Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 30 31 32 ··· 39 40

Original poster

I’ve lost haven’t I? He’s got what he wanted

994 replies

CatLadyToddlerMother · 08/03/2018 09:15

On Sunday afternoon I was attacked by my husband and he threatened to kill me.

On the advise of the police I left my home with my DD who played two foot from us when this happened.

And I haven’t been back. Because he has. And it doesn’t feel fair. The tenancy is in joint names so he can’t be evicted, and he has the legal right to live there. He won’t sign the form to have his name taken off the tenancy so I can move in.

I’m trying to get an occupancy order but a solicitor won’t act until I can prove I’m entitled to Legal Aid, which I can’t as all my benefits letters are at my flat which I’ve been advised not to go back to by the Housing Association and the Police - I don’t work as DD has a few extra needs so claims DLA and CTC which is my entitlement to LA. I’m waiting for Women’s Aid to assign me a Support Worker so I can prove it another way but they’ve told me as I’m not in immediate danger it could take up to 3 weeks. The housing association have no legal obligation to house DD and I while my name is on that tenancy, and if I sign my name off the tenancy they can place me anywhere in the county which takes me away from my mum and brother (I’m living there atm) who are my biggest support at the moment.

I feel like I’ve lost. He gets to break the law, and still wins. I can’t go out on my own because I’m so scared, I tried to get to DDs Nursery alone yesterday morning and got a quarter of the way and had to call them saying I couldn’t get any further. They were lovely and bought the Nursery car and a car seat and took us both to the Nursery but walking back alone I was shaking and it took ages to get home. My mum had to pick DD up from Nursery.

It’s so unfair. I can’t live like this for another month. My DDs got no toys or clothes, and I feel guilty using my mums bread and milk and food when she’s on a low income herself. I just want to go home.

He’s won hasn’t he? I’m up shit creek without a paddle, still liable for a flat I don’t live in and have no money or clothes.

I feel like such a crap mum, I’ve let my DD down, has I ignored the police and stayed home he wouldn’t have been allowed back and then he’d have had to have tried to get me out which with me having DD would have been hard for him to do.

And I’m so worried he’s going to petition the courts for access to our DD, I don’t like her being out of my sight atm but I know he’s her dad and I can’t stop him seeing her (I never would but I just want time to get my head together and have a home)

OP posts:

jamoncrumpets · 01/06/2018 15:46

You need to stop trying to second guess what this arsehole is going to do. Assume he's always going to choose the more difficult path for you and make contingency plans for that, anything above it is a bonus. It's shit but it's the only way you'll survive this.

Mxyzptlk · 01/06/2018 16:26

How is he going to live if he does that? And it won't make him look good when he's asking for access to DD.
Get advice from your social worker and women's aid, on what to do about the maintenance.

Jux · 01/06/2018 17:25

Is going to sponge off his parents? I suspect he's still just playing with you.

Go to CMS, but tell them he's threatened to just give up his job. You aren't going to be any worse off than you are now, are you, so what have you got to lose? Otoh, you may gain a sum in maintenance.

Keep a note of everything though. It will help a Judge get a good picture of what he's like.

MsJaneAusten · 01/06/2018 17:31

Why are you desperate for him to see DD? He’s hurt her, he’s hurt you, now that he’s not responding to you, take this opportunity to make the break. It’s his loss, not yours or DD’s. DD sounds like she has a wonderful Mum and you two will have a brilliant life without this asshole. Good luck

Motoko · 01/06/2018 18:46

Your DD is better off without him in her life. Don't try and force a relationship between them, he will only hurt her (definitely emotionally, and possibly physically).

Contact CMS and tell them he's threatened to quit his job, and that he hasn't paid maintenance. Don't suppose you've got any of his old wageslips in the house still? Anyway, get them to chase him for it.

RoseNarene · 01/06/2018 19:21

Why are you desperate for him to see her if he has hurt her in the past, attacked you and threatened to kill you?!

Contact CMS and get the maintenance sorted. Don't worry about his threats - ultimately he will lose out if he quits his job, and most of the time these people just threaten these things as a way of keeping control. My ex threatened shit all the time and then didn't do it.

Keep your child away from that abuser. Keep her safe. If he wants access he will go to court and you will make sure his has supervised access because of the history of DV, which you must document.

Keep EVERYTHING documented. Keep a log of all incidents. You never know when you might need it.

Original poster

CatLadyToddlerMother · 01/06/2018 21:22

He's living with his parents so assume he'd live off them. They've told me their happy for him to live off them and take me to court for custody/residency as not having a job apparently means he can dedicate his time to her - WA support worker says that's BS but the thought scares me a bit.

I'm desperate for him to see her because I do feel like I am to blame for what happened between us, yes he manipulated me, yes he abused me, yes he hurt me, and yes he hurt my child but probably naively I think circumstances dictated that and maybe now he can be a good dad to her, and if not she needs to grow up and make those decisions for herself.

OP posts:

Jux · 01/06/2018 21:53

You are wrong though, you do know that?

He hurt her.
You need to protect her.

Motoko · 01/06/2018 23:01

No Cats, you need to protect her. It's not like vegetarianism, or religion (something they can decide when they're old enough), this is for her safety, and you need to keep her safe. That means that if he wants contact, he has to take you to court, where the judge will hear from SS that he hurt her and needs access to be supervised, if he's allowed it at all.

Come on, you've come a long way since you left him, but you keep veering back to worrying that he will get custody, and thinking that he should be able to see her.
You need to work on his brainwashing of you, and remember that you have ALL THE OFFICIAL PEOPLE WHO MATTER on your side.

Believe in yourself. Remember that you are a good mum, and have your DDs best interests at heart. He doesn't care about her, he's just using her to keep control of you. Break free!

MsJaneAusten · 01/06/2018 23:59

Bravo @motoko!

@OP - print out her post and pin it to your bathroom mirror. Read it every day until you believe it.

Mxyzptlk · 02/06/2018 00:37

There is NEVER an excuse for a grown adult hurting a child.

His behaviour since leaving shows he has no interest in having a good relationship with DD. He is only interested in tormenting you.

Everything went wrong and you'd like to fix it but it wasn't your fault and you can't fix your H into becoming a decent human being.

Tistheseason17 · 02/06/2018 08:53

yes he manipulated me, yes he abused me, yes he hurt me, and yes he hurt my child

This should not be followed by the word, BUT.

He is an adult and responsible for his actions so please do not make excuses for him or minimise what he has done. He will be capable of doing it again and then how would you feel?

Stay strong for your DD. Keep talking to support services for reassurance as you do need the confidence to know you are doing the right thing

Mxyzptlk · 02/06/2018 09:05

maybe now he can be a good dad to her, and if not she needs to grow up and make those decisions for herself.

Surely you don't mean this how it sounds?
It sounds like you want to give your ex every chance for years on end, allowing your DD to grow up trying to understand what's going on when he acts like a complete prat and eventually having to decide if she wants to keep him in her life.

If he wanted to be a good dad, he'd be showing interest in DD's health, and he'd be making sure you get maintenance money for her, not trying to weasel out of paying it.

Limited supervised contact is what should happen until he proves he can be a good dad. (Which seems very unlikely)

RoseNarene · 02/06/2018 09:36

If you didn't take steps to protect her and then your child got seriously hurt, or worse, how would you feel then?

From what I've heard there is a serious chance that this could happen.

Keep your child away from him. DOCUMENT EVERYTHING. Get as much evidence of DV as you can for when you go to court. The court won't award your child to him just because he's jobless, otherwise all parents in custody disputes would just give up their jobs. It's not that simple, especially with DV. They are more interested in who has been the main caregiver, which definitely at the moment is you exclusively.

Please, OP, I am begging you... protect your child. Keep her safe from him. This is your most important job as a mother.

Original poster

CatLadyToddlerMother · 02/06/2018 14:29

I am paranoid because he's made me that way. He told me I was an awful mother and that I can't cope, so I believe I can't. Bad days just reinforce that to me, I shouted at her/put her in time out/she was ill because...(delete as appropriate) therefore I am an awful person and a bad mother.

WA are doing some self esteem and self confidence work with me so hopefully my views of myself will change. But I've always hated myself, from the age of about 11. I was always the girl at school no-one liked, no-one wanted to speak to and got treated like a bad disease should they be forced to sit next to me. I spent most of my teens alone. And I felt like an inconvenience to my dad and although I know my mum loved us and tried her best, she always had a crisis going on so I stayed very closed off to her too.

And here I am moaning on the internet. what does that make me?

OP posts:

MumW · 02/06/2018 14:50

And here I am moaning on the internet. what does that make me?
No different to any other parent. We all need to vent, sometimes in RL, sometimes anonymously online.

Stay strong, remember what he's done to you, how he's made you feel, all the self-doubt he's induced in you and that he is still managing to make you feel inferior, then ask yourself whether you want that for your DD.

Your desire to facilitate a relationship between DD and her DF is admirable but you might like to ponder on whether you are misguided.

Tistheseason17 · 02/06/2018 14:50

It makes you.... someone who is worthy.

First step is to love and accept yourself as you are.

I had similar feelings after some difficult experiences through childhood to adulthood. The best advice I received was to make up, go to my mirror and say, "I love myself". Sounds corny, but after a while of doing it you will believe it. The power of self should not be underestimated.

MipMipMip · 02/06/2018 14:53

It makes you someone with the sense to realise you need an outlet (as we all do) and the intelligence to find somewhere where you can get well deserved support.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 02/06/2018 15:02

You are an incredibly brave woman who is coping with an awful situation. You have every right to look for support and we are happy to give it.

MsJaneAusten · 02/06/2018 15:09

You’re amazing. That’s what you are.

You’re going to give that girl a wonderful life because she’ll be bought up by someone who loves her and took action to protect her.

AcrossthePond55 · 02/06/2018 17:00

Well, personally I think you're amazing!!!

Something that helped me after I left an EA marriage was to ask myself, when I heard those awful critical comments in my head, just exactly whose voice was I hearing? Whose words were they? And you know what, it wasn't my voice or words. It was his. And I began to recognize when it was his voice and when it was my own true voice. And that my own opinion of myself was more along the lines of "Hey, you're doing OK" and "Look how far you've come". It still took awhile to completely banish his vileness from my head, but I did with the help of counseling and friends.

SweetCheeks1980 · 02/06/2018 17:34

Get your brother, your dad, a few mates and get your ex out and get the locks changed.

nonevernotever · 02/06/2018 17:47

Please rtft… this has moved on considerably.

I'm another who thinks you're doing amazingly. I really like Across the Pond's advice about asking whose voice it is in your head.

Dandeliontea123 · 02/06/2018 18:39

It makes you a survivor, OP, and somebody who can be protective of and sensitive to your DD’s needs...unlike her DF.

Mxyzptlk · 02/06/2018 23:17

Just read through some of the posts on here to see what people think of you now, not those losers from your past.

"Hey, you're doing OK" and "Look how far you've come"

That's what you should be hearing now, CatLady.

Flip

1 2 ··· 30 31 32 ··· 39 40