I’ve lost haven’t I? He’s got what he wanted

[CatLadyToddlerMother]

On Sunday afternoon I was attacked by my husband and he threatened to kill me.

On the advise of the police I left my home with my DD who played two foot from us when this happened.

And I haven’t been back. Because he has. And it doesn’t feel fair. The tenancy is in joint names so he can’t be evicted, and he has the legal right to live there. He won’t sign the form to have his name taken off the tenancy so I can move in.

I’m trying to get an occupancy order but a solicitor won’t act until I can prove I’m entitled to Legal Aid, which I can’t as all my benefits letters are at my flat which I’ve been advised not to go back to by the Housing Association and the Police - I don’t work as DD has a few extra needs so claims DLA and CTC which is my entitlement to LA. I’m waiting for Women’s Aid to assign me a Support Worker so I can prove it another way but they’ve told me as I’m not in immediate danger it could take up to 3 weeks. The housing association have no legal obligation to house DD and I while my name is on that tenancy, and if I sign my name off the tenancy they can place me anywhere in the county which takes me away from my mum and brother (I’m living there atm) who are my biggest support at the moment.

I feel like I’ve lost. He gets to break the law, and still wins. I can’t go out on my own because I’m so scared, I tried to get to DDs Nursery alone yesterday morning and got a quarter of the way and had to call them saying I couldn’t get any further. They were lovely and bought the Nursery car and a car seat and took us both to the Nursery but walking back alone I was shaking and it took ages to get home. My mum had to pick DD up from Nursery.

It’s so unfair. I can’t live like this for another month. My DDs got no toys or clothes, and I feel guilty using my mums bread and milk and food when she’s on a low income herself. I just want to go home.

He’s won hasn’t he? I’m up shit creek without a paddle, still liable for a flat I don’t live in and have no money or clothes.

I feel like such a crap mum, I’ve let my DD down, has I ignored the police and stayed home he wouldn’t have been allowed back and then he’d have had to have tried to get me out which with me having DD would have been hard for him to do.

And I’m so worried he’s going to petition the courts for access to our DD, I don’t like her being out of my sight atm but I know he’s her dad and I can’t stop him seeing her (I never would but I just want time to get my head together and have a home)

it's not about evidence 'about you' as such ... they want to speak to your Child in an environment that is safe and familiar to her.. so as not to alarm or distress her.... your daughter will be fine in this safe place... and you have nothing to hide...

Did you speak to any of the Agencies .. the Posters on here recommended .. with regards to the 'Allegations of Bribery for a Report' against the Nursery Owner? This could grow arms and legs...and the Lead Social Worker sounds like she has an agenda... I beg of you not to leave this unreported OP..

No, it's not that. They are doing a systematic investigation around dd and her welfare. I know the general manager wrote you a glowing report, they are checking the nursery so that they can unequivocally that dd is indeed happy and settled there. I believe SWs always to see the child both at home and in another setting without parents present - this is for dd's protection; it's a positive step. You know that she is happy there, and that is what they will see.

Be calm, take deep breaths. I know you feel under siege atm, and that's quite natural and normal, but try to remember that these people are there for dd's sake and that facts will speak for themselves.

Just rung the Social Worker (my actual one not the superior) and that's what she said. They just want to check that DD is safe and feels safe, and they're doing it without me because then I can't put words in her mouth or try and explain things as it has to come from DD. Apparently she will have her Keyworker with her during the meeting as DD is comfortable with her which makes me feel a bit better as her Keyworker is lovely and DD talks about her at home so I know she'll be ok.

She also said that she saw the discharge report from A+E on Friday and is happy that I took appropriate action to get DD medical care and as long as I've followed their advise re head injury and concussion (which I have) then she's not going to do anything but add it to the file. They won't even ask DD about it tomorrow as she knows I am a loving mother and that accidents happen. She said it could just of easily happened if ExH had been with her.

I haven't spoken to anyone Re what the superior said yet. I am going to do when DDs in Nursery tomorrow but I have written up exactly what I remember of the conversation (I did this on Friday) so I can tell them from my account.

According to my Social Worker though the Superior liked me

I think you should have told the nursery about the bribery allegation straight away. Telling them in the morning when you drop DD off is a bit late notice.

But try not to worry about the SW visiting your DD tomorrow (easier said than done, I realise).

Motoko I rang the Managing Director on her personal number after DD was in bed on the Thursday, she wasn't very happy and said she can prove that I haven't bribed her if any official allegations are made.

that's good and it's the right thing to do.... she can't be allowed to say such 'dangerous' things and continue to be considered as having an unbiased view....

But apparently the superior SW liked you - I imagine largely because you responded appropriately to her nasty grilling and uncalled for comments. I am pretty sure she did all that as a 'test' of your character. Don't forget, you were accused of all sorts by mil, and I think what the SW did was probably to check all that out. You passed YAY!!

Keep strong OP.

You sound eminently likeable, intelligent and strong, OP. As someone said, you will have to unlearn this feeling that you have explain and justify everything you do.

As for nasty accidents. I'm particularly clumsy, so my poor dd had any number of horrible accidents when she was small. Fortunately none with lasting consequences, but when you are their number one carer, it's logical that most of their accidents will be on your watch.

Ah ok CatLady, it sounded like you were only just letting them know. My apologies.

Just had a text from the Nursery to say that Social Worker and Superior have left. Was earlier than I was expecting (I wasn't told a time by either SW or GM).

Nursery have said the Social Worker and Superior were only there 15 minutes or so. Had a quick chat with DD, spoke to her keyworker and then left.

Is this a good sign?

Nursery the Social Worker and Superior were only there 15 minutes or so. Apparently had a quick chat with DD, asked her keyworker and the room manager some questions then left.

Is this good or bad?

posted twice because I couldn't see it first time I wrote it

To me a short visit is good as might mean there are no issues etc, all well Hope so.

A short visit is a good thing in this case, just a quick check up visit rather than a full questioning visit, means they were satisfied with what was said and see no need to enquire about anything said I should think, I always think the longer the visit the more questions they have!

I imagine that they had no need to ask any more questions or to see anything more. To me, that says that they were pretty happy that dd was indeed settled and happy at nursery and that nursery were doing everything right.

Try to sleep easy, CatLady.

Update:

I went to CMS. They're asking to use Direct Pay to start with but have said in most cases it ends up on Collect and Pay. They've said that due to the violence he only has to miss one payment to let it go to Collect and Pay.

Also spoke to the Nursery. And the MD is going to send a letter to ExH to see if she can get him to cough up for some of the fees on top of maintenance. She's going to ask him to pay the Nursery directly rather than it go through me. No harm done if he doesn't because I can afford it without his help but if he does pay anything they'll knock it off my bill.

His name is still on the tenancy here which is worrying me. Housing Officer isn't answering the phone to me again. So I'll get back in touch with my MP if needs be on Monday.

My anxiety has been sky high recently. Sometimes I can barely lift my head off the pillow. And I'm still terrified that everything's going to come crashing around me and I'll lose DD. I'm assuming as they haven't swooped in and taken her from me that they were satisfied about their meeting with her on Tuesday. I haven't heard anything about it. Did leave a message for the SW, but she's not got back to me yet.

You are doing so well. It might not feel like it, but you are.

Are you still having counselling? Have you been to see your GP recently? Just wondering if there is any more support you might be able to get.

I really hope you can get the tenancy agreement sorted ASAP.

Hang on in there!

Yes having Counselling from Women's Aid, but I do think I need to go back to the GP and see if she can do anything else for me.

It doesn't hurt to ask.

Make sure you are taking plenty of Vitamin B complex, CatLady. It will help with the anxiety.

There are lots of things that can help with anxiety; medication, CBT, mindfulness (particularly MBCT / MBSR).

"You disgust me, I have no idea what I ever saw in you. Not only do you hold my money hostage but you stop me seeing my child and somehow manage to convince everyone that I am this horrible person. You will not beat me, I will show the world what an awful person you are and I will have my daughter living in her rightful home. Fuck you, oh wait I wish I never had" - ExH

Very nice man if I do say so myself

Charming

Every nasty message is further confirmation that you are absolutely doing the right thing