I’ve lost haven’t I? He’s got what he wanted

[CatLadyToddlerMother]

On Sunday afternoon I was attacked by my husband and he threatened to kill me.

On the advise of the police I left my home with my DD who played two foot from us when this happened.

And I haven’t been back. Because he has. And it doesn’t feel fair. The tenancy is in joint names so he can’t be evicted, and he has the legal right to live there. He won’t sign the form to have his name taken off the tenancy so I can move in.

I’m trying to get an occupancy order but a solicitor won’t act until I can prove I’m entitled to Legal Aid, which I can’t as all my benefits letters are at my flat which I’ve been advised not to go back to by the Housing Association and the Police - I don’t work as DD has a few extra needs so claims DLA and CTC which is my entitlement to LA. I’m waiting for Women’s Aid to assign me a Support Worker so I can prove it another way but they’ve told me as I’m not in immediate danger it could take up to 3 weeks. The housing association have no legal obligation to house DD and I while my name is on that tenancy, and if I sign my name off the tenancy they can place me anywhere in the county which takes me away from my mum and brother (I’m living there atm) who are my biggest support at the moment.

I feel like I’ve lost. He gets to break the law, and still wins. I can’t go out on my own because I’m so scared, I tried to get to DDs Nursery alone yesterday morning and got a quarter of the way and had to call them saying I couldn’t get any further. They were lovely and bought the Nursery car and a car seat and took us both to the Nursery but walking back alone I was shaking and it took ages to get home. My mum had to pick DD up from Nursery.

It’s so unfair. I can’t live like this for another month. My DDs got no toys or clothes, and I feel guilty using my mums bread and milk and food when she’s on a low income herself. I just want to go home.

He’s won hasn’t he? I’m up shit creek without a paddle, still liable for a flat I don’t live in and have no money or clothes.

I feel like such a crap mum, I’ve let my DD down, has I ignored the police and stayed home he wouldn’t have been allowed back and then he’d have had to have tried to get me out which with me having DD would have been hard for him to do.

And I’m so worried he’s going to petition the courts for access to our DD, I don’t like her being out of my sight atm but I know he’s her dad and I can’t stop him seeing her (I never would but I just want time to get my head together and have a home)

“I had a massive panic attack seeing him, no idea why as I’ve seen him a few times since we split.”

Er maybe because he recently attacked you and threatened to kill you?!

Why have you agreed to meet up again in this way, given that you had a panic attack this time around, and given his negative behaviour (glaring at you, complaining when you said DD was tired and needed to go, accusing you of punishing his parents)?

You shouldn’t be facilitating his contact with DD yourself. This is exactly what contact centres are for. Neutral, trained professionals should be supervising.

Seeing him is detrimental to your mental health and is therefore not in your DD’s best interests. She needs you to be ok.

Keep taking to Women’s Aid. And keep away from him.

Neutral, trained professionals should be supervising.

And that would help the professionals to get a picture of what he is like.

The problem I have is the Social Worker won't attend anything with me. She's literally sat on my sofa drinking my tea and eating my biscuits asking me what I've done to protect DD. I even had to get the Nursery to call her. She only sent an email to them after Ex-MIL reported me to the Nursery. She's not even spoken to ExH since the split as far as I'm aware. And since the superiors been over I'm not even 100% sure she's going to stay on my side. ExH can be charming and polite until he loses it, and I am so scared they're going to tell me I have to give him a chance.

Nearest contact centre is 40 miles away. I've been told this by Women's Aid too, they apparently have to struggle to make arrangements for those in serious danger. My support worker from WA can come with me but she can't intervene or be witness to anything she's there to support me only, she can't even guide the conversation.

All the help I have had so far I have found myself. SS and the Police have done nothing for me. Even Victim Support discharged their duty to me a few days after the incident because I was "safe".

I literally have to put myself in danger for the sake of my child because no-one will help me. I contacted and referred myself to Women's Aid, I contacted the NCDV and got the Occupation Order, I told the Nursery even though they told me I shouldn't of done it and it should of come from my SW/HV as I could of put myself in danger if he'd have got onto my emails/phone some way. I went to GP and got myself put on the antidepressants. I have had to make myself noticed, even when I've been at my most scared.

I'm scared every night for myself and DD, but if I stop fighting that help will go away and then we really will be in trouble. I just want ExH to go away but I don't think he will. He's going to win, and the though sickens me.

Yes you’ve had to fight very hard and be very proactive and you’re doing amazingly

I understand your fear and anguish but he is not going to win, I assure you

You don’t have to facilitate his contact atm. There is no court order saying you have to. IIRC based on previous posts, you have been advised that it might be wise to put that on the back burner for now, based on the fact that you are still dealing with the practical and emotional fallout of his attack and your subsequent separation.

I think it might be a good idea to take a short break from communicating with him, literally cut all contact for a week or something just to give yourself a breather and clear your head.

He seems to be on your case about contact pretty regularly and it’s causing you stress because you have to keep saying no and negotiating and making arrangements to please him. Perhaps you need to make some kind of interim arrangement, and once that’s been agreed you won’t have to contact each other any more. For example he sees her every other Saturday afternoon 2-4pm at x location (neutral place, not his house) supervised by x (person you trust eg brother or friend, not his parents!) for the next 3 months and it will be reviewed at that point. You and DD would benefit from a bit of stability and routine, and he needs to prove that he can commit to regular contact and behave himself, before being trusted with anything more.

Didn’t you mention that there is a charity that might be able to help with supervised contact? I think you said the days and times are limited but maybe it would be worth getting the referral to explore it as an option?

Have cancelled the meeting on Tuesday with ExH. If he complains about the maintenance again I'll go to CMS. I've told him from now on he'll see DD on a Sunday and he is to text me by Wednesday to let me know what time he'll be there. If he has a problem with that he can pay to go through the courts for a contact order, who'd probably only award him every other Saturday but as he works Saturday (it's his "contract day" which means that's the only shift he knows about and can't change - he can't even take AL on his contract day) he'd probably get EO Sunday - I hope anyway.

Considering he's not replied I'm assuming he's in bed, which doesn't surprise me.

Re the Charity, I could set it up but I don't see why I should. I've done everything else up to this point. His name is still on my tenancy because he's flat out refusing to do anything else to sort it out. I don't see why I should organise the contact centre too.

You don’t see why should organise the contact centre but you are happy to organise contact elsewhere every single Sunday? Who will be supervising - you? Your brother? Both?

I’m sorry to go on about this but you don’t owe him anything, you don’t have to facilitate contact, so maybe if he doesn’t want to organise the contact centre then he doesn’t get contact at all?

I will contact the Charity but I'm not hopeful it'll work. For a start he won't pay for it, and secondly I don't think they'll take us on anymore as it's been so long. I just want DD to see her dad, she's been asking for him and she's not satisfied with my answers anymore. I am trying so hard, but I know if it went to court he'd be given unsupervised access (Women's Aid said this) because there is no evidence he has or would hurt DD.

I've emailed the charity (while DD was in the bath, did it from my phone so I could keep an eye on her).

I am still looking at a contact order, but I am not hopeful he'll get supervised contact as Women's Aid said that he'd likely get unsupervised.

What upsets me most about your posts is how you feel you have to justify everything you do to us on here! You don't need to tell us that you did it from your phone so you could keep an eye on DD in the bath, we're not trying to catch you out. It upsets me because I can see how with every little detail of your daughter's care you feel you have to explain and qualify what you're doing, that must be absolutely exhausting. I hope this ends for you soon and that you can just enjoy being with your child without having to second guess the reactions of those around you.

Darling, he's using your compliance to control you.

If he complains about the maintenance again I'll go to CMS.

Go to CMS. Take things out of his control.

You are under no obligation to facilitate contact.

Do not facilitate contact.

Force him to go to court and explain why he has to.

Block. Block. Block.

Please don't take anything on here as criticism of you. People want to give you advice that can help you.
It's understandable that you are getting worn down by everything that's happened and by the absence of help from those who are supposed to be helpful.

He seems to be on your case about contact pretty regularly and it’s causing you stress

Your exH is still abusing you by giving you grief about contact and by not paying maintenance.
Disengage from him as much as you can.

"I'm scared every night for myself and DD, but if I stop fighting that help will go away and then we really will be in trouble. I just want ExH to go away but I don't think he will. He's going to win, and the though sickens me."

I am so sorry you are scared and sorry this evil bastard has put you through this.

"I just want DD to see her dad, she's been asking for him and she's not satisfied with my answers anymore. I am trying so hard, but I know if it went to court he'd be given unsupervised access (Women's Aid said this) because there is no evidence he has or would hurt DD."

I think all you can do is tell your dd the truth or an age appropriate version of the truth. I would be telling my child/children what had happened in age appropriate language.

He is not going to win. His daughter will be estranged from him because he is not safe to be around. That's sad but that is exclusively his doing.

Brilliant advice from IntelligentYetIndecisive and so many others on here. We are all cheering you on.

You've had to a lot yourself, that is sad but my friend also did similar with her family of three children and it was tough. But you will be so much better in the future without this man in your life.

"ExH can be charming and polite until he loses it, and I am so scared they're going to tell me I have to give him a chance."

You do not need to 'give him a chance'. He has proven that he is dangerous.

YOU do not need to have any contact directly with him. You don't need to give him any more chances to hurt you personally. If there is any decision that he can have any contact with your daughter, take advice and make sure your concerns are noted.

If contact at the moment is meant to be through the contact centre then make sure it only happen the way it should. They should be watching to see how he interacts, or fails to interact with his daughter. Please do not allow any contact between your child and him that is not supervised if this is what has been advised so far.

Do not meet him, he is abusive. He is still trying to abuse you. He knows he is loosing you and he doesn't like it.

Sorry when I say contact centre I mean 'supervised', however that is meant to be, I could not think of the right word!

OP my dd ran into a wall at a wedding, she had a massive egg on her forehead and we ended up at A and E (missed a really nice posh wedding!)

It happens, it happens in plain sight. These things happen.

Actually you know that it's so normal and you did all the right things getting her checked out.

I don’t really have any advice that hasn’t been said, I just wanted to say you sound like a fantastic mum and an incredibly strong lady. So many people would be a wreck going through just half of what you are, you’ve been practical and put your daughter first every time

I feel like I have to justify and explain everything, he’s made me doubt myself and my parenting so much that I find myself doing it in real life too. Even to places like the Nursery who I know are on my side! Yes it’s exhausting but I’m scared if I stop I’ll get questioned on it and I won’t be able to answer the questions and they’ll take her off me. Completely illogical I know.

I also know that I acted correctly with her accident. I called my mum as soon as it happened and we were at a+e within a few hours. The triage nurse even said “it’s the age, my son did similar aged 3” so I know it’s not just me who has a child fall down the stairs but still I tell myself I could of stopped it and I’ll lose her because of it. I wish I could control my thoughts.

Hopefully counselling will help with that

Have you ever read any Lundy Bancroft?

AnotherEmma No I haven't read any of his books.

In the nicest possible way, and as someone who has been through a traumatic split; you cannot afford to be negative. You are fighting the toughest battle of your life, you are dxhauster, overwhelmed and broken. But you HAVE to continue for your daughter, you have to find the strength to get through this. Ss are not going to take your child. You have to tell yourself that you are going to win, that you will get through this and that HE is going to lose, because half the battle you are fighting is against your own self doubt. Once this is over, and it will end or at least wind down, then you can crumble. Think about uour dx enjoying you dailing and find the strength to carry on. You can do it.

"I wish I could control my thoughts."

To some extent you can. It's not easy. But it is doable. My son is quite emotional and gets easily scared.

I remind him he is safe at home with us. I tell him I believe in his ability to control his emotions. We practice deep breaths.

Last night I watched his face physically change as it dawned on him maybe he could control his fears and calm himself.

I've been telling him for years how great he is. I use examples of when he was strong in the past.

You've been strong for daughter. You've had difficulties with your dd's condition, lack of support from your (awful sounding in-laws) and an evil attack from your partner. You are strong. You can do this.

Please read up on line about assertiveness. Assertiveness is not aggression. It is not submitting to other people's wrong assumptions about you, other people's unfair/unkind/cruel/dangerous treatment of you. It is making your self talk (those things you say to yourself daily), and your talk to others about yourself, positive.

It is saying your are strong/confident/capable. The more you say it to yourself the more you believe it.

I also believe the more you tell others in am appropriate way (e.g. "I handled the situation, me and my mum took dd to the hospital, all was OK. The nurse said it was very common; dd is fine now etc) the more others will believe you too.

Accidents can happen when anyone is looking after a child. It's important to know what to do and you did it.

Positive talk and positive thoughts won't make you perfect, it will simply help to bring out your depth of character.

Do not doubt yourself. Your dd is depending on you. You are the one who will keep her safe.

OP this post might be good for you to look back on to see how far you've come and or to remind yourself of incidents or things that have been done or said. Maybe if you stop this post you should still write it on your phone and screen shot and delete it. I wish you all the best x

You might be interested in this book by Lundy Bancroft?
www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0425200310/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_pj70Ab7WDE1CD?tag=mumsnetforum-21

OP I just looked back and I find it really sad you need to explain things to him!

"He said that wasn’t fair, why should he miss an extra day with her when I don’t have to?"

...because he attacked her mother (YOU) and said he wanted to kill you.

You gave a long reason to him about why he can't see her, you don't need to give him a long explanation. The more words you use the more he can push things back at you.

"He kept glaring at me and my brother told him that “MiniLady is watching” and that he’d “Personally take MiniLady outside if he continued to speak rudely to me as it’s not fair for her to hear that”.

The glaring seems to suggest he thinks he can control you still.

"I also have text him about the party in a few weeks that her Nursery friends mum messaged me about." You do not need to tell him about the party. If you tell him he could turn up at the party! Really he should have thought about all this before he attacked you, he can't go back to normal life.

@Motoko has wise words..."Any discussion should be done via email, so you have a paper trail, there's no need to see him.

Be VERY wary."

Has he decided to enroll in any anger management group, or do anything about his behaviour. I am guessing not. In fact the fact he may not do anything about this is further proof he is not safe to be around. If I had every threatened my husband, I would have sought therapy and help to see what was wrong with me. (I have not threatened him.)

" If he can’t even accept this then how the hell do I parent with this man for what could be the next 15 years?" I think you need to just fight for him to have as little contact in her life as possible and be honest with her.

The fact there is no evidence he would hurt her is not very reassuring when there is real evidence he has attacked you. Just keep your nerve and keep fighting.

"Sometimes I wonder if I should lie down and let him have her, see how he likes being the one who gets DD up, fed, dressed, to Nursery on time, to all her appointments etc. But then I couldn’t bear being parted from her..." You won't give up, we know.

"He’s made me paranoid and so over protective that if I could I’d wrap DD in cotton wool I would. Although her accident yesterday hasn’t done my nerves any favours."

Lots of parents feel like this about their children and have not had the terrible experience you had. So please remember your reactions of fear and sadness are normal. His violence and aggression, coercive control attempts etc, are all not normal.

Just had a phonecall from the General Manager at the Nursery to say the Social Worker and her superior are going to the Nursery tomorrow as they want to have a chat with DD.

Why would they do that? Have they got some evidence against me?