I’ve lost haven’t I? He’s got what he wanted

[CatLadyToddlerMother]

On Sunday afternoon I was attacked by my husband and he threatened to kill me.

On the advise of the police I left my home with my DD who played two foot from us when this happened.

And I haven’t been back. Because he has. And it doesn’t feel fair. The tenancy is in joint names so he can’t be evicted, and he has the legal right to live there. He won’t sign the form to have his name taken off the tenancy so I can move in.

I’m trying to get an occupancy order but a solicitor won’t act until I can prove I’m entitled to Legal Aid, which I can’t as all my benefits letters are at my flat which I’ve been advised not to go back to by the Housing Association and the Police - I don’t work as DD has a few extra needs so claims DLA and CTC which is my entitlement to LA. I’m waiting for Women’s Aid to assign me a Support Worker so I can prove it another way but they’ve told me as I’m not in immediate danger it could take up to 3 weeks. The housing association have no legal obligation to house DD and I while my name is on that tenancy, and if I sign my name off the tenancy they can place me anywhere in the county which takes me away from my mum and brother (I’m living there atm) who are my biggest support at the moment.

I feel like I’ve lost. He gets to break the law, and still wins. I can’t go out on my own because I’m so scared, I tried to get to DDs Nursery alone yesterday morning and got a quarter of the way and had to call them saying I couldn’t get any further. They were lovely and bought the Nursery car and a car seat and took us both to the Nursery but walking back alone I was shaking and it took ages to get home. My mum had to pick DD up from Nursery.

It’s so unfair. I can’t live like this for another month. My DDs got no toys or clothes, and I feel guilty using my mums bread and milk and food when she’s on a low income herself. I just want to go home.

He’s won hasn’t he? I’m up shit creek without a paddle, still liable for a flat I don’t live in and have no money or clothes.

I feel like such a crap mum, I’ve let my DD down, has I ignored the police and stayed home he wouldn’t have been allowed back and then he’d have had to have tried to get me out which with me having DD would have been hard for him to do.

And I’m so worried he’s going to petition the courts for access to our DD, I don’t like her being out of my sight atm but I know he’s her dad and I can’t stop him seeing her (I never would but I just want time to get my head together and have a home)

You poor thing xxx

Honestly, the man is just plain stupid if he thinks sending that sort of thing is going to help him in any way. Hung by his own hand.

Get another sim. Give the people you want to talk to and the agencies your new number, and leave the old sim for him and his silly little rants. Contact him only using that sim, or by email. Keep a trail. Only bother checking that sim once a week or less, atm. You don't need to have anything to do with him at all right now, and once proper contact has been arranged (though I personally hope it never is) then only use the sim for those arrangements.

Also for email, set up a new folder in your inbox and make a filter/rule which puts all his stuff straight into that new folder. Call it CuntyChops or something , and don't look at it more than once a week unless you really do have a good reason to do otherwise.

Keep eveything.

Meanwhile, ignore him.

How's dd? Concentrate on her.

Please, please remember there is no such thing as grandparents' rights.
You should not be supervising contact.
Keep records of everything.
He should not have violently assaulted you.
This is all his fault.

I think based on that you have to state you will no longer be providing supervised access to your DD and he needs to arrange a contact centre.

Get a residency order in place. Do this asap. Before he tries to get one. If he takes DD you can can pretty much assume she will not be returned to you.

Then get a new sim and do not engage. Check it once a week for anything about DD and do not respond about anything else.

YOU CANNOT TRUST THIS MAN OR HIS FAMILY HE IS NOT YOUR FRIEND

What I meant was supervised contact should be in a contact centre. Suoervised by trained people.

How can one organisation be so bloody dim?

Housing Association. Apparently they've accidentally been paying my housing benefit onto someone elses account for the last 8 weeks bangs head on table repeatedly so now I'm over £500 in arrears to them. I've contacted the councils housing benefit office but apparently it's up to the HA to sort. And of course the HA are blaming me despite all my details being right at both the council and the HA.

I despair.

FFS. You’ve been so unlucky with the HA, they have been dicks all along. I suggest you make a formal complaint about this and the tenancy agreement issue.

england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/council_housing_association/complaints_about_housing_associations

Well, you're not really in arrears, are you? You've paid to the people you were meant to pay to, and they've not paid it into the account they should have. Surely, if they were meant to pay it into a Council account marked for you then it is they who are in arrears, not you? They've got the money and it's up to them to sort it, their mistake.

Idiots.

I'd get the lawyer onto it pronto, frankly, and maybe even suggest that whoever you've been dealing with at the HA is in ex's pocket and not disinterested.

Big complaint, make a massive fuss if you can.

My Support Worker from Women's Aid sorted, I could kiss her! She rung them and mentioned the ombudsman and they all of sudden have written off the arrears . They're also going to see me next week about the tenancy being in my name.

Hooray!

Phew! What an appalling HA.

Glad that's sorted, CatLady. Total incompetence from the HA.

Your ex is forgetting that only a horrible person would use violence against their spouse. No-one will be fooled by his rubbish.

I've been doing some reflecting over the last few days and I am still so upset with ExH.

He told me he's taking me to court, for residency and has apparently been told that he will be granted it. Despite him receiving a letter from the Social Workers Superior saying if he is going to see DD he has to be supervised by two people and a list of people who can supervise - Me (if I want to), my DBro, The MD from the Nursery (whose offered to supervise if needs be even at the weekend!), ExHs friend and my cousin.

I'm getting so upset with him and his failure to realise that we're doing this because we're scared that he will hurt a small child who doesn't have the ability to tell us if something happens to her. I'm worried he's doing what he always does and not telling anyone the whole story, so his solicitor (if he has one) could be advising him wrong.

And I'm terrified that he will in fact take me to court, and will get residency. Because if DD goes to live with ExH I can't stand by and watch him hurt my child - he's lost his temper at doors, a desk, a chair and also now me and not all of those incidences were to do with me. One was because DD was teething and wouldn't stop crying and he got upset and frustrated because I "won't do anything to stop her crying" I'm still to this day unsure what I'm supposed to do to stop an in pain baby from crying when she'd already had max amount of calpol/teething powder and was too little for teething toys, another was because he had to stop playing his games online with his friend as the downstairs neighbour complained he was keeping her grandson awake by shouting. Others were arguments between us. I would never harm myself but I would move away and just return to the area for contact with DD because I can't stand by and be a part of that.

I'm starting to feel he should never have been a father, which makes me feel so sick. Because DD was a contraception failure. And I nearly had a termination with her but he persuaded me to stay pregnant and continue on to have her. I don't regret not having her, I love her more than anything in world and my life is 100% better because she's in it. But it makes me angry. I've been told things about ExH that no-one wants to talk to him about.

I just look at my child and feel so angry on her behalf. How do I get through this anger?

And I'm terrified that he will in fact take me to court, and will get residency.

He would NOT get residency! Why would they let him have it when it's on record at SS that he should not even see her unsupervised, and you have always been her main carer?

Not going to happen.

You're bound to still feel angry, and it will take time for it to subside when he eventually realises he's not going to get his own way and fucks off. Embrace the anger, as it keeps you strong and helps you to do what needs to be done.

You are right Motoko anger and the need to protect my DD has what's got me already. Embrace the anger I think that's good - my counsellor says anger and aggression are two different things. And I am acting out of anger but not with aggression. And I always find my rants help me think more clearly.

*got me here already

Bloody hell you poor thing, your ex and his family are certainly putting you through it! You sound as if you're doing a sterling job with your DD though. Keep strong!

Just had the report from when they visited her in Nursery last week through the post

MiniLady is a happy child who is very settled at her Nursery. When we went into the room she walked straight up (social workers name) and pointed at her head "I bump head" she says. We decided that as Mini wanted to talk about that that we'd follow her lead and talk about it... few details about how she said she'd fallen down the stairs and had to go see the doctor. They have the A+E report so I assume they know that it was an A+E doctor.

Then

Mini told us that she lives with her mummy and cat. She says she misses her daddy but that "daddy hurt mummy". When asked where daddy lives she said "I don't know"

I feel so awful that she knows her dad hurt me even though I never ever told her. She must remember it .

Mini is a lovely little girl who is well liked by the staff at her Nursery - Not sure why this is relevant, they've already been told this by the MD

^At times during our meeting Mini had us falling of our chairs laughing with her cheeky remarks to our questions or just her general mannerisms, for example when (Social Workers name) asked her about her friends at Nursery Mini replied "I don't know, no friends look" and pointed at the rest of the empty room we were in before shrugging her shoulders and grinning" she's a right charmer my DD.

Think they liked her . I love that they've used the shortened version of her name that Nursery use in the report. The case has now been closed by the Social Worker is staying involved due to the situation with ExH. Apparently it's quite common that they stay involved for awhile when there's domestic abuse involved as they want to ensure that I am keeping DD safe.

She sounds delightful.

Oh she sounds lovely!

The report is great; it does sounds like they liked her and are happy with her care and that means they are happy with you too, especially as they've closed the case. Yes, they'll stay involved until you don't need them any more, but for now you do. Not so much for anything they can do for you but because things with ex haven't been decided.

I know you're scared of Court, but making it legal - his contact - will draw a line which will help you.

With luck, he'll be like so many feckless, controlling dads and he'll walk away in preference to not getting his own way.

Yes, him mouthing off (all mouth, no trousers as they say) is just to punish you and to get you to doubt yourself. He's also got his mother dripping poison in his ear and egging him on. There's no way he wants to be "lumbered" with a small child 24/7.

That's a great report and I hope your fears are now eased. Mini sounds very cute! Be proud of yourself!

Mini sounds delightful.

Everything is relevant. The fact that someone has put down in writing that Mini is a happy, cheeky, well adjusted child is a kick in the teeth for any claim your Ex has that you're a bad mother.

You are not a bad mother. You are doing a grand job.

OP - your Ex will never get custody of your dd. Not in a million years.

He says he's been told he will? By whom? The postman? The man in the pub? Not by a court - and they are the ones who will decide, not him.

Let him rant. They all do it - they think that because they are the Big Man that the little women will just fall into line. Let him do his willy-waving - the courts will not be impressed by a little man who shouts a lot and threatens people.

Well said, elisenbrunnen.
He's mouthing off because it's the only way he can still try to bully you, CatLady.
You have police and SS evidence in your favour. He has no chance.

Bloody reasonable I am.

Let him Skype DD, she's on my phone to him right now. Because she was asking for her dad.

I went to my GP earlier. Just seen an email sent from my GP to the SW

"Just so you're aware I have put a note on (ExHs) medical notes which means he is unable to book an appointment with me. This is because I feel it is a clash of interest with me treating CatLady. There are 6 other permenant and 2 locum GPs in the surgery that (ExH) is able to book in with so should not affect any treatment he is able to recieve. You are welcome to inform him of this if you feel the need"

I didn't know GPs could do that

She's basically then just said that I am still on my antidepressants but co-operating and behaving normally. She says I'm recovering well even though I don't feel like I am.