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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I’ve lost haven’t I? He’s got what he wanted

994 replies

CatLadyToddlerMother · 08/03/2018 09:15

On Sunday afternoon I was attacked by my husband and he threatened to kill me.

On the advise of the police I left my home with my DD who played two foot from us when this happened.

And I haven’t been back. Because he has. And it doesn’t feel fair. The tenancy is in joint names so he can’t be evicted, and he has the legal right to live there. He won’t sign the form to have his name taken off the tenancy so I can move in.

I’m trying to get an occupancy order but a solicitor won’t act until I can prove I’m entitled to Legal Aid, which I can’t as all my benefits letters are at my flat which I’ve been advised not to go back to by the Housing Association and the Police - I don’t work as DD has a few extra needs so claims DLA and CTC which is my entitlement to LA. I’m waiting for Women’s Aid to assign me a Support Worker so I can prove it another way but they’ve told me as I’m not in immediate danger it could take up to 3 weeks. The housing association have no legal obligation to house DD and I while my name is on that tenancy, and if I sign my name off the tenancy they can place me anywhere in the county which takes me away from my mum and brother (I’m living there atm) who are my biggest support at the moment.

I feel like I’ve lost. He gets to break the law, and still wins. I can’t go out on my own because I’m so scared, I tried to get to DDs Nursery alone yesterday morning and got a quarter of the way and had to call them saying I couldn’t get any further. They were lovely and bought the Nursery car and a car seat and took us both to the Nursery but walking back alone I was shaking and it took ages to get home. My mum had to pick DD up from Nursery.

It’s so unfair. I can’t live like this for another month. My DDs got no toys or clothes, and I feel guilty using my mums bread and milk and food when she’s on a low income herself. I just want to go home.

He’s won hasn’t he? I’m up shit creek without a paddle, still liable for a flat I don’t live in and have no money or clothes.

I feel like such a crap mum, I’ve let my DD down, has I ignored the police and stayed home he wouldn’t have been allowed back and then he’d have had to have tried to get me out which with me having DD would have been hard for him to do.

And I’m so worried he’s going to petition the courts for access to our DD, I don’t like her being out of my sight atm but I know he’s her dad and I can’t stop him seeing her (I never would but I just want time to get my head together and have a home)

OP posts:
Motoko · 15/05/2018 10:36

All my children have had jobs where they work shifts, and it's quite normal to only be given your shifts for the week, a week in advance. I would have said it was unusual to know 18 months in advance of what shift pattern you're working.

Barmaid101 · 15/05/2018 10:54

Wow I read the first part of this thread when you first left! You are doing amazingly don’t forget that. You are doing everything right and all the professionals are in your corner supporting you.

Original poster
CatLadyToddlerMother · 15/05/2018 11:43

No rest for the wicked.

Drop DD at Nursery this morning, leave the building to be called back as she's really upset. Take her to the doctors as not sure what else to do. My poor baby has conjunctivitis caused by constant rubbing due to hayfever, and the pollen has also managed to caused a nasal infection. No wonder she was so upset! So now on eye drops 4 times a day, nasal drops 5 times a day and a twice daily antihistamine to try and stop it happening again. Feel awful, how could I have missed that? Been giving her piriton, I thought it was working. Her poor elephant teddy is going to need another wash after she's over the infections though as I'm sure he's (it's definitely a boy, she corrects you if you say she or it Wink) infected himself as she cuddles him and wipes her nose on him or leaves him on the grass/in the pushchair while she plays.

She's in Nursery for a couple of hours now, but picking her up at 2pm due to her having an appointment for one of her underlying conditions.

OP posts:
Jux · 15/05/2018 12:58

Oh poor little mite!

Not your fault, CatLady, and we've all done it. I once knew a woman whose young toddler had the most horrendous ear infection but she had no idea until she found him one morning with blood soaking his pillow. He'd not said a thing about his pain....

WhingyNinja · 15/05/2018 13:46

I've managed to catch up with your threads and wanted to reiterate that you are AWESOME!

Your daughter is lucky to have such a fabulous mother who would do anything for her. Shame her father is an abusive, selfish arsehole but she will realise that when she grows up.

Stay strong, you're doing brilliantly. I'm rooting for you Thanks

StayingAtTamaras · 16/05/2018 20:57

how are you doing OP?

Original poster
CatLadyToddlerMother · 18/05/2018 18:14

DDs come down with chicken pox, unsurprisingly as 12 of the 16 children in her Nursery have it at the moment.

ExH is not impressed, his dad is immuno-suppressed so he won't be able to have contact with DD while she's infectious. He's called me a nasty bitch...yes because I deliberately gave my DD CP [hmmm] idiot.

OP posts:
Mxyzptlk · 18/05/2018 18:16

Confused Idiot, indeed.

Tulip7 · 18/05/2018 18:25

@CatLadyToddlerMother

I work in social housing, and if the tenancy is in joint names (both if your names) either one of you can provide your standard notice in writing (usually 4 weeks) to legally end that tenancy. Regardless if he's signed the notice, as the tenancy is joint only one party can end in behalf of both of you.

This may persuade your partner to sign a deed of release to have your name removed so you can apply for your own tenancy, or if he refuses to do that, at the end of the 4 weeks provided you've signed a termination of tenancy document the tenancy will be ended. If he's still in occupation then the HA will need interest him as an illegal occupier .

If you want more help or assistance, let me know.

Tulip7 · 18/05/2018 18:27

@CatLadyToddlerMother

Sorry, few typos there. Either party can end the tenancy for both parties.

And if he's still in occupation once you've ended the tenancy the HA will have to go down the illegal occupier route with him.

Original poster
CatLadyToddlerMother · 18/05/2018 18:30

@Tulip7 Thank you for that, I am in the flat now, but hoping to move so good to know I can end the tenancy and move without needing his say so.

OP posts:
Tulip7 · 18/05/2018 20:37

@CatLadyToddlerMother

No worries. Hope it all works out for you. May be worth asking the HA on advice, and definitely get a copy of your signed tenancy agreement. It should say it all in there.

Original poster
CatLadyToddlerMother · 19/05/2018 16:39

At last he asks about her! Only taken nearly 3 months.

OP posts:
Original poster
CatLadyToddlerMother · 21/05/2018 13:34

Just brilliant Angry

Liable for the Council Tax while I was living at my mums and ExH was here. he is also liable for it, but is refusing to pay. I can't pay it, it's £80 something which is 2 weeks food for me.

And it's me that they'll come after and put a CCJ against not him, because I am the one now living at the property. Apparently it doesn't matter that he's working and I'm on full benefits because he no longer appears on council records as liable for a property so it's my job to pay it.

If I lose my home DD has to go live with her dad, so I either pay it and potentially starve for 2 weeks, or I lose my home and my DD.

I didn't hate him before, but I definitely do now.

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 21/05/2018 14:14

Can you offer to pay five pounds a month or something like that?

kaitlinktm · 21/05/2018 14:37

Have you actually phoned up and spoken to them? Can your social worker help? Surely they will accept some form of payment plan.

Original poster
CatLadyToddlerMother · 21/05/2018 14:52

I have spoken to them, that's how I know it's me they'll come after. I offered £3 a month but as it would take over 2 years to pay off they've said no I need to offer at least £8 a month so it's paid off by this time next year. I can't even really afford the £3 with rent arrears and I credit card bill to pay so I'm screwed if they want £8

OP posts:
Mountainsoutofmolehills · 21/05/2018 14:56

can you go around with people that won't get his heccles up, mutual friends ensure good behaviour, your parents, his parents, a french foreign legion soldier......... Do not be intimidated by this man, he is in the wrong and you are in the right. Have courage and don't doubt yourself. He hasn't ever won, he is a git. Never be so foolish with your own safety or your daughters gain. We live and learn.

Motoko · 21/05/2018 15:32

Credit card is a non priority debt, council tax is a priority debt. Pay the £8 a month to the council tax, and reduce your payment to the credit card. You can contact Stepchange or CAP who are debt charities, for advice.

Motoko · 21/05/2018 15:34

Mountains what are you talking about? Go round where, for what reason?
Have you only read the first post, which OP posted at the beginning of March? Things have obviously moved on since then.

titchy · 21/05/2018 17:46

If I lose my home DD has to go live with her dad,

You've alluded to this several times. Do you genuinely understand that this wouldn't happen - she'd be in foster care if you couldn't look after her as SS have deemed him unfit.

You really need to understand this - it's vital to your ability to care for her that you do not let him have unsupervised access to her, whatever the circumstances.

jamoncrumpets · 21/05/2018 17:47

They won't allow your DD to be cared for by a violent parent. You have to stop worrying that he'll take her from you - he doesn't have a leg to stand on.

Boysnme · 21/05/2018 18:54

I can’t remember what you said happened to the money you were holding but can you pay it out of that given it’s a joint debt?

Original poster
CatLadyToddlerMother · 21/05/2018 19:21

Money is still locked in the account. ExH has said he wants all of it and won't be helping me pay any debt and when he has made me offers for it I haven't felt able to take it because I don't trust he'd actually give me any of the money. So for now it's not an option.

OP posts:
Mxyzptlk · 21/05/2018 19:25

Ask your council about getting the council tax paid for you, as you are on benefits.

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