I’ve lost haven’t I? He’s got what he wanted

[CatLadyToddlerMother]

On Sunday afternoon I was attacked by my husband and he threatened to kill me.

On the advise of the police I left my home with my DD who played two foot from us when this happened.

And I haven’t been back. Because he has. And it doesn’t feel fair. The tenancy is in joint names so he can’t be evicted, and he has the legal right to live there. He won’t sign the form to have his name taken off the tenancy so I can move in.

I’m trying to get an occupancy order but a solicitor won’t act until I can prove I’m entitled to Legal Aid, which I can’t as all my benefits letters are at my flat which I’ve been advised not to go back to by the Housing Association and the Police - I don’t work as DD has a few extra needs so claims DLA and CTC which is my entitlement to LA. I’m waiting for Women’s Aid to assign me a Support Worker so I can prove it another way but they’ve told me as I’m not in immediate danger it could take up to 3 weeks. The housing association have no legal obligation to house DD and I while my name is on that tenancy, and if I sign my name off the tenancy they can place me anywhere in the county which takes me away from my mum and brother (I’m living there atm) who are my biggest support at the moment.

I feel like I’ve lost. He gets to break the law, and still wins. I can’t go out on my own because I’m so scared, I tried to get to DDs Nursery alone yesterday morning and got a quarter of the way and had to call them saying I couldn’t get any further. They were lovely and bought the Nursery car and a car seat and took us both to the Nursery but walking back alone I was shaking and it took ages to get home. My mum had to pick DD up from Nursery.

It’s so unfair. I can’t live like this for another month. My DDs got no toys or clothes, and I feel guilty using my mums bread and milk and food when she’s on a low income herself. I just want to go home.

He’s won hasn’t he? I’m up shit creek without a paddle, still liable for a flat I don’t live in and have no money or clothes.

I feel like such a crap mum, I’ve let my DD down, has I ignored the police and stayed home he wouldn’t have been allowed back and then he’d have had to have tried to get me out which with me having DD would have been hard for him to do.

And I’m so worried he’s going to petition the courts for access to our DD, I don’t like her being out of my sight atm but I know he’s her dad and I can’t stop him seeing her (I never would but I just want time to get my head together and have a home)

I agree. Just get off FB. It's rubbish anyway,

Or set up a new account with a different name so that you can keep in touch with key friends and family but be careful what you post

When I was going through this shit with my DDs dad I had to remake my facebook, under a different name, and only have family & close friends on it. Just until he learnt to back off and leave me the fuck alone. You might have to do that.

If the meet-ups are not on regular days, he can't possibly arrange his access (if he ever gets any) to always be on those days.

Keep the text as evidence of his vindictiveness towards his DD as well as you.

Use a new phone with a new number and get a new Facebook account with a different version of your name, or even a completely fake name, and vet all the 'friends' you put on it.

CatLady, I have RTFT, and just wanted to say I think you are amazing! You have shown such courage, compassion (undeserved to you twat of an ex!) and strength. And your little girl sounds adorable!

With regards to the GDD meeting, I wouldn't have thought that the court wouldn't be very impressed by him trying to stop you go to them? Attending these support meetings is good for her as well as you, and it shows that you are doing all you can for her.

Like so many others here on MN I am totally gunning for you. This thread has had me laughing crying, swearing and cheering. I wish I knew you IRL! You sound like an amazing person

Keep the text as evidence of his vindictiveness towards his DD as well as you.

Exactly. No court is going to look favourably on him interfering with an activity that is obviously so good for her.

any chance he has your facebook password?

if you go to facebook "settings -> mobile settings" can you check what phones have been linked with your account?

you can also check your "Security and login information" to see when "you" have logged into your account.
www.facebook.com/your_information/

Change your name on your FB account and change your password, or even better, open a new FB account entirely. Only invite friends you know you can trust not to feed back to him. This will mean culling people, painful but necessary.

Keep it locked down and only allow 'friends' or named people to see your posts, never friends of friends.

Sorry I haven't been back for a few days. Feeling pretty miffed right now:

So Social Worker took it upon herself to arrange for the arrears on my flat to be paid off. Nice gesture you think, but then she rings me up saying she can't wait for me to see "my new home".

Now I appreciate she's trying to help, I appreciate that she knows I want to move and am stuck due to the arrears which are in the hundreds of £s. What I don't like is not being asked if that is what I want and being told where I am living like it's a done deal without taking into account whether it's within mine and DDs best interests. I can't afford to furnish or carpet or decorate a bigger home without taking into consideration I can't afford movers due to having no family and friends with a van to move us. And I'm not even sure I can afford for my bills to go up; my gas, my electric and water are affordable now but if I moved may not be. My biggest fear is having to cut DDs Nursery time when she benefits so much from it.

Arghh I don't want to offend anyone, but I'd rather it be my choice not her

What the hell? Do you know where you're supposed to be moving to? Have you seen the place?

When did you find out about this? With it being a bank holiday, you're not going to be able to speak to anyone about this until Tuesday, but you do need to ring them and find out what the fuck is going on, and why they didn't think to discuss it with you first.

I think you should point out that you'd need to do the numbers before accepting the offer of a move, and tell them that if you can't afford to live there, you'll be in a worse position than you are now.

I'm shocked that they think it's ok to do that without consulting you first.

I found this out yesterday when the Social Worker rung me, she hasn't told me anything about where I am even supposed to be moving to.

It's not just the costs, it's the practicalities like the Nursery will I be close enough to still get DD there or do I need to move her to another one? And being near enough to my mum that she can drop everything to help me out but far enough that she's not infringing on my daily life.

Surely the SW can't force you to move to somewhere she's arranged.

Getting the arrears paid off is great but she should definitely have let you know what she was doing.
I'm guessing she's put your name forward to the housing association as being in priority need of a move.

Find out what's going on and remember you don't have to be pushed into anything you don't want.

Managed to sort the problem with the SW. She has a apologized she got a little over excited as she knows how badly I want to move and when they said they had a house available straight away she put my name forward, but has said she understands my wariness. She wants me to visit the place anyway but won't be offended if I decide it's not right for me and DD and will talk to the HA about me rejecting it and it not affecting my chances of getting anywhere else.

Ended up bumping into my dad in town, and we went for lunch (he paid) in the beer garden of a lovely pub and had a long chat, something we haven't done for ages. Was nice to catch up with him properly without DD (she was at Nursery) or my mum or brother. I may actually make friends with him again through all this .

That sounds really positive, Catlady

Who cares if SW was offended anyway? She's set this thing up without checking with you. For the same reason she should also sort it with the HA, as you didn't get yourself involved in this, she did.
Let's hope it turns out to be somewhere nice, tho, that suits you.

Glad you had a good time with your dad.

That's positive! Hopefully it will turn out to be somewhere really nice after all and it's good you got to reconnect with your Dad

I'm so glad that's sorted, and you don't need to stress too much over moving. It would be nice if the available house were perfect (or near so) though.

Good news re your dad; I hope he becomes one of your most loyal advocates, that's what dads are supposed to be!

That's good news about the house. Do go and have a look, as it might be ok, and perhaps you can get some financial help with the cost of moving.

I hope your relationship with your dad grows, it would be good to have him onside.

I wish I could force ExH to go for a mental health assessment. I wish he could see I am not the enemy. I am not trying to stop him seeing DD I am just trying to make sure that when she does see him it's safe for her.

I wish he could see that his parents are whispering in his ear, telling him he's in the right and that me calling the police was excessive is not helping his case. His mother rang the Social Worker (again!) and asked her to persuade me to drop the charges as I'm being typically over dramatic apparently. The SW told her that she can't make me do anything, and has told me she agrees with me calling the police. I just wish it had had the effect I desired to stop him spiraling.

I've had two more texts over the last few days and I'm beginning to doubt myself, these were on my new number which I have no idea how they've got because even the Social Worker doesn't have it (she calls me on either the old number or my landline) the only people that have it are my brother, my mum and the Nursery who are aware of the situation and wouldn't give it out. I am apparently using DD as a weapon to get my petty revenge and I need to be stopped. ExH also said he doesn't know how I've managed to convince everyone I'm such a nice person because I am not a nice person and this just shows it.

I want him to see DD, I only stopped Sundays contact because I wasn't happy about the supervision he had in place (his mum and his younger sister, who DD doesn't know all that well because she's been away at University and/or working out of the house most of DDs life). He's making me doubt that I am doing this for DDs sake.

I just want to give in and let him have what he wants but then I also don't want to put her in danger. He's told me things that have worried me, and I am scared he might harm DD in an attempt to harm himself or even deliberately. It's not the first time since we split up he's talked about harming himself.

Ex-MIL has said she's going to make sure I know what it feels like not to see my child everyday.

I can't carry on like this, I'm doubting myself and the stress is making me ill. Do I just give in and let him have her?

Your brother or your mum gave him your number to him and his family from constantly badgering them.

Sorry, OP. But you're doing the right thing. Stay strong.

Hoping you didn't reply to the texts and if you still have the old SIM card, text him from that as though you hadn't seen the new texts. But I'd guess your DB or DM passed on the number. Ask them outright if they passed it on to anyone.
If you can, discuss with womens aid about harassment from MIL. She's showing that she is not on your child's side, she minimises violence and can not be trusted to keep your child safe.

Please take care of yourself and as hippyish as it sounds, take 5 mins every day to zone out. Keep as active as possible and if you can face it, start building up new friendships/hobbies etc. Even if it's starting a new weekend tradition with DC (keep it off social media and don't tell anyone about it).

Not replied to the texts, still have old sim in my old phone. Won't text him as it'll arouse his suspicions. But will not reply to anything on new simcard, only anything he sends on old sim.

My brother swears he's had no contact with ExH, so it might have been my mum, I don't blame her if they've been pressuring her.

Please don’t give in. You have been SO strong, don’t let him beat you now. It does get easier. Trust me

Your Mum should not have passed your number on.
No amount of pressure would make me do that if my daughter was in your position.

And, you need to trust your gut.
Protecting your daughter is all you have ever done and you need to stay strong and KEEP protecting her.