from us when this happened.

And I haven’t been back. Because he has. And it doesn’t feel fair. The tenancy is in joint names so he can’t be evicted, and he has the legal right to live there. He won’t sign the form to have his name taken off the tenancy so I can move in.

I’m trying to get an occupancy order but a solicitor won’t act until I can prove I’m entitled to Legal Aid, which I can’t as all my benefits letters are at my flat which I’ve been advised not to go back to by the Housing Association and the Police - I don’t work as DD has a few extra needs so claims DLA and CTC which is my entitlement to LA. I’m waiting for Women’s Aid to assign me a Support Worker so I can prove it another way but they’ve told me as I’m not in immediate danger it could take up to 3 weeks. The housing association have no legal obligation to house DD and I while my name is on that tenancy, and if I sign my name off the tenancy they can place me anywhere in the county which takes me away from my mum and brother (I’m living there atm) who are my biggest support at the moment.

I feel like I’ve lost. He gets to break the law, and still wins. I can’t go out on my own because I’m so scared, I tried to get to DDs Nursery alone yesterday morning and got a quarter of the way and had to call them saying I couldn’t get any further. They were lovely and bought the Nursery car and a car seat and took us both to the Nursery but walking back alone I was shaking and it took ages to get home. My mum had to pick DD up from Nursery.

It’s so unfair. I can’t live like this for another month. My DDs got no toys or clothes, and I feel guilty using my mums bread and milk and food when she’s on a low income herself. I just want to go home.

He’s won hasn’t he? I’m up shit creek without a paddle, still liable for a flat I don’t live in and have no money or clothes.

I feel like such a crap mum, I’ve let my DD down, has I ignored the police and stayed home he wouldn’t have been allowed back and then he’d have had to have tried to get me out which with me having DD would have been hard for him to do.

And I’m so worried he’s going to petition the courts for access to our DD, I don’t like her being out of my sight atm but I know he’s her dad and I can’t stop him seeing her (I never would but I just want time to get my head together and have a home)

You're a great mum. Everything you do has your dd at heart.

Please stop worrying that they will take your dd. That won't happen. You are doing a great job. Dd is happy and secure.

An abuser cannot also be a good father. It's an impossibility. Just like a squirrel cannot also be an elephant.

Hopefully the work you're doing with WA will help you start unravelling all the brainwashing he's left you with. It'll take a bit of time, but you absolutely can do it.

Small steps I suppose.

My brother got a box that looks like a treasure box with one of his games. DD loves it and is currently carrying it round saying “my box” “my toys” makes me so happy to see her so happy .

Oh to be 2 years old again and be impressed by a cardboard box painted in yellow and brown

Makes your heart melt doesn't it?!

It's funny, I was just today chatting to a friend about when I was a kid (aged about 8 or 9) and how I loved visiting our friendly local greengrocer, and asking for cardboard boxes to make things with. I remember making a dolls house, and a bedside table of all things! I put a cardboard shelf in it, and strung a piece of fabric across the front of it.

You can't go wrong giving a child a cardboard box, it's full of possibilities.

DDs Nursery report made me cry in a good way.

"MiniLady is a well adjusted, polite little girl who can often be found in at the toy kitchen pretending to make cups of tea for her friends and carers*

"Mini is a popular girl at Nursery and she demonstrates her friendly nature to her friends by giving them cuddles and helping them out when they need it"^

How have I created such a well behaved polite little girl? Like honestly there's an 8 page report here about how amazing she is.

*They refer to the nursery staff as carers which I think is lovely.

That's lovely.

How have you created such a polite, lovely little girl? Simple. You are a good and caring mother and a decent human being.

Don't doubt yourself.

She is a credit to you, a credit to herself and credit to her nursery.

If this goes to court (divorce) and you have a note of the amount of council tax debt (his portion), unpaid maintenance etc. He will probably have that deducted from his precious bank account before the final calculations are done.
By giving up his job to avoid cms, it will not go down well with the judge. By living off hos parents, the harassment, threats etc will also not go down well with the judge.
By constantly continuing to abuse and bully you via text, it will not go down well with the judge.
What you need to do is to try and stop questioning and doubting yourself. You are doing an awesome job without him. Your daughter sounds well balanced despite having him for a father.
Stop thinking you have made her sad. She is a small child. They get angry and sad if you cut their sandwich wrong.
She does not need to see an angry, screwed up, unpredictable man. This is not what a daddy should be. She is too young to make decisions about whether regular contact is good or bad and he will do anything to spite you, scraping the deepest, darkest edges of the barrel to get his revenge because you broke free of him.
That's what you did. You broke free. Now the best revenge you can have is to cut a path of bravery and strength moving forwards. Stop doubting yourself and dismiss his accusations as unimportant. Whilst you feed him uncertainty, he still has control. He does not deserve that privilege.
You are a brave lady setting yourself a new future with your daughter. Believe.

Even sending him an email makes me feel anxious

Had to discuss an appointment DD had today with him. The advice I have been given it to keep sending the emails, sending copies of any reports from consultants/nursery and just basically make it impossible for him to prove I've stopped him seeing/knowing his DD.

I hate it though.

I hear you. What you feel is normal, though. You have a history with him of being afraid of his reaction to what you say or do. That's not something that disappears overnight. Just remember that you do have the power to not answer the phone or not reply to a text or email.

Yes, keep things basic and written in emails so there is a paper trail. Unless he's the world's biggest idiot he'll realize that a paper trail goes two ways and he'll at least try to remain civil in written communications.

Set up a subfolder labelled "Arsewipe" and then a new rule/filter which automatically shunts everything from him into the subfolder. You only need to look at it once a week at most unless you know there's urgent things happening (rare). You could ask your support person to look at his emails and just condense them for you into things you have to respond to, say one line per email, "he needs to know how dd's appointment went" or "he doesn't understand para 3 of the report".

Get a new sim and use that. Don't give him the number, just pur the old sim in the phone once a week (or less) to check if anything important from him. Again your support worker could perhaps check things for you.

You are quite clearly a great mum! Don't forget that NOT ONE OF US is perfect and so nor are you. We all make mistakes, but we try to learn from them. We all get impatient, but we try not to. We all get tired, sad, scared, worried, cross, because we are human, and so are you.

Forgive yourself for being human.

He's not replying to my emails, but I have been advised to email him every time DD has an appointment which is 2-3 times a week at the moment. I've been given a format to write it in:

Where we went - list hospital/clinic and department
What happened - including any tests that took place
What happens next - when the next appointment is, when we can expect test results etc
Contact details of consultants

He never replies or if he does it's just one word "yes" or "ok". But I have to keep going because WA has said if it goes to court I have to be able to say "I told him everything he needed to know".

Yes, that's correct. It will also show the court how uninterested he is. If he was a loving and caring father who wanted the best for his daughter, there would be proper replies to those emails, asking questions, showing concern, etc, not just "OK".

So, keep sending them, and the more there are, the stronger the case against him will be. He's being a fool.

^ this.

Keep strong, OP

You're doing it right, OP. His responses, or lack of, are his problem now.

Feeling a bit more positive now. Best friend text me to say she was picking me u[ and we went for breakfast in a little cafe. Both had a moan about our exes and now feel great. Just what I needed

Excellent!

There is a sign outside a pub near work that says “Our beer is as cold as your exes heart.”
Made me think of you and so am catching up on your thread. You are doing amazingly well and that report from nursery is brilliant, shows what a great job you’ve done despite everything.

“Our beer is as cold as your exes heart.”

I will write out why when I've had a chance to calm myself down and stop crying.

So DD went for contact with ExH today. Prearranged a few months ago.

He stopped replying to my emails, but I emailed saying I'd drop her off at 2pm and pick her up at 5pm. When I dropped her off I said to him "I'll pick her up about 5 past 5*" he said "6?" and I replied "no we said you could have 3 hours" and off he went. He text me at about 4 to say he wasn't returning her until 6pm.

I went to his house at 5.05pm. Text him "I'm outside" sent the same message again at 10 past and quarter past. At 20 past I text him to say that if he didn't return her by 5.30pm I'd make sure all contact was in a contact centre as he was late and breaking our agreement. I'm in the car with my mum sat outside. Ex-FIL comes out and tells me they're not returning her until 6pm as she's eating**. He tells me I'm a bully whose trying to bully ExH out of time with his daughter

Finally got her back but am shaking. Definitely speaking to my solicitor tomorrow so that any further contact is not supervised by Ex-FIL and I might even push for contact centre although I worry that after CC ends they'll still bully me.

*I was running a bit late so wanted to give him exactly 3 hours with her.
**Despite the fact I clearly told ExH shee needs to eat by 4pm due to medication she's on which needs taking at the same time every night and is better taken once food is settled in her stomach

How awful, OP. Keep all your ex-H’s texts to show/read out to your solicitor.

It will also go against your Ex-H that your DD did not eat by 4pm, and that Ex-FIL is not sticking to the agreement either and is trying to intimidate you.

They are clearly not putting your DD’s needs first, but you are, so hang in there.

No wonder you're upset, OP.

He's the bully. Do make sure you tell the solicitor about meds/meal time instruction being disregarded. Evidence he does not put her 1st!!

WHY did you let him have your DD for a visit supervised only by ex FiL?
After all their threats, him not communicating and your SW telling you not to do that.

The eating/medication thing shows you absolutely can't trust them to care for her at all.
Don't give him or them another chance.