I’ve lost haven’t I? He’s got what he wanted

[CatLadyToddlerMother]

On Sunday afternoon I was attacked by my husband and he threatened to kill me.

On the advise of the police I left my home with my DD who played two foot from us when this happened.

And I haven’t been back. Because he has. And it doesn’t feel fair. The tenancy is in joint names so he can’t be evicted, and he has the legal right to live there. He won’t sign the form to have his name taken off the tenancy so I can move in.

I’m trying to get an occupancy order but a solicitor won’t act until I can prove I’m entitled to Legal Aid, which I can’t as all my benefits letters are at my flat which I’ve been advised not to go back to by the Housing Association and the Police - I don’t work as DD has a few extra needs so claims DLA and CTC which is my entitlement to LA. I’m waiting for Women’s Aid to assign me a Support Worker so I can prove it another way but they’ve told me as I’m not in immediate danger it could take up to 3 weeks. The housing association have no legal obligation to house DD and I while my name is on that tenancy, and if I sign my name off the tenancy they can place me anywhere in the county which takes me away from my mum and brother (I’m living there atm) who are my biggest support at the moment.

I feel like I’ve lost. He gets to break the law, and still wins. I can’t go out on my own because I’m so scared, I tried to get to DDs Nursery alone yesterday morning and got a quarter of the way and had to call them saying I couldn’t get any further. They were lovely and bought the Nursery car and a car seat and took us both to the Nursery but walking back alone I was shaking and it took ages to get home. My mum had to pick DD up from Nursery.

It’s so unfair. I can’t live like this for another month. My DDs got no toys or clothes, and I feel guilty using my mums bread and milk and food when she’s on a low income herself. I just want to go home.

He’s won hasn’t he? I’m up shit creek without a paddle, still liable for a flat I don’t live in and have no money or clothes.

I feel like such a crap mum, I’ve let my DD down, has I ignored the police and stayed home he wouldn’t have been allowed back and then he’d have had to have tried to get me out which with me having DD would have been hard for him to do.

And I’m so worried he’s going to petition the courts for access to our DD, I don’t like her being out of my sight atm but I know he’s her dad and I can’t stop him seeing her (I never would but I just want time to get my head together and have a home)

I hope this might be useful.
www.citizensadvice.org.uk/benefits/help-if-on-a-low-income/help-with-your-council-tax-council-tax-reduction/

Council tax is paid for me this is a debt from when I was living on my mums sofa and ExH was in the flat, we’re still liable for that but he won’t pay.

Try to stop immediately jumping to thinking about losing your daughter every time you hit a hurdle. From what you've told us about your ex there will be further hurdles to overcome. And you'll get over them.

But nobody is going to take your daughter from you.

No one will take your daughter from you.

Keep telling yourself that.

Can you not access the money in that account then? I don't understand why this debt (which is at least half of his, if not all his) can't be paid out of that money. He might not like it, but that doesn't really matter.

kaitlinktm No access at all to it, until either I sign my name off it and let him have it or vise versa (which won't happen as he wants all the money) or I get a consent order when I get divorced which stipulates what the money can be used for and whose it is.

You can contact Stepchange or CAP who are debt charities, for advice.

Hi, CatLady. Have you made any progress with this, or been able to contact someone like the above, or Citizens Advice, for help?

I had a meeting with my Support Worker from Women's Aid again today and she's helped me write a letter to the council about the situation and has also made me ask the Social Worker to pay the Rent Arrears again for me, apparently I need to swallow my pride and do it.

The letter explains I am a single mother, on full benefits after the breakdown of my marriage due to DV, it says I want to pay but physically can't without putting myself and my young disabled DC at risk of homelessness so could they extend the deadline by a few months to give me the opportunity to pay other people off to free up money to pay them.

Apparently they should accept it.

We had a tenant do a runner owing us 1000s in rent, and it turned out he hadn't paid Council Tax since the day he moved in. We rang CT, not knowing this, to tell them he'd gone, the place would be empty until we'd cleaned and redecorated and that we had no tenant. They tried to make us pay the CT. For a while, it looked like we might actually have to, but after quite a few calls, they admitted that we didn't. DH is certain that there are just some people who will try to get the money out of you no matter what, and that if you phone often enough you'll get one "who's human".

Do they realise that you didn't live there at that time? That dh was sole occupier?

Yes I told them that but they said as we were both still named on the CT bill we’re both liable and he’s currently untraceable through CT records —aka his parents haven’t named him on their bill— so it’s me they’ll come to for the money

I have been talking to the Social Worker again today. She's apparently been a bit worried about me, she thinks my mental health isn't as good as I'm making out, she's made me a doctors appointment for tomorrow for her own "reassurance".

I haven't said absolutely everything here, but if any of you remember my thread on relationships (thread here if interested) there were safe guarding concerns about ExH and his inability to prevent unnecessary accidents as he left cutlery including knifes lying around. Well I also didn't say that he has in the past hurt our DD, I didn't think I'd be able to use it in court/against ExH as it was over a year ago but according to SW as I reported it to SS (via DDs very lovely Health Visitor) it would be taken into account by the courts when deciding contact. And if I were to lose DD (which she assures me won't happen if I keep my MH in check and co-operate with her as I have been) then she'd go into Foster Care either with a member of my family (probably my very lovely aunty who lives in the next town as she has the space for her and is known to DD) or if a member of my family couldn't then with Foster Parents. But I am not going to lose her.

Still not sorted the debts out, unfortunately SS can't help with it as they no longer do loans of any kind otherwise they'd offer.

Do feel some days like I'm fighting a losing battle with my mental health, if it's not insomnia, it's some very negative thoughts about how I've ruined 3 lives (mine, ExHs and DDs). I don't feel suicidal I just feel negative.

CatLadyToddlerMother I’ve PM’d you

I have no useful advice to add, just wanted to leave you some . Take it easy on yourself.

Thank you to everyone whose offered to pay my Council Tax arrears off, I couldn't possibly take money from strangers.

I have now sorted the problem. My granddad is going to pay half of it off for me and I will ring them on Tuesday to make an arrangement for the remaining £40, which should be only a couple of £s or so a month which is much more affordable than £8 a month.

That's good news about the council tax.

Ex-H is the one who's tried to ruin lives but you're doing really well at not letting that happen to you and DD.

Excellent news, what a lovely grandad you have! He's like Superman, saving the day, or like Batman, de de de de de de de de, de de de de de de de de GRANDAD!

It must be hard to stay positive when everything is going on like this, but you can see that you have lots of people who can help with the practicalities. Far from ruining 3 lives you have SAVED dd and yourself, and therefore, by extension every member of your family that you sare close to as they too would be utterly miserable if your ex harmed either of you, and you know he would, especially as he already has.

I am so pleased to hear that you had the sense to report his hurting dd a year ago, and that that will come up in Court, as that will come down heavily against unsupervised contact, if not against any contact at all.

There are many many women being abused by their partners, whose children are also being abused, and who have not managed to report the harm. You did - well done, CatLady, that was a very good days' work

Sending lots of love ❤
YOU have not ruined anyone's life. You are a blessing to your DD and she needs you.
See the GP as much as you need. I think you would benefit from a referral for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy aka CBT. It can take a while for the referral but stick with it. You will find it liberating x

How are you OP? Hoping you are well xx

You are amazing for so many reasons!!

You have not ruined three lives - you improved the two most important, yours and your daughter's.

Your is playing mind games so, just like you did on your doors, change your 'mental locks' and lock him out.

Keep on going, you've come too far to let the b'stard win and grind you down

Your ex is playing mind games!

Well he's not paid the maintenance again.

So I now have a choice. Do I chase him for it via CMS or assume this is his way of walking away from us? He's not responding to any of my emails, texts or anything regarding DD (she's due to have an operation in a few weeks time so I've had to make him aware of everything happening).

I don't want to assume he's walking away, as that's not what I want I am desperate for him to see her.

Even if he is trying to walk away, he should still pay maintenance.

Sorry should of said he's said he'll quit his job and not claim JSA etc if I chase him via CMS.