I’ve lost haven’t I? He’s got what he wanted

[CatLadyToddlerMother]

On Sunday afternoon I was attacked by my husband and he threatened to kill me.

On the advise of the police I left my home with my DD who played two foot from us when this happened.

And I haven’t been back. Because he has. And it doesn’t feel fair. The tenancy is in joint names so he can’t be evicted, and he has the legal right to live there. He won’t sign the form to have his name taken off the tenancy so I can move in.

I’m trying to get an occupancy order but a solicitor won’t act until I can prove I’m entitled to Legal Aid, which I can’t as all my benefits letters are at my flat which I’ve been advised not to go back to by the Housing Association and the Police - I don’t work as DD has a few extra needs so claims DLA and CTC which is my entitlement to LA. I’m waiting for Women’s Aid to assign me a Support Worker so I can prove it another way but they’ve told me as I’m not in immediate danger it could take up to 3 weeks. The housing association have no legal obligation to house DD and I while my name is on that tenancy, and if I sign my name off the tenancy they can place me anywhere in the county which takes me away from my mum and brother (I’m living there atm) who are my biggest support at the moment.

I feel like I’ve lost. He gets to break the law, and still wins. I can’t go out on my own because I’m so scared, I tried to get to DDs Nursery alone yesterday morning and got a quarter of the way and had to call them saying I couldn’t get any further. They were lovely and bought the Nursery car and a car seat and took us both to the Nursery but walking back alone I was shaking and it took ages to get home. My mum had to pick DD up from Nursery.

It’s so unfair. I can’t live like this for another month. My DDs got no toys or clothes, and I feel guilty using my mums bread and milk and food when she’s on a low income herself. I just want to go home.

He’s won hasn’t he? I’m up shit creek without a paddle, still liable for a flat I don’t live in and have no money or clothes.

I feel like such a crap mum, I’ve let my DD down, has I ignored the police and stayed home he wouldn’t have been allowed back and then he’d have had to have tried to get me out which with me having DD would have been hard for him to do.

And I’m so worried he’s going to petition the courts for access to our DD, I don’t like her being out of my sight atm but I know he’s her dad and I can’t stop him seeing her (I never would but I just want time to get my head together and have a home)

It was your mum, she's done something like this before hasn't she? When they kept ringing her up. It worked for them the last time, and it's worked again this time.

Sorry you're having to deal with this again, you should be able to trust her not to give out your number.

But you're doing the right thing, don't waver or doubt yourself.

So sorry you're dealing with this. Stay strong, ignore the texts. Look at how well you have looked after your daughter since it happened, that's all the proof you need she should be with you

Keep on keeping on, CatLady, you are in the right, and ex and his horrid mum are wrong wrong wrong.

Good idea re only using old sim to contact him and keeping new sim well out of it. You might need to call your provider to ask for a bew number but that's generally pretty easy so don't worry.

You are doing really well. Be strong, you can do this.

Surely the types of messages your MIL sends are harrassment. I think you should talk to Women's Aid about them.

Your MiL is harassing you and you could have a case for pressing charges. Block her number on both sims. You need only communicate with your ex atm.

Good thinking to act as if you didn't get the messages on the new number. Make them think it's not the right number at all.

It's really crap if your mum's given the new number out. Does she have to know your number, or could you tell her you changed it again and you're not giving the new one to her? She'll just have to use the old one or the landline.

Surely she doesn't have to answer calls or messages from ex or exMiL. Yet it seems that's what she's done with no thought for you.

Do I just give in and let him have her?

Of course not, you know that won't be safe for her in a number of ways.
And don't let ex have her for contact with only his choice of supervision. That would be as bad as him having her on his own, which the SW said shouldn't happen.

Bit complicated. But basically Support Worker from WA is only allowed to speak to the SW, SW can speak to Nursery or DDs Health Visitor and my WA Support Worker.

Nursery called the SW because DD said something a bit concerning. (This was last week).

SW decided to call my Support Worker because she was concerned about me, not because I said anything concerning but because the Nursery also said I'm not "looking myself", and they were concerned. She also wanted to ask about DD without asking me directly as I have a habit of not trusting the SW.

I've seen my Support Worker today (still with me?)

Support Worker has talked me down from giving ExH what he wants. Has told me that the SW is pleased with me and apparently she (SW) thinks I am brilliant mother and DD is apparently happy. Support Worker said something that sounded like something the General Manager at Nursery would say, but sounds like Nursery have no major concerns over DD hence why they didn't mention what she'd told them to me.

I've been fed, made to have a shower (even though I shower daily!) and not been allowed to leave the building until they were certain I was 100% ok. While all this has been happening, the WA solicitor has written me a letter to send to ExH outlining contact and when we will review the situation, apparently if he still chooses to take me to court over it then the judge will only give him what has been stated in the letter.

I am exhausted, but I am feeling happier. DD spent the afternoon with my mum and brother, who have spoilt her rotten with ice cream and new toys despite it being her birthday in 6 weeks time where she will get more new toys!

Well done CLTM, sounds like great progress. It's a good thing people are looking out for you, even if you may feel a bit patronised sometimes, but glad you've got the feedback that you are a good mum (of course you are!). Good luck.

Well done, that Support Worker.
It's no wonder you've been feeling overwhelmed by all the crap that's come your way. It's so great that someone has your back.
Keep putting DD first in everything you do and it should all work out fine.

You seem to be a person that inspires a lot of love. I'm so glad you are in good hands.

Keep going, OP. Stay strong, you CAN do it

Well done you and lovely Support Worker! We all need a bit of coddling at times, even if it's just a shower and a bite to eat. I'm glad it's given you your determination back.

Head up, shoulders back, one step at a time.

Whenever you feel like giving in to him, remember you've got all these official people on your side who know he should not get what he wants.

Stop doubting yourself. This is a result of his abuse. You are more than capable of looking after your daughter, and it's YOU who has her best interests at heart. He doesn't care about her, he's just using her to try and control you again.

I think I might have made a new friend!

A few weeks ago while out with my mum and granddad bumped into my mums sister and her friend. Went for a cuppa in the cafe with everyone and got chatting to the friend. She's older than me, but younger than my mum/aunt. Had a really lovely time with her, but didn't think I'd see her again. She added me on Facebook last week.

She's just messaged me asking if I'd like to go to the park with DD and her DS (whose a bit older than DD) today as the weathers nice. Turns out she only lives a 2 minute walk from me.

Sounds great

He's read my letter and is taking me to court anyway...I feel sick. I don't want to go to court. I asked to discuss it with him, I asked him to tell me what he wants. "Mini's coming to live with me, either through you telling me she is or because I pester the courts until I get it, Solicitor has told me if I ask enough they'll give me what I want. Hope you can afford to pay half of Nursery Fees I'm moving her to x Nursery* and also maintenance on top. And also expect to hear from the police soon as the solicitor told me that money is mine and your breaking the law holding it hostage" fuck sake

*Which is £10 per day more expensive and can't cater to her SN and has a waiting list

Hi CatLady, long time lurker on this thread since the very beginning but just read your latest update and I wanted to say don’t give up. Ex is deluded to think he can get custody because he just keeps asking, the system does not work like that and you’ve proven how brilliant you are as a mother, you have nothing to worry about.

Keep your head held high, I know that’s easier said than done but you’ve been so strong you just need to keep pushing through! Sorry I can’t be of any more use than to just say that, sending

Solicitor has told me if I ask enough they'll give me what I want

Has he really even got a solicitor? The courts don’t work like that!

*Which is £10 per day more expensive and can't cater to her SN and has a waiting list

All good, valid reasons why this can’t happen.

Please make sure you are making a diary of his nasty comments including time of day and how he contacted you. Don't delete any texts. He is trying to intimidate you.
You CAN and WILL do this and you are best for your daughter - don't believe his lies

You don't know that any of what he says is true. I suspect he is just reacting to your letter. "If he asks enough he will get custody". If I ask the National Lottery enough, can I have the jackpot? No? Thought not.

Chin up Cat, this is just another knee jerk reaction from him. Remember, the SW won't allow him unsupervised contact I believe. It is unlikely that IF this goes to court, any judge will disagree.

Mini's coming to live with me, either through you telling me she is or because I pester the courts until I get it

Social services have already expressed there concerns about him looking after mini so the courts are verrrrrrrry unlikely to give him custody against the advice of a social worker. Hes full off shit and trying to intimidate you into doing what he wants. Ignore his crap op

He’s trying to break you. Please please don’t let him. There’s not a hope in hell of him getting her, he’s just trying to intimidate you.
Believe me when I say I know how hard it is but please don’t give into him! He’s a manipulative abusive bully

He is lying. Custody is not granted because you keep asking. He is trying to break you. He wont though. Never ever. Because he is a ridiculous tiny little wank stain who only feels happy when he can control and hurt others. You are marvelous.

Keep your chin up, your doing great your ex is a gold plated cock womble xxx