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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I’ve lost haven’t I? He’s got what he wanted

994 replies

CatLadyToddlerMother · 08/03/2018 09:15

On Sunday afternoon I was attacked by my husband and he threatened to kill me.

On the advise of the police I left my home with my DD who played two foot from us when this happened.

And I haven’t been back. Because he has. And it doesn’t feel fair. The tenancy is in joint names so he can’t be evicted, and he has the legal right to live there. He won’t sign the form to have his name taken off the tenancy so I can move in.

I’m trying to get an occupancy order but a solicitor won’t act until I can prove I’m entitled to Legal Aid, which I can’t as all my benefits letters are at my flat which I’ve been advised not to go back to by the Housing Association and the Police - I don’t work as DD has a few extra needs so claims DLA and CTC which is my entitlement to LA. I’m waiting for Women’s Aid to assign me a Support Worker so I can prove it another way but they’ve told me as I’m not in immediate danger it could take up to 3 weeks. The housing association have no legal obligation to house DD and I while my name is on that tenancy, and if I sign my name off the tenancy they can place me anywhere in the county which takes me away from my mum and brother (I’m living there atm) who are my biggest support at the moment.

I feel like I’ve lost. He gets to break the law, and still wins. I can’t go out on my own because I’m so scared, I tried to get to DDs Nursery alone yesterday morning and got a quarter of the way and had to call them saying I couldn’t get any further. They were lovely and bought the Nursery car and a car seat and took us both to the Nursery but walking back alone I was shaking and it took ages to get home. My mum had to pick DD up from Nursery.

It’s so unfair. I can’t live like this for another month. My DDs got no toys or clothes, and I feel guilty using my mums bread and milk and food when she’s on a low income herself. I just want to go home.

He’s won hasn’t he? I’m up shit creek without a paddle, still liable for a flat I don’t live in and have no money or clothes.

I feel like such a crap mum, I’ve let my DD down, has I ignored the police and stayed home he wouldn’t have been allowed back and then he’d have had to have tried to get me out which with me having DD would have been hard for him to do.

And I’m so worried he’s going to petition the courts for access to our DD, I don’t like her being out of my sight atm but I know he’s her dad and I can’t stop him seeing her (I never would but I just want time to get my head together and have a home)

OP posts:
sunshine99789 · 13/05/2018 09:07

You have always had your daughters best interests at heart which is more than can be said for him.

Stay strong OP, he hasnt got a hope in hell of getting custody xx

Mxyzptlk · 13/05/2018 09:10

If that was true, the courts would be full of people wanting to 'keep asking' til they get their own way. That doesn't happen.

Motoko · 13/05/2018 13:20

He's lying. First of all, a solicitor would not tell him that. Secondly, the courts do not award custody just because they're being pestered! It would be ridiculous to think they work that way.

Just remind yourself that everything coming out of his mouth, is bullshit, pure and simple. It's designed to break you. No way in hell does he even want custody!

Ignore, ignore, ignore.

AcrossthePond55 · 13/05/2018 14:12

He knows exactly how to get to you, how to push your buttons, doesn't he? Take a deep breath. Don't let him do this to you. He isn't God and he doesn't own the legal system.

Your best weapon against him is to not react to him when he says shit like this. He wants to see you scared because in the past you've given in when he does this shit. But you aren't giving in now!

Remain calm. Let WA know what he's said.

Jux · 13/05/2018 18:54

It's pretty good that he's stated he's going to send her to that nursery, and that shows very clearly that he's not thinking about what's best for dd at all. Did he say all that in writing? That would be SPLENDID!

Can you try to think about his nonsense as evidence which goes against him? You'll find that it upsets you less. Whenever you get some sort of communication from him can you remind yourself that it's almost certainly going to be evidence against him and therefore excellent news for you before you open it? "Let's see how well he's propping up my case today then," or somesuch.

Jux · 13/05/2018 18:57

Oh, and it sounds more like he hasn't got a solicitor at all. Maybe a man in the pub.

Motoko · 13/05/2018 20:23

Oh, and even if he does get a solicitor, you can bet he won't tell them that he hit you, or that social services said he should not have unsupervised access, so anything they do tell him, will be based on misinformation, which will come out in court. So even if they tell him he has a good case, it won't be true.

So please stop worrying. Think of his messages, as Jux said, as evidence against him. The more he sends you, the bigger the hole he's digging himself in. And more evidence is really good news for you!

shakingmyhead1 · 14/05/2018 08:56

Let him go to court...
DONT PANIC!
they do not take children off mothers who have all these agencies in her corner,
they do not!
and as he has a violence record now they may well suggest he get that sorted first
and as you have kept all the emails and text messages and voice mails that are filled with abuse and threats from him and his family, it is highly unlikely he will get unsupervised access, especially when you add in the threats of them making sure you don't see her again or everyday...
and if the judge or children's advocate ask him details of her GDD or medication or what maintenance he pays or whats her fave food or colour etc and he cant answer one personal detail about her life that he should know he wont really have a leg to stand on....
have no more face to face contact with him ( you and him) or voice chats, conduct all conversations over text or email and save every bit as it is all now evidence to support you and showing what a cunt he is.....
and again
DONT PANIC
you are a good mum,
you know you are a good mum,

you have many professionals telling you that you are a good mum so start believing it! and living it!
as soon as you actually start telling yourself you are a good mum you will find your nervousness and self doubt will fade!!
BE THE SUPERHERO YOU ARE!!
Say it out loud... I AM A GOOD MUM!!!! say it now!

Motoko · 14/05/2018 12:31

You're not just a good mum, you're a FUCKING, DAMN GOOD MUM!

Time to shake off his conditioning and believe in yourself.

Queenofthestress · 14/05/2018 13:04

A true solicitor would tell him that if he makes unreasonable requests to the courts more than so many times they will ban him from making an application for so many years.
A true solicitor will tell him that the courts will not rip a child with additional needs away from their primary caregiver.
A true solicitor will tell him that they will not rip a child with additional needs away from the one person who knows their needs inside & out.

He can get to fuck.
Keep all the messages and let him take you to court. Also, notify social services of what else he's been saying.

Justanothernameonthepage · 14/05/2018 13:10

Hoping he gave all that in writing. Future response is ' well I guess we should only contact each other via solicitor unless it's an emergency. Please pass on your solicitors details to mine and I'll see you in Court's.

Contrabassista · 14/05/2018 14:21

I just read the whole thread. I’ve got so much admiration for you Cat. You are coping so well and with crap being thrown at you from all angles.
This recent contact from your ex is a lie, pure and simple. After everything he has done he wants to bring you down emotionally.
Consider perhaps stopping contact for a while as you need a break from all this. You give him access and set it all up, then every time he throws it back in your face and more.
I was the same. I took so much crap to enable my child to maintain contact and got it thrown back in my face. It didn’t do me any favours in the long term. You seem to have a pretty good team from women’s aid and the nursery around you. Just stop contact, give the phone with the number he has to a friend for a bit and have a rest with Mini. She sounds ace and you sound incredible. Give yourself some credit, and some time without having to jump every time the phone goes. You deserve it. Don’t let him wreck the amazing work you’ve done. He has to know he needs to get help and treatment before he can even be considered for one to one access with Mini. He needs to know this very clearly. What he did to you is unbelievably serious and clearly wasn’t an isolated incident. Leave it with the court. After this you have every right to do this and you deserve a hiatus. Sending love and loads of respect.
It gets easier, I promise

Original poster
CatLadyToddlerMother · 14/05/2018 19:08

7 days notice for contact isn't unreasonable is it? And I don't have to deviate from the 7 days? Only asking because ExH has emailed me asking to see DD on Sunday (20th) but it's only 6 days away so I've said no, I have plans anyway but not told him that.

OP posts:
Mxyzptlk · 14/05/2018 20:01

Of course 7 days notice is reasonable. He's trying to chip away at what you've agreed. Well done for not giving in to him.

SickofThomasTheTank · 14/05/2018 20:10

You can be put into a Women's Aid Refuge temporarily. Meanwhile, call NCDV and they will look up your entitlement to LA online and assign you a Solicitor within the hour who can get you an Occupancy Order and a Non-Mol within 48 hours. CALL WOMENS AID BACK!!!!!!

SickofThomasTheTank · 14/05/2018 20:12

@LouHotel Where has OP mentioned that she has a brother?

HappyHedgehog247 · 14/05/2018 20:18

Hello cat

I haven't read through the whole thread but I have some of it and I just wanted to let you know going to court was great for me and my abusive ex as it gave me a cast iron order that meant I could minimise all extra communication, wasn't continually being hassled and DC and I could just get on with living our lives. It's all fear tactics.

I set up a separate email address and got a separate PAYG phone for the Ex so I could deal with his messages when I chose. I also stopped ever responding instantly so it just calmed and slowed everything down. Good luck. You are doing great.

Original poster
CatLadyToddlerMother · 14/05/2018 20:23

SickofThomasTheTank I do have a brother, he's been mentioned several times throughout the thread.

OP posts:
Original poster
CatLadyToddlerMother · 14/05/2018 20:24

HappyHedgehog247 Separate email address set up and sim card is in my old phone and I have a new number. He only contacts me on the old number, and it's for emergencies only now. I sent him a letter saying I wanted letter or email contact only.

OP posts:
NameWithChamge · 14/05/2018 20:37

How often is he seeing her @CatLadyToddlerMother ?

Can you not just set up a fortnightly arrangement and cut out the backwards and forwards arrangements and conversations ?

As much as I don't want you to give into his demands - I do think you need to pick your battles with him, if there is any way to keep things slightly less stressful it will benefit you and your Ds.

Original poster
CatLadyToddlerMother · 14/05/2018 20:40

NameWithChamge I've sent him a letter asking for a regular weekly or fortnightly arrangement, which the solicitor from WA helped me write but he "can't commit due to his and his parents shift patterns" so it's ad hoc at the moment, I don't like it but I'm trying to be reasonable so asking for 7 days notice.

OP posts:
ToadsforJustice · 14/05/2018 20:57

Hi Cat, I think the shift pattern excuse is a bit pathetic. My shift pattern is planned 18 months ahead. Surely he must know what he is working. How else would he plan a holiday?

Don't change your offer. It's not your problem. He asked for the 20th knowing full well that it wasn't 7 days notice. He knew you would say no.

You are doing so well. You have made your offer. The ball is in his court know. Don't communicate with him. It's up to him to contact you.

You are not unreasonable. He is. He is showing little or no commitment to Mini. How can he even think of going to court and demanding MIni be given to him when he doesn't know what shifts he is working?

Original poster
CatLadyToddlerMother · 14/05/2018 21:01

ToadsforJustice He gets his shift patterns 1 week ahead, he can ask for Annual Leave no less than 6 weeks before he wants it and up to 12 months in advance, and he can take no less than 5 days off at a time and they often cancel AL with 1-2 weeks notice, he's never used a full years allowance for AL in the time we were together because his work would often cancel it due to being understaffed.

OP posts:
ToadsforJustice · 14/05/2018 21:23

Fair enough.

StayingAtTamaras · 15/05/2018 08:50

just RTFT and you are absolutely incredible! I really admire you and think you're incredibly brave and strong Thanks