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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I’ve lost haven’t I? He’s got what he wanted

994 replies

CatLadyToddlerMother · 08/03/2018 09:15

On Sunday afternoon I was attacked by my husband and he threatened to kill me.

On the advise of the police I left my home with my DD who played two foot from us when this happened.

And I haven’t been back. Because he has. And it doesn’t feel fair. The tenancy is in joint names so he can’t be evicted, and he has the legal right to live there. He won’t sign the form to have his name taken off the tenancy so I can move in.

I’m trying to get an occupancy order but a solicitor won’t act until I can prove I’m entitled to Legal Aid, which I can’t as all my benefits letters are at my flat which I’ve been advised not to go back to by the Housing Association and the Police - I don’t work as DD has a few extra needs so claims DLA and CTC which is my entitlement to LA. I’m waiting for Women’s Aid to assign me a Support Worker so I can prove it another way but they’ve told me as I’m not in immediate danger it could take up to 3 weeks. The housing association have no legal obligation to house DD and I while my name is on that tenancy, and if I sign my name off the tenancy they can place me anywhere in the county which takes me away from my mum and brother (I’m living there atm) who are my biggest support at the moment.

I feel like I’ve lost. He gets to break the law, and still wins. I can’t go out on my own because I’m so scared, I tried to get to DDs Nursery alone yesterday morning and got a quarter of the way and had to call them saying I couldn’t get any further. They were lovely and bought the Nursery car and a car seat and took us both to the Nursery but walking back alone I was shaking and it took ages to get home. My mum had to pick DD up from Nursery.

It’s so unfair. I can’t live like this for another month. My DDs got no toys or clothes, and I feel guilty using my mums bread and milk and food when she’s on a low income herself. I just want to go home.

He’s won hasn’t he? I’m up shit creek without a paddle, still liable for a flat I don’t live in and have no money or clothes.

I feel like such a crap mum, I’ve let my DD down, has I ignored the police and stayed home he wouldn’t have been allowed back and then he’d have had to have tried to get me out which with me having DD would have been hard for him to do.

And I’m so worried he’s going to petition the courts for access to our DD, I don’t like her being out of my sight atm but I know he’s her dad and I can’t stop him seeing her (I never would but I just want time to get my head together and have a home)

OP posts:
Jux · 25/04/2018 21:19

Oh CatLady, even your gp prefers you to ex!

You are amazing, and you are bringing up an amazing MiniCatLady!

If necessary, type that out, print it, take it to a copy shop and get 100 blown as big as possible copies, and stick them up all over your house. One day you'll believe it!

She is lucky to have you as a mum, she really is Star

Original poster
CatLadyToddlerMother · 27/04/2018 13:53

As he's not getting his own way he's really sticking the boot in now.

He's refusing to call or answer the phone to CMS. He's told me he's ignoring all letters from the Nursery. I've had two letters here with his name on and I can see from the back their from his mobile phone company so assume he's not paid them either. Problem is my phone is in his name, I offered to knock it off the maintenance each month until the contract ends in October (generous of me) he said no, I rang the company and offered to have it changed into my name and I'd pay, but he refused to speak to them to have it changed over to my name.

Argghh Angry does he not realise it's him getting himself into debts/trouble because of this? I wanted to avoid more debts for him but he's says the only money he wants to discuss with me is that bank account then we can discuss everything else.

Why do I get the feeling that if I let him have that money he'll bugger off? I swear he's only doing this because of the money. His parents will likely try and see DD but I don't want to parent with them, I don't want to parent with them...

Really am starting to agree with what I'm being told by the Social Workers that this is more than just poorly managed mental health on his part...

OP posts:
Mxyzptlk · 27/04/2018 14:08

If your phone is in his name then the bills are his, regardless of you using it.
Can you stop using it and get your own phone and new number, so that one is no longer anything to do with you?

Might it be better if he did bugger off? Less hassle for you then?

Motoko · 27/04/2018 15:22

Really am starting to agree with what I'm being told by the Social Workers that this is more than just poorly managed mental health on his part.

Of course it is, he's abusive. As you're not playing along to his tune, he's trying to punish you.

You need to get a new phone.

Anniegetyourgun · 27/04/2018 15:28

Whatever may sometimes be said about Social Workers, along with all their overwork/understaffing problems etc, most of them will have seen this sort of situation many, many times and not a one of them was born yesterday. They're almost certainly right.

Original poster
CatLadyToddlerMother · 27/04/2018 15:30

The sim card is in my name so I just put it in my old phone. I do have a new sim and new number in my current phone can always switch to old one if needs be.

OP posts:
Claire90ftm · 27/04/2018 15:41

You leaving this situation shows how good of a mother you are. You got yourself and your child out of a horrible situation. It sucks and it's not fair, but however crappy it feels at the moment, you are so much better off without that waste of breath. Could the Citizens Advice Bureau help you? Stay strong, it will be OK. You have done what a lot of women don't have the courage or foresight to do- you left an abusive relationship and you should be proud of yourself for having the strength to do that. Flowers

Original poster
CatLadyToddlerMother · 27/04/2018 17:00

So proud of DD.

Picking her up from Nursery one of the staff says "Oh CatLady. she's a credit to you". Asked what she meant. One of DDs little friends fell over just after lunch and hurt his knee. DD went up gave him a hug and then at snack time gave him her biscuit "to make you feel better". I never taught her that. That's so sweet.

OP posts:
Jux · 27/04/2018 17:16

She is a credit to you; you can guarantee that her dad never did that!

What happens if he doesn't pay the phone bill, as your sim is yours?

Original poster
CatLadyToddlerMother · 27/04/2018 17:21

Jux I can take the sim out of the phone and just hand the phone over to him if it becomes a problem. Or I'd hand it over to balliffs etc if they try to sieze it. An Iphone 6 isn't worth much now.

OP posts:
Dontknowwhatimdoing · 27/04/2018 19:01

You did teach her that. She will have picked it up from how you treat her when she is hurt. They learn from everything going on around them. That is why it is so good that you left your XH when you did, before she learned that sort of behaviour was normal!

Original poster
CatLadyToddlerMother · 27/04/2018 19:10

Dontknow Yes I suppose she has. I always give her a hug and tell her she's a big girl. I don't give her treats though so not quite sure where she learnt that from but it was very kind of her and I did tell her that.

OP posts:
HoneyBadgerApparently · 28/04/2018 15:36

Hope you're having a good day today CatLady Flowers

No advice but just RTTT and wanted to tell you you sound like an amazing mum and I hope this all gets sorted x

BewareOfDragons · 28/04/2018 18:20

You're showing amazing resilience and strength for you and your DD.

Your Ex is a punitive asshole who is literally cutting his own nose off out of spite. Let him. It will make him look worse than it already does.

Keep doing what you're doing.

Original poster
CatLadyToddlerMother · 29/04/2018 20:23

He's clutching at straws now...

DD has a Global Developmental Delay, and last year when she was diagnosed the Health Visitor put me in touch with the GDD charity for our county. I pay a small membership fee and have access to local monthly groups for GDD children, parent meetups which are also monthly, resources which include a private Facebook page purely for parents. ExH could join if he wanted to, he just never has been bothered.

Today was one of the childrens groups, at a local park. A picnic lunch is included. I love going, I get to talk to other mums (and dads but it's mainly mums) with children who have GDD who understand my frustrations, DD gets to play in the park and is supervised by volunteers from the charity so I get to have a bit of a rest and we just love going. It's not always parks, sometimes it's museums or theatres or similar. It's just a time to be CatLady and Mini and not be defined by the GDD.

I was tagged in Facebook by one of the other mums. ExH just text to say I better cancel my membership as he is going to ensure that DD is with him on any meetup days.

Does anyone know if he took me to court could I ask that she is with me for these meetups weekends? I think she gets a lot out of it, she doesn't realise she's different to her friends at Nursery but I think it's nice for her to be with adults and other children who understand her and have no expectations of her. The meetups are published in the newsletter and on the monthly emails so he could find out when they are but they're not on a specific day of the month (i.e. they're not on the last Sunday or whatever). I would happily change the arrangement for that day if he is due to see her and offer him another day/time.

OP posts:
getoutofthebath · 29/04/2018 20:37

I think you're jumping ahead a bit OP. Wait and see what kind of deal you get first. If he's been violent he'll be lucky to get one supervised visit once a fortnight.

ToadsforJustice · 29/04/2018 20:56

He's just saying that because he knows that this will upset you. He hasn't even got the opportunity to have unsupervised contact , so the chances of him taking Mini anywhere appear to be slim.

Turn off the phone that he makes contact on. Look at it once a weeek or so.

Remember, he is a top twat. You owe him nothing.

Grey rock OP. Grey rock.

titchy · 29/04/2018 20:56

Keep the text...

Jux · 29/04/2018 21:00

I think you probably can ask, and it's a very reasonable one. Make a note, with the date, of what he said about his determination to have dd on those days. It probably isn't serious, and even if he tries it his solicitor will warn him off as it would make him look so bad. On the other hand, let him ask the Judge and then they'll know what a twunt he is and how much he really cares for his daughter.

It is almost certainly just a stupid thing he's said to get you upset.

getoutofthebath · 29/04/2018 21:12

As a side note, you need to be super careful about people tagging you on Facebook. You can adjust your privacy settings so that people can't tag you without your permission. He should not be able to see you or your interactions at all.

Original poster
CatLadyToddlerMother · 29/04/2018 21:36

He has a spy on my friends list I'm sure. I've removed him, his mum and sister but he still seems to know what I'm doing even though my profile is locked down and you can only see my profile picture and cover photo if you're not my friend.

OP posts:
ToadsforJustice · 29/04/2018 21:57

Delete your Facebook account. You don't need the drama.

Tistheseason17 · 29/04/2018 22:00

Hi OP.
It is likely he is still "friends"with someone on your friend list so he'll see anything they are tagged in.
I would not post anything, personally. If you want to share is then send within messenger to who you want to see them. Less knowledge about you equals less power to him.
Stay strong.youre doing a grand job, OP.

Original poster
CatLadyToddlerMother · 29/04/2018 22:02

We have mutual friends but this today was posted from my friend from the GDD groups account, he's not friends with her, so there must be someone on my friends list who saw it and shared with him.

OP posts:
Tistheseason17 · 29/04/2018 22:10

In that case, just don't post. Keep the power to yourself.